-- Funny. Sarcastic. Free! --


NFL DRAFT TIMELINES:

2007: Brady Quinn goes into lockdown.

2006: Reggie becomes New Orleans' favorite Bush.

2005: Funny nicknames and falling QBs.

2004: The Great Manning controversy.

2003: The Bengals remain on the clock.
2002: David Carr's biomechanics are questioned.
2001: Ryan Leaf makes Michael Vick a Falcon.
2000: Janikowski, baby.
1999: The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect, eh?



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Dodgin' The Draft 2010

My annual chock-full-of-sarcasm 2010 NFL Draft timeline is up, with lines like...

6:43pm - The Detroit Lions take Nebraska defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh, and set a new team record by going three consecutive years without drafting a wide receiver in the first round.
7:29pm - Reporters ask Al Davis why he close to go defense with the pick. Davis mutters "I like turtles," and wanders off.

9:00pm - The Dallas Cowboys trade up to draft Dez Bryant. ESPN's Steve Young says (twice) he'll be a great compliment to "Austin Miles." For the record, the Cowboys wide receiver is "Miles Austin." I believe the "Austin Miles" is actually a bike race through the Texas capital.

9:39pm - Vikings coach Brad Childress calls Brett Favre to check on whether or not he's coming back for next season. However, since it's after nine, Favre's already finished watching Matlock, eaten a fresh peach, and gone to bed.

Check out the full column (and every one from the past 12 years, all the way back to the great Ricky Williams swindle of 1999 at My Examiner column.

The Boston Marathon: Running To Stand Still

For some reason, every year we make a big deal out of the Boston Marathon. It's a national story, as if we're suddenly fascinated with the concept of running. A half a million people gather to watch people run for hours. Any other day of the year if you asked a drunken Massachusetts crowd to watch somebody run for four hours, they'd smash a bottle over your head. Marathon day, suddenly it's the talk of the town.

The main problem I have with the Boston Marathon is the same problem French people have with the Tour de France. The home team just isn't very good at the competition. The last time an American won the race was in 1983, which coincidentally was right around the time Jack In The Box started serving the 2000-calorie Bacon Ultimate Cheeseburger. Since then, we're stumbled to the finish like a Will Ferrell character while Kenyans have won seventeen of the last twenty men's races.

I'm completely okay with that, by the way. In Kenya, you run because you have to. You run because it's a part of your culture, your transportation, and your survival. In America, we drive ourselves to the gym so we can get on the treadmill.

I'm not being xenophobic, I'm just saying a runner who looks more like a Belushi brother crossing the finish line is a more interesting story to me than seeing a 78-pound guy with 1% body fat win the race. The only thing that interests me about that scenario is wondering if he's heavy enough to break the tape. I like my athletes to weigh more than their shoes.

I'm completely okay with running, just not as a spectator sport. I have a lot of friends that run, all of a sudden. It seems like we all got near forty, and we all realized we hadn't moved since we were thirty. I salute them. I went out and jogged a mile and a half last weekend, and my knees thought Jack Bauer was trying to get information out of them.

Running for me is just a part of another sport. If they finished the marathon while having to catch football passes every fifty yards, or had to touch bases and turn corners, maybe then I'd be more likely to pay attention.



Reid Kerr ran distance in high school, a fact which gets funnier each and every day.

Santonio Holmes Traded For A Bag Of Dirt

If player worth in the NFL were handled like the stock market, we'd all be living in the Great Depression.

We'd all be sitting around on our front porches, telling our great-grandchildren about how back in the spring of twenty-and-ten, you could have picked up high-quality NFL talent for pennies on the dollar.

"I tell you Billy, back then nobody had two nickel backs to rub together."

A combination of factors has absolutely bottomed out the market, it seems. An unsure labor situation, the possibility of no 2011 season, bad management decisions, and shady off-the-field-conduct have all turned this off-season into a complete buyer's market.

An eight-time Pro Bowl quarterback like Donovan McNabb? If the Eagles wait to trade him until everyone else already has a quarterback, you're treating him like a used car taking up space in your driveway. Even if you're in the same division, you can get McNabb for the 37th pick in the draft and a throw-in pick next season. That's right, Donovan McNabb was worth as much as Alphonso Smith, Curtis Lofton, Eric Weddle, Jimmy Williams, Shaun Cody, or Teddy Lehman.

How about a guy like Brandon Marshall, who caught 21 passes in a single game? Well, the Terrell Owens effect appears to have finally sunk in around the league. Perhaps it took Plaxico Plaxico-ing himself right out of the league and into prison for teams to realize that malcontent wide receivers aren't worth a big investment. The Broncos would like a first round pick in exchange for a guy who's unstoppable when he's motivated. No takers. Now, the Broncos would just like someone to pick up the phone.

Now, a Super Bowl MVP has been traded to a playoff team for...well, almost nothing. The Steelers shipped Santonio Holmes to the Jets for a fifth round pick. Holmes attracts trouble, true, but he's also a Super Bowl MVP from two years ago.

It just doesn't matter now, though, Holmes is gone. He's been traded away to a playoff team, because the Steelers just needed to get rid of him. You can't have a player making embarrasing decisions and getting into trouble in the offseason.

Well, you certainly can't have two of them. Three counting your kicker.

Vancouver Olympics: 100,000 Condoms & 1 Giant Beaver

The Vancouver Olympics have finally ended, bringing us tears, joy, and a giant beaver.

Yeah, there's always that.

Anyway, while we return to our regularly scheduled television viewing, one thing stands out about this year's games. There's one number that shines past Canada's 14 gold medals, or the USA's 37 medals, or even the 190 million viewers NBC pulled in.

Vancouver gave out 100,000 condoms to participants in this year's games.

A hundred thousand. Sex of...well, Olympic proportions.

As the article points out, that averages out to more than 15 condoms for each man and woman at the games.

While on the surface, that seems like an awful lot of doin' the nasty, I think it's about right. The Olympic Village has long been thought of as a place where pretty much anything goes for the athletes.

Face it, there is no other point in the space-time continuum where a guy who does the luge is going to get groupies. A biathlon athlete never pulls in the babes like a rock star, except for that brief moment that only occurs every four years.

Most of the athletes aren't professionals. By that, I'm not saying they're college athletes waiting on their big break to turn pro. I'm saying they train all of their lives to come curling at the Olympics, then they go home. They go for gold, then they go back to picking up the kids from school and putting cover sheets on their TPS reports.

There's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for most of these athletes. They're here to march in the opening ceremonies, perform their sport on MSNBC at two in the afternoon, and take advantage of free condoms for the first time in their lives.

It's really just the natural tradition of the original games being handed down. Remember, the ancient Greeks competed and weren't even wearing pants.

The Super Bowl XLIV Timeline, Now With Even More Sarcasm!

Why is it the Super Bowl is the only event allowed to use Roman numerals?

In any case, my chock-ful-o'-sarcasm Super Bowl XLIV Timeline is now up, with entries like...

5:20pm - Carrie Underwood performs the National Anthem, clad in white stripper heels and an outfit that can only be described as "Naughty Ice Cream Truck Driver."

5:38pm - Peyton Manning throws to Pierre Garcon, which prior to this season, I thought was the guy who seats you at a French restaurant.

5:39pm - Manning throws to Austin Collie, which prior to this season, I thought was a dog breed.

6:21pm - Jay Leno appears in an ad for the Late Show with David Letterman. In other news, the Middle East opens for tourism, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are dating, and Batman and the Joker are recording a new version of "Ebony & Ivory" for charity.

For the whole timeline, check it out over at Examiner.com...

The NFL 2009 Year In Review

The NFL 2009 Year In Review:

February 1, 2009, Super Bowl XLIII: James Harrison makes the slowest TD run in Super Bowl history, and the Steelers beat the Cardinals.

February 11: Brett Favre announces his retirement.

February 27: Albert Haynesworth signs a hundred million dollar contract with the Washington Redskins, thus providing him with enough motivation for the year to do nothing and complain about his coaching staff.

April 25: The NFL Draft is held, with comic relief once again provided by the Oakland Raiders.

July 27: Brett Favre again embraces retirement, choosing to spend the summer month of training camp in the back woods of Mississippi hunting deer, squirrells, and chupacabra.

August 9: The preseason opens with a throwback game between the Tennessee Titans and the Buffalo Bills. To make things interesting, the Titans wear jerseys they've never worn before, and the Bills wear jerseys old enough to be classic, while not invoking memories of OJ.

August 17: Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable is accused of punching an assistant coach in the face. Eventually the Napa district attorney will rule Cable will not face charges, as working for Al Davis is deemed punishment enough.

August 18: Brett Favre comes back yet again, proving himself to be the NFL's Jason Voorhees.

September 10: The season starts with the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers defeating the Titans 13-10. These two teams would both go on to epic mid-season turnarounds.

September 20: The Dallas Cowboys open their new stadium with every possible convenience fans could want, except a win.

October 19: Redskins alleged coach Jim Zorn gets his offensive play calling duties taken away, and given to Sherman Lewis. Lewis has a playbook that includes the plays "run up the middle," "incomplete pass," and "call swinging gate play over and over again."

October 25: New England beats Tampa Bay in London. To further confuse the NFL's expansion efforts, only one of those places is actually a city.

November 8: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers put on a master class in irony, as they wear throwback jerseys from a winless, creme-sicle colored 1976 team to get their first win of the season.

November 11: The St. Louis Rams announce the remainder of their games will be computer simulated for the purpose of fantasy football statistics only.

November 15: Jake Delhomme becomes the first NFL quarterback to throw a million interceptions.

November 17: The Buffalo Bills fire Dick Jauron, and promise to hire a new head coach by the start of next season.

November 22: Houston Texans kicker Chris Brown misses a field goal for a victory, his second straight week to do so. Luckily, this only makes him the second most-hated Chris Brown.

November 23: After the Dallas Cowboys go two straight games with only a fourth-quarter touchdown in each. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones responds by showing 3-D movies on the Cowboys Stadium jumbotron, just to give the stadium the illusion of movement.

November 26: The NFL celebrates Thanksgiving by giving viewers three straight unwatchable games.

November 29: Browns running back Jamal Lewis retires in the middle of a game.

December 9: In a first, Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco Johnson Mellancamp Van Reginald is fined by the NFL for a sombrero-related celebration. Sadly, this is one of few entries I'm not making up.

December 17: The death of Bengals receiver Chris Henry does the unthinkable, it turns Chad Ochocinco into a humble hero.

December 20: With basically every single member of the organization playing for their jobs next season, The Redskins turn in a monumentally lackluster effort in losing to the Giants.

December 20: Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell somehow manages the NFL equivalent of the Philip Michael Thomas EGOT, as he is benched, played in desperation, benched again for a guy signed days before from the UFL, played again to throw a game-winning touchdown, then benched again.

December 24: Michael Vick's Eagles teammates vote him the Ed Block Courage Award, rewarding him for his epic bravery in overcoming his own stupidity.

December 25: Florida head coach Urban Meyer announces he's leaving the university because of health issues after their bowl game, then recants two days later and says he'll return. Brett Favre calls Meyer to congratulate him on "pulling a Favre."

December 27: The Indianapolis Colts sit Peyton Manning, then promptly blow a lead to the jets and lose their perfect season. My 73 year-old mother loses her fantasy football championship game, and swears out an old gypsy curse on Jim Caldwell.

December 27: With a playoff spot on the line, Eli Manning plays like he's got first-of-the-year vacation reservations. Giants lose to Carolina, and are out of the playoff hunt.

January 7, 2010: Tom Brady wins the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year Award, in recognition of him returning from injury to lead the 11-5 Patriots to a 10-6 record in 2009.

January 24: After the Vikings secret plan to butter the ball between plays backfires and leads to five turnovers, Brett Favre tries to make a throw that could have only been made by Brett Favre, circa 1995. The Saints go on to win the NFC, joining the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV.

Alabama: Droll Tide

Alabama is going to be celebrating their National Championship in a new way. Rather than immediately put it on display in a museum, or parade it through town, they're taking it to the people.

They're going to put it up in Walmart.

Yep, just like most Alabama residents, the trophy is going to spend the weekend in Walmart.

It'll be a little bit confusing for Alabama residents, I'm sure. The trophy will be the only thing in Walmart worth more than $9.99, and one of just a few that's actually made in America.

This is another reason I'm against the NHL's expansion into the South, eventually, someone's going to put the Stanley Cup in a Walmart, where it'll be mistaken for a giant Canadian spittoon.

Redskinned

My local TV station gave me bonus coverage of the end of the Washington Redskins/San Diego Chargers game. Thanks to them, I got to see Washington wind up the season on fourth and ten, with quarterback Jason Campbell dropping back to throw the Hail Mary, then delivering the ball fifteen yards out of bounds.

I don't normally like my metaphors that obvious, but I guess we'll have to take what we can get.

Saying I expect Redskins coach Jim Zorn to be fired Monday is somewhat akin to saying I expect the sun to rise, grass to grow, and Jay Leno's early show to continue to flop. Getting fired from Washington now has to be like getting paroled from Hell.

Dunk You Very Little

In women's basketball last night, Baylor won a nail-biter over Texas State.

Final score: Baylor 99, Texas State 18.

Boy, that's eighteen reasons most people don't watch women's basketball, isn't it? The chance to buy a ticket just to watch a team shoot less than 10% from the floor is a promotion most people would put right up there with "Free Spittoon Night," and "Win A Date With Lou Holtz."

Pretty much the only thing noteworthy in the game was Baylor's Brittney Griner becoming the second woman ever to dunk twice in one game.

That's great. Seriously, though, who gives a crap?

Thank God that women's basketball is now celebrating the same exciting level of skill that's caused the NBA to become unwatchable. Now that they can dunk, what's next for the women's game? Forgetting how to play defense? Packing heat in the locker room? Frightening amounts of tattoos, especially on white players? Leaving unclaimed children wherever they go?

Simply being tall enough to casually drop the ball over the rim shouldn't be cause for celebration, especially when you're playing a short, awful team that's not able to score a dozen points a half.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao: Urine Love

Promoter Bob Arum has declared the Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight dead, due to a dispute over drug testing. Apparently, Mayweather wants the testing done Olympics-style, while Pacquiao wants it done Thunderdome-style.

Man, I hate it when my sporting events get cancelled because of urine.

Labels:

Larry Johnson Is Now An Unemployed Jackass

Kansas City has decided they can certainly do no worse without serial shithead Larry Johnson, and cut him from the team just 75 yards short of the Chiefs all-time rushing record.

It wasn't so much Johnson shooting himself in the foot that bothered the Chiefs, it was his insistence on reloading and starting over that got to them.

My full rundown is here at Examiner.com, check it out.

Week 8 NFL Picks:


My week eight picks for the NFL are up here at my Examiner column.

Here's a sample:

Seattle at Dallas

I describe Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams as "gazelle-like," which means that he is very fast, and has little hooves for hands.
Pick: Cowboys

Check it out.

Jeff Fisher now actively trying to commit career suicide

Just less than a week after his Titans took a historic, pathetic, first-day-in-the-prison-showers-treatment from New England, head coach Jeff Fisher went to a charity event in Nashville and wore an Indianapolis Colts jersey.

In terms of pissing off a Nashville crowd, it's not exactly whipping it out to pee on the stage of the Grand Ol' Opry, but it's pretty close.

For my full take on this obvious case of career suicide, check out my column over at Examiner.com.

NFL Preseason Football, the McRib of Pro Sports

New column up on the NFL preseason games, and how they're the McDonalds McRib of pro sports.


Like an oft-concussed wide receiver, every year I forget exactly what's going on. Every summer I can't wait for football season to start, and every year, I eagerly sit down to watch the first preseason games with all the passion of teenage love.


And then I get the McRib moment.


Check out the whole article up at my Examiner.com page.

 

HEADLINES:
Detroit Lions Sue Charles Rogers For Impersonating An NFL Player
Aquaman Indicted For Role In Dogfish-Fighting Ring
Immigration Reform Bill Derails NFL Europe
Alex Rodriguez Plans To Leave New York, Purchase Canada
Daunte Culpepper Drops Daunte Culpepper From His Fantasy Team
NCAA To Investigate Claims Reggie Bush Given House, Car, Ambassadorship

SUPER BOWL
TIMELINES
:
Super Bowl 40
(Steelers vs Seahawks)
Super Bowl 39
(Pats vs Eagles)
Super Bowl 38
(Pats vs Panthers)
Super Bowl 37
(Bucs vs Raiders)
Super Bowl 36
(Pats vs Rams)
Super Bowl 35
(Ravens vs Giants)

Party Bingo! http://www.partybingo.com


The Fistful of Sports Web Site is a forum for open discussion on the world of sports, pop culture, and society in general. The opinions expressed on this web site are those of the authors of the respective pieces. As with all humorous writing, please take this site with a grain of salt, and remember to play nice with others. The Fistful is always looking for contributors. For more information, send an email to Reid Kerr. All rights reserved. The Fistful of Sports web site and column are owned and operated by Reid Kerr.