Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

The Super Bowl XLIV Timeline, Now With Even More Sarcasm!

Why is it the Super Bowl is the only event allowed to use Roman numerals?

In any case, my chock-ful-o'-sarcasm Super Bowl XLIV Timeline is now up, with entries like...

5:20pm - Carrie Underwood performs the National Anthem, clad in white stripper heels and an outfit that can only be described as "Naughty Ice Cream Truck Driver."

5:38pm - Peyton Manning throws to Pierre Garcon, which prior to this season, I thought was the guy who seats you at a French restaurant.

5:39pm - Manning throws to Austin Collie, which prior to this season, I thought was a dog breed.

6:21pm - Jay Leno appears in an ad for the Late Show with David Letterman. In other news, the Middle East opens for tourism, Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston are dating, and Batman and the Joker are recording a new version of "Ebony & Ivory" for charity.

For the whole timeline, check it out over at Examiner.com...

The NFL 2009 Year In Review

The NFL 2009 Year In Review:

February 1, 2009, Super Bowl XLIII: James Harrison makes the slowest TD run in Super Bowl history, and the Steelers beat the Cardinals.

February 11: Brett Favre announces his retirement.

February 27: Albert Haynesworth signs a hundred million dollar contract with the Washington Redskins, thus providing him with enough motivation for the year to do nothing and complain about his coaching staff.

April 25: The NFL Draft is held, with comic relief once again provided by the Oakland Raiders.

July 27: Brett Favre again embraces retirement, choosing to spend the summer month of training camp in the back woods of Mississippi hunting deer, squirrells, and chupacabra.

August 9: The preseason opens with a throwback game between the Tennessee Titans and the Buffalo Bills. To make things interesting, the Titans wear jerseys they've never worn before, and the Bills wear jerseys old enough to be classic, while not invoking memories of OJ.

August 17: Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable is accused of punching an assistant coach in the face. Eventually the Napa district attorney will rule Cable will not face charges, as working for Al Davis is deemed punishment enough.

August 18: Brett Favre comes back yet again, proving himself to be the NFL's Jason Voorhees.

September 10: The season starts with the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers defeating the Titans 13-10. These two teams would both go on to epic mid-season turnarounds.

September 20: The Dallas Cowboys open their new stadium with every possible convenience fans could want, except a win.

October 19: Redskins alleged coach Jim Zorn gets his offensive play calling duties taken away, and given to Sherman Lewis. Lewis has a playbook that includes the plays "run up the middle," "incomplete pass," and "call swinging gate play over and over again."

October 25: New England beats Tampa Bay in London. To further confuse the NFL's expansion efforts, only one of those places is actually a city.

November 8: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers put on a master class in irony, as they wear throwback jerseys from a winless, creme-sicle colored 1976 team to get their first win of the season.

November 11: The St. Louis Rams announce the remainder of their games will be computer simulated for the purpose of fantasy football statistics only.

November 15: Jake Delhomme becomes the first NFL quarterback to throw a million interceptions.

November 17: The Buffalo Bills fire Dick Jauron, and promise to hire a new head coach by the start of next season.

November 22: Houston Texans kicker Chris Brown misses a field goal for a victory, his second straight week to do so. Luckily, this only makes him the second most-hated Chris Brown.

November 23: After the Dallas Cowboys go two straight games with only a fourth-quarter touchdown in each. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones responds by showing 3-D movies on the Cowboys Stadium jumbotron, just to give the stadium the illusion of movement.

November 26: The NFL celebrates Thanksgiving by giving viewers three straight unwatchable games.

November 29: Browns running back Jamal Lewis retires in the middle of a game.

December 9: In a first, Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco Johnson Mellancamp Van Reginald is fined by the NFL for a sombrero-related celebration. Sadly, this is one of few entries I'm not making up.

December 17: The death of Bengals receiver Chris Henry does the unthinkable, it turns Chad Ochocinco into a humble hero.

December 20: With basically every single member of the organization playing for their jobs next season, The Redskins turn in a monumentally lackluster effort in losing to the Giants.

December 20: Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell somehow manages the NFL equivalent of the Philip Michael Thomas EGOT, as he is benched, played in desperation, benched again for a guy signed days before from the UFL, played again to throw a game-winning touchdown, then benched again.

December 24: Michael Vick's Eagles teammates vote him the Ed Block Courage Award, rewarding him for his epic bravery in overcoming his own stupidity.

December 25: Florida head coach Urban Meyer announces he's leaving the university because of health issues after their bowl game, then recants two days later and says he'll return. Brett Favre calls Meyer to congratulate him on "pulling a Favre."

December 27: The Indianapolis Colts sit Peyton Manning, then promptly blow a lead to the jets and lose their perfect season. My 73 year-old mother loses her fantasy football championship game, and swears out an old gypsy curse on Jim Caldwell.

December 27: With a playoff spot on the line, Eli Manning plays like he's got first-of-the-year vacation reservations. Giants lose to Carolina, and are out of the playoff hunt.

January 7, 2010: Tom Brady wins the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year Award, in recognition of him returning from injury to lead the 11-5 Patriots to a 10-6 record in 2009.

January 24: After the Vikings secret plan to butter the ball between plays backfires and leads to five turnovers, Brett Favre tries to make a throw that could have only been made by Brett Favre, circa 1995. The Saints go on to win the NFC, joining the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV.

Alabama: Droll Tide

Alabama is going to be celebrating their National Championship in a new way. Rather than immediately put it on display in a museum, or parade it through town, they're taking it to the people.

They're going to put it up in Walmart.

Yep, just like most Alabama residents, the trophy is going to spend the weekend in Walmart.

It'll be a little bit confusing for Alabama residents, I'm sure. The trophy will be the only thing in Walmart worth more than $9.99, and one of just a few that's actually made in America.

This is another reason I'm against the NHL's expansion into the South, eventually, someone's going to put the Stanley Cup in a Walmart, where it'll be mistaken for a giant Canadian spittoon.

Redskinned

My local TV station gave me bonus coverage of the end of the Washington Redskins/San Diego Chargers game. Thanks to them, I got to see Washington wind up the season on fourth and ten, with quarterback Jason Campbell dropping back to throw the Hail Mary, then delivering the ball fifteen yards out of bounds.

I don't normally like my metaphors that obvious, but I guess we'll have to take what we can get.

Saying I expect Redskins coach Jim Zorn to be fired Monday is somewhat akin to saying I expect the sun to rise, grass to grow, and Jay Leno's early show to continue to flop. Getting fired from Washington now has to be like getting paroled from Hell.

Dunk You Very Little

In women's basketball last night, Baylor won a nail-biter over Texas State.

Final score: Baylor 99, Texas State 18.

Boy, that's eighteen reasons most people don't watch women's basketball, isn't it? The chance to buy a ticket just to watch a team shoot less than 10% from the floor is a promotion most people would put right up there with "Free Spittoon Night," and "Win A Date With Lou Holtz."

Pretty much the only thing noteworthy in the game was Baylor's Brittney Griner becoming the second woman ever to dunk twice in one game.

That's great. Seriously, though, who gives a crap?

Thank God that women's basketball is now celebrating the same exciting level of skill that's caused the NBA to become unwatchable. Now that they can dunk, what's next for the women's game? Forgetting how to play defense? Packing heat in the locker room? Frightening amounts of tattoos, especially on white players? Leaving unclaimed children wherever they go?

Simply being tall enough to casually drop the ball over the rim shouldn't be cause for celebration, especially when you're playing a short, awful team that's not able to score a dozen points a half.

Mayweather vs Pacquiao: Urine Love

Promoter Bob Arum has declared the Manny Pacquiao-Floyd Mayweather Jr. fight dead, due to a dispute over drug testing. Apparently, Mayweather wants the testing done Olympics-style, while Pacquiao wants it done Thunderdome-style.

Man, I hate it when my sporting events get cancelled because of urine.

Labels: Boxing

Larry Johnson Is Now An Unemployed Jackass

Kansas City has decided they can certainly do no worse without serial shithead Larry Johnson, and cut him from the team just 75 yards short of the Chiefs all-time rushing record.

It wasn't so much Johnson shooting himself in the foot that bothered the Chiefs, it was his insistence on reloading and starting over that got to them.

My full rundown is here at Examiner.com, check it out.

Week 8 NFL Picks:

My week eight picks for the NFL are up here at my Examiner column.

Here's a sample:

Seattle at Dallas

I describe Cowboys wide receiver Roy Williams as "gazelle-like," which means that he is very fast, and has little hooves for hands.
Pick: Cowboys

Check it out.

Jeff Fisher now actively trying to commit career suicide

Just less than a week after his Titans took a historic, pathetic, first-day-in-the-prison-showers-treatment from New England, head coach Jeff Fisher went to a charity event in Nashville and wore an Indianapolis Colts jersey.

In terms of pissing off a Nashville crowd, it's not exactly whipping it out to pee on the stage of the Grand Ol' Opry, but it's pretty close.

For my full take on this obvious case of career suicide, check out my column over at Examiner.com.

NFL Preseason Football, the McRib of Pro Sports

New column up on the NFL preseason games, and how they're the McDonalds McRib of pro sports.

Like an oft-concussed wide receiver, every year I forget exactly what's going on. Every summer I can't wait for football season to start, and every year, I eagerly sit down to watch the first preseason games with all the passion of teenage love.

And then I get the McRib moment.

Check out the whole article up at my Examiner.com page.

ESPN Hires Matt Millen

ESPN has now officially hired Matt Millen as an NFL and college football analyst for next season.

In his defense, Matt Millen has been a part of history. As a player, he played on four Super Bowl teams. As a general manager, he presided over the NFL's first 0-16 team. He's been on both sides of the record books.

And besides, is there anyone in recent history who's been more consistent on the NFL draft? He's been overwhelmingly awful, so whatever Millen says, you just do the opposite and you're golden.

There's no one with more in-depth knowledge of first-round wide receiver busts than Millen. He could write a book. I'd buy it. I'd put it right on the shelf right between to my copies of "The Boz" and "The 1$ League: the Rise And Fall Of The USFL."

Dodgin' The Draft 2009: Live Blogging!

I'll be blogging the 2009 NFL Draft live at my column over at Examiner.com. It's a Mystery Science Theatre 3000 approach to the draft, I promise you plenty of laughs as the picks start to pile up.

Check it out here, updated live during the first round of the draft all day long today.

Looking Back With Sarcasm: Previous Draft Day Timelines:

2008 NFL Draft (Matt Ryan, Joe Flacco) timeline, click here.

2007 NFL Draft (Adrian Peterson, Calvin Johnson) timeline, click here.

2006 NFL Draft (Vince Young, Reggie Bush) timeline, click here.

2005 NFL Draft (Alex Smith, Pacman Jones) timeline, click here.

2004 NFL Draft (Eli Manning, Larry Fitzgerald) timeline, click here.

2003 NFL Draft (Carson Palmer, Charles Rogers) timeline, click here.

2002 NFL Draft (David Carr, Joey Harrington) timeline, click here.

2001 NFL Draft (Michael Vick, LT, Philip Rivers) timeline, click here.

2000 NFL Draft (Courtney Brown, Sebastian Janikowski) timeline, click here.

1999 NFL Draft (Ricky Williams, Donovan McNabb) timeline, click here.

Denver Broncos Trade Jay Cutler To Chicago Bears

On the same day Jay Cutler announces he didn't actually want to be traded from the Broncos, Denver did it anyway. Denver shipped Cutler to the Chicago Bears for quarterback Kyle Orton, two years worth of first-round picks and a third-round pick.

The Bears edged out teams like the Redskins, Buccaneers, and Lions in their deal for Cutler. Chicago finally gets their franchise quarterback, a young Pro Bowl player who could easily be the best quarterback the Bears have had since a briefly-healthy Jim McMahon.

For the Broncos, this one's a leap of faith. While they were almost a playoff team with Cutler, now they have to hope Orton matures into a good enough quarterback to keep them competitive. In the long term though, Denver's prospects for the next 6-8 years just brightened up considerably. With four first round picks in the next two years, a pair of good drafts could set them up for the long run. It's the kind of setup that Mike Shanahan would have killed to be in.

However, the future is only bright if you survive long enough to enjoy it. New coach Josh McDaniels and general manager Brian Xanders have to survive a deal that cost them a quarterback in the short term and could blow up in their faces.

Denver Broncos Put Jay Cutler Up For Trade

The Denver Broncos have now decided to trade quarterback Jay Cutler. After a failed attempt to send Cutler away in a deal that would have brought them Matt Cassel, Cutler completely lost trust in the Broncos.

With ESPN's report today that Denver has resigned itself to losing Cutler, let the speculation begin where he'll wind up. The problem with trading Cutler is Denver's quarterback situation without him. Detroit is already jumping at the chance to get him, but what good is the number one pick in the draft to Denver if they don't have a quarterback? Matthew Stafford would be a great fit for the Broncos, but he won't be ready to start for years.

San Francisco should have interest. Minnesota's still not set at quarterback, and needs a quality starter right now to take advantage of Adrian Peterson. USA Today ranked the contenders, also mentioning the Jets, Bucs, and Redskins as most likely to be able to offer what the Broncos need.

It'll be an interesting few weeks leading up to the draft, that's for certain.

Previous Posts

Archives