Welcome to the NFL of the nineties, as it looks like all six divisions will be won this year by different teams than last year's champions. Some people would look at that, and say the NFL's desire to level the playing field is working. Let's face it, anyone who's a fan of this system is a fan of a bad football team. Take the guy at work who's shown a renewed interest in the NFL, check his closet and you'll probably find a Cardinals or Rams jersey in there somewhere.

Will somebody make the quarterback go-round stop? Over half the teams in the league are experiencing technical difficulties with their signal-callers, and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon. With two more expansion teams soon to enter the fray and further drain the talent pool, is there anything the NFL can do? If it gets any worse, they'll have to start playing rookie quarterbacks and signing guys in their forties who've been retired for years.

Apparently, it took about ten games for the Cincinnati Bengals to learn about quarterback Neil O'Donnell what they could have learned from any scouting report on Pittsburgh or the New York Jets, so they sent him to the bench. Alternately, they could have learned this information by simply asking any Pittsburgh football fan, any New York sports writer, or Larry Brown.

Another week, another free agent signing. Another team forks over a million dollars to buy a player out of his contract, gives him a raise and pins all of their hopes of the future on him. In the hot stove league that includes Bernie Williams, Randy Johnson, and Mo Vaughn, who'd have thought the first big signing would be former ESPN sports anchor Keith Olbermann? Fox Sports shelled out the big dough for their quick-fix free agent, time remains to tell whether he'll be the Mark McGwire that brings everyone to the ballpark, or the Albert Belle that you immediately regret the morning after.

Speaking of the morning after, Dennis Rodman got married to model/singer/actress/Baywatch Babe/Mensa chairperson (just checking to see if you're still with me) Carmen Electra. The happy couple was excited to learn of their nuptials the next day upon awakening and sobering up. Rodman's inebriated marriage to Electra has caused alcohol consumption nationwide to go up, as guys everywhere attempt to buy into a piece of that luck. Remember fellas, not everyone gets to marry a Baywatch babe. You could wind up married to Tommy Lee. Save the receipts on those gifts, everybody. This one'll turn over like fast food counter help.

In spite of the league's best efforts, the NHL still has less scoring than a first date with Kathie Lee Gifford. After a month, the "fastest game in the world" is pulling in viewers like a Mickey Rourke movie, and that's without the distraction of the NBA. Every time a guy goes on a breakaway and picks up a skier, that's another missed chance for the NHL. Luckily, the NHL continues to do one thing well, and that's give itself a black eye. Last week's Bruins-Capitals game had two hundred and seventy penalty minutes, six fights, and twelve ejections. I watched the highlights of the fights the next day on television, which should show you one of the problems the league is having right there.

Meanwhile in the cold stove league of the NBA, the older players are bunkering down for a long fight with the owners, while the younger players are getting ready to regret not staying in college. Several players are contemplating playing overseas, which should thrill the dozen or so people who have already had the foresight to start a Greek Fantasy Basketball League for next year. The rest of us, we're left to sit and wait, and worse still, listen to Karl Malone.

Labels: Bengals, MFL, NBA, NHL