The Toronto Raptors turned NBA heads this week by signing Vince Carter to a contract extension and luring Hakeem Olajuwon across the border from Houston. Well, actually across several borders, but you know what I mean. Olajuwon goes from South Texas to Canada? And they said NAFTA would never work.

In other NBA news, Philadelphia has decided not to match a New Jersey offer sheet to Todd MacCulloch. The offer sheet was for a six-year, thirty million dollar contract. The Sixers have declined to match because MacCulloch is, in the words of several analysts, "just a big ol' white guy." Philly plans to make up MacCulloch's 4 points per game by letting Allen Iverson take three more shots.

Ruben Patterson, who entered a modified guilty plea to attempted rape last May, has signed with the Portland Trail Blazers in hopes of cleaning up his image. With the Trail Blazers? The Trail Blazers have a recent history of mental stability like Mariah Carey. What is Patterson going to do, stand next to Rasheed Wallace and look sane in comparison?

An Orioles game at Camden Yard was delayed this week when a streaker came out of the crowd wearing nothing but sneakers and a floppy orange giveaway hat. Sadly, that's the second half season highlight so far for the Orioles. Seriously though, why is it that the people you get to see naked are never the people you want to see naked? You know, Angelina Jolie never drops trou at a Braves game and runs the bases. It's always some naked fat guy with an orange hat and a blood alcohol content above the Mendoza line doing donuts in the outfield. And enough delay of the game. I think law enforcement officials will agree this is what tasers were created for. Tag him, bag him, and put his naked carcass on display in the outfield, where we can laugh and throw peanuts at him during the seventh-inning stretch. It's the American way.

Maybe that's just me, but I am very much against nudity, or at least the nudity of fat guys. On a similar note, I also feel they shouldn't be allowed to make leather pants above a certain size, either. At some point, it's less a fashion statement and more just a wholesale slaughter of cows.

The satellite TV folks have trotted out this year's commercial package, showing guys like Peyton Manning and Javon Kearse signing up for the Sunday Ticket to see all of the NFL games. Sorry to ask the obvious question here, but won't both those guys be a little too busy during the NFL games to be watching TV? Wouldn't Mark Chmura make a better endorser?

This week, former NFL wide receiver Mark Ingram, arrested for carrying $3290 in counterfeit cash, received six months in jail and a quizzical look from the judge for bothering to counterfeit ten dollar bills. Sometimes, you've got to think big, Mark.

And finally, a question to ponder. Which is more proof of sexual bias, the sports media not covering things like the WNBA or WUSA, or the sports media's fanatical fascination with Anna Kournikova's ring finger? I hate to burst everyone's bubble here, fellas, but whether she's spoken for or not, she's got a thing for Russian hockey players. Unless you own a fur-lined trench coat and a last name that ends in "-ov", you're not even in the running.

Labels: MLB, NBA, NFL