Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Dodgin' The Draft '01

Our own 2001 NFL Draft Day timeline:

Friday night, 9:00pm: The San Diego Chargers decide they cannot risk another quarterback problem like they went through with Ryan Leaf, so they trade their number one pick to Atlanta.

9:01pm: Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, stops writing his "NFL Draft 2009: The Nation's Top Eighth Grade Prospects" newsletter to rearrange his draft charts to reflect the trade.

9:05pm: Former Charger quarterback Ryan Leaf receives a bottle of champagne with a card that says "Thanks for the memories. We appreciate everything you've done." The gift is from the Falcons.

10:02pm: Falcons quarterback Chris Chandler sees the report on ESPN, gets angry and throws his remote control at the screen. Panthers DB Eric Davis then intercepts the remote and sprints into Chandler's kitchen for a touchdown.

Saturday, 5:30am Central Standard Time: A skilled team of craftsmen begin applying the lacquer to Mel Kiper, Draft Expert's hair.

11:00am: The NFL Draft begins. ESPN's broadcast team is roughly the size of Allen Iverson's posse, except better dressed. ESPN has seven people at the draft, nine people in their studio, two people in their college football studio, sixteen people spread out at various franchise draft rooms across the country, and a three-man crew set up just outside Bill Walsh's bathroom.

11:13am: As NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue welcomes everyone to the 2001 draft, the Atlanta Falcons sprint up to the podium to choose Michael Vick with their first selection. Watching on television, Chris Chandler gets up to go to the bathroom and tears his hamstring.

11:24am: The Arizona Cardinals draft Texas offensive tackle Leonard Davis with the second pick, giving Cardinals fans a reason to think their team will be greatly improved next year. Just like last year's top ten pick, and the one before that, and every top ten pick the Cardinals have made for the last six years.

11:35am: The Cleveland Browns select defensive lineman Gerard Warren, choosing to improve their defense. Browns quarterback Tim Couch weeps openly.

11:44pm: Cincinnati Bengals coach Dick LeBeau gives his draft selection to Paul Tagliabue, who acknowledges him by saying "You are the weakest link. Good-bye."

12:07pm: At New England's selection of defensive lineman Richard Seymour, ESPN adds Seymour's statistics to the on-screen graphics, which already include current draft selections, ongoing game scores, team profiles, previous selections, and Mel Kiper, Draft Expert's top projections. The television screen now includes more information than "Today's Special Value" on QVC. Seymour's family cheers as they squint at the passport-sized picture of their son in the upper left corner of the television.

12:09pm: In his last draft for the San Francisco 49ers, general manager Bill Walsh decides to make an impact by engineering a trade. The Niners will eventually acquire the rights to the Seahawks' first pick, a sixth round pick from Oakland, four picks from Green Bay, a third round pick from New Orleans, David Wells (pending a physical), two future draft picks of the WNBA's Seattle Storm, the rights to the CBA, Goldberg, and the Beatles music catalog. ESPN's Chris Berman offers to marry Walsh.

12:46pm: As the Carolina Panthers prepare to make their selection, a graphic comes up on the screen indicating the Panthers haven't taken an offensive player in the first round since 1997, when they drafted future felon Rae Carruth. All fifty of ESPN's analysts momentarily freeze like frightened deer for fear of mentioning Carruth's name. After a few seconds of silence, an ESPN on-screen graphic indicates this is the first time since 1972 that neither Joe Theismann nor Mel Kiper, Draft Expert have been speaking at any given point in time.

12:53pm: The St. Louis Rams draft, using the pick they obtained from the Kansas City Chiefs for quarterback Trent Green. The Rams also own the Chiefs' second-round pick, which they obtained in exchange for coach Dick Vermeil. On a roll, St. Louis calls to offer Vermeil a 1987 Dodge Van for his third-round pick.

2:45pm: The Philadelphia Eagles receive a trade offer for the 25th pick. Eagles coach Andy Reid informs Flyers GM Bobby Clark that the Eagles have no interest in Eric Lindros.

2:55pm: Miami, who hasn't drafted an offensive player in the first round since 1998, continues the tradition by selecting cornerback Jamar Fletcher. Meanwhile, XFL running back John Avery continues washing his 1999 Ford Bronco, drying it with a Dolphins t-shirt.

3:32pm: The first round ends, as it takes the NFL over four hours to make one round's worth of decisions for which they have had three months to prepare. This explains why the NFL hasn't been able to decide on a realignment plan since 1970.

4:35pm: In their War Room, the Dallas Cowboys decide to trade down in the second round. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones then approves a deal to move down again. However, he vetoes a move to trade out of the draft completely and go home to watch game six between the Stars and Oilers.

5:15pm: Six hours into the draft, Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil shows up for work.

5:19pm: After giving up a league-worst 29.4 points per game last year, St. Louis uses its first five picks, including three first rounders, to rebuild. The Rams are now more defensive than Vince McMahon talking to Bob Costas on stage at a PTA meeting.

7:00pm: The "Million-Dollar Game" begins, as the XFL's first season draws to a close. Thirty-one general managers hope the players they drafted over the past eight hours don't show up in next year's game.

Labels: NFL, NFL Draft

Grizzled

It's the best time of the year for hockey fans, as the NHL Playoffs have begun. I don't get excited about the NHL Playoffs until Scott Stevens throws out the first body. Keep your head up in the neutral zone, sports fans, here we go.

Familiarity breeds boredom in the first round for Dallas and Edmonton, who have had a standing appointment for the last four years now. The Stars hold the advantage here, but the games are always close. These two teams have played more one-point games than Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee on Scrabble Night.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, the Kings are in the midst of a losing streak so severe, it makes France look like the 1960's Boston Celtics. The Kings haven't won a playoff game since Wayne Gretzky was with LA, Patrick Roy was with Montreal, and Hootie was with the Blowfish.

This week in Philadelphia, Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke accused Eric Lindros of "quitting" on his team. That's nice, Bob. It's good to see Flyers management still has enough focus to ignore a 2-0 playoff deficit and complain about the real issue, a player who hasn't touched NHL ice in a year who you refused to trade. Hey Bobby, while you're moving the lounge chair over by the rail, you might want to check out that big iceberg you just ran into.

Troy Aikman retired from football a week ago when no team showed interest in him. Since that time he's been courted by the major networks, offered a job in the XFL and approached about running for public office in Oklahoma. Well, Troy wanted interest. It just goes to show you have to be careful what you wish for.

The NBA's Vancouver Grizzlies finished what will probably be their last game north of the border by blowing a nineteen-point second half lead to Houston. Say what you will about the franchise, they certainly tried to make leaving easy on their fans.

Dave Winfield will go into the Hall of Fame as a San Diego Padre, thus proving what I've always said. Real men wear brown and yellow. Take that however you'd like.

The Texas Rangers, with new shortstop and former Mariner Alex Rodriguez, will play their first game in Seattle this week. Just to make sure the crowd is good and angry, a letter has been made public from A-Rod to the Boeing Company, which he invited to move their operations out of Seattle and to Texas. In a delightful bit of celestial irony, it's also "Boeing Employees Credit Union Night" at Safeco Field. Expect A-Rod to get a reception in Seattle much like the one they gave the World Trade Organization a while back.

Labels: NHL, Rangers

Grand Slam Dancing

Tiger Woods won the Masters this past Sunday, becoming the first golfer of the modern era to win the Grand Slam. This also officially begins the new era of "Tiger Being Expected to Win Everything." Purists will argue that Tiger's Grand Slam is not a true one, since it didn't occur in a single calendar year. This is like complaining the numbers on your winning lottery ticket are out of order.

The NBA made news last week, with the Dallas Mavericks signing the first-ever Chinese player in the NBA. Fans witnessed history in the making when Wang Zhizhi came in for Dirk Nowitzki, guarded Hanno Mottola, and made the basket that put the Mavs over 100 and gave every fan in attendance a free chalupa. In other words, the Chinese guy subbed for the German, D'ed up the guy from Finland, and won a bunch of Texans some Mexican food. What is this, basketball or "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"

In the NFL, the San Diego Chargers have been on the clock for the first draft pick since last November, and they're now admitting that Virginia Tech quarterback Michael Vick is their man. Vick worked out for San Diego and everyone was thrilled with him. Bear in mind, of course, that San Diego has no basis of comparison when it comes to quarterback talent, since they haven't had a regular signal-caller since they dragged Stan Humphries off the field for the last time.

Carl Pickens signed with Dallas this week after rejecting their first offer and saying he wanted to hear from some other teams ("You have...zero...messages"). This gives Dallas a good three-receiver tandem for next year. In a related story, Troy Aikman has finally realized the ringing in his ears is from the broadcast networks, and not just in his head for a change.

At a ceremony at the New England Patriots new stadium, a reporter was injured by falling construction equipment. The Patriots seem to be snakebitten, don't they? Forget protecting their players on the field, now the curse is beginning to strike at the support staff. Remember, this is a team who lost a starting running back to a career-ending beach volleyball injury. Working for the Patriots is beginning to be like playing drums for Spinal Tap.

No matter how you look at it, it seems like the Rangers overspent and haven't gotten their money's worth so far this season. Sports fans may wonder here if I'm talking hockey or baseball. Yes.

Labels: Chargers, Cowboys, Mavericks, Patriots, Rangers, Tiger Woods

Special K

Congratulations to Duke on their first national championship in almost ten years, which for Duke must seem like a Demi Moore-esque drought. Thanks for dancing, kids. Last one out of the gym put Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps back in the cage.

Major League Baseball is back, as this past Sunday the Toronto Blue Jays beat Texas 8-1 in the season-opener in Puerto Rico. You know, it's really not a good sign for the Rangers that by the time they get to the continental United States, they're already half a game out of first. Between the Rangers dropping the Intercontinental Title and the Astros struggling to beat their own AA team, it looks like another long season in the Lone Star State.

FBI agents finally closed a case this week involving over a million dollars in autographed baseballs missing from the Hall of Fame. The balls were finally found after it was revealed Rick Ankiel delivered them, so the FBI just looked behind the back wall of the display case.

Darryl Strawberry disappeared after a drug counseling session in Florida and was wanted by the police, which makes exactly one organization still expressing interest in Strawberry. He eventually showed up after rumors came out he was kidnapped. Police are looking for a crime ring specializing in the abduction of athletes who have squandered their careers in off-field incidents. They've also doubled security at the homes of Lawrence Phillips, Steve Howe, and Tony Mandarich.

After an off-season that saw two of their players accused of murder, the National Football League responded decisively by banning bandanas worn around the players' heads. I very rarely get to write about an organization this far out of touch with reality that's not involved with the federal government. A player could take a bus full of hostages this summer and the league would ban earrings.

My vote for the most consistent player in the NBA would have to be Rasheed Wallace. Wallace has smashed his old record for technical fouls in a season with forty, and seven ejections just for giggles. Wallace is living proof of the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, it's the #%$@^& refs fault, you piece of #%$@."

Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi was fined this week for squirting water onto Philadelphia fans, including a friendly fellow who fell through the back wall of the penalty box trying to get to him. Domi was fined a thousand dollars, which appeared to be about two dollars a pound for his admirer. Say what you will about professional athletes but hockey players remain grounded in the way they treat their fans, always there to give them an autograph or impromptu rinse.

Labels: MLB, NBA, NFL, NHL

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Dodgin' The Draft '01

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