Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Yellow Jersey, Gold Club

Congratulations to Lance Armstrong on his Tour de France victory. This marks his third consecutive victory, and also marks the last time we'll see a bicycle used correctly on ESPN until next year's race. Which is more "extreme", flipping a bike upside down off a ramp while wearing enough piercings to work part-time as a jewelry rack at Gadzooks, or winning three straight 2100-mile races after cancer treatments? You make the call.

Deion Sanders announced his retirement this week, from whichever sports he happens to currently be playing. Sanders retired from the NFL and was then cut by his triple-A baseball club. It is a sad day for sports, unlike when he retired from his music career.

The "Ripken Farewell Tour" continued this week, as Cal Ripken played his last game at the Ballpark in Arlington against the Texas Rangers. The Rangers then enclosed the locker Ripken used in glass, building a shrine to him with his uniform and other equipment. Is this not a little bit ridiculous? Will teams cordon off urinals and showers, and auction off his used ankle-wrap on eBay? Meanwhile, one of the greatest hitters of all time is retiring, and nobody seems to make a big deal out of Tony Gwynn's last year. At least have the candy machine outside the locker room bronzed or something, guys. There's two Hall of Famers riding off into the sunset. Don't make Gwynn into a historical footnote like he's a vice president or something.

And speaking of future Hall of Famers, Ricky Henderson continues to make friends on the way to Cooperstown, with Milwaukee Brewers manager Davey Lopes openly threatening to bean Henderson if he tried to steal again after taking second with a seven run lead. Expect the commissioner's office to step in and fine Lopes for his actions. League rules clearly state you can't instruct a pitcher to hit Henderson unless he mentions Lou Brock again.

Three questions that strike fear into the heart of an athlete: 1) "So, you ever been to the Gold Club?" 2) "Do you think Tony Banks can get this team into the playoffs?" 3) "Hey, can you give Mr. Tyson a ride home from the party?" Hey, whatever I was saying about Fred McGriff, never mind. McGriff finally decided this week to accept the trade to Chicago that was made almost three weeks ago. McGriff took longer to make his travel plans than Derek Jeter takes to pick out a suit.

The American Olympic hockey team was named this past week. For the 2002 games, Team USA is looking for players with different qualifications to avoid another embarrassing showing like the team from Nagano in 1998. They're looking for players who can play both ends of the ice, who are strong leaders, and who can pass a credit check and put up a hotel room security deposit.

Labels: MLB, Tour De France

Driver 2

Congratulations to David Duval for winning his first Major at this year's British Open. And condolences go out to Ian Woosnam, whose great round as well as his confidence were undone by a two-stroke penalty for having an extra driver in his bag. Apparently, his caddie keeps track of clubs like a drunken Charlie Sheen.

The PGA Tour also negotiated a great deal this week, selling their broadcast rights for 850 million dollars. That's an increase of almost 45% over their current deal. And not only is the money better, under the new deal Tiger Woods only has to work on Sundays.

Even as NFL training camps begin to open, the saga of Ray Lewis continues. Lewis appealed his $250,000 fine from the Commissioner's Office for his involvement in a double-murder two Super Bowls ago. The Commissioner's Office refused to lower the fine, correctly pointing out that only comes to 125K for each dead body.

Fred McGriff turned down a trade this week that would have sent him from league-worst Tampa Bay to the NL Central-leading Chicago Cubs. In fact, on the Devil Rays last road trip, McGriff also elected not to receive a complimentary cup of coffee, spurned an offer for a flight upgrade, and became abusive when asked if he would like to "Supersize" his Big Mac combo. The guy just doesn't like change, I guess.

It was announced this week that the RJR Tobacco Company would drop its sponsorship of the National Hot Rod Association. Under the terms of the Master Settlement Agreement, RJR had to choose only one venue of advertising, and chose to go with NASCAR over the NHRA. This is something for NASCAR to be proud of, I suppose, although it seems a bit like being thankful for all the jobs provided by that nuclear reactor next door. Meanwhile, in a bid to replace tobacco as a sponsor, NHRA is looking at the manufacturers of alcohol, raw bacon, and radiation.

In hockey news, Eric Lindros said Monday he was invited to Canada's pre-Olympic camp. Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke immediately demanded compensation from the Canadian Olympic team, seeking the rights to two downhill skiers, Celine Dion, and Michael J. Fox. Team Canada executive director Wayne Gretzky then made a counter offer for a curler to be named later, Chilliwack, and Tom Green. Don't keep your hopes up, hockey fans.

Labels: Golf, MLB, NASCAR, NHL, Ravens

Retooled

The NBA pre-free agent market continues to move right along, as Patrick Ewing has made his decision about where to play next season. His final two choices were Orlando and Miami. I'm just assuming here, but I think that officially makes Florida the "Strip Club Capitol of the World." Ewing eventually chose Orlando. He'll offer Alonzo Mourning his kidney, but he won't play ball with him? Must be some kind of Georgetown thing.

In Toronto, the Raptors have agreed to terms with Jerome Williams and Antonio Davis. The Raptors signings were the second-best received sports news in Toronto this week, right behind David Wells having year-ending surgery.

In other NBA news, David Robinson will stay with San Antonio, Eddie Robinson will go to the Bulls, and Clarence Weatherspoon will become a Knick. Of course, even though these deals are announced, none of them will become official until Wednesday. Which is more ridiculous, that the NBA won't admit until Wednesday any of the dozen deals that have already gone down, or that the daily top story from the NBA still involves Wizards practice sessions?

New Detroit Red Wing Dominik Hasek has been hospitalized in the Czech Republic with a mysterious illness. Red Wings owner Mike Ilitch has sent his own personal physician overseas to help with the diagnosis. Boy, nothing says "I certainly do respect your culture, Dom, but I think your physicians are still using leeches" like sending your own family's Trapper John M.D. on a jet plane, does it?

According to her father, two-time Wimbledon champion Venus Williams may quit tennis soon to concentrate on her many endorsement deals. Historically speaking, that's like David Caruso quitting "NYPD Blue" to concentrate on all the movie offers he was getting at the time. Sometimes, it's better to stay busy, kids.

Although NFL training camps won't open for a few weeks, it seems as if the rookies are already starting to learn their lessons. Giants rookie Will Allen was sprayed with gasoline and robbed this past week. Allen was coming home from partying at 4:40 a.m. Sunday when three armed robbers made off with $150,000 of his jewelry. I don't want to shift blame here, but isn't walking around drunk in the middle of the morning with 150 grand of easily pocketed items on your person something the players union should be teaching them not to do? Shouldn't they have a speaker on "Security and Your Bling-Bling: How Not To Get Set On Fire"?

And finally, ignoring China's appalling human rights record, the IOC awarded the 2008 Summer Olympics to Beijing. The announcement was greeted with fireworks, songs, and a celebration capped off by a rousing 21-gun salute into the crowd. No word on whether or not the Summer Games will coincide with the annual "Running of the Tanks." That's covered by ESPN2, I believe.

Labels: NBA, NFL, NHL, Olympics

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