Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

In baseball news this week, the Seattle Mariners, who are more than fifty games over .500, received official permission from Major League Baseball to start selling postseason tickets. In other news, the New York Yankees have received permission from Major League Baseball to start planning their victory parade.

Former L.A. Xtreme and current Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Damon Gibson was quoted this week as saying XFL officials have told their players they'll have to buy their own championship rings. I guess that makes it official, everyone wants to forget the XFL. League management had the same long-term commitment to quality that you normally see from sweatshop owners.

Cleveland Browns defensive back Corey Fuller allegedly tried to bribe a police officer this past week after Fuller pulled into a Cleveland intersection and refused to move until the officers let him turn the way he wanted. Reports claim Fuller blocked traffic for about eight minutes, and refused several requests to move. Because of the bribery charge, this case has been turned over to the police department's intelligence unit, where they will certainly return a finding of "none here whatsoever."

The Tony Banks era in Dallas lasted exactly two preseason games, as the Cowboys cut him last week. Cowboys fans may astutely point out it only took the Cowboys a few weeks to determine what it took Baltimore half a season to learn. Of course, the Redskins haven't learned the lesson yet. How does the old parable go? "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who signed Tony Banks."

True story from this week. Vanity Fair magazine has a scathing tell-all story on baseball's hit king Pete Rose, while ESPN Sports Center interviewed "Hollywood heart throb" Freddie Prinze Jr. The lines of power have shifted, folks. Next week, expect to see Julia Roberts profiled in Sports Illustrated and Don Zimmer on the cover of Cosmo.

And finally, a sad note from the Fistful this week. It seems as if Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Bobby Clarke and Eric Lindros will finally part ways, thus returning Lindros to the NHL and robbing the Fistful of a reliable punch-line. You know, if Darryl Strawberry ever cleans up and Scott Mitchell loses weight, I'll have nothing left for the column.

Labels: Browns, Cowboys, MLB, NFL, NHL, XFL

The Toronto Raptors turned NBA heads this week by signing Vince Carter to a contract extension and luring Hakeem Olajuwon across the border from Houston. Well, actually across several borders, but you know what I mean. Olajuwon goes from South Texas to Canada? And they said NAFTA would never work.

In other NBA news, Philadelphia has decided not to match a New Jersey offer sheet to Todd MacCulloch. The offer sheet was for a six-year, thirty million dollar contract. The Sixers have declined to match because MacCulloch is, in the words of several analysts, "just a big ol' white guy." Philly plans to make up MacCulloch's 4 points per game by letting Allen Iverson take three more shots.

Ruben Patterson, who entered a modified guilty plea to attempted rape last May, has signed with the Portland Trail Blazers in hopes of cleaning up his image. With the Trail Blazers? The Trail Blazers have a recent history of mental stability like Mariah Carey. What is Patterson going to do, stand next to Rasheed Wallace and look sane in comparison?

An Orioles game at Camden Yard was delayed this week when a streaker came out of the crowd wearing nothing but sneakers and a floppy orange giveaway hat. Sadly, that's the second half season highlight so far for the Orioles. Seriously though, why is it that the people you get to see naked are never the people you want to see naked? You know, Angelina Jolie never drops trou at a Braves game and runs the bases. It's always some naked fat guy with an orange hat and a blood alcohol content above the Mendoza line doing donuts in the outfield. And enough delay of the game. I think law enforcement officials will agree this is what tasers were created for. Tag him, bag him, and put his naked carcass on display in the outfield, where we can laugh and throw peanuts at him during the seventh-inning stretch. It's the American way.

Maybe that's just me, but I am very much against nudity, or at least the nudity of fat guys. On a similar note, I also feel they shouldn't be allowed to make leather pants above a certain size, either. At some point, it's less a fashion statement and more just a wholesale slaughter of cows.

The satellite TV folks have trotted out this year's commercial package, showing guys like Peyton Manning and Javon Kearse signing up for the Sunday Ticket to see all of the NFL games. Sorry to ask the obvious question here, but won't both those guys be a little too busy during the NFL games to be watching TV? Wouldn't Mark Chmura make a better endorser?

This week, former NFL wide receiver Mark Ingram, arrested for carrying $3290 in counterfeit cash, received six months in jail and a quizzical look from the judge for bothering to counterfeit ten dollar bills. Sometimes, you've got to think big, Mark.

And finally, a question to ponder. Which is more proof of sexual bias, the sports media not covering things like the WNBA or WUSA, or the sports media's fanatical fascination with Anna Kournikova's ring finger? I hate to burst everyone's bubble here, fellas, but whether she's spoken for or not, she's got a thing for Russian hockey players. Unless you own a fur-lined trench coat and a last name that ends in "-ov", you're not even in the running.

Labels: MLB, NBA, NFL

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