Well, the NBA has certainly showed Mark Cuban, eh? For his comments about officiating, the Mavericks owner received a fine, a reprimand, and free television time on every news and sports show from "SportsCenter" to "Wake Up Waukegan". Cuban's smiling face serving up soft-serve ice cream to fans was on every major and minor media outlet across the country. That'll show Cuban the NBA means business. With his next infraction, they should tattoo his face just below Britney Spears' navel.

The playoffs are over in Chicago. The Bears lost to Philadelphia, and the closest the Bulls will get to the playoffs was playing on the same day as the Bears. During the season, a lot of people wondered why playoff-bound Chicago would be mentioned as a possible destination for quarterback Drew Bledsoe. The names "Miller and Matthews" would be the answer to their unasked questions. It doesn't matter if your quarterbacks are Jim and Shane or Steve and Dave, when you're down by nine late in the fourth quarter and still running on first down, you need to keep looking.

Meanwhile across town, the Bulls put on a shooting display so awful, they were very nearly outscored by Michael Jordan's statue. With Jordan playing in his first game back, the Bulls welcomed him by missing their first thirteen shots and shooting worse than any NBA team in almost fifty years. The Bulls did put a lot of pressure on Jordan, however, especially in the postgame press conference where he had to be polite in his remarks about them.

So here are the final point spreads for this weekend's games: Brett Favre's interceptions by three over Elvis Grbac. Michael Jordan over the Baltimore Ravens by six. Bears over Michael Jordan by three. Rams defense over Green Bay by four. Rams over the Bulls (through three) by eight. Allen Iverson over the Rams by thirteen.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers received a helping of Tuna Surprise this week, as Bill Parcells announced he would not be coming out of retirement to coach the Bucs. This leaves the Bucs with no leadership and no game plan for next season. In the NFL, this situation normally calls for George Seifert to be fired.

In other news from the NBA, the Hornets are expected to bolt from Charlotte in the offseason, becoming the New Orleans Hornets. Sounds like some kind of venereal disease you bring back from Mardi Gras, doesn't it?

Major League Baseball has been quiet lately, as plans for contraction are on hold. In the one move this past week of note, Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the next franchise move should go to Washington, thus causing Orioles owner Peter Angelos convulsions similar to the 1989 quake. Stay tuned to this one, sports fans, and warm up the lawyers.

Mike Tyson's wife is divorcing him because of alleged infidelity. Tyson's lawyers will try and show that his wife was mentally incompetent because, hey, she married Mike Tyson, didn't she?

Hey, did anybody else forget to bring their "A-Game" to the Australian Open? I haven't seen this many seeds lost since Marcus Camby's last car accident.

And finally, seven years after the death of Howard Cosell, ABC is canceling his famous "Speaking of Sports" commentaries. That's probably a good thing, since no one will ever replace Cosell. For evidence, check out John Turturro's performance in "Monday Night Mayhem". How can Turturro be the only man in America who doesn't do a Howard Cosell impersonation?

Labels: Bears, Boxing, Bucs, NBA