Our Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline:

Wednesday - It is announced that due to security concerns, Super Bowl attendees will not be allowed to park in San Diego. They will have to leave their cars parked on the Baja Peninsula and walk across the border.

Thursday - A sweep of the Super Bowl results in the arrest and deportation of sixty-two illegal immigrants, five foreign nationals, and the cast of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period."

Saturday night, 8:30pm (Central Time) - Raiders coach Bill Callahan correctly identifies center Barret Robbins as "The Mole."

Super Bowl Sunday, 7:00am - Raider fans begin trying to pass through security. New rules state no weapons and nothing made of metal can be brought into the stadium. The check-point quickly resembles trying to run security at Thunderdome.

12:58pm - As their pregame show concludes, ESPN analysts give their picks. Sterling Sharpe predicts since the season had a record number of overtime games, this will be the first Super Bowl to go to OT. He picks Tampa Bay to win 13-9 in overtime. This is followed by a moment of stunned silence as everyone wonders how to win a game by four points in overtime.

12:59pm - Shannon Sharpe comes over to the ESPN set to make fun of his brother.

2:47pm - Magicians Penn & Teller are shown making their prediction for Super Bowl score and MVP, which will be suspended from a pole and guarded by U.S. Marines until after the game. Foreign countries watching the Super Bowl are puzzled at America's military strategy, which apparently involves dispatching armed troops to guard a pickle jar in Times Square.

4:58pm - Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr. ask us if we're ready for some football. By the way, Rock and Williams throw the second-least popular Super Bowl party, trailing only the annual "Ray Lewis Memorial Back Alley Bash."

5:01pm - Melissa Stark informs us that ABC has tracked down Raider center Barret Robbins' whereabouts to either a local hospital, a plane flight home, or "a city that starts with a 'B'."

5:03pm - Arnold Schwarzenegger provides a lame tie-in to the upcoming Terminator sequel. Not to be trivial here, but it just doesn't make any sense. Every time they send a cyborg back through time, the model looks ten years older than the last one. That's why the machines will never win, kids.

5:12pm - Celine Dion, a Canadian, sings "God Bless America." In other news, Lee Greenwood will be performing at this year's CFL Grey Cup.

5:26pm - Super Bowl XXXVII starts with the kickoff, brought to you by Pepsi, the Osbournes, and the letter "d".

5:33pm - Sebastian Janikowski's field goal gives the Raiders the first points of the ballgame.

5:35pm - Raider Nation is officially admitted to the United Nations.

5:36pm - At this point, Al Michaels has already used the words "obligatory," "alacrity," and "consternation." John Madden has used the words "whoomp," "clobber," and "whup."

5:45pm - Martin Gramatica ties the game with a field goal.

5:51pm - In a marketing tie-in, Rich Gannon is sacked by the Incredible Hulk.

6:05pm - Tampa Bay receives their first penalty. An on-screen graphic indicates this illegal shift was brought to you by Budweiser, The Matrix, and Rogaine.

6:18pm - Brad Johnson's thirty yard pass attempt to Keyshawn Johnson is knocked down by the no-fly zone.

6:19pm - Tampa Bay's second field goal makes it 6-3. Bettors who predicted a defensive struggle smile with much the same confidence of people in 2001 who had their life savings in Enron stock.

6:24pm - A commercial airs for next weekend's Pro Bowl and NHL All-Star game, neither of which will feature anyone from today's game.

6:25pm - In an attempt to jump-start their offense, Oakland goes to the no-huddle offense. An on-screen graphic indicates Oakland's lack of huddle is brought to you by Sierra Mist, Charlie's Angels, and long walks in the sunset.

6:40pm - Oakland has had the ball six times and only gained thirty yards. Raider Nation gets uppity.

6:57pm - Tampa Bay scores again, to make it 20-3. The Bucs number one defense looks as good as advertised. The Raiders number one offense, however, looks like Number Two.

7:02pm - The first half ends. MVP Rich Gannon has thrown for 56 yards with two interceptions. The NFL runs a promo where Don Cheadle angrily says 56 yards passing won't win anybody a Super Bowl.

7:11pm - The half-time show begins, brought to you by Cadillac, the klez virus, and Shania Twain's wardrobe.

7:15pm - Shania Twain sings a song with the chorus, "It can only go up from here." She does not mention any of the Oakland Raiders specifically by name.

7:18pm - While on break, Raider Nation conquers France.

7:22pm - Halftime concludes as Sting joins No Doubt on stage for a spirited version of his song, "Message In A Bottle." Who'd have thought that at halftime, the veteran taking advantage of the big stage and giving his most inspired performance in years would be Sting and not one of the Raiders?

7:30pm - A seventeenth promo for "Alias" is interrupted by the second-half kickoff, giving Oakland a chance to make a statement and retake the momentum.

7:49pm - After going three-and-out, the Raiders defense gives up an eighty-nine yard drive for a touchdown. As far as making statements go, the Raiders just said "Take my money, but please don't hurt me."

7:50pm - Martin Gramatica's extra point makes it 27-3, Tampa Bay. America sees what else is on.

8:09pm - After a Tampa Bay interception for a touchdown, millions of Americans lose interest in the game, flipping the TV over to VH1 to watch the Behind The Music special on the Raiders. "They had the league MVP and were favored to win the Super Bowl, but behind the scenes, things were falling apart."

8:13pm - Raider fans arrive at their seats after finally removing all their weapons and metal objects. Sadly, many of them are now naked, wearing only black and silver paint.

8:27pm - Oakland blocks a punt and returns it for a touchdown, ending the possibility of a historically significant Super Bowl butt-whipping.

8:47pm - Jerry Rice scores on the same deep slant pass he's scored on in every Super Bowl.

8:49pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's call on the extra point. The challenge fails.

8:50pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's mother.

9:06pm - A touchdown from Derrick Brooks officially ends the competitive portion of the Super Bowl. The NFL passes out the championship hats and shirts, and makes arrangements to drive Jon Gruden home.

9:12pm - The Bucs add their third defensive touchdown of the night. Oakland's offense now trails Tampa Bay's defense, 21-14.

9:16pm - Super Bowl XXXVII ends. Bon Jovi gets defrosted, while Tim Brown and Rich Gannon go back on ice again.

9:55pm - In Times Square, Penn & Teller reveal they correctly predicted not only the final score and the MVP, but also Rich Gannon's QB Rating and the whereabouts of Barret Robbins.

11:58pm - In his underground bunker, Al Davis vows revenge. Not only did he lose the Super Bowl, he has just realized that next year's first round pick he got for Jon Gruden is now the worst pick in the draft.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: Bucs, NFL, Raiders, Super Bowl Timelines