The Ricky Williams era has ended in the NFL. In spite of his on-field accomplishments, I will remember Ricky more for being the NFL albatross, signifying the eternal torment of every head coach foolish enough to deal with him. Mike Ditka went from legendary head coach to legendary erectile dysfunction sufferer, and Dave Wannstedt is probably headed for every drop of disgrace entitled to a coach who followed Don Shula and Jimmy Johnson. Who knew Ricky had personal problems? I mean other than anybody who saw him in the wedding dress.

Everybody talks about Ricky Williams being so durable, and how he carried the ball more in the last two years than any other running back. Is that supposed to be some kind of incentive for him to come back? "Gee, Ricky, we were really counting on you again this year. We're planning another quarterback controversy between the guy we never liked and the guy who's never been a starter before, and we went out and signed a professional bodybuilder masquerading as a wide receiver to help us. Why wouldn't you want to come back?"

Ricky has admitted to failing an NFL drug test, and also to being friends with Snoop Dogg. Actually, just being in the same car with Snoop Dogg is enough to register positive for drugs. Hangin' with Snoop is usually a sign things are about to go Sizz-outh.

And speaking of Miami, Shaquille O'Neal is going there. First thought: Great, can he play running back?

The best thing about the Shaq signing was the entrance. He comes into town in a black eighteen wheel truck with thousands of people cheering him, with "SHAQ IN BLACK" logos everywhere. Wow. Ric Flair never had that good of an entrance. My favorite part of the opening press conference was when the NBA went ahead and gave Shaq the starting center position for the Eastern Conference All-Star team for the next five years.

Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant resigns with the Lakers, lending them enough star power to attract players like...uh...help me out here. Gary Payton? Vlade Divac? Signing Gary Payton is like getting a really good prize in a box of Cracker Jacks, except the box is from 1996. And Vlade Divac is the kind of signing you don't really want to call a press conference to announce. You normally find that transaction on the back page of the sports section, underneath "Tank McNamara" and the bowling beer-league pictures.

Signing Vlade Divac should serve notice to the Los Angeles Lakers they are no longer Hollywood "A-List" material. When the Lakers throw a party, they will no longer get Jack Nicholson and Brad Pitt. Now, courtside shots will feature Greg Evigan and various ex-reality TV stars.

Seriously, Vlade Divac? Really? Vlade has reached the point where he's not an upgrade, or even a grade of any sort. They showed footage of when the Lakers originally drafted Vlade, and the footage was in black and white. Now he's just a giant hundred-year-old clone of Yakov Smirnoff, stumbling around the court, making some nice passes and tripping on things. I swear I saw him smoking at the free throw line last season.

Lance Armstrong has won yet another Tour De France. It's a shame it's over, because I was really enjoying talking to hundreds of people at work who follow bicycle racing religiously, even though they haven't ridden a bike since they were twelve. Tell me again, oh overweight office manager, about how Lance saves his strength to excel in the mountain stages. Please, share with me your insight on Lance's strategy in the time trial, you chain-smoking car salesman. Use words like "peloton" correctly, I dare you.

Armstrong has had to face accusations of steroid use this year, even though he has never failed a drug test and his accusers have no evidence. Even with the French media harassing him at every turn and convicting him without benefit of trial or evidence, Armstrong remains a gentleman in his rebuttals. Unlike that Barry Bonds jerk, who we all know is juicing.

Florida State's two national championship trophies were stolen a few weeks ago. I don't know who took them, but I did bet Adrian McPherson $100 that they'd turn up by the start of the season.

The Dallas Mavericks have made a trade for Christian Laettner, and NBA experts predict the Mavs aren't finished trading. Of course not. Any time you make a trade for Christian Laettner, you have ulterior motives.

Labels: CFB, Dolphins, NBA