Our 2004 NFL Draft Day Timeline:

Tuesday - A higher court reverses an earlier decision, ruling underclassman running back Maurice Clarett ineligible for the NFL Draft. Clarett's options are now to either appeal, or to try to go back to Ohio State. Since it appears Clarett stopped going to class about a year ago, he opts to appeal.

Wednesday - Archie Manning tells San Diego management he doesn't want the Chargers to draft his son. San Diego is amazed that anyone wouldn't want to be the next choice in their never-ending series of top five draft picks.

Thursday, 9:00AM - Maurice Clarett makes an emergency appeal of his case to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. She tells him to get off her lawn.

11:00AM - Archie Manning petitions the NFL to use the karma points he stored up from eleven seasons with the New Orleans Saints to free his son from the burden of San Diego football.

1:00PM - Maurice Clarett makes another emergency appeal to Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. He denies the appeal. Maurice Clarett's agent realizes that at no point during Clarett's career as a student-athlete at Ohio State did he attend a class in civics, since he appears to think the Supreme Court of the United States functions the same way as an all-night laundromat.

4:00PM - Maurice Clarett appeals his case to Judge Wapner. Rusty the bailiff escorts Clarett out.

Saturday, 8:15AM - From his suburban Batcave, Mel Kiper, Draft Expert finishes his list of the top fifteen prospective suitors for Jesse Palmer.

11:00AM - ESPN begins their 2004 draft coverage. This year's team includes four broadcasters on the desk, Michael Irvin dressed like a giant burnt umber Crayola, eighteen reporters at different teams' draft rooms, Suzy Kolber following the Manning family, two reporters following Suzy Kolber, a current players' panel, a retired players' panel, an overweight players'panel, and Merril Hoge and Ron Jaworski in an isolated underground studio in case of terrorist attack.

11:04AM - The fans at the NFL Draft boo the Manning family when Archie and Eli appear on screen. They would boo the San Diego Chargers, except none of the fans can recognize any Charger except Doug Flutie, who they've seen on ESPN Classic.

11:12AM - Jets fans follow a moment of silence for Pat Tillman with a "U-S-A" cheer. Energized, they follow it up with an "Osama Sucks" chant.

11:25AM - The San Diego Chargers select Eli Manning with the first draft pick. Manning has a look on his face like he's been invited to the Academy Awards as Rosie O'Donnell's date.

11:26AM - Manning holds up a Chargers #1 jersey, but politely declines to put on the customary team cap. The camera shifts to a shot of a 400-pound Chargers fan in a much -too-tight jersey chanting "Wear The Hat." In thousands of homes across America, viewers simultaneously yell at the fan to "Wear A Bra."

11:28AM - Eli Manning gives a post-draft interview where he is so vague and unemotional, he receives electoral votes for the Presidential nomination.

11:35AM - Oakland selects offensive tackle Robert Gallery. His draft status was improved by the fact he appears to be wearing a custom-made suit containing enough material to serve as a tarp for Fenway park.

11:39AM - A commercial airs for the NFL's new product, draft day hats. Their slogan is "As not worn by Eli Manning!"

11:45AM - The Arizona Cardinals select wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. Analyst Michael Irvin says Fitzgerald will be a Hall Of Famer. Mel Kiper, Draft Expert counters by saying that Fitzgerald will one day be selected Pope.

11:58AM - The New York Giants select quarterback Philip Rivers. Since Rivers is the player San Diego originally targeted, most analysts speculate they are selecting him to trade to the Chargers. This means San Diego used the first pick in the draft to select a player they not only didn't have as the best player on their boards, but a player who also hates them.

11:59AM - Paul Tagliabue goes ahead and writes the words "San Diego" at the top of his notes for the 2005 Draft.

12:07PM - While at the podium announcing the Redskins pick of safety Sean Taylor, Tagliabue announces that New York and San Diego have swapped their picks this year. New York also gives up a third round pick this year, a first and fifth round pick next year, and a lovely fruit basket.

12:18PM - Everyone suddenly remembers that Sean Taylor was drafted eleven minutes ago.

12:20PM - Cleveland trades up one slot to take tight end Kellen Winslow II: Return of the King.

12:28PM - Detroit selects receiver Roy Williams. Michael Irvin chides Williams for staying in college for his senior season. Mel Kiper, Draft Expert counters by knocking Williams for brushing after meals.

12:49PM - Jacksonville selects wide receiver Reggie Williams. This leads to a rare occurence, as the Draft crowd is momentarily too stunned to boo.

12:57PM - Pittsburgh selects quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Tommy Maddox realizes he'll soon be eligible to win the "Comeback Player Of The Year" award again.

1:15PM - The first misspelled "Rothlisberger" jerseys hit the stores in Pittsburgh.

1:50PM - Philadelphia trades up to select offensive tackle Shawn Andrews, even though they already have Tra Thomas and Jon Runyan at tackle. In an interview, Eagles coach Andy Reid admits he also buys his shoes in sets of three.

2:05PM - New Orleans selects defensive tackle Will Smith. Eight seconds later, Smith is the recipient of his first professional "Fresh Prince" joke.

2:48PM - Although Dallas is in severe need of a running back, they pass on Oregon State's Steven Jackson and give their pick to Buffalo, trading out of the first round completely.

4:36PM - The first round ends. In Washington D.C., Vice President Dick Cheney awards a no-bid contract to Halliburton to clean up the mess left by Dallas's draft pick.

5:15PM - Maurice Clarett ponders becoming the best-known running back the Arena Football League has ever known.

Labels: NFL, NFL Draft