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1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Lion Eyes
The Detroit Lions say if their season were to start today, Jon Kitna would be their starter at quarterback. I think I see some of the problems they've been having for the last decade. The Lions seem way too interested in getting ready to win those all-important March NFL games. You guys go ahead and relax for a while, and don't even worry about washing the jerseys and shining the helmets for another couple of months. Don't stress announcing a starting lineup for the April opener.
Lions coach Rod Marinelli also says with five QBs current on the roster, he doesn't see Detroit taking another quarterback in the upcoming NFL Draft. Whew, that's a stunner. Thank goodness the Lions aren't going to panic, and will stick to their plan of drafting wide receivers every first round until they make the playoffs again.
Baseball has chosen the man to finally investigate the problem of steroids, it will be George Mitchell. Mitchell is a former U.S. Senate Majority leader, and currently is the director of the Boston Red Sox, and chairman of the board of Walt Disney, which owns ESPN.
I applaud baseball for thinking outside the box, and getting someone who obviously has no ties to baseball and no vested interest in making sure things continue the way they are. Mitchell barely won the job over the other main candidate, Barry Bonds.
Former Rangers Kenny Rogers, now with Detroit, has been told he won't face jail time for assaulting a cameraman last year if he completes an anger management class.
To begin with, I hope it's not like defensive driving where you can just rent the tapes, because if the video has examples of people losing their minds in it, there's a pretty good chance that Kenny will be one of the first faces on the screen. And I pity the guy who has to put that tape back together.
And more importantly, the guy is in Detroit now. Hasn't he suffered enough? You expect him to get over all of his anger when he's in Detroit for two years? That's like sending a guy with a sex addiction problem to the Kennedy Compound to get better.
Just a quick acknolwedgement and thanks to buddy Whit Watson, the main man at Sun Sports Network in Florida, for mentioning the Fistful of Sports in his weekly column. While writing about a column in Sports Illustrated, Whit uses the Fistful as an example of sports blogs, with the ready-made pull quote "Fistful of Sports, composed by Reid Kerr, unfailingly funny".
Gracias, Whit! For my readers, Whit's columns are available here. He's just as funny, and a whole lot more informative.
Well, Alfonso Soriano has finally ended our long national nightmare, jogging into the outfield for the Washington Nationals after refusing to take the field when he was moved from second base. As much as we'd all like to blame Soriano for being another spoiled millionaire athlete, the questions that went through my mind were about the Nationals. They knew he didn't want to play outfield, why trade for him and spring it on him like that?
You know, if you've got Paul McCartney in your band, you let him do what he wants. You don't make him play drums. I mean, unless you're sure that Ringo won't catch on.
And while I'm talking about the Beatles, is it fair that we only have 2 of the Beatles and 2 of the Who left, but we still have all 4 Monkees?
And the Beatles have lost their guitarists, the Who their rhythm section. Can't we put these bands together, and make one last supergroup? You know, "One Night Only! The Whootles!" That kind of stuff?
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Nationals. Anyway, after a couple of times of filling out a lineup card and only having eight men jog onto the field, the team realized something was wrong. That's pretty good, it took the Mets a whole month to figure that out in the mid 90s.
Tennessee's Candace Parker has dunked in the NCAA Tournament. And now, it's all that anyone is talking about, as if the one-handed fast break dunk has revolutionized the women's game.
Great. Finally, women's basketball has reached the level of skill that caused the NBA to become unwatchable. Now that they can dunk, what's next for the women's game? Forgetting how to play defense? Trying to decriminalize travelling? Punching officials? Strangling coaches? Leaving unclaimed children wherever they go?
Wide receiver Terrell Owens has reportedly signed a three-year deal to come to Dallas, thus setting off angry Cowboys fans everywhere swearing that Jerry Jones has again ruined their team and they'll never watch a game.
Please. Since the Dallas Cowboys drafted Michael Irvin in 1988, they've drafted a steady string of gazelle-like wideouts. That means guys who run really well, and have hooves for hands.
Do Alexander Wright, Alvin Harper, or Kevin Williams show up very often on NFL Films? Ed Hervey, Stepfret Williams, and Macey Brooks were more likely to wind up in the XFL than a three-receiver set in Dallas. Wane McGarrity and MarTay Jenkins didn't make anybody forget Dupree or Pearson, and Antonio Bryant was only noteworthy when he was crazy.
Like, antisocial crazy. Like, bad enough for Cleveland to give up on him crazy, which indicates you ain't long for the league. When you look at your roster and say, "We don't need Bryant, we've got...uh...Joe Jurevicius and Dennis Northcutt. Together, they caught as many as he did last year. We'll be fine, Antonio. You just go ahead and keep throwing towels at coaches and talking to squirrels, we got this over here."
Anyway, Cowboys fans will boo Owens all they like, until the first time he makes a touchdown against Philadelphia, or even better yet, the Redskins. Then, all will be forgotten. He could score the TD that makes Dallas a playoff team, run into the endzone, pull out Tom Landry's hat and take a crap in it, and he'd still get cheered.
Just like they did against the hated spawn of Satan and MTV, Deion Sanders. Everybody hated him for pushing the 49ers over the Cowboys in 1995, but when he came to town and clog-danced in the silver star, he was a folk hero. Nobody wants to give back Super Bowl XXX because Prime Time was a part of that team, do they?
And Owens will be fine in Dallas. For exactly fourteen months. My over/under is May 26, 2007 for the moment when the TO/Cowboys relationship cracks open under the pressure like an Arizona sidewalk. Any takers?
The new York jets, who have the fourth pick in the draft, have dealt a draft pick for Redskins quarterback Patrick Ramsey. Prior to that, they were also in contention to pick up Falcons quarterback Matt Schaub.
Let's see, New Orleans signed Drew Brees, Detroit went out and got Jon Kitna and Josh McCown, Miami traded for Daunte Cuklpepper, and the Rams signed Gus Frerotte.
Good Lord, doesn't anybody want one of the three quarterbacks coming out in this year's draft? You've got people lining up and signing Jon Kitna just so they don't have to go out and risk their careers on Leinart, Cutler, and Young like they were Leaf, Mirer, and...I'm going to have to say Leaf again. I can't think of anybody else that scary to NFL GMs.
Washington has really helped themselves offensively in free agency, getting wide receivers David Patten, Brandon Lloyd, and Antwan Randle El to go along with Santana Moss. This will give them the power to flood the field at any time with multiple receiver sets where no one is any taller than 6'0".
Seriously, why stock up on exactly the same guy over and over again? You've got four guys within two inches and eight pounds of each other. I can only guess they're going to line them all up in a stack, make them wear the same number, and hope defenses get confused as to which midget they're supposed to be covering.
Daunte Culpepper has won the "Damaged Goods Quarterback Sweepstakes," taking his severely damaged knee and going to the Miami Dolphins. This leaves Drew Brees and his barely-functional shoulder to go to the similarly barely-functional Saints. The Lions responded by signing Jon Kitna, who is handicapped by being Jon Kitna.
Bills wide receiver Eric Moulds has asked Buffalo to trade him or release him. He had a rough year last year, getting suspended from the team at one point for a sideline argument with an assistant coach. While it would seem to be an easy choice for Buffalo, they still need Moulds. To put things in perspective, the week he was suspended he was still only nine yards away from being the Bills' third-leading receiver on the game.
Running back Edgerrin James has left the Indianapolis Colts to sign a four-year, 30 million dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals. Edge sounded happy about the change, saying he'd be playing with an MVP quarterback, two-timer Kurt Warner. Not sure if Edge noticed he was also leaving a two-time MVP quarterback to toil in the valley of the sun, where running backs go to rush for 800 yards a year.
James has carried 2,188 times for 9,226 yards and 64 touchdowns and is the leading rusher in Colts history. Expect him to become the leading rusher in Cardinals history in week eight of next season.
In Arizona's defense, Warner is a two-time MVP. Of course, since his last MVP season, Warner has thrown for 25 interceptions, and just 21 touchdowns. Warner is an MVP in the same sense that Cuba Gooding Jr. and Marisa Tomei are Oscar winners. Yes, but not so you could tell it lately.
Andre Agassi is trying to buy Bjorn Borg's Wimbledon trophies, which should cost around $520,000. Borg has apparently fallen on hard financial times, and Agassi would like to help him out. Let this be a lesson to all you young athletes, take care of your money. When you make money, make sure you're taken care of in the long term before you do anything silly, like...oh, I don't know...maybe spend a half-million bucks on somebody else's tennis trophies.
Minnesota quarterback Daunte Culpepper is demanding a trade from the perpetual burning ship that is the Vikings. Apparently the team sent him an email that upset him, and now he wants out.
Well, DC isn't exactly riding out of town on the shoulders of the masses, is he? Of course, there is one good thing about coming off of a season that saw you post career-worst numbers, tear three knee ligaments, and get charged in connection with the legendary Minnesota Vikings Sex Boat Scandal of '05. Now, Culpepper has some leverage with the team.
I know some people will think it goes the other way, but look at it like this, now Culpepper has nothing to lose. He's gone from a quality NFL quarterback to a legitimate menace to society. If you don't trade him, Lord knows what he'll do. If you want to keep him in Vikings purple next year, you run the risk of him sticking up liquor stores all over the Twin Cities.
And how bad was that email? I get a thousand forwarded messages a day about Amber alerts and cookie recipes, and it never drives me over the edge.
Surely by now, everyone on the planet has seen the story of the autistic basketball player who hit for 20 points in five minutes. It's a great story, one that appeals to everybody even if they're not sports fans. I see what everybody is interested about, but I see that story and you know what I wonder?
What was it like for the guy who was covering him?
How about the coach on the other side, what was he thinking?
"Time out! Time out! Alright guys, get over here. Grab a drink...okay, I've just got to ask. Who's covering the retarded kid? You know, the autistic guy? The guy who started the game as a freakin' manager? Is that you, Danny? Good work out there. In case you can't find him, he's the one with a learning disability who shoots the ball every time it touches his fingertips. Yeah, him. The one over there getting water for the other players during the timeout."
"Dammit, Danny...we're going to be on SportsCenter for the rest of our lives, boy. Why can't you cover the guy? Every eye in the place is watching him, and they're watching him drain three pointers over you."
"(pulls Danny close and whispers) Now, listen son. I wouldn't do this, but we're getting our asses kicked out there. He gets the ball, you yell at him. Scream his name. Bark at him. Whatever it takes. You grab a freakin' camera from the crowd and set the flash off at him if you have to. You've been working out for this game all of your life, and you're getting schooled by a guy with rudimentary social skills. Step up, son! Get a hand in his face!"
"We're 10-11 this year, and I'm not going to lose my job because my finely-trained boys couldn't cover a kid with a learning disorder who's never played the game. You got me, Danny? You distract that guy, or I'll have you running drills every afternoon for the rest of your life."
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