January, 2006: The Houston Texans go on the clock, with the first pick in the NFL Draft. They publicly resist pressure to draft hometown hero quarterback Vince Young, and say they're determined to sign running back Reggie Bush. Everyone who covers the draft writes Bush's name in ink at the top of their draft boards, ignoring the fact that the Texans have also been "determined" to protect the quarterback, have a winning record, and make the playoffs, and none of these things have successfully happened either.

Sunday: The story breaks that Reggie Bush's family allegedly lived rent-free in an expensive house while he was a student-athlete for USC.

Late Friday night: The Houston Texans announce they have reached a contract agreement, not with Bush, but instead with defensive end Mario Williams. ESPN springs into action, summoning Mel Kiper, Draft Expert by spotlighting a silhouette of his rigid hairline into the skies over Gotham city.

11:00am: The 2006 NFL Draft begins, brought to you by beer, snacks, and other things that are currently keeping sports fans alive all over the country.

11:03am: Chris Mortensen runs down the events of the past week in the life of Reggie Bush. In a two-minute explanation, he uses the word "allegedly" two dozen times.

11:05am: Watching from their rent-free luxury mansion, Bush's father is so distraught, he chooses to relax by taking a dip in their champagne-filled swimming pool.

11:14am: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announces the first pick, with Williams going to the Texans. Jets fans boo the pick, setting the precedent for the draft, the day, and their attitudes for the rest of their lives.

11:18am: FEMA announces they will be making the draft pick for New Orleans. However, they will not be ready to make the decision until October.

11:21am: Reggie Bush's father tries to calm his nerves by taking his solid gold dog for a walk.

11:27am: The Saints take Bush. His family celebrates, figuring with his first contract, they can continue to live rent-free for the rest of their lives.

11:29am: Bush is referred to as a player who can help rebuild the franchise. If he can also help rebuild bridges, homes, and schools, the city has their man.

11:33am: A commercial airs from the state of Louisiana, thanking America for coming back, and the Houston Texans for passing on Reggie Bush.

11:36am: The Titans are up, and draft Vince Young, in spite of the fact that USC quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart is still on the board. And Titans coach Jeff Fisher in a USC graduate. And Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow coached Leinart in college. Leinart checks his horoscope for the day, which reads "Taurus: The stars are aligning against you. Keep your wits about you, and don't worry, it's a dry heat."

11:38am: A graphic indicates that Young is the third quarterback taken third overall since 1996, putting Young in a group with Akili Smith and Joey Harrington. Young's agent promptly sues ESPN for defamation of character.

11:46am: The New York Jets pass on Leinart, and take tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson. In another bad omen for Leinart, for the first time ever, Jets fans don't boo their team's first draft choice.

12:01pm: Already having a quarterback on the roster who's not ready to play in the NFL, Green Bay drafts linebacker A.J. Hawk. Nick Lachey stops returning Leinart's phone calls.

12:06pm: Tight end Vernon Davis is shown crying as San Francisco drafts him. ESPN analysts quickly point out that lots of people cry when they join the 49ers.

12:15pm: Analyst Ron Jaworski devotes five full minutes to raving about Leinart's qualifications, giving the impression that ESPN is about to draft him.

12:25pm: Relying on the combined 342 years of football experience of owner Ralph Wilson and general manager Marv Levy, Buffalo drafts a guy nobody has ever heard of.

12:31pm: Detroit selects linebacker Ernie Sims, ending a six-year run of first-round offensive selections that got them all the way to the 27th best offense in the league.

12:34pm: The Arizona Cardinals respond to their pressing need of having the worst pass defense in the league by finally drafting quarterback Matt Leinart.

12:35pm: Leinart realizes Arizona hasn't had a winning record in seven years, and Howie Mandel comes out to thank him for playing "Deal, No Deal, or the Cardinals".

1:04pm: Cleveland and Baltimore work a trade, which is the equivalent of Jennifer Anniston holding a parking space open for Angelina Jolie.

2:44pm: The Miami Dolphins draft defensive back Jason Allen. Meanwhile, former Miami running back Ricky Williams is courted by a Canadian Football League team, finally giving him an option to play in a country where marijuana is legal.

3:31pm: Chicago goes on the clock. Seizing the opportunity, Buffalo trades up in the draft to grab another player no one has ever heard of. The Bills then shut down the war room to hit the early bird special at Luby's Cafeteria.

4:01pm: The first round ends with New Orleans thrilled, USC disappointed, and Buffalo stunned into a suicide watch.

Labels: NFL, NFL Draft