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1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
TO: The Remix
Okay, one day after the mess began with Terrell Owens, I think I've been able to piece together what happened.
Distraught over his non-inclusion in the second season of "Dancing With The Stars", Terrell Owens decided to rehab his broken finger by taking his pain medication, along with an entire bottle of "Miracle Gro" plant food. His agent saw him collapse under the strain of the medication, and the weight of his own ego, and immediately began to calculate the total worth of his contract and called 911. The Dallas media showed up, began to interview each other, and speculated that Owens must have been trying to kill himself, since TO must hate TO the same way the media hates TO. During this time, ESPN reported that Terrell Owens has committed suicide, and quoted him as "dying for our sins." TO went to the hospital, where he made a brief guest-appearance on "Grey's Anatomy" and checked himself out. The entire event was so jarring, Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentioned Owens by name for the first time, and TO actually showed up for practice.
TO's status for this week's game at Tennessee has been upgraded from "Suicidal" to "Probable".
Former NFL Linebacker Bill Romanowski has gotten in trouble for scolding a 12-year-old in a flag football league for dirty play. Romanowski had a well-founded reputation as a dirty player, doing everything from steroids and cheap shots, to spitting on players and sucker-punching one of his own teammates.
Romanowski chided the child, then told him to go back to the huddle and think about what he had done. Then as he turned around, Romo gave him a forearm shot to the kidneys.
In other news, Little League coach Daryl Strawberry has chastized one of his players for "not being able to handle his high".
Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens may or may not have tried to commit suicide. Not sure of what exactly happened, but I know it was serious because Bill Parcells actually referred to him by name.
The Tennessee Titans have announced they will be retiring Warren Moon's number on Sunday. No Titan will ever wear Moon's #1 again, which is kind of impressive since Moon never wore a jersey for the Titans. Moon played eighteen years, but never played a game on the home side in Tennessee, since Bud Adams took the worst hairpiece ever (and the Oilers) and skipped out of Houston long after he had already traded Moon away. That's like the Ravens retiring Johnny Unitas's number, or the Raiders feeling like they can honor any athlete who ever played in California.
Philadelphia Eagle defensive lineman Mike Patterson had the slowest 98 yard touchdown return for a touchdown in the history of mankind. The 292 pound behemoth scooped up a fumble at the two, beat 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, and ran the distance for the score. What's most telling to me is the way the tank-like Patterson had to beat Smith, and not a single other player from San Francisco. That's the kind of "always-say-die" attitude we've come to expect from the Niners. Come on, he's almost three bills. You could have given him a ten yard headstart and caught him with a Segway.
I'm watching the Seahawks pummel the New York Giants (42-3 after 3). They keep showing NY alleged wide receiver Plaxico Burress on the sidelines, and they keep quoting the team as saying "it's not a back issue" as the reason why he's out of the game. Apparently the Giants have placed Burress on the "Physically Unable To Catch A Damn Thing" list.
Washington Nationals outfielder Alfonso Soriano stole his 40th base of the season on Saturday, joining the legendary 40-40 club for players who have had 40 steals and home runs in the same season. He joins Jose Canseco, Barry Bonds, and Alex Rodriguez in the club. Man, that's a fun group to join, isn't it? Congrats on the great season, Alfonso! Now we'll mention you in the same breath as the steroid-monkey who wrote a book that soured the whole world on the game, the guy whose chase of baseball's ultimate record nauseates true fans of the game, and the pretty-boy MVP who can't even get cheered in his own town, stadium, or dugout.
Congratulations to the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers on winning their week one game. Congratulations also to the NFL marketing department for surviving the horror that could have been "World Champion Opening Day Starter Charlie Batch."
The defending NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks beat Detroit in a game with five field goals, no touchdowns, and luckily no drunken nudity from a Lions coach.
Apparently, a couple of Archie Manning's kids played each other in a game this weekend. Not sure, nobody in the media seemed to mention it. With all due sarcasm, okay, the game's over. Let's please stop talking about the Manning brothers like putting them on the same field is splitting the atom.
The Bills lost to the Patriots on a safety. Say what you want about the Buffalo Bills, but at least they're committed to finding new ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
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