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NFL DRAFT TIMELINES:

2007: Brady Quinn goes into lockdown.

2006: Reggie becomes New Orleans' favorite Bush.

2005: Funny nicknames and falling QBs.

2004: The Great Manning controversy.

2003: The Bengals remain on the clock.
2002: David Carr's biomechanics are questioned.
2001: Ryan Leaf makes Michael Vick a Falcon.
2000: Janikowski, baby.
1999: The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect, eh?



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A Horse? Of Course!

The big story all day yesterday on sports radio (and the news) was 2006 Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro being put down, due to a broken leg.

To start with, let me say that I am an animal lover. I say this not to make light of the plight of the horse, I have no problem with horses even though most of the ones I've met seemed to be giant smelly beasts who hated me.

Anyway, thanks for the all-day wall-to-wall coverage guys, but here's a newsflash.

It's a horse.

It's just a horse. They didn't put down Michael Jordan. It's a news story, sure, but it's not the lead. ESPN approached the story like Peyton Manning had just been arrested for picking up teenagers on MySpace.

If ESPN didn't keep telling us who the Derby winner was last year, 98% of people wouldn't know, and the other 2% only remember because they either won or lost money on the race.

Horse racing isn't a sport anymore, it's just an activity to bet on. Craps, roulette, and Lotto aren't sports, neither is horse racing. The vast majority of people only see horse racing as an occasional way to donate money to the mob. It's like the lottery for rich people and organized crime figures.

If you disagree with the 2006 Kentucky Derby winner's death not being the top story, riddle me this. Where is the 2005 Kentucky Derby winner? Signing autographs and hoofprints at a card show somewhere in Georgia? Does anybody know?

Say what you want, but I prefer to watch a sport where the athletes know they're competing.

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Saving Your Knickels

According to Forbes magazine, the New York Knicks are the most valuable team in the NBA. The Knicks lead the league in value at $592 million dollars. Coincidentally, they also lead the league in the valuable commodity of shoot-first-point guards.

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Donald Trumped

Donald Trump wants his new Trump National Golf Club in New Jersey to host the U.S. Open, according to a report from USA Today.

Oh, good Lord. Just stop, Donald.

I was hoping that him administering the deathblow to his own USFL twenty years ago would have prevented him from meddling in the affairs of sports again. The only good thing about Trump playing golf is that he would have to design some kind of specially-reinforced golf cap synthesized from futuristic polymers that could contain that bioengineered rug he's got on top. The technological advances could usher in a new Golden Age.

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Big Mac, Hold The Cheese..For Questioning

When asked whether Mark McGwire should be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, President and former Texas Rangers owner George Bush said "I don't have a vote." He then went on to say that while he couldn't vote on the honor, he did have the power to have McGwire's phone tapped, place him on a "no fly" list, or award him a no-bid multimilion dollar contract for cleanup in Iraq.

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Just Walk, Baby

USC assistant coach Steve Sarkasian withdrew from the coaching race to take over the Oakland Raiders over the weekend, even though he had not yet been offered the job. Good job! Sarkasian also turned down the chance to run Enron, watch a recent Robin Williams movie, and to have a midget punch him repeatedly in the crotch.

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The Gift Horse

Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is continuing to recover from injuries. Let this be a lesson to young horses and jockeys everywhere. When the mob tells you to take a dive, you take a dive and nobody gets hurt.

All-Star Secret

According to the Associated Press, the 2007 WNBA All-Star Game will be played in Washington, DC, according to a league source who requested anonymity. The article isn't clear because this is a secret, or if he just doesn't want anybody to know he works with the WNBA.

Why wouldn't you want people to know your game is in Washington DC? It's an All-Star Game, not Dick Cheney. It's whereabouts shouldn't be classified.

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All-Star Secret

According to the Associated Press, the 2007 WNBA All-Star Game will be played in Washington, DC, according to a league source who requested anonymity. The article isn't clear because this is a secret, or if he just doesn't want anybody to know he works with the WNBA.

Why wouldn't you want people to know your game is in Washington DC? It's an All-Star Game, not Dick Cheny. It's whereabouts shouldn't be classified.

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Speed Geek

Bored with steroids, we've now gone on to speculating what other chemicals Barry Bonds has been using. A USA Today report says Bonds tested positive for amphetamines last year. Players Association Chief Operating Officer Gene Orza said "I don't comment on the drug program at all. It's confidential."

Well, apparently not. And that sure seems to be the problem, eh? If it were any less confidential, we'd have pictures of Bonds shooting up on the front page of People Magazine.

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Pump Up The Math

Charger Shawne Merriman on his steroid suspension: "Two out of ten people will always believe I did something intentional."

Yeah, adults would usually just say one out of five, Shawne. With your history of steroids, I guess you're not used to reducing things.

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Steel Breeze

A sad day at the Fistful of Sports offices. Bill Cowher has stepped down from the Pittsburgh Steelers after 15 years on the job. On the brighter side of things, Nick Saban has now been coach of Alabama for a whole 48 hours without leaving, so I guess when God closes a door, he opens a window.

I also read that Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen is interviewed in interviewing Bill Cowher's mustache for the Lions head coaching job.

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HEADLINES:
Detroit Lions Sue Charles Rogers For Impersonating An NFL Player
Aquaman Indicted For Role In Dogfish-Fighting Ring
Immigration Reform Bill Derails NFL Europe
Alex Rodriguez Plans To Leave New York, Purchase Canada
Daunte Culpepper Drops Daunte Culpepper From His Fantasy Team
NCAA To Investigate Claims Reggie Bush Given House, Car, Ambassadorship

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The Fistful of Sports Web Site is a forum for open discussion on the world of sports, pop culture, and society in general. The opinions expressed on this web site are those of the authors of the respective pieces. As with all humorous writing, please take this site with a grain of salt, and remember to play nice with others. The Fistful is always looking for contributors. For more information, send an email to Reid Kerr. All rights reserved. The Fistful of Sports web site and column are owned and operated by Reid Kerr.