It seems like we're on pace for one "shocker" every week this NFL season. First it was Miami over New England, then Kansas City beating Denver. Then Britney won a VMA, and Howie Mandel got to host the Emmys, and somebody greenlit a Bill Maher movie, and the next thing you know the whole financial system is crumbling around us. Hopefully this week, we'll get back to sanity.

Anyway, here goes for Week Five. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.

WEEK FIVE:

Kansas City at Carolina - Tony Gonzalez is displeased with the Chiefs for not throwing him a three-yard pass at the end of the game to set a receiving record. When your team is so bad you can keep track of your own fantasy stats during the game, it might be time for a change.
Pick: Panthers

San Diego at Miami - The Dolphins surprised New England with the Single-Wing offense for a win. This week, look for them to bring back the wishbone, the dropkick, the jump pass, and the single-bar helmet.
Pick: Chargers

Seattle at NY Giants - For the purposes of discussion, let's just agree that chances are Plaxico Burress isn't a really good guy. The man has a name like an over-the-counter fluoride rinse, so he's probably had to deal with rage issues his whole life.
Pick: Giants

Buffalo at Arizona - People keep pointing out this is Buffalo's first 4-0 start since 1992, like that's something they want to remember. That season didn't exactly end as well as Bills fans would hope. It's like reminding Tom Brady how well the Chiefs game was going right up until the point Bernard Pollard parked his helmet on Tom's knee.
Pick: Cardinals

Cincinnati at Dallas - Carson Palmer says he'll be ready for the Cowboys, which based on what the Bengals have shown us this year is almost humorous to consider. Factoring in Palmer, Matt Leinart, and Matt Cassel, you have to figure USC quarterbacks are to NFL success as Dane Cook is to watchable movies.
Pick: Cowboys

Tennessee at Baltimore - The Titans are the best team in eight years to not have a single marketable offensive star. Not since the 2000 Giants, also led by Kerry Collins, have we had a team simultaneously so good and so nondescript. If you were going to buy a Titans jersey, whose number would you get?
Pick: Titans

Atlanta at Green Bay - Aaron Rodgers says he's going to play in this game, which will put him on pace to overcome Favre's record of consecutive starts as soon as the 2024 season rolls around.
Pick: Packers

Chicago at Detroit - Without GM Matt Millen, Detroit will need to change the way they do things, beginning with selecting a new starting scapegoat.
Pick: Lions

Indianapolis at Houston - The Texans already have that "New Orleans Saints in 2005" vibe to them, where we'll love them next year when we realize what they've already had to overcome since they're completely screwed this year.
Pick: Colts

Also I'll take New England over the Niners, Jags over Steelers, Vikings over Saints, Eagles over Skins, and the Broncos over the Bucs.

Last Week: 7-6 (54%), 37-60 (62%) overall.

Labels: NFL