1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
NFL Picks: Having Difficulty Sustaining An Election?
It's apparently election time around here, judging from the fact that when I drove through my neighbor's yard on my way to my driveway late last night, I wound up pulling a couple of brightly colored signs out of my hubcaps. I'm not political, but if there were a candidate who ran on a platform of ball control offenses, all out Buddy Ryan-style blitzes, and mandatory endzone celebrations, I'd sign up in a heartbeat.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week nine. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind, especially after the Steelers lack of a deepsnapper last week cost me a metaphorical bundle. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK NINE:
Detroit at Chicago - The Lions possibly signing Daunte Culpepper reminds me of the old axiom, "I was sad because I had no quarterback, until I met the team that signed Daunte Culpepper." Here's your embarrassing Lions headline of the week, "Bears Take Lions Seriously." Pick: Bears
Jacksonville at Cincinnati - Vegas oddsmakers have made the Bengals seven point underdogs for their bye week next Sunday. Pick: Jags
Baltimore at Cleveland - Another Browns receiver is done for the season, as Joe Jurevicius is out with complications from a staph infection. Staph is rapidly becoming as dangerous in the NFL as a Ray Lewis Super Bowl party. Pick: Browns
Arizona at St. Louis - I saw a sportscaster describing this one as a rivalry because the Cardinals used to be in St. Louis. That's not much of a sell for this game. Going home to a place where you went 28 years without a playoff win is like going back to the college dorm room where you flunked freshman calculus four times. Pick: Cardinals
Houston at Minnesota - Texans receiver Andre Johnson could set a record with his fifth straight game with ten or more receptions, or a hundred and thirty yards in the game. Not to be outdone, Vikings quarterback Gus Frerotte has already broken his own record for most games without injuring himself by headbutting a stadium. Pick: Texans
Tampa Bay at Kansas City - Look for the Chiefs this week to put Larry Johnson on the "Physically Too Stupid To Live" list. Pick: Bucs
Miami at Denver - As one last warning to sportscasters everywhere, a dolphin is a mammal. It's not a fish. Wikipedia this if necessary. Pick: Broncos
Dallas at NY Giants - Jerry Jones says he thinks Brad Johnson is the team's best option for Sunday. There's a ringing endorsement. Jones also said Brad Johnson had "a great personality," and he was a "fantastic cook." Your weekly update on things younger than Brad Johnson include Snoop Dogg, the Manson Family killings, and "All My Children." Pick: Giants
Philadelphia at Seattle - The best Seahawks quarterback in the league right now? Jim Zorn. Pick: Eagles
New England at Indianapolis - This is the game of the week, if this week were located somewhere between 2004 and 2007. Pick: Pats
Pittsburgh at Washington - I'm waiting for the Chunky Soup commercial where Hines Ward throws a crackback block on Donovan McNabb's mom, and noodles go flying everywhere. Pick: Steelers
Also this week, I'll take the Bills over the Jets, Falcons over Raiders, Titans over Packers, Obama over McCain, "High School Musical 3" over "Zack and Miri Make A Porno," and Taco Bueno's fajita steak taco over any fast food item I've ever paid $3 or less for.
Last Week: 7-7 (50%, thanks to Pittsburgh's deep snapper), 68-48 (59%) overall.
Let's get this straight. In the history of the Dallas Cowboys franchise, they've never had a game where they gained 172 yards or less and still managed to luck into a win.
Never.
I don't blame the Cowboys for being worried, Johnson only led one touchdown drive, and that was helped out by four, count 'em, four Tampa Bay penalties. This week the Cowboys play at the Giants, who just sacked Ben Roethlisberger five times. Next to Brad Johnson, Roethlisberger looks like Speedy Gonzales. Running from predators. On meth.
Now, the scariest pass rush in the league faces a non-mobile quarterback who's as old as Big Daddy Kane.
I think it's okay for the team to admit some concern.
ESPN is reporting that several NFL players have tested positive for banned substances, at least half of them being found to use a water pill that helps the user to lose weight.
This may seem confusing to some, since a water pill is not in and of itself a steroid, nor will tanking up on water pills make you a better football player. However, the diuretic Bumetanide can also be used to mask steroid use, so testing positive for that sends up a warning signal.
To explain, it's like banning Pacman Jones from using alcohol, then testing him every Friday night for an overuse of breath mints to see if it seems fishy.
As the day comes to make my NFL picks, I'm once again reminded why I don't make a living betting on the games. Of course, these days, it seems we're barely making a living doing whatever it is that we're do for a living, either.
If nothing else, I think the current proves conclusively we've learned our lesson from the Great Depression. We all remember the stories of financial executives throwing themselves out of windows. Now no matter how bad they've #^@% the bed, we make sure they get a nice severance package on their way out. It keeps the streets clean of bodies, I suppose.
Kids, if you don't know what the Great Depression was, it was more than just the thing that killed that Kurt Cobain guy. Wikipedia it.
Over at The Street.com, they published an article on the ten reasons you're not rich. Some of them were pretty obvious, so I've decided to help my readers out with some reasons of my own why you might not be rolling in dough.
* You are paying for anything on a weekly basis.
* You currently have a problem with a large unsecured debt obtained in a bar bet.
* After buying rims, your vehicle costs more than your house.
* Addendum: If your vehicle is taller than your house, that's not good either.
* You should not see "shiny teeth coverings" as a major investment.
* When you see the stock market ticker scrolling at the bottom of the screen, it makes you immediately flip over to ESPN to check the college football scores.
* Your portfolio isn't diversified. Don't buy all your ceremonial collectors plates in Elvis. Spread them around, get some Dale Earnhardts.
* With times tough, you have to wait for the Christmas rush to do maintenance on your meth lab.
* All your money goes to your legal team. (OJ only)
* Your plans for "cashing in your retirement account" involve sitting at the kitchen table with a Folgers can full of loose change.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week eight. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK EIGHT:
Tampa Bay at Dallas - Quarterback Brad Johnson has Cowboys fans partying like it's 1999. Of course, in 1999 Johnson was already a seven-year veteran. Things younger than Brad Johnson include the Woodstock concert, the White Album, and the Cincinnati Bengals. Pick: Cowboys
St. Louis at New England - Tom Brady now has the most famous knee injury in the world, narrowly beating out Nancy Kerrigan. Pick: Patriots
Kansas City at NY Jets - Brett Favre has officially dropped Matt Millen from his "Friends and Family" plan. Pick: Jets
Atlanta at Philadelphia - Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan was a Philly high school star, which means the Philly crowd will treat him like a cross between a betraying lover and an enemy of the state. Pick: Eagles
Oakland at Baltimore - Fired coach Lane Kiffen is trying to get his salary from Al Davis. The last time Davis refused to pay a coach, Mike Shanahan wound up winning two Super Bowls in Denver. That historical comparison is the closest Kiffen will ever come to getting benefits from Davis. Pick: Ravens
Cleveland at Jacksonville - When the biggest topic dealing with your football team is where your tight end got infected, you've got problems that penicillin can't cure. The entire Browns organization needs a good bleach-bath. Pick: Jags
Cincinnati at Houston - This was originally supposed to be Houston's bye week, but instead they'll play the Bengals. In Blackjack terms, that's called "a push." Pick: Texans
NY Giants at Pittsburgh - This one is advertised as a "possible Super Bowl preview," which is one of my least favorite sports cliches. We get about six PSBP's per year. Pick:Steelers
Seattle at San Francisco - Mike Holmgren is denying reports he's going to leave Seattle in the offseason and take over San Francisco. Man, I'd deny that too. I'd deny reports I'm going to leave my one-room apartment after this year and move into a cardboard box down by the overpass, also. Pick: 49ers
Also, I'll take the Colts over Titans, Cards over Panthers, Chargers over Saints at the Benny Hill Dome, and my beloved Buffalo Bills over Miami.
Brett Favre denies a report that said he gave the Lions information to help them beat the Packers earlier this year.
Favre said he just got a phone call from then-Lions general manager Matt Millen, but they didn't discuss the game.
What is the big deal? The Lions still lost by 23 points. Favre could have handed Matt Millen a Packers playbook, a shotgun, and a map to Aaron Rodgers' house and the Lions would still get dropped by double-digits.
The only thing strange about this is the thought that anyone in the NFL would take phone calls from Matt Millen.
You lose your quarterback in week one, get him back for a cameo appearance in week seven and then lose him again for the year and wind up signing guys off of practice squads. Except for an accidental victory over Denver, you haven't been close to a win. Now, the only player you had who casual fans/fantasy football geeks had ever heard of is benched, suspended, and investigated for his fourth assault of a woman in five years.
I know Herm Edwards saw Kansas City as a rebuilding effort. Turns out KC is a full-fledged reclamation project. The bright spot on the schedule is a last-week game against Cincinnati. By that point, the Chiefs may have used fifty different quarterbacks and still be favored by six points.
Cleveland tight end Kellen Winslow Jr. spent last week in the hospital dealing with some kind of unspecified illness. The Browns wouldn't say what it was, leading football fans to speculate it was everything from cancer to Dutch Elm disease. After leaving the hospital, Winslow revealed he had a staph infection.
Come to find out, staph infections are certainly nothing new to the Browns locker room, with at least six reported cases since 2005. Cleveland fans have long been famous for being close to their team, apparently in the city, that starts at the viral level.
Browns coach Romeo Crennel said he might punish Winslow for his comments, where he said he felt like "a piece of meat" and was upset at Browns management for not visiting him in the hospital. You know, most doctors would suggest that just after overcoming an infection that could have killed him, a patient might get a little bit of slack. I know Winslow's always been mouthy, but finding out you're showering in the same room as the Andromeda Strain might make him justifiably edgy.
Tony Romo, broken pinkie finger and all, has been upgraded from "No Freakin' Way" to "Questionable" for Sunday's game against St. Louis. Apparently playing against the Rams is so much fun, he doesn't want to let anything come between him and a big day.
Also, the Cowboys have been fined for suspending Pacman Jones. Apparently due to a new rule, teams who have more than one player suspended by the league have to pay part of their salary back to the NFL. Pacman is the second Cowboy to get tossed, so Jerry Jones has to write the league a check.
This seems like another weird rule that's only in place because of the Oakland Raiders. You know how until Oakland came along, nobody ever thought to fumble a ball forward at the end of a game to try and keep a play alive, or figured out that if you covered your whole body in Stickum, you could catch the ball by merely touching it? This seems like another one of those experiences where somewhere along the way, an owner decided it would be easier to get his players suspended than to have to pay their salaries.
It might not have been Al Davis, but that certainly seems to be how Al treats his coaches.
After last week's wins by the Rams and Browns over the Redskins and Giants, I'm thoroughly convinced that no one in the NFL is as good or as bad as they seem to be. When Atlanta and Arizona are suddenly division-leading powers, you can't count on anything to make sense. The Dolphins could come out this week in the Wishbone and the Patriots could start punting on first down, and it wouldn't surprise me. As Henrik Ibsen said, "These are crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy nights."
Actually come to think of it, that might have been Paul Stanley. I'll look it up later.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week seven. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind, especially if I have another week like last week. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK SEVEN:
San Diego at Buffalo - After Sunday's Chargers win over New England, I can honestly say I haven't seen someone enjoy a long-awaited beatdown of a hated rival like that since Mel Gibson stuck that evil Redcoat guy at the end of "The Patriot." Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Carolina - Whose bright idea was it to take the team that gets run out of town by hurricanes and make them play away from home for five weeks and go overseas to London in the middle of the season? That's just cruel. Pick: Saints
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati - Cincinnati Bengals tickets are now officially as hard to unload as Tony Danza autographs. Pick: Steelers
San Francisco at NY Giants - The Giants went almost ten months between defeats, while the Niners have found they're not bothered at all by getting knocked off every seven days. In pure propaganda terms, San Fran should have the edge here since they're on familiar ground. Pick: Giants
Baltimore at Miami - This is a real mismatch. The Dolphins have two offenses, and the Ravens have none. Pick: Ravens
Dallas at St. Louis - Brett Favre called Tony Romo to encourage him about his pinkie finger injury. Apparently, he called him a big sissy, because the next thing you know he was talking about playing, broken finger and all. The question here shouldn't be "Is Romo healthy?" It should be "If we need Romo to beat the Rams, why aren't we panicking more?" Pick: Cowboys
Detroit at Houston - Things are finally looking up for Lions fans. After this week, at least you can get their old jerseys cheap on EBay. Pick: Lions
NY Jets at Oakland - What's up with those blue uniforms the Jets wore last week? It should be a law that your throwback unis actually are from your team, and not a throwback to when you didn't have the same colors and name. It's an homage, it's not the NFL witness protection program. It would be like the Ravens wearing their old Browns uniforms. It's just wrong. Pick: Jets
Indianapolis at Green Bay - Peyton Manning was afraid to mention he had a second knee surgery because it might give his opponents information they could use as an advantage. For this same reason, the Giants once went an entire season without putting Ron Dayne's name on the back of his jersey. Pick: Packers
Seattle at Tampa Bay - The Seahawks offense is beginning to look like an NFL team from one of those commercials where they don't actually buy the rights to use the actual players' names on the jerseys. Pick: Bucs
Also, I'll take the Broncos over the Pats, Skins over Browns, Titans over Chiefs, and the Bears over the Vikings. Feel free to chastise, encourage, or leave your own upset pick of the week in the comments section.
The one NFL trade that didn't happen was in Kansas City, where tight end Tony Gonzalez wasn't dealt to a contender. After a possible deal sending him to the Giants fell apart, Gonzalez held a players-only meeting to tell his teammates he's still committed to Chiefs.
You know, it says a lot when you have to hold a press conference to say that you aren't angry you didn't make it out of town, and you're not really upset that you still have to keep working with your teammates.
Why, just the other day I called my Examiner coworkers together to tell them that my application and resume were returned from Sports Illustrated with a restraining order attached again. I wanted them to know that having to stay with them wasn't as bad as I had initially indicated, and I was sorry I publicly begged to be released from my contract so I could go somewhere, anywhere else.
They were so happy they threw confetti all over my desk, which they dragged out into the alleyway behind the Examiner dumpster. I can only hope Tony got the same kind of hometown reception when he announced he wasn't upset at having to stick around.
Well, that was certainly fun. The Pacman Jones era in Dallas is now over, or at least on hold. NFL Sheriff Roger Goodell has suspended Pacman indefinitely, with the punishment to last at least four weeks.
The strange thing here is that the suspension actually helps the Cowboys out in one way. Because of Pacman's "Gin Up & Riot" weekend, Dallas now doesn't have to send Tennessee a sixth round pick, and actually gets a fifth round pick back from the Titans next year.
It seems like for his entire career, Pacman Jones has been the kind of athlete that only helps his team by not playing. Perhaps if he were sent to federal prison, Dallas would get a backup quarterback, a player to be named later, and a really nice set of steak knives.
After watching far too many political debates, I can't help but think that polling is the equivalent of the halftime stats. It does tell a story, true, but not one that really matters when it's all over. You can mention them and try and make a case with them, but if the final score doesn't line up with them, who cares?
Unless you're playing some kind of political fantasy football, I suppose. I always figured Karl Rove was doing that.
So here goes with the NFL picks for Week Six. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK SIX:
Cincinnati at NY Jets - Going into what was basically a job interview in Dallas, Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco Johnson Mellencamp responded with a jaw-dropping forty-three yards in catches against the Cowboys. No offense, but Kenny Stabler used to gain that much ground with a fumble. Pick: Jets
Baltimore at Indianapolis - The Baltimore Ravens offense lead the league in time of possession, and are in the bottom five in scoring points. This makes them the equivalent of "The English Patient." Long, and very hard to watch. Pick: Colts
Detroit at Minnesota - How can you trust the special teams of the Vikings when their punter couldn't hit out-of-bounds against the Saints? That's worse than not hitting the broad side of the barn, because there's two sidelines. Pick: Vikings
Oakland vs. New Orleans - Al Davis might not be screwing up his team by calling his own defenses, but he's certainly not helping by telling the offensive coordinator to throw it to Biletnikoff. Pick: Saints
St. Louis at Washington - Two coaches, two quarterback changes, still 0-4. The Rams are 13.5 point underdogs in this one, which is still slightly better than the ten point underdogs they were last Sunday during their bye week. Pick: Redskins
Jacksonville at Denver - How could Jacksonville not know the Steelers were going to throw the touchdown pass to Hines Ward inside of the last two minutes of their Sunday night game? In the program, it clearly says "Hines Ward, Ht: 6'0", Wt: 205, Pos: WR who catches TD passes inside of the last two minutes." Pick: Denver
Dallas at Arizona - Kurt Warner has indicated he's thinking about retiring. Show of hands, how many of you thought this had already happened at least once? Pick: Cowboys
Green Bay at Seattle - The Packers are underdogs to a one-win team. That's like people thinking Corey Haim could beat you up. Pick: Packers
Miami at Houston - The evacuation has been lifted in the wake of last week's Rosenfels collapse. Pick: Texans
New England at San Diego - This is definitely a battle between the two best teams in the AFC, unless you want to point out that they've both been beaten by the Dolphins. I don't want to do that, it's like pointing out that Marisa Tomei has an Oscar. Once you accept it, nothing else makes sense. Pick: Patriots
Also, I'll take the Giants over the Browns, Panthers over Bucs, Bears over Falcons, and the Eagles over the Niners.
See, that's what happens when you try and take the trouble out of the troublemaker. If he can't start a fight at the strip club, he'll take a swing at a guy who spends all day with him trying to keep him straight.
Here's my plan for improving Pacman's image. Every day he gets to go to the strip club at two in the afternoon. If he's going to get violent, that's a good time for it. Anyone who's hitting the late buffet at the strip club and hanging out there in the middle of the afternoon probably deserves a good beating, anyway.
Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub is expected to play this week against the Dolphins. That's probably good news, since Reliant Stadium barely escaped damage in last week's historic Rosenfels collapse.
Think about it. Sage Rosenfels was three-and-a-half quarters into a game that could have earned him a starting job in the league. Instead, he'll go down as the second coming of Joe Pisarcik.
There's an article up on ESPN about the Dallas Cowboys "needing a reality check" because they only beat the Bengals by nine.
This is what happens when writers have to turn in a column, and there's no controversy. In the NFL, you win or you lose. As Bill Parcells said, "Your record is what it is." There's no style points. Beating someone, anyone by nine points is plenty.
I'm constantly amused by people who say "Jimmie Johnson wouldn't let that happen." Really? Like Jimmie wouldn't let his Cowboys lose to a last-place LA Rams team in 1992, when Dallas won their first Super Bowl? Or perhaps in 1993, when the Cowboys dropped a game to the 6-10 Falcons on the way to Super Bowl win number two?
Reality check? Reality, please. No one wins them all, even with Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and all the power of Bill Belicheck crack team of superspies working nonstop.
Really, 4-1 is 4-1. If you're having trouble finding controversies to write about, become a political writer, or investigate why my 401(k) account is shrinking like wet cotton candy.
Apparently they think he was using something then that they can only detect with modern technology, so they want to retest his sample.
See, this is a good reason why no one takes cycling seriously. Any activity that involves saving your own urine for nine years isn't a sport, it's a biohazard. Nobody's asking to check out Trent Dilfer crap from Super Bowl XXXV to make sure he was clean. Michael Jordan has more than his share of memorabilia, but nobody's keeping a sample of his piss, just in case.
It seems like we're on pace for one "shocker" every week this NFL season. First it was Miami over New England, then Kansas City beating Denver. Then Britney won a VMA, and Howie Mandel got to host the Emmys, and somebody greenlit a Bill Maher movie, and the next thing you know the whole financial system is crumbling around us. Hopefully this week, we'll get back to sanity.
Anyway, here goes for Week Five. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK FIVE:
Kansas City at Carolina - Tony Gonzalez is displeased with the Chiefs for not throwing him a three-yard pass at the end of the game to set a receiving record. When your team is so bad you can keep track of your own fantasy stats during the game, it might be time for a change. Pick: Panthers
San Diego at Miami - The Dolphins surprised New England with the Single-Wing offense for a win. This week, look for them to bring back the wishbone, the dropkick, the jump pass, and the single-bar helmet. Pick: Chargers
Seattle at NY Giants - For the purposes of discussion, let's just agree that chances are Plaxico Burress isn't a really good guy. The man has a name like an over-the-counter fluoride rinse, so he's probably had to deal with rage issues his whole life. Pick: Giants
Buffalo at Arizona - People keep pointing out this is Buffalo's first 4-0 start since 1992, like that's something they want to remember. That season didn't exactly end as well as Bills fans would hope. It's like reminding Tom Brady how well the Chiefs game was going right up until the point Bernard Pollard parked his helmet on Tom's knee. Pick: Cardinals
Cincinnati at Dallas - Carson Palmer says he'll be ready for the Cowboys, which based on what the Bengals have shown us this year is almost humorous to consider. Factoring in Palmer, Matt Leinart, and Matt Cassel, you have to figure USC quarterbacks are to NFL success as Dane Cook is to watchable movies. Pick: Cowboys
Tennessee at Baltimore - The Titans are the best team in eight years to not have a single marketable offensive star. Not since the 2000 Giants, also led by Kerry Collins, have we had a team simultaneously so good and so nondescript. If you were going to buy a Titans jersey, whose number would you get? Pick: Titans
Atlanta at Green Bay - Aaron Rodgers says he's going to play in this game, which will put him on pace to overcome Favre's record of consecutive starts as soon as the 2024 season rolls around. Pick: Packers
Chicago at Detroit - Without GM Matt Millen, Detroit will need to change the way they do things, beginning with selecting a new starting scapegoat. Pick: Lions
Indianapolis at Houston - The Texans already have that "New Orleans Saints in 2005" vibe to them, where we'll love them next year when we realize what they've already had to overcome since they're completely screwed this year. Pick: Colts
Also I'll take New England over the Niners, Jags over Steelers, Vikings over Saints, Eagles over Skins, and the Broncos over the Bucs.
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It's apparently election time around here, judging from the fact that when I drove through my neighbor's yard on my way to my driveway late last night, I wound up pulling a couple of brightly colored signs out of my hubcaps. I'm not political, but if there were a candidate who ran on a platform of ball control offenses, all out Buddy Ryan-style blitzes, and mandatory endzone celebrations, I'd sign up in a heartbeat.
Dallas at NY Giants - Jerry Jones says he thinks Brad Johnson is the team's best option for Sunday. There's a ringing endorsement. Jones also said Brad Johnson had "a great personality," and he was a "fantastic cook." Your weekly update on things younger than Brad Johnson include Snoop Dogg, the Manson Family killings, and "All My Children."
