1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
NFL Picks: Black & Blue Friday
I've made my picks under duress this week, as this year for the first time in my life, I got up early enough and spent my groggy morning hours searching for bargains amongst the maddened throng on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Full details on the PopCast.
After Thanksgiving, I am 2-1 for the week. For future reference, the Lions are utterly predictable, and the Eagles are not. Anyway, here are the rest of my NFL picks for week thirteen. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man, and these should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK THIRTEEN (pt. 2)
Miami at St. Louis - When I heard Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter was fined by the NFL for trashtalking, I couldn't help but think of the reason Dutch gave Ronnie for his arrest on the last episode of "The Shield." "The reason? How about the last three years?" Pick: Dolphins
NY Giants at Washington - If you're expecting jokes about Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg with his own gun, forget it. I'm a professional. I don't do the easy ones. Pick: Giants
Atlanta at San Diego - The road seems to be clear for Michael Vick to be released from prison, thus allowing his career path to continue along the same arc as Damon Wayans in "The Last Boy Scout." Pick: Falcons
Kansas City at Oakland - If Larry Johnson is eventually found guilty, his attorneys can use this game as "time served." Pick: Kansas City
Jacksonville at Houston - When the 4-7 Jags meet the 4-7 Texans on Monday Night, Hank Williams Jr. isn't even ready for that kind of football. Pick: Texans
Also, I'll take the Jets over Broncos, Vikes over Bears, Steelers over Pats, Colts over Browns, Packers over Panthers, Saints over Bucs, Ravens over Bengals, my beloved Bills over the Niners, Brady Quinn's future over Derek Anderson's, Eli Manning's aim over Plaxico Burress', and the Nintendo Wii over actual exercise.
Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, whatever that means. I figured it would be best to go ahead and post my picks now before slumping into a turkey-and-Detroit Lions-induced coma. I'll be back with the full week tomorrow.
WEEK THIRTEEN:
Tennessee at Detroit - It may be time to discuss taking the Thanksgiving Day game away from the Lions. With the auto industry in the toilet, the last thing Detroit needs is to get a case of awful-football-induced indigestion Thanksgiving and miss the big sales on Friday. It's bad for the economy. Pick: Titans
Seattle at Dallas - Expect Pacman Jones to try and gain favor by making a large holiday charity donation to some unwed mothers, all in one-dollar bills. Pick: Cowboys
Arizona at Philadelphia - The Eagles have now officially crossed over from the "What's going on over there?" category into full-on "Like watching a greasefire in a trailerhouse" mode. Pick: Cardinals
Cleveland Browns general manager Phil Savage apparently responded to a fan's email with "F@%k you" this week. Think about it. He was reduced to simple profanity after a Browns win. If Buffalo had won, there's a chance Savage might have been so overcome he would have just faxed the fan a picture of his middle finger.
Aaron Calafato correctly points out that Savage should, at the very least, have someone sorting his email for him. This is further evidence of Savage's attention to detail as a general manager. Apparently, whoever is in charge of that was traded for a mail room employee to be named later.
As a guy who's on television every couple of minutes, I have my fair share of people who like to take shots at me. Anyone who writes on the internet has the same problem, there are just some people out there who are born to troll and try and make fun of people who are doing better than they are.
I mean, look at this one. I get people who do nothing but get angry at my hair, for some reason. Somehow, I find the common sense to let this slide most of the time.
When people rip you, you have to have enough self-confidence to ignore them. You have to be able to say "I write for the Examiner and this guy doesn't," or "I work on television and this person can't even spell his insults properly."
Or, you know, something like "I am the general manager for an honest-to-God NFL team, and I have one of the only thirty-two of these jobs in the world. I shouldn't be driven to profanity by an angry emailer who has no life and only exists on a diet of ballpark franks and cheese."
So I'm thinking maybe I should get myself one of those Sasha Fierce/Chris Gaines alter egos. It seems to be working out for Beyonce although as far as I can tell, Sasha Fierce is just Beyonce with more wind machines on stage blowing her hair around. I think I'll be Rock McJohnson. Or perhaps Blain Thunderwood. I wonder how would "Rip Stalwart" would look on a byline.
On to the picks. It was another good week for me, I went 12-3 with one tie which not even Donovan McNabb can explain. I guess for the Bengals, the first step in winning is to learn how not to lose. They've got that down.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week eleven. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man. Did I mention I'm 25-4-1 over the past two weeks? Even though I could get a payday off of a parking meter right now, these should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK TWELVE:
Buffalo at Kansas City - Blaming the Bills loss to Cleveland on a last-minute missed field goal and ignoring Trent Edwards throwing three interceptions on his first six passes is like complaining about having a flat tire when your car is on fire. Pick: Bills
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh - Here's the difference in these two franchises, last week Cincinnati couldn't get a single point in the last forty minutes of the game to get a win. Pittsburgh could actually give away a touchdown in regulation and still have enough points for a W. Pick: Steelers
San Francisco at Dallas - Pacman Jones is back with Dallas, but the Cowboys are not providing him with bodyguards any longer. Appropriately, security at Dallas strip clubs is now at DEFCON 1 level. Pick: Cowboys
Minnesota at Jacksonville - Alleged Jaguars receiver Troy Williamson said he'd like to "duke it out" with Vikings coach Brad Childress after Childress traded the former first-rounder for a sixth round pick and a bag of dirt. I hate to break it to Troy, but NFL coaches aren't really interested in your right jab or how you perform in the octagon. Your whopping four catches this season aren't exactly going to show him the error of his ways. Pick: Jags
NY Giants at Arizona - The Cardinals have benched Edgerrin James, and also declined to release him. I guess the next step is to bring in Louis Gossett Jr. to scream at him until he quits. Pick: Giants
Oakland at Denver - Oakland has gone 180 plays without an offensive touchdown. In his defense, Al Davis has also gone fifty days without getting a grievance filed by a fired coach who accuses Al of shorting his contract. Pick: Broncos
Philadelphia at Baltimore - Donovan McNabb did not know that NFL games could end in ties. He also doesn't know you can defer the coin flip, dropkick the ball, or file a restraining order against Ray Lewis. Pick: Ravens
Washington at Seattle - This isn't exactly the final ride to glory that Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren was hoping for. "ER" is even having a better final season than Holmgren, and nobody's watched that in five years. Pick: Redskins
Chicago at St. Louis - Marc Bulger and the Rams have said they want interim coach Jim Haslett back next season. Bulger's 8 interceptions and 7 touchdowns kind of makes this the NFL's version of the "Ralph Nader endorsement." Pick: Bears
Tampa Bay at Detroit - The Lions are 0-10, their worst start since 2001 when they began 0-12. See, that's how bad the Lions have been. They can drop ten straight games, and it's not even their worst team in the last Presidential administration. Pick: Bucs
New England at Miami - Anyone who thought prior to the season that Miami would be favored in this game is either insane, or lost in time like that "Life On Mars" guy. Pick: Patriots
Also, I'll take the Falcons over Panthers, Chargers over Colts, Saints over Packers, Browns over Texans, the Jets to finally beat the Titans, Oklahoma over Texas Tech, "The Shield" over any other cop drama, and being Al Pacino over being named "Dalcapone Alpaccino."
The Buffalo Bills lost to Cleveland Monday night on a missed field goal, and suddenly the irony police come out in such full force, you would have though that it rained on Alanis Morissette's wedding day.
Yes, Buffalo missed a game winning field goal, and yes, it was wide right. That's not some kind of celestial joke, its a coincidence, and not a very good one.
Logically speaking, there's only two ways to miss a field goal if you kick it far enough. If you miss a field goal from that distance, the odds are probably about 50% it went wide right. It's not exactly like hitting the lottery, it's more like finding out that Christian Slater TV show got cancelled.
There's no divine interference in play here. It was only a matter of time before it happened.
I was dreaming when I wrote this, forgive me if it goes astray. My picks for this week may be a bit off, I had to go to a mall this week. Nothing makes you feel older than seeing a mainstay of the 80s warped into a shrine to unintentional humor. You can check that out here.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week eleven. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and in spite of my momentous 13-1 week last week, they should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Although if I was a betting man, I'd wager my house right now. Seriously. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK ELEVEN:
NY Jets at New England - Due to a scheduling conflict, somehow I've already missed this one. Pick: Patriots, because I'm too stupid to lie.
Denver at Atlanta - Wasn't this a Super Bowl once? Yeah, I don't remember either. Pick: Falcons
Houston at Indianapolis - Sage Rosenfels, Pro Bowl quarterback or legendary Jewish cowboy? Pick: Colts
Oakland at Miami - Last week the Raiders fumbled the opening kickoff, then somehow things got worse. Oakland became the second team since the merger to get four interceptions in a game and still find a way to lose. The slogan "Commitment To Excellence" is now as inappropriate as Al Davis' collection of black track suits. Pick: Dolphins
Detroit at Carolina - The Daunte Culpepper story is just fascinating. A guy who was out of football two months ago gets the call, comes back to the league, and steps right into a starting job, where he's leads his awful team right to the bottom of the league. For the big Disney ending, the credits will have to roll right as he jogs out onto the field to take his first snap for the Lions. Pick: Panthers
Philadelphia at Cincinnati - Chad Ocho Cinco Johnson Mellancamp says a talk with Eagles QB Donovan McNabb before the season helped him turn things around. Let's see, this year he had 312 yards and two touchdowns in the first half of the season. That's turning it around all right. Did McNabb give the auto industry a pep talk, too? Pick: Eagles
Chicago at Green Bay - With a Green Bay win and a Vikings loss, this entire division will be .500. Except for Detroit of course, but I think they're only provisional members at this point. Pick: Packers
New Orleans at Kansas City - This is one I'd love to pick for an upset, but I just can't do it. Kansas City couldn't make the Big 12 Championship at this point. Pick: Saints
St. Louis at San Francisco - It really seems like Mike Martz and Mike Singletary are reenacting one of those 80's buddy-cop movies, where the two total opposites who can't stand each other are thrown together and wind up solving crimes. Pick: 49ers
Arizona at Seattle - Kurt Warner has had a career that would give most people motion sickness. It's good he's religious, because leading the Rams to a Super Bowl and the Cardinals to a playoff win in the same career would put him on the fast track to sainthood. Pick: Cardinals
Dallas at Washington - Tony Romo is not only the returning hero for Dallas, he's also the last great excuse. This game will be remembered as either be the moment it all came together, or the moment the Cowboys started deciding who'd be on next year's roster. Pick: Cowboys
Cleveland at Buffalo - As the perfectly-haired Aaron Catalfalo points out, the current controversy around the Browns is whether or not they quit last week. It's an interesting question. As a coach, would you rather admit your team quit (which is fixable), or admit your team sucks (which isn't)? Pick: Bills
Also, I'll pick the Jags over the Titans but I'm not sure why, Bucs over Vikings, Giants over the Ravens, the Steelers over the Chargers, "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia" over "Pushing Daisies," Shania Twain speaking over Shania Twain singing, and Vic Mackey over Shane Vendrell.
Kansas City Chiefs running back Larry Johnson is being sued by a woman who claims he spit a drink in her face at a bar and threatened to kill her and her boyfriend.
According to the woman, LJ tried to buy her a drink but she declined. Then a week later, LJ told her he was going to kill her and her boyfriend, then spit in her face. This is the fourth time in five years that Johnson has been accused of assaulting a woman.
I've really got to feel for Larry here. He's one of the best running backs in the league, and he can't even get a girl to sit beside him in a bar. Of course, building a reputation as a vengeful spitter with a long memory probably doesn't help.
You know, most guys go to a bar, talk to some girls, get turned down and go home to watch Cinemax and pass out. Our upstanding citizen LJ gets dissed at the bar, loses his mind, gets deactivated for four games and screws up fantasy football leagues worldwide.
Legally speaking, at this point the Chiefs could be selling #27 jerseys that say "Idiot" on the back.
We resoundingly moved towards change this week. The Raiders dumped a Pro Bowler, the Browns switched quarterbacks, and the Cowboys realized that their line of succession needs a lot of work.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week ten. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK TEN:
Denver at Cleveland - Browns coach Romeo Crennel said that the switch to Brady Quinn and quarterback wasn't brought on by the fans. I believe him. You don't need to check the approval polls when your starting quarterback has a rating below room temperature. Pick: Broncos
New Orleans at Atlanta - I think the emergence of Matt Ryan as Falcons quarterback is the feel-good story of the year, because now Falcons fans won't ever have to talk about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named again. Pick: Falcons
Tennessee at Chicago - I view the Titans being undefeated in the same way I view an MP3 player. I certainly can't explain how it works, but it sure makes things more interesting. Pick: Titans
Jacksonville at Detroit - The Jags have suspended linebacker Mike Peterson for excessive celebration in last week's game. The Lions don't even have any idea what that is. Pick: Jags
Baltimore at Houston - I was reading the rundown on this game, and I realized I have no idea who Joe Flacco is. He was in "Casino," right? Pick: Ravens
San Francisco at Arizona - If I gave the NFL more than a billion dollars for Monday Night Football and got this matchup, I'd be checking my old pants pockets for the receipt. Pick: Cardinals
Carolina at Oakland - DeAngelo Hall made about eight million dollars for his eight games with Oakland this season. Nice to know somebody was enjoying the games, at least. Pick: Panthers
Indianapolis at Pittsburgh - Have you noticed the Colts slow start has greatly reduced the number of Peyton Manning TV commercials? See, there's a bright side to everything. Pick: Steelers
Kansas City at San Diego - I heard a fantasy football expert saying LaDainian Tomlinson was a good pick against the Chiefs. No kidding. I'd think pretty much any biped would have a good day against the Chiefs. Pick: Chargers
NY Giants at Philadelphia - The Giants beating Dallas last week was so complete it was almost joyless. Beating the Cowboys now is like sleeping with Farrah Fawcett, it's just not as big of an accomplishment as it used to be. Pick: Giants
Also, I'll pick the Dolphins over the Seahawks, Vikes over Packers, Pats over my beloved Bills, Jets over the Rams, the continent of Africa over the country of Africa, "30 Rock" over "Kath and Kim," common sense over Ryan Leaf, and Heidi Klum's Guitar Hero commercial over Kobe Bryant's.
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I've made my picks under duress this week, as this year for the first time in my life, I got up early enough and spent my groggy morning hours searching for bargains amongst the maddened throng on Thanksgiving and Black Friday. Full details on the PopCast.
NY Giants at Washington - If you're expecting jokes about Plaxico Burress shooting himself in the leg with his own gun, forget it. I'm a professional. I don't do the easy ones.
