Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Super Bowl XLII Timeline: NY Giants 17, New England Patriots 14

Our official Super Bowl XLII Timeline: Eli's Comin'

Sunday, January 27, 5:30pm - The New England Patriots defeat the San Diego Chargers to advance to the Super Bowl, and continue their undefeated season. Bookies make the Patriots fourteen-point favorites to win the Super Bowl.

8:30pm - The New York Giants defeat Green Bay in overtime, earning the NFC Championship as a Wild Card team. Oddsmakers adjust, making the Patriots six-hundred-point favorites to win the Super Bowl.

Tuesday, January 29 - Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is seen in New York, visiting his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen. On the way, he stops and buys a winning lottery ticket, finds a rare coin in his pocket, and strikes oil in her front yard.

Friday, February 1 - Patriots coach Bill Belichick stops off at Fotomat to pick up his pictures, then by force of habit takes the photos of six other people home with him.

Saturday, February 2 - Mercury Morris, member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins team, admits he's rooting for the Giants. He also admits he'd like a shot at Bundchen, if that doesn't work out for Brady.

Sunday, February 3, 5:00pm - The Super Bowl coverage begins, live from University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. The irony here is that the University of Phoenix doesn't even have a football team, and yet they can get closer to a Super Bowl than the Arizona Cardinals.

5:10pm - The Giants take the field, accompanied by a video package entitled "Resiliency."

5:15pm - The Patriots take the field, accompanied by a video package entitled "The Importance of Beating The Point Spread."

5:18pm - American Idol winner Jordin Sparks lip-synchs the heck out of the national anthem.

5:25pm - In a surprise standout defensive performance, the Giants keep the Patriots from scoring during the opening coin flip.

5:30pm - The game officially begins, brought to you by beer, trucks, and commercials containing the only new writing on television in the last six months.

5:44pm - The Giants score a field goal on their opening possession. We celebrate with a Diet Pepsi Max commercial based on a twelve year-old Saturday Night Live skit. Forget what I just said about new writing for the commercials.

6:02pm - Lawrence Maroney scores, giving the Patriots the lead. Fans everywhere assume we're seeing the start of an onslaught of points. Unfortunately, they also assume the new season of "Lost" will clear everything up.

6:08pm - In a marketing tie-in, Tom Brady appears on American Idol, where he brings Simon to tears with a perfect rendition of "I Will Always Love You."

6:10pm - The Giants get a big catch from Amani Toomer, a receiver whose name sounds like a well-dressed polyp.

6:11pm - The Giants get a delay of game penalty. In a commercial, Peyton Manning yells at his brother Eli.

6:13pm - The Patriots go three-and-out, and have to call a time-out to see if they remembered to pack a punter.

6:54pm - Halftime, Patriots lead 7-3. Anyone who bet the "under" is very happy.

7:01pm - The Fox halftime hosts tell us to go to our computers and vote on whether or not we think the Patriots are the greatest dynasty ever. Considering the outcome of the game is still very much in doubt, that seems a bit premature. That's like asking if that's the best burger you've ever eaten while you're still sitting in the drive-through lane.

7:05pm - The halftime show begins, with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers performing. They lead with "American Girl," from their 1976 debut album. It's always good to open a show at a sporting event with a song so old, some of the players might have been conceived to it.

7:06pm - Bill Belichick sends an assistant coach to videotape Tom Petty's performance, just in case.

7:25pm - The second half begins, brought to you by punters, animated bugs, and killer robots from the future.

7:35pm - Belichick challenges a call, saying the Giants had twelve men on the field. For further evidence, he shows the refs the footage shot by his hidden cameraman.

8:01pm - The third quarter ends with no score, leaving us with either the tightest, most thrilling Super Bowl ever, or a game with less offense than France in a major conflict.

8:04pm - Fittingly, the fourth quarter begins with a punt. In a commercial, a Terminator unit from the future informs Sarah Conner that this Super Bowl is the beginning of the end.

8:08pm - A camera shot shows injured tight end Jeremy Shockey in the crowd, watching his Giants and drinking beer. This leads to the question "If you're on the team and injured, how big of a jackass do you have to be to not even be invited onto the field?"

8:11pm - The Giants throw a touchdown pass, breaking what feels like a week and a half drought since our last points. Our long national nightmare is over.

8:12pm - Somewhere in a darkened nightclub, Pacman Jones celebrates by punching a stripper in the face.

8:23pm - An on-screen graphic indicates both quarterbacks have a QB rating of right around 77. That's always something you want in the biggest game of the year, two guys running right about room temperature.

8:39pm - Brady hits Randy Moss for the go-ahead touchdown, reminding us all that "Hey, Randy Moss plays for the Patriots!"

8:56pm - Eli Manning throws a touchdown pass to give the Giants the lead. Brother Peyton pumps his fist, and promises to honor his brother in yet another series of television commercials.

9:03pm - A final heave for the Patriots is tipped away, and the Giants win 17-14. Bill Belichick leaves the field with one second remaining on the clock. The perfect season is broken, and somewhere, Miami Dolphins fans are happy for the first time in more than twenty years.

Super Bowl XLI: Indianapolis Colts 29, Chicago Bears 17

Your official Super Bowl XLI timeline: Manning Up

1:00pm - The pregame for Super Bowl XLI begins, brought to you by Chrysler, a CBS show that won't last long, and yet another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all of the characters.

1:01pm - CBS analysts reveal the gametime forecast for Miami calls for "intermittent showers". "Intermittent" in this case meaning more like "begin assembling two of each animal."

2:31pm - A pregame feature on the quarterbacks of Super Bowl XLI shows that at his current pace, Colts QB Peyton Manning will reach the NFL Hall of Fame. Conversely, Bears QB Rex Grossman is currently on pace to have a lousy day, miss the playoffs next year, and be out of football and working at a Hardee's in Jackson, Tennessee by 2009.

2:48pm - Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, who was arrested during the season for having six unlicensed handguns and more than 500 rounds of ammunition, begins his two-hour trip through security.

3:15pm - Former Colts running back Edgerrin James does a pregame interview where he says he's happy for his former teammates, then weeps quietly into his perpetually 5-and-11 official Arizona Cardinals crying towel.

3:48pm - The festivities begin on the field, introduced by Gloria Estefan. As far as Miami cultural icons go, she's right up there with Dan Marino, Elian Gonzalez, and Al Pacino in "Scarface".

5:17pm - New York's piano man Billy Joel sings the national anthem, proving my earlier point about Miami not having any icons.

5:27pm - On the opening kickoff, Bears rookie Devin Hester returns the kick for a touchdown. Tony Dungy becomes the first black coach ever in the Super Bowl to bite through his own tongue.

5:31pm - Miami Police detain Tank Johnson during his player introduction.

5:34pm - CBS analyst Phil Simms gives his keys to the game. Surprisingly, one of them is "Don't kick the ball to Devin Hester, because he'll run it back for a touchdown."

5:36pm - Colts QB Peyton Manning throws a pass that's intercepted.

5:39pm - Bears QB Rex Grossman throws a pass that's almost intercepted, leading analysts to point out that Manning is far more accurate with his throws.

5:43pm - Phil Simms uses the telestrator to show how Chicago is trying to deny Peyton Manning the long pass. The Bears are lining up their safeties deep, one in the end zone and the other lined up six rows deep in the stands shielded by a beer vendor.

5:47pm - Peyton Manning throws a 53 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne.

5:49pm - In a marketing tie-in, the Colts elect to Fed Ex the ball to the Bears, rather than kick off.

5:52pm - Thomas Jones runs for 52 yards to set up a touchdown for Chicago.

5:56pm - A new ad campaign for Snickers tells you it's okay for a man to kiss another man for a Snickers bar. It sure seems to be an ad for homosexual prostitution, and not so much for the candy.

6:04pm - The Colts recover the fourth turnover of the quarter. It appears to be raining butter in Miami, from the way they're dropping the ball.

6:32pm - CBS's Jim Nantz mentions flunking out of meteorology school, to which Phil Simms replies, "You should have given the teacher an apple to get her to pass you." Millions of Americans start to wonder what the Hell decade Phil Simms grew up in, since nobody's brought their teacher an apple since "Leave It To Beaver" went off the air.

6:50pm - The Colts fumble again. Not to be outdone, the Bears regift the ball back on the next play.

6:56pm - Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal, sending us to halftime with Indianapolis up 16-14.

7:06pm - The Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show begins, brought to you by Pepsi, the NFL Network, and Prince's hair wrap.

7:07pm - Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his "Purple Rain" soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.

7:13pm - The halftime show features Prince playing songs by Prince, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, and the Foo Fighters. Is this Prince, or Stars on 45?

7:21pm - Millions of sports fans wonder why if Prince and his dancers can perform on a wet stage in high heels without slipping, their team just can't hang on to the damn ball.

7:47pm - Rex Grossman falls down in the backfield for a sack, then fumbles the next snap. The Bears take second down and one, and turn it into fourth down and twelve, thus proving the old adage, "When life gives you crap, make crap-ade out of it."

7:59pm - Kevin Federline appears in the most memorable commercial of the night, for something or other.

8:21pm - Rex Grossman makes the worst pass in a Super Bowl since Steven Tyler tried to pick up Britney Spears at halftime of Super Bowl XXXV. The Colts score.

8:31pm - With the lead 29-17 for Indianapolis, Rex Grossman responds to the pressure by finding an open receiver deep, then throwing a pass so high it wounds a bird. The Colts can't help but make an interception.

8:46pm - The Bears fail to complete a fourth down situation, thus ending the competitive portion of our game.

8:58pm - Colts win, 29-17. Peyton Manning is MVP of the game, his team, and the Manning family.

Super Bowl XL Timeline: Pittsburgh Steelers 21, Seattle Seahawks 10

Super Bowl XL Timeline: Pitt Crew

March 23, 1867 - Super Bowl XL halftime performer Keith Richards is born.

January 22, 2006 - Pittsburgh and Seattle win their Championship Games, earning a trip to Super Bowl XL at Detroit's Ford Field.

January 23 - Ford Motor Co. announces the layoff of 25,000 employees in honor of the big event.

January 30 - Detroit is named America's "Poorest Big City." The Detroit Chamber of Commerce commits hari kari.

1:30pm, February 5 - The pregame begins for Super Bowl XL, brought to you by Blockbuster, Tostitos, and Stevie Wonder's dreams of universal peace.

2:45pm - ESPN reports Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's comments from eariler this week about Terrell Owens, likening TO's actions to "black-on-black crime." ESPN then goes to their expert on black-on-black crime, Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.

3:52pm - Tom Jackson does a pregame story on Jerome Bettis' rough childhood in Detroit. The background footage used in the story makes it look like they're holding the Super Bowl in 8 Mile.

4:34pm - While talking about the rise of the Seahawks, Steve Young points out that five years ago, you never would have expected Seattle and Pittsburgh to be playing in the Super Bowl. He is correct, since five years ago Seattle and Pittsburgh were both in the AFC.

5:05pm - We are welcomed to Super Bowl XL by all of the previous Super Bowl MVPs, Harrison Ford, and Dr. Seuss.

5:06pm - All over America, dumb guys at parties start talking about how cool next year's "Super Bowl XXL" will be.

5:08pm - McDonald's has a commercial where a giant hamster is talking to Ronald McDonald. I didn't get the exact point of the ad, but I feel a strange craving for a McRib.

5:10pm - Energy drink "Full Throttle" unveils their new marketing campaign, including the slogan "Let Your Man Out." The fine print on the ad cautions that doing so may result in a jail stay, and registration as a sex offender.

5:18pm - The National Anthem is played, featuring Aretha Franklin singing while wearing a coat that looks like she's had a sled dog team put to death.

5:27pm - The kickoff begins Super Bowl XL.

5:36pm - In a marketing tie-in, Matt Hasselbeck completes a fifteen yard pass to the Burger King.

5:55pm - Seahawks receiver Darrell Jackson catches his fifth pass of the first quarter, tying with Buffalo's Andre Reed. No one points out that matching the Super Bowl accomplishments of the Buffalo Bills is not historically a good thing.

5:56pm - As if to prove my point, Jackson catches a touchdown pass in the end zone, which is called back because of an interference penalty against him.

6:07pm - Trailing 3-0, Pittsburgh punts again, ending their third straight possession going three-and-out. Trash-talking Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens takes advantage of the opportunity by dropping a wide open deep pass.

6:34pm - Pittsburgh completes a pass for a first down on 3rd and 28, which is quite surprising because usually that only happens against Green Bay.

6:40pm - Roethlisberger's dive to the goal line appears to score a touchdown for Pittsburgh. Al Michaels is so excited to finally see some points, he completely forgets the rules of instant replay.

6:43pm - The play stands, Pittsburgh takes the lead, and Seahawks fans begin to get really sick of those gold towels.

6:53pm - Matt Hasselbeck completes his second straight pass out of bounds, including one in the end zone.

6:54pm - Seattle misses a field goal. In anger, Hasselbeck throws his helmet at the ground, missing by four yards.

6:55pm - Halftime at the Super Bowl, Pittsburgh leads Seattle 7-3. Analyst Tom Jackson says the Seahawks have to feel good, since they took some of the swagger away from the Steelers. Strangely enough, his assurance, coupled with the fact that they've had two touchdown passes called back and a missed field goal does not make Seahawks fans very jovial.

7:06pm - The Rolling Stones perform. At the sight of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Stones fans in the audience start throwing their support hose and Depends undergarments on stage.

7:17pm - The Minnesota Vikings party barge arrives to the game an hour late, and completely lacking any pants.

7:19pm - The Rolling Stones finish their set, brought to you by Viagra, Geritol, and every Stones album in the last twenty years that no one remembers.

7:32pm - "Fast Willie" Parker goes for 75 yards and a touchdown. Guys everywhere giggle at the fact that "Fast Willie Parker" would make an excellent name for an adult film star.

7:36pm - Seattle running back Max Strong carries the ball. Guys everywhere keep giggling.

7:41pm - Just to stay in practice, Seattle misses another field goal.

7:54pm - In a stunner, Jerramy Stevens breaks his string of three consecutive pass drops and catches a touchdown.

8:22pm - Matt Hasselbeck is picked off by Ike Taylor inside the Pittsburgh ten, and then is called for a fifteen yard penalty on the return. To make matters worse, when he reaches the sideline he realizes Taylor also swiped his wallet, and hacked into his MySpace account to make "Brokeback Mountain" his favorite movie.

8:40pm - The Steelers throw a reverse pass from Roethlisberger to Antwan Randle El to Hines Ward for a touchdown. Cleveland Browns fans complain that the Steelers have two wide receivers who can throw touchdown passes, and yet they haven't had a quarterback since Bernie Kosar left.

8:45pm - Matt Hasselbeck nearly turns the game around by making a hard tackle and causing a fumble on himself.

9:02pm - Super Bowl XL ends with the only constant in the game, a dropped pass from Jerramy Stevens. Pittsburgh wins their fifth Super Bowl. Hometown hero Jerome Bettis announces his retirement on the podium after the game, and thousands of Detroit fans make plans to drive to Pittsburgh for the victory parade, since they no longer have jobs to worry about missing.

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Headlines At The Fistful Of Sports:
- Al Michaels, John Madden To Divorce
- Survey: Mick Jagger Singing Satisfaction "Creepy"
- Stevie Wonder Under Impression He Was Playing At Grammys
- Ceremonial SBXL Coin Used To Buy Ceremonial Dr. Pepper
- Mike Holmgren: "I Am The Eggman"

Super Bowl XXXIX Timeline: New England Patriots 24, Philadelphia Eagles 21

Our Super Bowl XXXIX Timeline: Growing Up Brady

February 6, 2005, 9:00am Central Standard Time - Sports fans worldwide wake up, and check the internet to make sure no player has been arrested for solicitation, has gone AWOL across the border into Mexico, or has locked themselves in a hotel room with a buffet table full of crack. They are pleasantly surprised, and begin to make breakfast.

12:00pm - In an effort to avoid upsetting anyone, Fox's "Best Damn Sports Show" becomes the "Best Darn Super Bowl Pregame." Also, Tom Arnold is replaced with a cute, computer-generated possum.

12:10pm - The Terrell Owens watch officially begins. It is revealed Owens has brought in his personal doctor, chiropractor, therapist, hyperbaric chamber, voodoo chieftain, acupuncturist, tribal shaman, horn section, and faith healer.

1:04pm - Fox Sports' James Brown says Philadelphia is synonymous with the movie "Rocky," leaving out the obvious connection that Rocky actually lost his big fight.

1:30pm - A feature airs on the city of Jacksonville, which bears the slogan "Jacksonville...The Other Other Other City In Florida."

1:20pm - Fox provides a security overview in Jacksonville, which includes full land, air, and sea coverage. Any plane venturing within fifty miles of Alltel Stadium will be warned once to change course, then shot down as part of the
halftime show.

4:30pm - The annual unnecessary pregame music begins, with
Gretchen Wilson singing her song about being an easy girl from the country. Security issues have apparently kept the crowd on the field down to a few dozen.

4:45pm - Country music legend Charlie Daniels performs "The Devil Went Down To Georgia." When he arrives at the lyric, "I done told you once, you son of a..." he is tackled and detained by outgoing FCC chairman Michael Powell.

4:55pm - Security detains and questions Wilson, several Black Eyed Peas, and Wind from Earth, Wind, and Fire.

5:27pm - Michael Douglas introduces former Presidents Bush and Clinton.

5:28pm - Comedians everywhere begin to produce routines about Clinton asking Douglas about Catherine Zeta-Jones.

5:37pm - Patriot Troy Brown, who will play offense, defense, and special teams, is also the designated interview before the game.

5:38pm - The opening kickoff of Super Bowl XXXIX is returned by the Eagles to the thirty-nine yard line.

5:40pm - Terrell Owens makes his first catch, and follows it with his first shove of a defender out of bounds.

5:41pm - Donovan McNabb avoids a sack, but fumbles the ball away to the Patriots. The Eagles challenge the call.

5:44pm - In a FOX marketing tie-in, American Idol judge Simon Cowell overturns the fumble.

5:46pm - Troy Brown returns a punt for the Patriots.

5:50pm - A commercial airs for LeBron James' new gum, "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade," followed by a promo about Paul McCartney's halftime performence being brought to you by a mortgage company. Marketing has become simple in 2005.

6:04pm - Troy Brown mixes up the Gatorade on the sidelines for the Patriots.

6:11pm - Donovan McNabb throws an interception, which is erased because of a penalty.

6:14pm - On the next play, Donovan McNabb shows his versatility by throwing another interception to the other side of the field.

6:18pm - The Eagles defense responds by forcing the Patriots to go three and out.

6:21pm - The Eagles offense responds by fumbling again.

6:33pm - After a scoreless first quarter, McNabb completes a touchdown pass to L.J. Smith. Eagles lead 7-0.

6:40pm - A Patriots drive is stalled by what could have been a fumble, or a downed player, or something. The refs don't seem to know, and refuse to blow the whistle until the whole thing winds up in a fistfight on the sidelines.

6:45pm - The Patriots protest the fumble call. Simon Cowell overturns the call, then tells Bill Belichick that he's dressed like a vagrant.

6:46pm - Corey Dillon goes on a tremendous twenty-five yard run where he drags several defenders most of the way. Joe Buck quotes from Confucious, "There is no man so desperate as one who has toiled for the Bengals."

6:48pm - Tom Brady fumbles the ball in the backfield. Just like Joe Montana would have, Cris Collinsworth points out.

6:55pm - Troy Brown makes a catch inside the ten yard-line for the Patriots, setting up a game-tying touchdown. Brown then snaps the extra point and retrieves the ball out of the crowd for the refs.

7:14pm - The Super Bowl goes to halftime, score tied at seven, with Paul McCartney scheduled to appear next. People who bet the "under" on points, or nipples, are happy.

7:20pm - McCartney begins his performance. Parents everywhere begin explaining who he is to their children.

7:24pm - The halftime show borders on saucy, as McCartney removes his sport jacket.

7:27pm - Somewhere in California, Latoya Jackson wonders why no one ever asks to see her nipples.

7:30pm - During halftime, Troy Brown takes a moment to negotiate a settlement in the NHL lockout.

7:47pm - The second half begins, brought to you by P Diddy's truck, patriotic alcohol suppliers, and people who work with monkeys.

8:11pm - Inspired by a sideline pep talk and soup break from Donovan McNabb's mom, the Eagles tie the score at fourteen with a touchdown pass to Brian Westbrook.

8:17pm - Troy Brown is called for offsides. He marks the penalty yardage off himself.

8:34pm - In Minnesota, Randy Moss leaves the Vikings Super Bowl party early.

8:58pm - Down by ten points with four minutes to go, the Philadelphia Eagles refuse to use a two-minute offense. They walk around, use the huddle, talk on their cell phones, and have some more Chunky Soup.

9:13pm - After an Eagles touchdown and a Patriot punt, Philadelphia takes over with 46 seconds remaining, down by three on their own four yard line.

9:15pm - Rodney Harrison picks off Donovan McNabb, which gives sportscasters everywhere the right to use the word "dynasty."

9:30pm - On a very special episode of "Desperate Housewives," Nicollete Sheridan snubs Terrell Owens and tries to seduce Bill Belichick.

Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline: New England Patriots 32, Carolina Panthers 29

Continuing our look back, today it's Super Bowl XXXVIII, a game sadly more remembered for its halftime show than the football game. Yes, a momentary glance of nipple overshadowed both the high-water mark for Carolina and the second step in the Patriots dynasty. Amazing things, those nipples.

Our Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline: Patriot Games

Sunday, February 1, 2004, 3:45pm - The retractable roof at Reliant Stadium is closed. The Houston forecast calls for a 30% chance of rain, and a 100% chance of industrial waste and pollution. Street vendors begin carving out chunks of the Houston air to sell on eBay.

3:30pm - The 989 video game representation of the Super Bowl suddenly grinds to a halt as broadcaster Cyber-Deion Sanders holds out for more money.

4:15pm - Two days after NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue promised to cut down on unsportsmanlike conduct in the league, CBS produces a two-minute special where they put Ty Law and Steve Smith in a room together and they do nothing but trash talk.

4:30pm - Patriots receiver Troy Brown is interviewed on the field, and he talks about how calm New England is before the game. Brown does this in spite of stuttering, shaking and generally fidgeting like a ferret on crystal meth.

4:45pm - Toby Keith and Willie Nelson perform in the pregame show, then immediately leave to go get some munchies.

4:50pm - Thanks to President Bush's new space plan, the members of Aerosmith are launched into orbit to fix the Mars Lander.

5:28pm - The Carolina Panthers win the coin toss. They choose to receive the ball and start the first fistfight of the game.

5:31pm - In a foreshadowing moment, the Carolina player introductions feature running back Stephen Davis walking at the camera, but not going anywhere.

5:33pm - Carolina makes the first punt of the game.

5:40pm - After a Patriots drive, Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal. An angry Don Cheadle heckles him in the next commercial break.

5:43pm - Jessica Simpson does a commercial with the Muppets. Boy, you know there was a rude awakening for her when she got on the set, don't you?

5:44pm - Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme is sacked. Louisiana is sad.

6:11pm - Six punts later, the first quarter ends. Carolina has less than twenty yards of total offense. The Reliant Stadium crowd, which paid an average of $350 per punt so far, is understandably antsy.

6:19pm - Carolina punts again. In a promotional tie-in, the cast of CSI is brought in to do an autopsy on the Panthers offense.

6:20pm - In an interesting twist, Pepsi chooses criminal children to endorse their new music download program. In a related story, AOL seems to be using extras from "Roadhouse" to push the speed of their internet service.

6:26pm - Adam Vinatieri misses another field goal. His attempt is too low and gets blocked.

6:33pm - Another Pizza Hut commercial airs, featuring the Muppets. All the characters want different toppings on their pizza, including some who want pepperoni. Miss Piggy dials 911.

6:37pm - While warming up on the sidelines, Adam Vinatieri misses the broad side of a barn.

6:40pm - Jake Delhomme is sacked and fumbles, giving the Patriots less than twenty yards to go for a touchdown. America sits on the edge of their seats and puts their upcoming bathroom break on hold.

6:46pm - New England scores the first points of the game with a touchdown pass to Deion Branch. Viewers high five each other, figuring they've seen all the points they're going to get in this game.

6:56pm - Samuel L. Jackson does a promotional spot for the NBA about Larry Bird. "You ever been to mother-@#%$^ing French Lick? Winners play on, @#%^er!"

7:02pm - Carolina caps a 95 yard drive with a touchdown pass to Steve Smith. Patriots cornerback Tyrone Poole is taken out of the play when he is run over by Robin Givens.

7:06pm - The Patriots throw a fifty-two yard pass to Deion Branch. In another CBS promotional tie-in, Tom Brady is protected in the pocket by the Survivor Immunity Necklace.

7:11pm - The Patriots score again, stunning Panthers fans and Vegas betters who took the under.

7:14pm - New England goes with a squib kick the Panthers return to midfield. CBS commentator Phil Simms rails against the call.

7:15pm - Carolina closes the half with a field goal. Phil Simms composes a haiku about how much he hates the squib kick.

Why make the squib kick?
How can Belicheck let the
Panthers right back in?

7:19pm - During the Monster.com Super Bowl halftime, Dan Marino considers putting his resume on the internet and backing out of the Dolphins front office job.

7:25pm - MTV presents the Super Bowl halftime show. The show is changed on the fly as five minutes into the program, the network's target audience shifts to a younger demographic.

7:27pm - P Diddy performs at halftime, which means he just plays a tape of last year's halftime show and shouts over it.

7:32pm - Janet Jackson sings "Rhythm Nation." Vegas oddsmakers install Rhythm Nation as four point favorites over Raider Nation.

7:38pm - The MTV halftime show closes with plenty of explosions, lip-synching, and gratuitous nudity.

7:39pm - CBS begins apologizing for the shot of Janet Jackson's right breast that concluded the halftime show. A CBS on-air graphic indicates 74% of the men in America have stopped taping the Super Bowl and have rewound the VCR to watch the end of the halftime show again.

7:43pm - The second half is delayed by an ill-timed streaker. When you're going to try and shock people with nudity, you shouldn't do it five minutes after Janet Jackson's right breast flops out on national TV. That's like bragging about finishing the TV Guide crossword puzzle while Jeopardy's Tournament of Champions is on.

7:46pm - The second half kicks off, sponsored by AOL, Viacom Breakaway Brassieres, and erectile dysfunction.

8:20pm - The third quarter ends with no scores. Both teams, apparently confused by a split-second of Janet Jackson's right breast, are stunned into complacency.

8:22pm - A commercial for the NFL Network catches Rich Eisen checking out what else is on TV.

8:25pm - Antowain Smith scores, giving New England a comfortable eleven point-lead. Boston sports fans begin comparing Tom Brady to Joe Montana.

8:33pm - DeShaun Foster makes a touchdown run. The defensive struggle is pretty much shot. People who took the under begin drinking heavily. The Panthers miss the two-point conversion.

8:45pm - Tom Brady throws an interception in the end zone. The Joe Montana comparisons momentarily stop.

8:53pm - Muhsin Muhammad makes an eighty-five yard touchdown catch, and the Patriots trail in a football game for the first time since the 1986 season. The Panthers miss the two-point conversion.

9:04pm - New England is penalized for illegal touching. Michael Jackson sympathizes.

9:09pm - New England throws a touchdown pass to Mike Vrabel. Just to add insult to injury, they make the two-point conversion.

9:18pm - Ricky Proehl catches the game-tying touchdown for Carolina, because that's what Ricky Proehl always does.

9:28pm - Adam Vinatieri lines up and hits a field goal with four seconds left to give New England a 32-29 lead.

9:31pm - The game ends, New England wins its second championship in three years. Tom Brady is selected as MVP. Boston sports fans pop open the champagne and begin celebrating their first ever football dynasty.

Monday, 9:38am - Boston sports fans go back to complaining about the Red Sox.

Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline: Tampa Bay Buccaneers 48, Oakland Raiders 21

It's hard to believe, but in 2003, the Oakland Raiders had the NFL MVP and played in the Super Bowl. That was back in the days when Raider Nation wouldn't have been underdogs to Rhythm Nation, but t still should count. This is also the Super Bowl that helped Jon Gruden keep a job for so long, and also probably contributed to getting him fired. Here's the timeline looking back at Super Bowl XXXVII.

Our Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline: Jolly Rogered

Wednesday - It is announced that due to security concerns, Super Bowl attendees will not be allowed to park in San Diego. They will have to leave their cars parked on the Baja Peninsula and walk across the border.

Thursday - A sweep of the Super Bowl results in the arrest and deportation of sixty-two illegal immigrants, five foreign nationals, and the cast of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period."

Saturday night, 8:30pm (Central Time) - Raiders coach Bill Callahan correctly identifies center Barret Robbins as "The Mole."

Super Bowl Sunday, January 26, 2003, 7:00am - Raider fans begin trying to pass through security. New rules state no weapons and nothing made of metal can be brought into the stadium. The check-point quickly resembles trying to run security at Thunderdome.

12:58pm - As their pregame show concludes, ESPN analysts give their picks. Sterling Sharpe predicts since the season had a record number of overtime games, this will be the first Super Bowl to go to OT. He picks Tampa Bay to win 13-9 in overtime. This is followed by a moment of stunned silence as everyone wonders how to win a game by four points in overtime.

12:59pm - Shannon Sharpe comes over to the ESPN set to make fun of his brother.

2:47pm - Magicians Penn & Teller are shown making their prediction for Super Bowl score and MVP, which will be suspended from a pole and guarded by U.S. Marines until after the game. Foreign countries watching the Super Bowl are puzzled at America's military strategy, which apparently involves dispatching armed troops to guard a pickle jar in Times Square.

4:58pm - Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr. ask us if we're ready for some football. By the way, Rock and Williams throw the second-least popular Super Bowl party, trailing only the annual "Ray Lewis Memorial Back Alley Bash."

5:01pm - Melissa Stark informs us that ABC has tracked down Raider center Barret Robbins' whereabouts to either a local hospital, a plane flight home, or "a city that starts with a 'B'."

5:03pm - Arnold Schwarzenegger provides a lame tie-in to the upcoming Terminator sequel. Not to be trivial here, but it just doesn't make any sense. Every time they send a cyborg back through time, the model looks ten years older than the last one. That's why the machines will never win, kids.

5:12pm - Celine Dion, a Canadian, sings "God Bless America." In other news, Lee Greenwood will be performing at this year's CFL Grey Cup.

5:26pm - Super Bowl XXXVII starts with the kickoff, brought to you by Pepsi, Ozzy Osbourne's family, and the letter "d".

5:33pm - Sebastian Janikowski's field goal gives the Raiders the first points of the ballgame.

5:35pm - Raider Nation is officially admitted to the United Nations.

5:36pm - At this point, Al Michaels has already used the words "obligatory," "alacrity," and "consternation." John Madden has used the words "whoomp," "clobber," and "whup."

5:45pm - Martin Gramatica ties the game with a field goal.

5:51pm - In a marketing tie-in, Rich Gannon is sacked by the Incredible Hulk.

6:05pm - Tampa Bay receives their first penalty. An on-screen graphic indicates this illegal shift was brought to you by Budweiser, The Matrix, and Rogaine.

6:18pm - Brad Johnson's thirty yard pass attempt to Keyshawn Johnson is knocked down by the no-fly zone.

6:19pm - Tampa Bay's second field goal makes it 6-3. Bettors who predicted a defensive struggle smile with much the same confidence of people in 2001 who had their life savings in Enron stock.

6:24pm - A commercial airs for next weekend's Pro Bowl and NHL All-Star game, neither of which will feature anyone from today's game.

6:25pm - In an attempt to jump-start their offense, Oakland goes to the no-huddle offense. An on-screen graphic indicates Oakland's lack of huddle is brought to you by Sierra Mist, Charlie's Angels, and long walks in the sunset.

6:40pm - Oakland has had the ball six times and only gained thirty yards. Raider Nation gets uppity.

6:57pm - Tampa Bay scores again, to make it 20-3. The Bucs number one defense looks as good as advertised. The Raiders number one offense, however, looks like Number Two.

7:02pm - The first half ends. MVP Rich Gannon has thrown for 56 yards with two interceptions. The NFL runs a promo where Don Cheadle angrily says 56 yards passing won't win anybody a Super Bowl.

7:11pm - The half-time show begins, brought to you by Cadillac, the klez virus, and Shania Twain's wardrobe.

7:15pm - Shania Twain sings a song with the chorus, "It can only go up from here." She does not mention any of the Oakland Raiders specifically by name.

7:18pm - While on break, Raider Nation conquers France.

7:22pm - Halftime concludes as Sting joins No Doubt on stage for a spirited version of his song, "Message In A Bottle." Who'd have thought that at halftime, the veteran taking advantage of the big stage and giving his most inspired performance in years would be Sting and not one of the Raiders?

7:30pm - A seventeenth promo for "Alias" is interrupted by the second-half kickoff, giving Oakland a chance to make a statement and retake the momentum.

7:49pm - After going three-and-out, the Raiders defense gives up an eighty-nine yard drive for a touchdown. As far as making statements go, the Raiders just said "Take my money, but please don't hurt me."

7:50pm - Martin Gramatica's extra point makes it 27-3, Tampa Bay. America sees what else is on.

8:09pm - After a Tampa Bay interception for a touchdown, millions of Americans lose interest in the game, flipping the TV over to VH1 to watch the Behind The Music special on the Raiders. "They had the league MVP and were favored to win the Super Bowl, but behind the scenes, things were falling apart."

8:13pm - Raider fans arrive at their seats after finally removing all their weapons and metal objects. Sadly, many of them are now naked, wearing only black and silver paint.

8:27pm - Oakland blocks a punt and returns it for a touchdown, ending the possibility of a historically significant Super Bowl butt-whipping.

8:47pm - Jerry Rice scores on the same deep slant pass he's scored on in every Super Bowl.

8:49pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's call on the extra point. The challenge fails.

8:50pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's mother.

9:06pm - A touchdown from Derrick Brooks officially ends the competitive portion of the Super Bowl. The NFL passes out the championship hats and shirts, and makes arrangements to drive Jon Gruden home.

9:12pm - The Bucs add their third defensive touchdown of the night. Oakland's offense now trails Tampa Bay's defense, 21-14.

9:16pm - Super Bowl XXXVII ends. Bon Jovi gets defrosted, while Tim Brown and Rich Gannon go back on ice again.

9:55pm - In Times Square, Penn & Teller reveal they correctly predicted not only the final score and the MVP, but also Rich Gannon's QB Rating and the whereabouts of Barret Robbins.

11:58pm - In his underground bunker, Al Davis vows revenge. Not only did he lose the Super Bowl, he has just realized that next year's first round pick he got for Jon Gruden is now the worst pick in the draft.

Reality TV guarantees Dallas Cowboys another awful receiver

Michael Irvin is going to produce a reality show that pits six amateur cornerbacks against six amateur wide receivers, and the winner gets a roster spot for the Dallas Cowboys in training camp.

The athletes will be former college players who never got the chance to make it. That quickly eliminates Peter Warrick, Charles Rogers, and any wide receiver from Florida.

So it's possible to win a contest and get a chance to play for the Dallas Cowboys? You know, I have to like those odds.

Bear in mind, this is the franchise in the 90s that brought us Billy Davis, Wane McGarity, Anthony Miller, and David LaFleur. Remember when the Cowboys were led in receptions by James McKnight? Seriously. Wikipedia that up.

How about 2003, when the only receivers they had were the ghost of Terry Glenn and Antonio Bryant back in his malcontent days, so the Cowboys had to throw it to Richie Anderson 69 times?

What's the worst thing that could happen to you? The Cowboys gave up three picks to Detroit for Roy Williams, you only cost them a couple of episodes on Spike TV.

Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline: New England Patriots 20, St. Louis Rams 17

Our Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline:

February 3, 2001, 8:15am (Central time) - Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe reads his morning paper and checks his horoscope. "Aquarius: Your moon is setting. Today is a big day for you, but in a way that only Bubby Brister can appreciate. Stay patient, and rent a U-Haul."

2:40pm - During the Super Bowl pregame, John Walsh of "America's Most Wanted" hosts a feature on Superdome security measures to keep out terrorists. Apparently, their scheme is based on the way the New England special teams treated Pittsburgh Steeler Troy Edwards in the AFC Championship game.

4:34pm - The pregame show begins, brought to you by the Declaration of Independence, Barry Manilow, and Britney Spears' navel.

4:41pm - The Boston Pops perform. John Madden points out that while the woodwinds are playing straight up, the brass are in a zone.

5:03pm - The members of *NSYNC are now officially halfway through their career arc, having gone from halftime entertainers to pregame commercial endorsers in one year. The next step involves a VH1 "Behind The Music" special.

5:17pm - In a strange occurrence, New England elects to be introduced only as a team, with no individual players recognized. Enron executives begin to consider this strategy.

5:21pm - Mariah Carey lip-syncs the national anthem. Despite her recent problems, Carey does not wander off from the podium even once. Oddsmakers take their first beating of the day.

5:25pm - Terry Glenn wakes up, and tries to remember what he was supposed to be doing today.

5:31pm - Acting on instinct, Aeneas Williams intercepts the pregame coin toss and returns it for a touchdown. After a five-minute review, officials decide the touchdown should not stand.

5:34pm - Seconds before kickoff, Kurt Warner does a sideline interview in which he does not mention either religion or Chunky Soup. He obviously has a lot on his mind.

5:40pm - The Rams punt after their first possession of the game. People who took the Rams and gave points begin to sweat slightly.

5:42pm - Baltimore Raven linebacker Ray Lewis begins to wonder why nobody is showing up for his Super Bowl party.

5:56pm - After a New England punt, St. Louis scores on a Jeff Wilkins field goal to take the lead 3-0.

6:17pm - Another Rams field goal is no good when Mariah Carey wanders back out onto the field and distracts Jeff Wilkins by hitting a "high E."

6:20pm - The "Fox Ticker" comes on, and inexplicably encourages viewers to stop watching the game and go log on to the internet.

6:29pm - Kurt Warner breaks up the offensive malaise Patriot fans are feeling by throwing an interception to Ty Law for a touchdown.

6:36pm - In a humorous moment, Patriots punt returner Troy Brown calls for a fair catch, even though it appears the Rams coverage team has been delayed by security and is standing on the sidelines barefoot having their shoes examined.

6:42pm - The "Fox Ticker" comes back on. This time, the message reminds us about the Pro Bowl next weekend while showing us players who will all have minor surgery after the Super Bowl and skip the event.

6:51pm - With 1:12 to go in the first half, Pepsi calls a time-out.

6:55pm - Tom Brady completes a touchdown pass to David Patten for a 14-3 halftime lead for New England.

7:09pm - It is announced that Clear Channel Communications has purchased the Super Bowl halftime show, the "First and Ten" stripe, and Pat Summerall's answering machine message.

7:10pm - U2 takes the stage to thousands of screaming, exuberant fans. Oakland Raider Darrell Russell is spotted in the crowd trying to score some X.

7:18pm - U2 completes the first Super Bowl halftime show in recent memory that is neither insulting nor embarrassing. Entertainment organizers immediately make plans for next year's show, involving fireworks, giant papier-mache hands, and trained monkeys.

7:24pm - Paul McCartney visits the Fox set, where he talks about the first half of the Super Bowl. Howie Long responds with a thematic analysis of the Abbey Road album.

7:26pm - Paul McCartney and Terry Bradshaw sing together. Stadium security threatens lethal force, and the duet mercifully stops.

7:30pm - The second half begins. The Rams are down 11 points, 23 from the spread.

8:00pm - Kurt Warner continues his bid for Super Bowl MVP by throwing his second interception, this one to Otis Smith.

8:02pm - While talking about the quarterback situation, Pat Summerall and John Madden remind us there is no "I" in team. Nor is there one in "Bledsoe." Or "Buffalo," for that matter.

8:04pm - After a series where the Patriots called both the halfback pass and the direct shotgun snap, they get a field goal. Mike Martz warns his defense to watch out for other plays from "The Longest Yard."

8:07pm - After the third quarter, New England leads St. Louis 17-3. Anybody who gave points begins to weep uncontrollably.

8:10pm - As the fourth quarter starts, Pat and John begin to reminisce about all the games they've seen and called. In the booth, the "Shut Up, The Game Is Still Going On" light (sponsored by E*TRADE) comes on.

8:19pm - On fourth and goal from the three, the Rams call the "Kurt Warner lopes casually to the right" play. The Patriots stop Warner, cause a fumble, and return it for a touchdown.

8:20pm - A penalty brings back the touchdown and gives the Rams first and goal at the two. Sadly, this call comes too late to keep many minor organized crime figures from jumping out of windows.

8:21pm - After protesting the referee's call from his living room, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban instinctively writes out a check to David Stern.

8:24pm - Kurt Warner scores on a quarterback sneak. Rams trail 17-10, but have now outscored both teams in yesterday's NHL All-Star game.

8:40pm - Just to make things interesting, both teams decide to burn all of their timeouts halfway through the fourth quarter.

8:43pm - New England takes the clock down to the two-minute warning, then punts it away in hopes the Rams offense will continue to be unable to drive on them.

8:50pm - St. Louis drives the ball like Dennis Hopper has strapped a bomb to it, and scores the tying touchdown in three plays and twenty-one seconds. America stops watching "Fear Factor," which is a pretty good idea anyway.

8:52pm - New England gets the ball back at their own seventeen, and John Madden announces he expects the Patriots to take a knee and go to overtime. Tom Brady responds with a fifty-three yard drive to set up a game-winning field goal.

8:57pm - Somewhere, Scott Norwood says a little prayer.

8:58pm - Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri lines up for a forty-eight yard field goal, connecting with no time left on the clock to win the game.

8:59pm - The word "dynasty" ceases to exist in the NFL lexicon for St. Louis. Terry Glenn's "clinical depression" gets a little bit worse. Kurt Warner realizes he's just another victim of "The Curse of Chunky Soup."

9:02pm - BCS Computers announce they have selected St. Louis as Super Bowl Champions.

AFC & NFC Championship Recaps

Sunday, the Arizona Cardinals hosted the NFC Championship and advanced to the Super Bowl. Tuesday, Barack Obama will become President. I'm not sure the world is ready for this much change at one time. By Thursday, fish may have learned to fly.

The Cardinals are gong to their first Super Bowl, which only leaves the Saints and Lions as NFC teams that have never made the big game.

This was one of those "tale-of-two-halves" games, with the Cardinals dominating the first two quarters. One of my favorite parts of the broadcast was watching Joe Buck and Troy Aikman talk about Kurt Warner getting into a fight with one of the coaches on the sideline. Then they roll the video, and Warner is calmly talking with the coach, then walks away smiling. Kurt Warner really isn't a screaming, throwing stuff kind of player. He's too positive to be a high-maintenance type, much more Randy Jackson than Randy Moss.

You had to admire the cojones of the Cardinals. The Eagles miss a field goal, and on the very next play you call Shenanigans, pull the flea-flicker and throw deep to Larry Fitzgerald.

By the way, looking back, I wrote about Larry Fitzgerald in such glowing terms last week that I seemed to stop just shy of a marriage proposal. Yeah, I'm going to stand by that. If he makes one more of those catches where he grabs the ball and doesn't even have to bring it in to his body until he's ten yards upfield, I might just put him above Cris Carter on my "Greatest Hands Of All Time" list.

And yes, I'm required to keep a list. It's part of my duties here at the Examiner. I also have lists of "Top Punt Returners," "Best Barry Switzer Quotes," and "Favorite Al Davis All-Black Outfits."

Fitzgerald is now my all-time favorite Cardinals receiver, narrowly beating out Rod Tidwell.

For the Eagles, this game was just weird. Their record-setting kicker was awful. The Eagles should have had two first-half turnovers, but got it back both times. Philadelphia's Desean Jackson had the distinction of having a touchdown reception and a caused fumble in the same game.

Meanwhile, the Eagles vaunted defense couldn't find Fitzgerald, and prolonged a Cardinals drive in the late second quarter by defensive back Quintin Demps committing one of the stupidest personal foul penalties I've ever seen. He not only hit Kurt Warner late and in the open field on a play where the ball was long gone, his blindside hit of Warner almost knocked him into the referee. That's kind of obvious. It's like borrowing a cop's gun to shoot someone.

Arizona is now headed to Super Bowl 43 and Kurt Warner has set two more NFL records, one for "Most Awful Franchises Taken To The Super Bowl," and one for "Most Times Stepped on By Center."

In the AFC, the Steelers/Ravens game was the great, smashmouth, knock 'em out AFC matchup that we all figured it would be. Unfortunately, the "knock 'em out" part turned out to be accurate.

With Baltimore driving in the fourth, Ryan Clark knocked Willis McGahee out on the field, resulting in both players going down and McGahee being carted off. It was one of those hits that you immediately yell for everyone else to come see, then feel bad about later.

The fumble and injury ended the comeback. McGahee not only had both touchdowns for the Ravens, he also did a great job on the Steelers blitz. Without him and with the fumble, the day was done.

Idle question, do you feel bad when you enjoy a fully legal hit that injures someone? I hope McGahee and Clark were both fine, but I'm not going to deny rewinding the DVR a couple dozen times to watch the collision.

It was a tight game that swung on a few plays, made even closer by the physical nature of both teams. Hines Ward missed most of the game with a knee injury.

Admit it, even after Hines Ward was out of the game, you still expected him to clothesline somebody running past him on the sideline, or hit Ray Lewis with a Gatorade bucket or something.

Three hours after Philadelphia's Quintin Demps committed the dumbest penalty ever, I had to add another one to the list. In the fourth quarter of a tight game, Baltimore's Daren Stone got rightfully tagged for unnecessary roughness. On punt coverage, Stone took James Harrison and threw him down so far out of bounds he hit the guy holding the bag of footballs on the sidelines.

As everyone expected, the game was won defensively. The Steelers finally made Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco seem like a rookie, ripping him off for three interceptions including a Troy Polamalu touchdown. Flacco never saw him coming, which is weird because Polamalu is ridiculously easy to spot on the field.

So it's Steelers and Cardinals in the Super Bowl, in a game made even more interesting because it seems all of the coaches in this game used to share an office.

AFC & NFC Championship Previews

My AFC & NFC Championship game previews are up at Examiner.com. Not only will you find my picks there, but also jokes about everything from Kordell Stewart to Animal House to televised flag football.

As Joe Bob says, check it out.

Me And Pacman Jones, We Got A Thing Goin' On

I didn't do too well on my picks this past NFL weekend, so I'd have to say my personal highlight of the broadcast was the CBS interview with Pacman Jones. It was tons of LOLs, or whatever the correct way to say it these days is.

To recap, the Dallas Cowboys announced this week they were cutting Adam "Pacman" Jones, even though they can't actually release him for almost a month. The next day, ESPN announced they had footage of Pacman entering a strip club at 1:30 am while he was suspended from the league back in 2007, and then allegedly sending men out to the parking lot to shoot at people.

To begin with, when you're going to a club where you don't arrive until 1:30 in the morning and then have to be wanded and patted down before you enter, you're entering into a bad situation. That location couldn't be more dangerous if it were in Plaxico Burress's pants.

Anyway, Pacman told CBS he was innocent. Then to emphasize his case, CBS pulled the camera out to a wide shot to show his lawyer sitting millimeters away waiting with a ball gag and a tazer just in case Pacman started talking about his favorite strip club memories.

I especially enjoyed seeing Pacman say he'd be back in Dallas next year, then not have a single syllable to utter why he would expect that to happen. Pacman led the Cowboys in deflected passes. That's the kind of stat that sounds good, but what it really means is that he was slow and out of position and had to reach, since he didn't have a single interception.

My personal favorite Pacman stage this season was his performance in the final minute of the first half against Philly in week seventeen. Jones got beaten on a play, then got flagged for throwing the receiver down out of bounds after catching up to him, then fumbled the kickoff after the touchdown. He basically handed the Eagles ten points in a minute. That's quality stuff right there. That's like Sage Rosenfels-damage-to-your-own-team levels.

If you can play and stay on the field, the NFL doesn't care what you do in your spare time. When you hit the trifecta of bad coverage, penalties, and fumbles, you could donate your organs to orphans and it's not going to help.

NFL Championship Game Betting Lines Posted

The oddsmakers have spoken. Veteran gamblers looking for a point spread or a line on the games, look no further.

Philadelphia will be a three-point favorite at Arizona in the NFC Championship game, after beating the Giants as five point underdogs. The Eagles also beat the Cardinals 48-20 on Thanksgiving night in one of those NFL games that the vast majority of the world is unaware ever happened.

Remember? Yeah, me either.

Meanwhile, the only team to actually win at home this week was Pittsburgh. The Steelers are five point favorites over the Baltimore Ravens. Pittsburgh covered the spread like nobody's business Sunday, winning by eleven after being favored by six.

The Steelers won both regular season matchups with the Ravens, 23-20 and 13-9.

Right now, the only certainty is a 100% chance of having at least one bird in the Super Bowl. See if you can find a bookie willing to take the "All-Bird Bowl."

Brett Favre To Make Decision Sometime

ESPN is reporting Brett Favre will wait several weeks before making his decision about returning to football.

Sure thing, Brett. Anytime before mid-August will be fine.

Apparently, Favre is the kind of guy that takes a half hour to decide what he wants on his pizza, too.

"Hmm, what sounds good...pepperoni. Yeah, lemme get that...with anchovies. You know, cancel the pepperoni. Let me get that with hamburger and canadian bacon. And with pineapple. Tell you what, hold the burger for now, I'm going to drive a four-wheeler into the backwater swamps of Mississippi for a month and hunt deer, oxen, and chupacabras. I'll have a definitive answer on the pizza in a couple of months."

So while the Jets now have to decide on a coach and figure out whether their franchise quarterback will be taking snaps or settling into a La-Z-Boy recliner come September, it's time to look back at when the same thing happened last year.

Who would have thought the only winner in the "Great Favre-Watch Marathon of 2008" would be neither the Jets nor the Packers, but actually the Miami Dolphins?

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