The NFL 2009 Year In Review:

February 1, 2009, Super Bowl XLIII: James Harrison makes the slowest TD run in Super Bowl history, and the Steelers beat the Cardinals.

February 11: Brett Favre announces his retirement.

February 27: Albert Haynesworth signs a hundred million dollar contract with the Washington Redskins, thus providing him with enough motivation for the year to do nothing and complain about his coaching staff.

April 25: The NFL Draft is held, with comic relief once again provided by the Oakland Raiders.

July 27: Brett Favre again embraces retirement, choosing to spend the summer month of training camp in the back woods of Mississippi hunting deer, squirrells, and chupacabra.

August 9: The preseason opens with a throwback game between the Tennessee Titans and the Buffalo Bills. To make things interesting, the Titans wear jerseys they've never worn before, and the Bills wear jerseys old enough to be classic, while not invoking memories of OJ.

August 17: Oakland Raiders coach Tom Cable is accused of punching an assistant coach in the face. Eventually the Napa district attorney will rule Cable will not face charges, as working for Al Davis is deemed punishment enough.

August 18: Brett Favre comes back yet again, proving himself to be the NFL's Jason Voorhees.

September 10: The season starts with the Super Bowl champion Pittsburgh Steelers defeating the Titans 13-10. These two teams would both go on to epic mid-season turnarounds.

September 20: The Dallas Cowboys open their new stadium with every possible convenience fans could want, except a win.

October 19: Redskins alleged coach Jim Zorn gets his offensive play calling duties taken away, and given to Sherman Lewis. Lewis has a playbook that includes the plays "run up the middle," "incomplete pass," and "call swinging gate play over and over again."

October 25: New England beats Tampa Bay in London. To further confuse the NFL's expansion efforts, only one of those places is actually a city.

November 8: The Tampa Bay Buccaneers put on a master class in irony, as they wear throwback jerseys from a winless, creme-sicle colored 1976 team to get their first win of the season.

November 11: The St. Louis Rams announce the remainder of their games will be computer simulated for the purpose of fantasy football statistics only.

November 15: Jake Delhomme becomes the first NFL quarterback to throw a million interceptions.

November 17: The Buffalo Bills fire Dick Jauron, and promise to hire a new head coach by the start of next season.

November 22: Houston Texans kicker Chris Brown misses a field goal for a victory, his second straight week to do so. Luckily, this only makes him the second most-hated Chris Brown.

November 23: After the Dallas Cowboys go two straight games with only a fourth-quarter touchdown in each. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones responds by showing 3-D movies on the Cowboys Stadium jumbotron, just to give the stadium the illusion of movement.

November 26: The NFL celebrates Thanksgiving by giving viewers three straight unwatchable games.

November 29: Browns running back Jamal Lewis retires in the middle of a game.

December 9: In a first, Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Ochocinco Johnson Mellancamp Van Reginald is fined by the NFL for a sombrero-related celebration. Sadly, this is one of few entries I'm not making up.

December 17: The death of Bengals receiver Chris Henry does the unthinkable, it turns Chad Ochocinco into a humble hero.

December 20: With basically every single member of the organization playing for their jobs next season, The Redskins turn in a monumentally lackluster effort in losing to the Giants.

December 20: Raiders QB JaMarcus Russell somehow manages the NFL equivalent of the Philip Michael Thomas EGOT, as he is benched, played in desperation, benched again for a guy signed days before from the UFL, played again to throw a game-winning touchdown, then benched again.

December 24: Michael Vick's Eagles teammates vote him the Ed Block Courage Award, rewarding him for his epic bravery in overcoming his own stupidity.

December 25: Florida head coach Urban Meyer announces he's leaving the university because of health issues after their bowl game, then recants two days later and says he'll return. Brett Favre calls Meyer to congratulate him on "pulling a Favre."

December 27: The Indianapolis Colts sit Peyton Manning, then promptly blow a lead to the jets and lose their perfect season. My 73 year-old mother loses her fantasy football championship game, and swears out an old gypsy curse on Jim Caldwell.

December 27: With a playoff spot on the line, Eli Manning plays like he's got first-of-the-year vacation reservations. Giants lose to Carolina, and are out of the playoff hunt.

January 7, 2010: Tom Brady wins the NFL's Comeback Player of the Year Award, in recognition of him returning from injury to lead the 11-5 Patriots to a 10-6 record in 2009.

January 24: After the Vikings secret plan to butter the ball between plays backfires and leads to five turnovers, Brett Favre tries to make a throw that could have only been made by Brett Favre, circa 1995. The Saints go on to win the NFC, joining the Colts in Super Bowl XLIV.