Our Super Bowl XXXIX Timeline:

9:00am Central Standard Time - Sports fans worldwide wake up, and check the internet to make sure no player has been arrested for solicitation, has gone AWOL across the border into Mexico, or has locked themselves in a hotel room with a buffet table full of crack. They are pleasantly surprised, and begin to make breakfast.

12:00pm - In an effort to avoid upsetting anyone, Fox's "Best Damn Sports Show" becomes the "Best Darn Super Bowl Pregame." Also, Tom Arnold is replaced with a cute, computer-generated possum.

12:10pm - The Terrell Owens watch officially begins. It is revealed Owens has brought in his personal doctor, chiropractor, therapist, hyperbaric chamber, voodoo chieftain, acupuncturist, tribal shaman, horn section, and faith healer.

1:04pm - Fox Sports' James Brown says Philadelphia is synonymous with the movie "Rocky," leaving out the obvious connections with cheesesteaks and fat guys hurling snow-covered batteries.

1:30pm - A feature airs on the city of Jacksonville, which bears the slogan "Jacksonville...The Other Other Other City In Florida."

1:20pm - Fox provides a security overview in Jacksonville,
which includes full land, air, and sea coverage. Any plane
venturing within fifty miles of Alltel Stadium will be
warned once to change course, then shot down as part of the
halftime show.

4:30pm - The annual unnecessary pregame music begins, with
Gretchen Wilson singing her song about being an easy girl
from the country. Security issues have apparently kept the
crowd on the field down to a few dozen.

4:45pm - Country music legend Charlie Daniels performs "The
Devil Went Down To Georgia." When he arrives at the lyric,
"I done told you once, you son of a..." he is tackled and
detained by outgoing FCC chairman Michael Powell.

4:55pm - Security detains and questions Wilson, several Black
Eyed Peas, and Wind from Earth, Wind, and Fire.

5:27pm - Michael Douglas introduces former Presidents Bush
and Clinton.

5:28pm - Comedians everywhere begin to produce routines about
Clinton asking Douglas about Catherine Zeta-Jones.

5:37pm - Patriot Troy Brown, who will play offense, defense,
and special teams, is also the designated interview before
the game.

5:38pm - The opening kickoff of Super Bowl XXXIX is returned
by the Eagles to the thirty-nine yard line.

5:40pm - Terrell Owens makes his first catch, and follows it
with his first shove of a defender out of bounds.

5:41pm - Donovan McNabb avoids a sack, but fumbles the ball
away to the Patriots. The Eagles challenge the call.

5:44pm - In a FOX marketing tie-in, American Idol judge Simon
Cowell overturns the fumble.

5:46pm - Troy Brown returns a punt for the Patriots.

5:50pm - A commercial airs for LeBron James' new gum, "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade," followed by a promo about Paul McCartney's halftime performence being brought to you by a mortgage company. Marketing has become simple in 2005.

6:04pm - Troy Brown mixes up the Gatorade on the sidelines for the Patriots.

6:11pm - Donovan McNabb throws an interception, which is erased because of a penalty.

6:14pm - On the next play, Donovan McNabb shows his versatility by throwing another interception to the other side of the field.

6:18pm - The Eagles defense responds by forcing the Patriots to go three and out.

6:21pm - The Eagles offense responds by fumbling again.

6:33pm - After a scoreless first quarter, McNabb completes a touchdown pass to L.J. Smith. Eagles lead 7-0.

6:40pm - A Patriots drive is stalled by what could have been a fumble, or a downed player, or something. The refs don't seem to know, and refuse to blow the whistle until the whole thing winds up in a fistfight on the sidelines.

6:45pm - The Patriots protest the fumble call. Simon Cowell overturns the call, then tells Bill Belichick that he's dressed like a vagrant.

6:46pm - Corey Dillon goes on a tremendous twenty-five yard run where he drags several defenders most of the way. Joe Buck quotes from Confucious, "There is no man so desperate as one who has toiled for the Bengals."

6:48pm - Tom Brady fumbles the ball in the backfield. Just like Joe Montana would have, Cris Collinsworth points out.

6:55pm - Troy Brown makes a catch inside the ten yard-line for the Patriots, setting up a game-tying touchdown. Brown then snaps the extra point and retrieves the ball out of the crowd for the refs.

7:14pm - The Super Bowl goes to halftime, score tied at seven, with Paul McCartney scheduled to appear next. People who bet the "under" on points, or nipples, are happy.

7:20pm - McCartney begins his performance. Parents everywhere begin explaining who he is to their children.

7:24pm - The halftime show borders on saucy, as McCartney removes his sport jacket.

7:27pm - Somewhere in California, Latoya Jackson offers to expose her nipples for spare change.

7:30pm - During halftime, Troy Brown takes a moment to negotiate a settlement in the NHL lockout.

7:47pm - The second half begins, brought to you by P Diddy's truck, patriotic alcohol suppliers, and people who work with monkeys.

8:11pm - Inspired by a sideline pep talk and soup break from Donovan McNabb's mom, the Eagles tie the score at fourteen with a touchdown pass to Brian Westbrook.

8:17pm - Troy Brown is called for offsides. He marks the penalty yardage off himself.

8:34pm - In Minnesota, Randy Moss leaves the Vikings Super Bowl party early.

8:58pm - Down by ten points with four minutes to go, the Philadelphia Eagles refuse to use a two-minute offense. They walk around, use the huddle, talk on their cell phones, and have some more Chunky Soup.

9:13pm - After an Eagles touchdown and a Patriot punt, Philadelphia takes over with 46 seconds remaining, down by three on their own four yard line.

9:15pm - Rodney Harrison picks off Donovan McNabb, which gives sportscasters everywhere the right to use the word "dynasty."

9:30pm - On a very special episode of "Desperate Housewives," Nicollete Sheridan snubs Terrell Owens and tries to seduce Bill Belichick.