Congratulations to Duke on their first national championship in almost ten years, which for Duke must seem like a Demi Moore-esque drought. Thanks for dancing, kids. Last one out of the gym put Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps back in the cage.

Major League Baseball is back, as this past Sunday the Toronto Blue Jays beat Texas 8-1 in the season-opener in Puerto Rico. You know, it's really not a good sign for the Rangers that by the time they get to the continental United States, they're already half a game out of first. Between the Rangers dropping the Intercontinental Title and the Astros struggling to beat their own AA team, it looks like another long season in the Lone Star State.

FBI agents finally closed a case this week involving over a million dollars in autographed baseballs missing from the Hall of Fame. The balls were finally found after it was revealed Rick Ankiel delivered them, so the FBI just looked behind the back wall of the display case.

Darryl Strawberry disappeared after a drug counseling session in Florida and was wanted by the police, which makes exactly one organization still expressing interest in Strawberry. He eventually showed up after rumors came out he was kidnapped. Police are looking for a crime ring specializing in the abduction of athletes who have squandered their careers in off-field incidents. They've also doubled security at the homes of Lawrence Phillips, Steve Howe, and Tony Mandarich.

After an off-season that saw two of their players accused of murder, the National Football League responded decisively by banning bandanas worn around the players' heads. I very rarely get to write about an organization this far out of touch with reality that's not involved with the federal government. A player could take a bus full of hostages this summer and the league would ban earrings.

My vote for the most consistent player in the NBA would have to be Rasheed Wallace. Wallace has smashed his old record for technical fouls in a season with forty, and seven ejections just for giggles. Wallace is living proof of the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, it's the #%$@^& refs fault, you piece of #%$@."

Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi was fined this week for squirting water onto Philadelphia fans, including a friendly fellow who fell through the back wall of the penalty box trying to get to him. Domi was fined a thousand dollars, which appeared to be about two dollars a pound for his admirer. Say what you will about professional athletes but hockey players remain grounded in the way they treat their fans, always there to give them an autograph or impromptu rinse.