Congratulations to Maryland and the University of Connecticut on their national championships. Congratulations also go out to Hoosiers coach Mike Davis, who has insured the next movie about Indiana basketball will only be PG-rated.

Major League Baseball started this past Sunday night in Anaheim, as Navy SEAL members parachuted in to deliver the ball for the first pitch. Angels closer Troy Percival then began to watch the sky in fear of a Mo Vaughn airdrop. Boy, Vaughn sure has a way with f-words, doesn't he? Vaughn responded to Percival's comments about his leadership with a torrent of expletives. You know, there's no better way to establish your leadership than by unleashing enough profanity to make Sam Kinison roll over in his grave.

The Montreal Expos released Jose Canseco this week, bringing up a good question. Which is worse, signing Jose Canseco or not making the Montreal Expos?

Ruben Rivera, released by the Yankees for stealing Derek Jeter's glove and bat, has signed with the Texas Rangers. If Rivera winds up with the Red Sox before the end of the season, look for him to appear on the Home Shopping Network with his new "Great Shortstops of the American League" collection.

A judge has ruled Darryl Strawberry will remain in jail while his new lawyer reviews his case. Strawberry's new attorney is a local civil rights activist and a former cocaine addict. Those, by the way, are two of the three worst things you can have on your resume. The third thing is the name "Darryl Strawberry."

In NFL news, Vinny Testaverde had surgery this week to remove a benign tumor from his foot. Testaverde should make a full recovery and be ready for Jets training camp. Following the surgery, the tumor was traded to Steve Spurrier, where it was placed third on the Redskins quarterback depth chart.

New Orleans Saint Dale Carter, who signed a twenty-eight million dollar contract in March, has filed for bankruptcy. Apparently, Carter is using Willie Nelson's old agent. You know, most people go through life thinking if their income will just increase, they'll be able to get out of debt. There's not much hope of that for Carter, unless he plans on installing personal seat licenses at his house.

A federal indictment alleges that current Sacramento Kings forward Chris Webber received $280,000 from a former Michigan booster during a period of time from his freshman year of high school through his sophomore year with the Wolverines. See, this is why people have no sympathy for professional athletes. If this story is true, Webber made more money while he was in high school than your average engineer makes after college. Add up all the money you made while you were in your four years of high school. Chances are this is not a great sum, and probably involves some form of grease. Now tag on whatever minimum wage job you could hold down while going to your first two years of college, and tell me if Chris Webber didn't make about twenty times more than you did. So the next time Webber complains about people writing about his relationship with Tyra Banks, take that with a grain of salt. Webber plays the poor, put-upon athlete about as well as Steven Seagal plays King Lear.