Indians pitcher Chuck Finley's wife, alleged actress Tawny Kitaen, was arrested this past week on charges of spousal abuse and battery. Kitaen, famous for appearing in rock videos in the mid-eighties, apparently beat Finley with her high-heeled shoes while they were driving. Somehow, you had to know that even at the age of forty, Tawny Kitaen would still be wearing stiletto heels. This incident led Finley to miss a scheduled start, so Indians management suggested his next wife be a more demure former video babe, possibly the girl from Billy Idol's "Cradle of Love" video.

The Texas Rangers have started the season 1-5, so it looks like the clubhouse chemistry everyone was worried about turned out to be as important as the headlights on a car with no wheels. And speaking of chemistry, Rangers first baseman Rafael Palmiero is the latest endorser for Viagra. Palmiero insists, however, he doesn't have any problems in that area. So why the endorsement? Does Rafe just like everything to be tinted blue? You've got to love a product like Viagra. By endorsing it, you're saying one of two things: Either I have erectile dysfunction, or I'm only doing this for the money and I'll basically shill for anything. Either way, it doesn't do much for your credibility.

The high point of the season came when Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the first pitch at opening day. Cheney impressed the crowd when he threw a strike. However, the Rangers bullpen still blew the save.

Mike Piazza was fined this week for "aggressive conduct" towards Dodgers pitcher Guillermo Mota after Mota beaned him in an exhibition game. It was the fourth time Piazza was hit in spring training, which proves what I've been trying to tell people for years. People just don't like Mike Piazza. I don't know if it's the Dodger background, or the Mets connection, or the 1-800-WHATEVER phone commercials. Piazza appeals to exactly two sorts of people: Mets fans, and people who have him on their rotisserie baseball teams. And we all know how fleeting fame can be with those two groups.

Headline of the Week: "Marlins-Expos Game Disrupted Because of Unruly Fans." What, both of them? You know, if somebody at a Marlins-Expos game throws something, they're not going to be hard to pick out of the bleachers. "That's him, officer, in Row C. Yeah, the only one sitting in Row C."

Headline of the Week, part two: "Dancer Claims Tyson Assaulted Her and Boyfriend." I don't guess there's any chance this is about a ballet dancer, is it? Maybe a wayward interpretive jazz dancer and her man came across Tyson at an Off-Broadway performance, and they got into a fistfight over her modernization of "Swan Lake." Tyson has put more exotic dancers in the news than Charlie Sheen and Patrick Ewing combined.