It's been a few weeks, so just to make sure you were paying attention we present this Fistful of Sports Current Events Quiz. This is a timed exam, eyes forward and no copying off Carl Everett's paper.

For many baseball fans, the season got underway this past week with:
A. Barry Bonds' first home run.
B. Randy Johnson's first strikeout.
C. Ken Griffey's first trip to the Disabled List.

Who's the black private dick who's a sex machine with all the chicks?
A: Billy Dee Williams
B: Shaft
C: Kirby Puckett

The NCAA Basketball Tournament was exciting, as millions of viewers tuned in to watch:
A. Roy Williams try and win his first championship.
B. Jim Boeheim erase the memory of Keith Smart.
C. Something on television that wasn't broadcast from Baghdad.

The big question for the University of Texas is:
A: Can they build on this year's Final Four appearance?
B: Will T.J. Ford jump to the NBA?
C: How did Rick Barnes get closer to a National Championship than Mack Brown?

In the NBA, the Dallas Mavericks will advance to:
A: The NBA Finals.
B: The Conference Championships.
C: Whichever round they lose to the Sacramento Kings in.

Iraqi Minister of Information Muhammed Saeed al-Sahhaf has prepared himself for a career as:
A: An ambassador.
B: A Fox News correspondent.
C: Public relations director for the Portland Trailblazers.

After his comeback concludes, Michael Jordan will be remembered in Washington basketball history as:
A. The legendary player-owner.
B. The first Wizard Hall of Famer.
C. The guy who drafted Kwame Brown.

The Cleveland Cavaliers are averaging less than 11,000 fans a game at home this year. In hopes of raising interest, the Cavs have:
A: Had players call season-ticket holders.
B: Given free concessions tickets to fans.
C: Started playing an empty jersey called "LeBron."

The NHL fined the New York Islanders $25,000 for not allowing the media access to one of their practices. This has led:
A: The Islanders to review their policies.
B: The league to restate their rules.
C: The Thrashers media to take up a collection.

Emmitt Smith received a warm reception from the Texas crowd when he threw out the opening pitch at the Ballpark in Arlington this week. This proves:
A: Dallas still loves Emmitt.
B: Smith will always be a part of the Metroplex.
C: Rangers fans really are starved for pitching.

The NFL is looking into expanding their playoffs. New proposals would open the playoffs to:
A: 14 teams.
B: another wild card round.
C: Everybody except Cincinnati.

Finally, the Fistful of Sports offices were seen ordering champagne this week because:
A. U.S. troops conquered Baghdad.
B. Our tax refund came in.
C. Darryl Strawberry was released from prison.

Scoring: Ten points for each A, 4 points for each B, and 3.1415 points for each C. Add ten points if you finished in the money in your NCAA Tournament Pool. Subtract fifty if you paid for more than twelve entries. Subtract one point for every foot the puck travels before it goes past Curtis Joseph. Subtract ten from your score if Chan Ho Park is your opening day starter. Add fifty if you've got Mel Kiper Draft Expert's phone number. Subtract a hundred if you've got Mel Kiper Draft Expert's hair stylist's phone number.

If you scored 0-50: Needs work. You are the Baldwin brothers of sports. Spend the next six months hanging out with Theo Fleury, and try to figure out what's going on.

51-100: Pretty good. You are the Bobby "The Brain" Heenan of sports. Make a lunch date with Sean Salisbury and Rob Dibble, write a thesis comparing and contrasting the two.

Over 100: Excellent! You are the Iraqi Information Minister of sports. Treat yourself to a new stadium at taxpayer expense.