What kind of world is the NHL living in? The Wild and the Lightning are in the second round, while Detroit and Colorado are home like common Thrashers. Toronto fell through the ice that Ed Belfour melted down on, and Ken Hitchcock got to watch Belfour's one-man comedy review from the audience this time. The Mighty Ducks shut down the defending champion Red Wings in a first-round upset that only the Iraqi Minister of Information predicted. The only consistent thing is the Dallas-Edmonton series, which they appear to just rerun highlights from previous years.

Meanwhile in the NBA, playoffs are just the down time between arrests. Three of the Milwaukee Bucks flew to Toronto after losing their first playoff game to turn themselves in to the police. They were charged with assault in connection with a fight outside a strip club. Well, that settles it. The Gold Club is now officially known as "The Good Old Days." Gary Payton was charged with three counts of simple assault, which is equal to a misdemeanor. Make your own jokes about the Canadian Exchange rate here, kids.

Speaking of Toronto, I'm not going to say the Raptors are using Lenny Wilkins as a scapegoat, but they're trying to blame him for bad trades, injuries, and the SARS epidemic.

And by the way, with the SARS epidemic and all the shots of people walking around covering their faces with surgical masks, maybe Michael Jackson wasn't just being weird, maybe he was ahead of the curve. You know, they say if you're exposed to SARS you should immediately wear a surgical mask and remove your nose.

Major League Baseball had a special Easter treat for the kids at the Diamondbacks-Cardinals game this past weekend. That's right, it was "Brawl In The Infield Night," where after pitcher Miguel Batista plunked Tino Martinez, they held an impromptu lumberjack match on the grass. When Williams charged, Batista threw the ball at him, missing from a distance of about eight feet. In addition to saving Martinez an injury, this also made Batista the favorite pitcher of Chan Ho Park.

In other Diamondbacks news, pitcher Curt Schilling underwent an appendectomy during a game last weekend. Following the surgery, the Yankees won the bidding rights for the free agent appendix, where Joe Torre assigned it to triple A ball before being overruled by George Steinbrenner.

A group of former baseball players, including Jim Bunning and Robin Yount, is trying to raise $1 million for an anti- abortion group. The message here is that some baseball people want to reaffirm their belief in the sanctity of life. Unless its Tim Robbins' life. Screw that guy.

Just in case you've been off-planet for the last week, the Baseball Hall of Fame is taking heat for canceling a "Bull Durham" celebration because of Robbins and Susan Sarandon's political views. Worse still, President Dale Petroskey invited White House spokesman Ari Fleischer to speak at an event last year. Trust me folks, if there's anything worse than hearing entertainers talk about politics, it's hearing a politician talk about sports.

You ever hear George Will talk about baseball? It's like asking Ben Stein to describe Nixon's foreign policy in 1972. It's very in-depth, and also as interesting as The Styrofoam Channel. Politicians talk about the game like every pitch, catch, and scratch is ordained by divine powers taking up residence inside the cork of Albert Belle's bat. Let the game breathe, fellas. Don't overanalyze it like James Joyce's "The Dead." Sometimes a pinch-hit is just a pinch-hit.

A Chicago sports fan who charged the field to attack an umpire has said he wasn't trying to hurt anybody. The fan said he had been to a Cubs game that afternoon, where he drank six, 16-ounce beers. Then he came to the White Sox game that night, where he drank another six beers. This does answer the question of why he missed the ump, and was laying on the ground when the players noticed him. If convicted, he could get two years in jail, which is only about four days per ounce. He could also face counseling, rehab, and a contract with American Airlines.

Texas Rangers outfielder Carl Everett was hit by a cell phone this week, thrown from the upper deck during a game in Oakland. Everett was uninjured, and actually used the phone to call his home planet. In a related story, attorneys for the WNBA Players Union are pushing for player ownership of any object thrown from the crowd. Former "Sports Humor Writer MVP" Jose Canseco has put himself up for auction. While under house arrest, Jose is offering a day with him for sale, at an opening bid of $25,000. Jose will lift weights, teach you power hitting, and several other things that don't involve leaving his house. In other items on the menu, a day with Ozzie Canseco will cost you $65, which includes him cleaning your pool. And finally, Missouri point guard Ricky Clemons has been suspended for a year after pleading guilty to choking a woman and holding her against her will at his apartment. Clemons faces two years probation on the assault, and 90 days in jail for impersonating Rick James.