The season has finally finished for ESPN's new show, "Playmakers," a show that's a mix of "North Dallas Forty" without the humor, and "Any Given Sunday" without the random shots of the Indians.

I've watched the show a few times. If I want to get that depressed while watching football, I'll just cue up my Cincinnati Bengals 1994 Video Yearbook (Theme: "Not Even Close!").

The team appears to have been put together from people too unstable to join "The Dirty Dozen." All of the players have serious problems. The star running back smokes crack before games, and steals pain pills from crippled children. The quarterback has knocked up a girl on a dare. One player is struggling to hide his homosexuality, another is dealing with the bad press from a domestic assault. Yet another is a Cubs fan on the brink of suicide. The kicker is secretly stalking Martin Short, and the punter loved "Gigli." One cornerback is addicted to Slurpees, the other is hiding his Mormon beliefs and twelve wives from the media. The head coach has cancer, and liver disease, and alcoholism, and dutch elm disease. Watching this show is more depressing than watching an hour of promos for "8 Simple Rules."

ESPN ran promos for the show constantly in an effort to present their programming as quality cable fare. Even if the show was good enough to compete with programs like "The Sopranos," why would ESPN put it on the air? It makes the NFL look uncomfortably bad, and submarines the integrity of their main ratings draw. It would be like the Food Network doing a show where Emeril ties on a gin frenzy and beats his kids, or Fox News pushing a Democrat for President. It just doesn't make any sense.

Even worse, ESPN sportscasters are used as props on the show, serving as the scandal-hungry press. When I hear the voices of Dan Patrick, Jim Rome, or Max Kellerman dragging this fictional team through the muck, I can't help but wonder what that's doing to their credibility. When I say "credibility," I'm of course talking about Patrick. Rome lost his credibility cherry to Jim Everett, and Kellerman is only popular with the hard of hearing, who don't realize he's always screaming.

In the grand scheme of things, it's pretty ironic that the NFL has gone to great lengths to keep this kind of image from spreading. The NFL has drug testing, its own security force, and a team of P.I.'s making sure Lawrence Phillips stays in Canada. They're trying hard, but the very network that sports fans everywhere worship is bringing that image right back to the forefront.

Worse still, for all their faults, the "Playmakers" team is still a six point favorite over the Chicago Bears.

In other NFL news, Steve Beuerlein was placed on IR by the Denver Broncos, possibly ending a career that dates back to the Battle of Verdun. How old is Beuerlein? When he was drafted, George Bush was President, Bon Jovi was popular, and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers defense wasn't any good. Boy, things have changed, haven't they?

One thing this injury does is shift the mantle of "The Next Steve Deberg" firmly onto the shoulders of Chris Chandler. Which, of course, will cause a rotator cuff injury.

The Broncos had to sign another backup quarterback, and had the choice of Jarious Jackson or Jeff George. Jackson won the competition, based on the fact that he was not Jeff George.

As the postseason MLB awards continue to come down, I think the most entertaining things in the baseball offseason will be watching George Steinbrenner try and fix the Yankees four year World Series drought. I'm actually worried he may try and fix the team through free agency by signing the entire '03 Marlins team.

Other teams may try and follow the Marlins blueprint for success. I expect the Tigers and Devil Rays to both look to turn their fortunes around by signing managers in their mid- seventies. Look for the teams to interview Sparky Anderson, Marv Levy, Ronald Reagan, and Yoda.

One thing about the playoffs that will stay with people is the great seven game series played in both leagues. Baseball fans have learned there is nothing like the excitement of a game seven, unless of course you're a Cubs fan already preordained to once again taste the misery of getting close. Cubs fans look forward to game sevens like Ralph Nader looked forward to the 2000 election.

The NBA is back, and it seems like the only two players anybody wants to talk about are in Colorado or Cleveland, and I'm not sure which is a worse place to be for a NBA player.

Kobe Bryant has announced he'll opt out of his contract with the Lakers next year and become a free agent. You talk about having bad timing. Normally in a contract year, you want to be on ESPN more often than "Celebrity Justice." Kobe still plans to play this season. It's like they say, "You can't stop Kobe, you can only hope he doesn't make bond."

Kobe was in court this week, but didn't speak. I'm still hoping he goes with the "It's okay, I had Subway for lunch" defense.

In other NBA news, former Laker Robert Horry signed a two- year contract with the San Antonio Spurs, after going 0-18 from three point range against them in the playoffs last year. You know the old saying, if you can't hit the broad side of a barn against them, join them.

Also, Scottie Pippen has returned to Chicago, signing with the Bulls. One interesting note here, Pippen has been in the league sixteen seasons, and made the playoffs every year. I'll take "Broken Streaks" for $800, Alex?