Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Rocky Six

Really? No kidding? Please, someone tell me this is an entertainment report from The Onion. There is no logical reason to have a Rocky Six, especially when many people can't even identify "Rocky V" when it comes on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon during a Mets rain delay.

What's the plot here? Rocky against someone a fifth of his age, overcoming incredible odds to get beaten to death in the middle of the Madison Square Garden ring? Rocky gets into it with Larry Holmes? Rocky struggles with Parkinson's Disease?

Parkinson's Disease, by the way, is a rare neurological disease that gets very little publicity. It affects thousands of people every year, and all of them are either professional boxers or Michael J. Fox. Let's pretend that getting repeatedly punched in the head for a living has nothing to do with it, shall we?

Anyway, Rocky should have been retired twenty years ago, and working as a greeter in a casino somewhere, divorced and paying off his back income taxes. Instead, the plucky everyman is dragged out again to prop up Sylvester Stallone's alleged movie career.

Let's take a look at why Stallone is eager to revisit his first love. Here's some of Stallone's output from the last decade.

"Eye See You" -- No, no one did. I don't think it was even released in theatres. It went straight to beta video, 8 millimeter film, and flip book.
"Get Carter" -- Get serious. No one makes a comeback in a movie that relies on Mickey Rourke.
"Driven" -- It takes quite a movie to suck the energy and fun out of high speed racing. This is just such a movie.
"Avenging Angelo" -- Didn't see it, never heard of it, not sure if it was a movie or the name of a professional wrestler.
"Judge Dredd" -- How do you screw up a character like Dredd? Easy, you wait a decade to long to film the movie, you let Stallone sneer every single one of his lines, and then you add Rob Schneider.

Why go this far back in the career? Why not just dig up John Rambo again? Drop him into Iraq, and have him dig out spider holes? Why not film the logical sequels to all of Stallone's films? Why not "Locked Up Again"? "Even More Demolition Man"?

Or my favorite, "Stop, My Mom Is Still Shooting"?

Labels: Boxing

The Cuban Blizzard Crisis

Well, the NBA has certainly showed Mark Cuban, eh? For his comments about officiating, the Mavericks owner received a fine, a reprimand, and free television time on every news and sports show from "SportsCenter" to "Wake Up Waukegan". Cuban's smiling face serving up soft-serve ice cream to fans was on every major and minor media outlet across the country. That'll show Cuban the NBA means business. With his next infraction, they should tattoo his face just below Britney Spears' navel.

The playoffs are over in Chicago. The Bears lost to Philadelphia, and the closest the Bulls will get to the playoffs was playing on the same day as the Bears. During the season, a lot of people wondered why playoff-bound Chicago would be mentioned as a possible destination for quarterback Drew Bledsoe. The names "Miller and Matthews" would be the answer to their unasked questions. It doesn't matter if your quarterbacks are Jim and Shane or Steve and Dave, when you're down by nine late in the fourth quarter and still running on first down, you need to keep looking.

Meanwhile across town, the Bulls put on a shooting display so awful, they were very nearly outscored by Michael Jordan's statue. With Jordan playing in his first game back, the Bulls welcomed him by missing their first thirteen shots and shooting worse than any NBA team in almost fifty years. The Bulls did put a lot of pressure on Jordan, however, especially in the postgame press conference where he had to be polite in his remarks about them.

So here are the final point spreads for this weekend's games: Brett Favre's interceptions by three over Elvis Grbac. Michael Jordan over the Baltimore Ravens by six. Bears over Michael Jordan by three. Rams defense over Green Bay by four. Rams over the Bulls (through three) by eight. Allen Iverson over the Rams by thirteen.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers received a helping of Tuna Surprise this week, as Bill Parcells announced he would not be coming out of retirement to coach the Bucs. This leaves the Bucs with no leadership and no game plan for next season. In the NFL, this situation normally calls for George Seifert to be fired.

In other news from the NBA, the Hornets are expected to bolt from Charlotte in the offseason, becoming the New Orleans Hornets. Sounds like some kind of venereal disease you bring back from Mardi Gras, doesn't it?

Major League Baseball has been quiet lately, as plans for contraction are on hold. In the one move this past week of note, Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the next franchise move should go to Washington, thus causing Orioles owner Peter Angelos convulsions similar to the 1989 quake. Stay tuned to this one, sports fans, and warm up the lawyers.

Mike Tyson's wife is divorcing him because of alleged infidelity. Tyson's lawyers will try and show that his wife was mentally incompetent because, hey, she married Mike Tyson, didn't she?

Hey, did anybody else forget to bring their "A-Game" to the Australian Open? I haven't seen this many seeds lost since Marcus Camby's last car accident.

And finally, seven years after the death of Howard Cosell, ABC is canceling his famous "Speaking of Sports" commentaries. That's probably a good thing, since no one will ever replace Cosell. For evidence, check out John Turturro's performance in "Monday Night Mayhem". How can Turturro be the only man in America who doesn't do a Howard Cosell impersonation?

Labels: Bears, Boxing, Bucs, NBA

King Me

For the first time ever, the basketball season in Canada has extended past hockey season. Hey, at least Canada has one sport. Right now, the only thing worth watching in Florida is last year's college football tapes.

As the NBA playoffs continue, the Western Conference appears to be heading toward the inevitable Spurs-Lakers matchup. Kobe Bryant missed practice with the Lakers on Saturday, causing the media to ask everyone even remotely involved with the team if he was causing a distraction. Well, according to McDonalds commercials, Kobe doesn't even show up for pregame warmups, so you'd have to think missing practice probably won't affect him. Without practice, Kobe still scores forty-eight and the Lakers sweep out the Kings in four games.

Adding insult to injury after the sweep, Shaquille O'Neal mentioned in his postgame comments he didn't think Chris Webber would return to Sacramento next year and the Kings would be "going back to the expansionism." Dubya jokes aside here, it does seem Shaq harbors some kind of grudge against Sacramento. Did he film "Kazaam" there or something?

Charles Barkley announced this past week he will be moving in with Michael Jordan in the offseason as the two players work out for a possible comeback. Let's see, Jordan and Barkley living together for a month. If one of the networks is interested, I think we've found the middle ground between "Reality TV" and sitcom. I see it as "Boot Camp" meets "The Odd Couple" with a little bit of "Hoop Dreams" thrown in. Check out the hijinks that occur on this week's "Just Hoopin' It" when Scottie Pippen shows up to ask about a sign-and-trade deal, but accidentally gets stuck in Mr. Roper's bathroom.

Speaking of old Bulls, former occasional NBA player Dennis Rodman celebrated his fortieth birthday this week with a celebration involving two live rock concerts and an illegal helicopter landing at his Newport Beach home. Police in riot gear responded, apparently fearing that Rodman had invited his old friend Bill Lambeer over again. Really, though, at forty, Rodman should realize his life is way past "MTV Spring Break" and is perilously approaching "The E! True Hollywood Story."

Was it only two weeks ago when the world of heavyweight boxing was turned upside-down by Hasim Rahman's surprise win over Lennox Lewis? The upset win and unheralded new champion threatened to bring new excitement to boxing, until Don King once again stepped in to return the heavyweight division to normalcy. King signed Rahman, and the discussion about Rahman's next opponent ended. Tyson? Lewis? Holyfield? Some big white guy? Bet on answer "d", fight fans, pass on the next pay-per-view, and we'll get back to you next year.

The Tampa Bay Devil Rays called a press conference this week to deny reports of a dispute among team owners that could threaten employee paychecks this month. They would have simply issued a press release, but no one had any change for the copy machine.

In the Dallas Morning News this past week, NFL Players Association executive director Gene Upshaw defended the salary cap, saying it was working in spite of the universal complaints about the system. He also said the salary cap works just as it was supposed to work, and he didn't think it was a bad system. He then left the interview and paid an out-of-work Trent Dilfer five bucks to wash his car.

And finally, the XFL has announced their second season has been cancelled. Experts are warning this may cause another slight drop in the ratings.

Labels: Boxing, MLB, NBA, NFL, XFL

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Rocky Six

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