Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Daunte's Inferno

Well, we're into football season. My newspaper's "Stats At A Glance" section says Vinny Testaverde, Curtis Martin, and Jerome Bettis all had great games. That led me to check to see if I hadn't thrown out the trash for six years, and see if I was reading a sports section from 1998.

Tampa Bay receiver Joey Galloway dropped a touchdown pass, and knocked himself out for several weeks with an injury. As Dallas fans can verify, this means Galloway is already in mid- season form.

Fistful Fantasy Football Tip: Try and trade for Daunte Culpepper. Offer Jay Fiedler, Rex Grossman, a player to be named later, a kidney, naming rights to your house, a free ride on Boardwalk, and whatever else you can find.

I watched the first episode of "The Benefactor," the reality TV show where Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban makes people do weird stunts. He cut a girl for refusing to play air guitar, then another because she lost a game of Jenga. Finally, he challenged them to play defense, and wound up cutting Christian Laettner.

It's a very strange show where for a million dollars, sixteen people put themselves at the whim of Cuban. I can see why he wanted to do this, though. For a relatively small investment, he gets to toy with reality. It's like Cuban's own personal SIMS game.

Just in case any of you were locked in a bio-dome for the last few months, ESPN celebrated it's twenty-fifth anniversary. In honor of itself, the network announced the greatest everythings of the last twenty-five years. See, that's what's wrong with America. ESPN is only paying attention to things that occurred during its lifetime. What kind of attitude is that? "If it happened before I was born, dude, it doesn't matter." Super Bowl III? Never happened. Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth? Their records are history, brother. Muhammad Ali who?

This kind of lack of attention to history is why our kids are so stupid, and they think Henry Kissinger would make a great name for an emo band. High school students not only don't remember Vietnam, they haven't even watched "Platoon."

Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco was arrested last night in Oakland after throwing a chair at a fan, and accidentally breaking another woman's nose in the crowd. That's just par for the course for the Rangers bullpen. They've struggled with their accuracy all season.

Mets manager Art Howe wants to be fired immediately. At least Mets fans and management have all found something they can agree on.

Reports say Howe will be let go at the end of the season, and he says he doesn't want to wait. The Mets have finished last in the NL East the last two years, and lead last-place Montreal by two and a half games this season. While that kind of improvement gets noticed in Kansas City, it will get you canned in New York.

And speaking of Montreal, the hurricanes caused Major League Baseball to move the Expos-Marlins series to Chicago. That settles it, baseball must be performing top-secret stress tests on the Expos on behalf of the Pentagon. They play their home games in two different countries, neither of them America. Now they're even playing their road games in randomly selected cities. Next, they'll make them travel to away games in the van from "Bad News Bears In Breaking Training."

It's a new tradition for NASCAR. This year, the top ten points leaders will compete for the Nextel Cup in the "Chase For The Championship." While they go for the prize, the other drivers will be competing in the "Detroit Tigers Invitational."

Labels: Bucs, ESPN, Mavericks, MLB, NASCAR, NFL

Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline

Our Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline:

Wednesday - It is announced that due to security concerns, Super Bowl attendees will not be allowed to park in San Diego. They will have to leave their cars parked on the Baja Peninsula and walk across the border.

Thursday - A sweep of the Super Bowl results in the arrest and deportation of sixty-two illegal immigrants, five foreign nationals, and the cast of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period."

Saturday night, 8:30pm (Central Time) - Raiders coach Bill Callahan correctly identifies center Barret Robbins as "The Mole."

Super Bowl Sunday, 7:00am - Raider fans begin trying to pass through security. New rules state no weapons and nothing made of metal can be brought into the stadium. The check-point quickly resembles trying to run security at Thunderdome.

12:58pm - As their pregame show concludes, ESPN analysts give their picks. Sterling Sharpe predicts since the season had a record number of overtime games, this will be the first Super Bowl to go to OT. He picks Tampa Bay to win 13-9 in overtime. This is followed by a moment of stunned silence as everyone wonders how to win a game by four points in overtime.

12:59pm - Shannon Sharpe comes over to the ESPN set to make fun of his brother.

2:47pm - Magicians Penn & Teller are shown making their prediction for Super Bowl score and MVP, which will be suspended from a pole and guarded by U.S. Marines until after the game. Foreign countries watching the Super Bowl are puzzled at America's military strategy, which apparently involves dispatching armed troops to guard a pickle jar in Times Square.

4:58pm - Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr. ask us if we're ready for some football. By the way, Rock and Williams throw the second-least popular Super Bowl party, trailing only the annual "Ray Lewis Memorial Back Alley Bash."

5:01pm - Melissa Stark informs us that ABC has tracked down Raider center Barret Robbins' whereabouts to either a local hospital, a plane flight home, or "a city that starts with a 'B'."

5:03pm - Arnold Schwarzenegger provides a lame tie-in to the upcoming Terminator sequel. Not to be trivial here, but it just doesn't make any sense. Every time they send a cyborg back through time, the model looks ten years older than the last one. That's why the machines will never win, kids.

5:12pm - Celine Dion, a Canadian, sings "God Bless America." In other news, Lee Greenwood will be performing at this year's CFL Grey Cup.

5:26pm - Super Bowl XXXVII starts with the kickoff, brought to you by Pepsi, the Osbournes, and the letter "d".

5:33pm - Sebastian Janikowski's field goal gives the Raiders the first points of the ballgame.

5:35pm - Raider Nation is officially admitted to the United Nations.

5:36pm - At this point, Al Michaels has already used the words "obligatory," "alacrity," and "consternation." John Madden has used the words "whoomp," "clobber," and "whup."

5:45pm - Martin Gramatica ties the game with a field goal.

5:51pm - In a marketing tie-in, Rich Gannon is sacked by the Incredible Hulk.

6:05pm - Tampa Bay receives their first penalty. An on-screen graphic indicates this illegal shift was brought to you by Budweiser, The Matrix, and Rogaine.

6:18pm - Brad Johnson's thirty yard pass attempt to Keyshawn Johnson is knocked down by the no-fly zone.

6:19pm - Tampa Bay's second field goal makes it 6-3. Bettors who predicted a defensive struggle smile with much the same confidence of people in 2001 who had their life savings in Enron stock.

6:24pm - A commercial airs for next weekend's Pro Bowl and NHL All-Star game, neither of which will feature anyone from today's game.

6:25pm - In an attempt to jump-start their offense, Oakland goes to the no-huddle offense. An on-screen graphic indicates Oakland's lack of huddle is brought to you by Sierra Mist, Charlie's Angels, and long walks in the sunset.

6:40pm - Oakland has had the ball six times and only gained thirty yards. Raider Nation gets uppity.

6:57pm - Tampa Bay scores again, to make it 20-3. The Bucs number one defense looks as good as advertised. The Raiders number one offense, however, looks like Number Two.

7:02pm - The first half ends. MVP Rich Gannon has thrown for 56 yards with two interceptions. The NFL runs a promo where Don Cheadle angrily says 56 yards passing won't win anybody a Super Bowl.

7:11pm - The half-time show begins, brought to you by Cadillac, the klez virus, and Shania Twain's wardrobe.

7:15pm - Shania Twain sings a song with the chorus, "It can only go up from here." She does not mention any of the Oakland Raiders specifically by name.

7:18pm - While on break, Raider Nation conquers France.

7:22pm - Halftime concludes as Sting joins No Doubt on stage for a spirited version of his song, "Message In A Bottle." Who'd have thought that at halftime, the veteran taking advantage of the big stage and giving his most inspired performance in years would be Sting and not one of the Raiders?

7:30pm - A seventeenth promo for "Alias" is interrupted by the second-half kickoff, giving Oakland a chance to make a statement and retake the momentum.

7:49pm - After going three-and-out, the Raiders defense gives up an eighty-nine yard drive for a touchdown. As far as making statements go, the Raiders just said "Take my money, but please don't hurt me."

7:50pm - Martin Gramatica's extra point makes it 27-3, Tampa Bay. America sees what else is on.

8:09pm - After a Tampa Bay interception for a touchdown, millions of Americans lose interest in the game, flipping the TV over to VH1 to watch the Behind The Music special on the Raiders. "They had the league MVP and were favored to win the Super Bowl, but behind the scenes, things were falling apart."

8:13pm - Raider fans arrive at their seats after finally removing all their weapons and metal objects. Sadly, many of them are now naked, wearing only black and silver paint.

8:27pm - Oakland blocks a punt and returns it for a touchdown, ending the possibility of a historically significant Super Bowl butt-whipping.

8:47pm - Jerry Rice scores on the same deep slant pass he's scored on in every Super Bowl.

8:49pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's call on the extra point. The challenge fails.

8:50pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's mother.

9:06pm - A touchdown from Derrick Brooks officially ends the competitive portion of the Super Bowl. The NFL passes out the championship hats and shirts, and makes arrangements to drive Jon Gruden home.

9:12pm - The Bucs add their third defensive touchdown of the night. Oakland's offense now trails Tampa Bay's defense, 21-14.

9:16pm - Super Bowl XXXVII ends. Bon Jovi gets defrosted, while Tim Brown and Rich Gannon go back on ice again.

9:55pm - In Times Square, Penn & Teller reveal they correctly predicted not only the final score and the MVP, but also Rich Gannon's QB Rating and the whereabouts of Barret Robbins.

11:58pm - In his underground bunker, Al Davis vows revenge. Not only did he lose the Super Bowl, he has just realized that next year's first round pick he got for Jon Gruden is now the worst pick in the draft.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: Bucs, NFL, Raiders, Super Bowl Timelines

Stars And Bars

The meaningless exhibition season is now officially over. We've finished the NBA All-Star Game, NHL All-Star Game, NFL Pro Bowl, and Cincinnati Bengals 2001 season. Now things start to matter again.

NBA All-Star game MVP Kobe Bryant seemed surprised to be booed in his hometown of Philadelphia. Didn't he pay attention growing up in Philly? If the Philly fans have no compunctions about cheering injuries and booing Santa Claus, why would they hold back on a guy who's been living two time zones away for the last six years? Clearly I think the sentiment here was if Kobe were a true Philadelphia soul, he'd boo himself.

The real All-Star hero is turning out to be Minnesota forward Kevin Garnett. Garnett is giving ten thousand fans at the next Timberwolves game a free soda or beer to celebrate his All-Star appearance. By the way, Garnett has also just been elected to next year's Pro Bowl, U.S. Hockey team, Real World cast, WNBA All-Star game, IROC, and Minnesota legislature.

It appears that baseball contraction is about as dead as plans to remove the American League pennant from the Yankees clubhouse. The Montreal Expos have now been sold to the other 29 baseball owners, thus giving them the exact same motivation to win as the Washington Generals. And in spite of begging for the Kervorkian treatment, the Minnesota Twins have been forced to play this year by their Metrodome landlord. Savor, if you will, the exquisite irony of the best-laid plans of Bud Selig being undone by Stanley Roper. In this offseason, Selig has been outsmarted by both an ex-professional wrestler and an inanimate object. It doesn't take an act of Congress to determine the weakest link. Although come to think of it, that might happen, too.

The 2001-2002 NFL season is now over, as the Pro Bowl is in the books. The Pro Bowl is traditionally the weakest of the All-Star games, a game where everybody just lines up and doesn't try too hard. Or as Randy Moss calls it, "Sunday."

Oakland Raiders defensive tackle Darrell Russell is disputing the claims of a woman who said he raped her, saying among other things, the woman bragged about posing for Playboy Magazine. I know this is a serious issue, but if the American legal system agrees being naked in Playboy is a suitable defense for rape, this country is going to be thrown into anarchy so fast it'll make your head spin. Hefner's mansion is going to look like the last days of the Alamo.

And finally, why does everything weird in America seem to happen in Florida? Voter controversy, immigrant problems, soccer contraction, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and now the Buccaneers coaching search. Since firing the only coach to ever make the franchise a consistent winner, the Bucs have missed on hiring their top three choices to replace him. Usually top-level decisions this bad are proceeded by many hours of document shredding. Tampa Bay wanted a new coach to take them in a different direction, unfortunately that direction turned out to be similar to that of a skydiving rhinoceros.

Labels: Bucs, MLB, NFL, Raiders

The Cuban Blizzard Crisis

Well, the NBA has certainly showed Mark Cuban, eh? For his comments about officiating, the Mavericks owner received a fine, a reprimand, and free television time on every news and sports show from "SportsCenter" to "Wake Up Waukegan". Cuban's smiling face serving up soft-serve ice cream to fans was on every major and minor media outlet across the country. That'll show Cuban the NBA means business. With his next infraction, they should tattoo his face just below Britney Spears' navel.

The playoffs are over in Chicago. The Bears lost to Philadelphia, and the closest the Bulls will get to the playoffs was playing on the same day as the Bears. During the season, a lot of people wondered why playoff-bound Chicago would be mentioned as a possible destination for quarterback Drew Bledsoe. The names "Miller and Matthews" would be the answer to their unasked questions. It doesn't matter if your quarterbacks are Jim and Shane or Steve and Dave, when you're down by nine late in the fourth quarter and still running on first down, you need to keep looking.

Meanwhile across town, the Bulls put on a shooting display so awful, they were very nearly outscored by Michael Jordan's statue. With Jordan playing in his first game back, the Bulls welcomed him by missing their first thirteen shots and shooting worse than any NBA team in almost fifty years. The Bulls did put a lot of pressure on Jordan, however, especially in the postgame press conference where he had to be polite in his remarks about them.

So here are the final point spreads for this weekend's games: Brett Favre's interceptions by three over Elvis Grbac. Michael Jordan over the Baltimore Ravens by six. Bears over Michael Jordan by three. Rams defense over Green Bay by four. Rams over the Bulls (through three) by eight. Allen Iverson over the Rams by thirteen.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers received a helping of Tuna Surprise this week, as Bill Parcells announced he would not be coming out of retirement to coach the Bucs. This leaves the Bucs with no leadership and no game plan for next season. In the NFL, this situation normally calls for George Seifert to be fired.

In other news from the NBA, the Hornets are expected to bolt from Charlotte in the offseason, becoming the New Orleans Hornets. Sounds like some kind of venereal disease you bring back from Mardi Gras, doesn't it?

Major League Baseball has been quiet lately, as plans for contraction are on hold. In the one move this past week of note, Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the next franchise move should go to Washington, thus causing Orioles owner Peter Angelos convulsions similar to the 1989 quake. Stay tuned to this one, sports fans, and warm up the lawyers.

Mike Tyson's wife is divorcing him because of alleged infidelity. Tyson's lawyers will try and show that his wife was mentally incompetent because, hey, she married Mike Tyson, didn't she?

Hey, did anybody else forget to bring their "A-Game" to the Australian Open? I haven't seen this many seeds lost since Marcus Camby's last car accident.

And finally, seven years after the death of Howard Cosell, ABC is canceling his famous "Speaking of Sports" commentaries. That's probably a good thing, since no one will ever replace Cosell. For evidence, check out John Turturro's performance in "Monday Night Mayhem". How can Turturro be the only man in America who doesn't do a Howard Cosell impersonation?

Labels: Bears, Boxing, Bucs, NBA

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Daunte's Inferno

Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline

Stars And Bars

The Cuban Blizzard Crisis