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1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Rolled Tide
Convicted Alabama booster Logan Young was found dead in his home, this past week, the victim of a brutal homicide. Young's recruitment of players for the Crimson Tide led to Alabama losing scholarships and missing bowl appearances. The field of suspects in the case has been narrowed to every man, woman, and child living in the state of Alabama.
In lieu of flowers, the family asks that contributions be made directly to the "Roll Tide Tailbacks Fund".
The Ricky Williams era has ended in the NFL. In spite of his on-field accomplishments, I will remember Ricky more for being the NFL albatross, signifying the eternal torment of every head coach foolish enough to deal with him. Mike Ditka went from legendary head coach to legendary erectile dysfunction sufferer, and Dave Wannstedt is probably headed for every drop of disgrace entitled to a coach who followed Don Shula and Jimmy Johnson. Who knew Ricky had personal problems? I mean other than anybody who saw him in the wedding dress.
Everybody talks about Ricky Williams being so durable, and how he carried the ball more in the last two years than any other running back. Is that supposed to be some kind of incentive for him to come back? "Gee, Ricky, we were really counting on you again this year. We're planning another quarterback controversy between the guy we never liked and the guy who's never been a starter before, and we went out and signed a professional bodybuilder masquerading as a wide receiver to help us. Why wouldn't you want to come back?"
Ricky has admitted to failing an NFL drug test, and also to being friends with Snoop Dogg. Actually, just being in the same car with Snoop Dogg is enough to register positive for drugs. Hangin' with Snoop is usually a sign things are about to go Sizz-outh.
And speaking of Miami, Shaquille O'Neal is going there. First thought: Great, can he play running back?
The best thing about the Shaq signing was the entrance. He comes into town in a black eighteen wheel truck with thousands of people cheering him, with "SHAQ IN BLACK" logos everywhere. Wow. Ric Flair never had that good of an entrance. My favorite part of the opening press conference was when the NBA went ahead and gave Shaq the starting center position for the Eastern Conference All-Star team for the next five years.
Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant resigns with the Lakers, lending them enough star power to attract players like...uh...help me out here. Gary Payton? Vlade Divac? Signing Gary Payton is like getting a really good prize in a box of Cracker Jacks, except the box is from 1996. And Vlade Divac is the kind of signing you don't really want to call a press conference to announce. You normally find that transaction on the back page of the sports section, underneath "Tank McNamara" and the bowling beer-league pictures.
Signing Vlade Divac should serve notice to the Los Angeles Lakers they are no longer Hollywood "A-List" material. When the Lakers throw a party, they will no longer get Jack Nicholson and Brad Pitt. Now, courtside shots will feature Greg Evigan and various ex-reality TV stars.
Seriously, Vlade Divac? Really? Vlade has reached the point where he's not an upgrade, or even a grade of any sort. They showed footage of when the Lakers originally drafted Vlade, and the footage was in black and white. Now he's just a giant hundred-year-old clone of Yakov Smirnoff, stumbling around the court, making some nice passes and tripping on things. I swear I saw him smoking at the free throw line last season.
Lance Armstrong has won yet another Tour De France. It's a shame it's over, because I was really enjoying talking to hundreds of people at work who follow bicycle racing religiously, even though they haven't ridden a bike since they were twelve. Tell me again, oh overweight office manager, about how Lance saves his strength to excel in the mountain stages. Please, share with me your insight on Lance's strategy in the time trial, you chain-smoking car salesman. Use words like "peloton" correctly, I dare you.
Armstrong has had to face accusations of steroid use this year, even though he has never failed a drug test and his accusers have no evidence. Even with the French media harassing him at every turn and convicting him without benefit of trial or evidence, Armstrong remains a gentleman in his rebuttals. Unlike that Barry Bonds jerk, who we all know is juicing.
Florida State's two national championship trophies were stolen a few weeks ago. I don't know who took them, but I did bet Adrian McPherson $100 that they'd turn up by the start of the season.
The Dallas Mavericks have made a trade for Christian Laettner, and NBA experts predict the Mavs aren't finished trading. Of course not. Any time you make a trade for Christian Laettner, you have ulterior motives.
The Rush Limbaugh era on ESPN lasted all of four weeks. Limbaugh has resigned from ESPN Countdown after making remarks about Donovan McNabb being overrated by the media because he is a "black quarterback." This means we'll miss Limbaugh's scheduled diatribe, "Why The Liberal Sports Media Is Biased In Favor Of Tony Gonzalez."
Limbaugh's resignation is a tough break for ESPN. Where will they ever find somebody who never played sports, but is willing to shout out their uninformed opinions on the NFL? I mean, besides five million sports-talk radio callers.
Limbaugh railed about how McNabb was overrated, then McNabb went out and carved up the Buffalo defense for Philly's first win. Things couldn't have looked worse for Rush if McNabb had thrown 3 TD passes to Bill Clinton.
I, for one, am staggered by the sheer amount of celestial irony in Limbaugh complaining about how the media has taken something out of context and blown it up. That's like Larry Flynt calling something "tasteless," or Joan Rivers telling us who's had too much plastic surgery.
All in all, it's been a fun season in the NFL so far. Baltimore's Jamal Lewis set the single-game rushing record against the Browns. After the game, Ray Lewis threw him a party that all of the other Ravens were too terrified to attend.
Terrell Owens exploded during the Niners loss to Minnesota. After the game, coach Dennis Erickson said he had spoken to Owens. "He knows where I'm coming from," Erickson said. To be specific, that location is 1-3, 32-36 overall, and way over his head in San Francisco.
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady threw three interceptions against the Redskins. The Patriots lost, but luckily, he had benched himself on his fantasy football team.
Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski missed the first game of his sixteen-year career because of a concussion. It's hard to believe with all of the supplements Romo takes, he couldn't find something for a headache, eh? Maybe Rush Limbaugh could share.
Bill Parcells returned to Giants Stadium Sunday for the first time in two weeks, and the Cowboys beat the Jets. With the Cowboys 2-0 in Giant Stadium while the Giants and Jets are just 1-3, maybe the New York teams should think about some kind of "Trading Spaces" arrangement. The way things are going, it may be safer for the Jets to play their home games somewhere else anyway.
Even though he's still three sacks shy of Reggie White's all-time record, Bruce Smith has already been paid for it. Thanks to a reworked contract, Smith has already been paid his bonus for breaking the record. I guess everyone figures if Smith gets close enough to the record, Brett Favre will just fall down three times and give it to him.
The Atlanta Falcons have suspended cornerback Tyrone Williams after a tirade against one of his coaches. He was punished for "conduct detrimental to the team." Hey, the Falcons are 1-3, whose conduct is really helping all that much?
The NFL set an attendance record for a single weekend when 1.09 million tickets were sold opening weekend. Of course, there are more teams than ever before. Also, on opening weekend fans aren't aware the Jets and Bears have already been mathematically eliminated.
Albert Pujols won the closest National League batting title ever by beating Todd Helton by .00022. Coincidentally enough, that same figure was Jermaine's Dye's batting average.
Police arrested a woman who was stealing a toilet seat from Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. The woman apparently wanted a souvenir from the stadium following the last Phillies game at the Vet. Philadelphia sports fans have always shown that kind of ingenuity. Why just buy a license plate frame when you can steal a more authentic keepsake, preferably something with urine all over it? Why just throw a snowball, when you can hurl a frozen D battery? Why just rough up an out-of-town fan when you can break Santa Claus' leg? Philly is just another level of sports fan.
Converse has brought out a new line of sneaker called the "Loaded Weapon." Critics are condemning the shoes as glorifying violence. Thank goodness Converse didn't go through with their initial plans to call it the "Jayson Williams Party Shoe."
The ACC is adding a few members next season, but it's not doing its current members any favors. The football schedule drawn up will require Wake Forest, North Carolina, NC State, and Virginia to play Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State for the next two years. That's nice hospitality, eh? That's like staging a housewarming party and letting your new neighbors take turns kicking you in the groin and tracking mud all over your house.
There are just a few days remaining until baseball attempts the suicide squeeze. Collect those Montreal Expos souvenirs now, sports fans.
The two sides have made some progress, agreeing on drug testing for the players for the next two years. Of course, this is only a stopgap measure. By next season, the Tigers and Royals will be complaining that the Yankees players are testing positive for more expensive drugs than their players.
One of the problems people have is identifying the problems, as watching Baseball Tonight has suddenly become as tedious as lip- reading C-SPAN. I watched a debate on the luxury tax and revenue sharing the other day. Both sides were well-informed and backed up their position very eloquently. I guess. I mean, within the first three minutes, I was bored out of my mind and scanning to see if "South Park" or "Jackass" was on. The leisurely pace of the negotiations seems to really frustrate baseball fans. If Bud Selig had directed "Field Of Dreams," the guys would have died of old age again by the time they came out of the cornfield.
For the first time ever, Major League baseball streamed an entire game on the internet, showing the Rangers and Yankees this past week. The broadcast reportedly went well, although people with slow internet connections complained the Rangers' pitches didn't appear to be moving at all. Bud Selig said the experiment was a success, then announced plans to contract the internet in 2003.
A jury decided this week that the Florida Marlins were not liable for an eye injury suffered by a fan struck by a flying T-shirt at one of their games. Of course, it probably didn't help that the poor guy was the only guy sitting in left field, and had to lie there for an hour until someone else wandered into his section.
Insert your own joke here: The Texas Rangers announced this week that pitcher John Rocker, who is on the disabled list, would have a nerve test this week. Who's got more nerve than John Rocker? That's like testing Barry Bonds for ego.
The NBA has signed a deal to televise its games in Spanish for the next three years. The agreement calls for Telemundo to receive 15 regular season games, a weekly talk show, and three Laker victory parades.
College football is underway, and this year there's more to play for in Florida than just the National Championship. Florida, Florida State, and Miami are playing for the Florida Cup, a state trophy that sounds like it's taken from Anita Bryant's closet. Like Florida schools needed anything else to hate each other? Giving the team that beats their two biggest rivals a trophy is like presenting the Super Bowl winners with a twenty-dollar Wal- Mart gift certificate. Sometimes the joy is in the winning. And if it's not, it's certainly in the trash talking, gloating, and recruiting advantages.
In other college football news, the Big 12 Conference has announced a tie-in with the Humanitarian Bowl, giving the conference an unprecedented eight Bowl spots for twelve teams. Since pretty much everybody that beats Baylor will get a Bowl game if they're eligible, look for the Big 12 preconference schedules to continue to be easier to get through than Byron Hanspard's last semester at Texas Tech.
The Denver Broncos wound up having to pay for damages resulting from a prank on their rookies. After rookies were covered with flour and maple syrup, they sprayed a fire extinguisher into Shannon Sharpe's dorm room, causing up to three thousand dollars in damages. The team announced they would pay for all damages, as well as any others resulting from someone trying to shut Shannon Sharpe up.
Former Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton was sentenced this week to thirty months in prison on a federal drug trafficking charge after getting caught twice this past year hauling marijuana. Nate pled guilty as part of a plea bargain, which also granted him immunity for fifteen years of holding penalties. Former Falcon/Niner/ Cowboy/Redskin/Member of Hammer's Posse Deion Sanders was a character witness for Newton, saying afterwards that he felt financial pressures led Newton to the illegal activity. You know, it doesn't say much for Newton's agent that he could play in the USFL and fifteen years in the NFL and still not have enough cash to pay his bills without having to make "Smokey and the Bandit Meets Cheech and Chong" pot runs across the lower forty-eight. After sixteen years of pro football, I would hope retirement is more relaxation and less "Midnight Express," wouldn't you?
And finally, Gus Frerotte has won the starting quarterback job with the Cincinnati Bengals. Frerotte (7-8 as a starter, 0-1 vs. stadiums) proved all of his critics wrong when they said he'd never be a starting quarterback in the NFL again. You know, it's not the first time that people have underestimated Jon Kitna.
I'd like to start this column with apologies to all my readers. Last week, I tried to make my jokes a bit longer than usual, but apparently my attempts to "Tiger-proof" the Fistful of Sports were unsuccessful. With his third Masters victory, Tiger Woods now has more green jackets than a color-blind used car salesman.
The Masters started badly, as Sam Snead teed off the ceremonial first shot into the gallery. A spectator was hit squarely in the face by the teeshot. The man then placed his face up for auction at www.SamSneadHitMeInTheFace.com, and made enough money to pay off his student loan.
Speaking of the merchandising outbreak, a piece of gum chewed by Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez has become a national obsession, with bidding reaching $4,000. At one point the Topps company was among the bidders, but they backed out when a question arose as to the authenticity of the gum. Yeah, four grand for Gonzo's chewed gum is completely understandable, but they got squeamish when they felt like they were getting ripped off.
I would actually think for their own good, a company like Topps would want to step in and establish firmly that used gum is not a collectible item. If you're in doubt, just apply this simple rule: Anything that has been inside someone else's mouth is not collectible. No wait, let's expand that, I'd hate to see somebody selling a "World Series Tumor" or "All-Star Appendix" on eBay. Let's just make the simple rule that anything that's been inside the skin is out of the question as merchandising.
New York Yankees fans have filed a lawsuit to try and resolve a dispute between the team's network and a cable company so they can watch the Yankees games. In a related story, thousands of Florida baseball fans are suing a Miami cable company, seeking to get the Marlins games off their televisions.
In the National Basketball Association, the Hornets have reportedly violated league policy by using falsified attendance numbers to try and influence the league to let them move from Charlotte. Come to find out, the Hornets have also been underestimating the size of their locker rooms, jumbo dogs, and Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
The regular season is over for the National Hockey League, and the Detroit Red Wings won the President's Cup for the most regular season points. Actually, the Red Wings clinched home ice advantage sometime while "Rollerball" was still showing in theatres, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Vancouver is a dangerous first-round opponent though, especially for a team as old as the Red Wings. Games in the Pacific time zone begin right about the time that people the age of the Red Wings are wrapping up dinner, turning off "Matlock" and going to bed.
And finally, a New Orleans newspaper is reporting LSU illegally tutored a player last semester. The NCAA rules state prospective student-athletes are prohibited from receiving tutoring from the athletic department. Why is this even a rule? Apparently the NCAA wants to make sure the dumb guys you recruited are the same dumb guys who show up for school.
As seen on The Sporting News website! Published there December 7, 2002.
Congratulations to the University of Miami on their National Championship season. The last two years have shown us the BCS system works fine, as long as there is only one undefeated team at the end of the season. We need polls, surveys, and computer programmers to tell us this? A survey this inefficient usually comes with government funding. Over the last two years, it seems like we're finally getting momentum for a national playoff series. The thing is, people want the playoff to determine who's the number two team in the nation.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #1: Spurrier left the University of Florida because he knew he'd get the Minnesota job after Dennis Green orchestrated his own firing so he could join Destiny's Child.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #2: Spurrier left the University of Florida to take over in San Diego, where he will put offensive coordinator Norv Turner out of a job. This is all part of Turner's master plan, however, as Turner then goes to Las Vegas with eleven pals to rob three casinos in one night.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #3: Spurrier leaving the University of Florida to go to the NFL is just a ruse to hide his true intentions. Spurrier, Dennis Green, Mike Riley, and George Seifert will be traveling across the country protecting a magic ring from evil forces.
Congratulations to Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, for gift-wrapping the NFL quarterback sack record and handing it to Michael Strahan. With all due respect to Strahan, that sack record couldn't have been more of a set-up if the LAPD was involved. And weren't you a little bit surprised to see Mark Gastineau on the sidelines without a state trooper chained to him?
While the NFL is busy handing out fines for things they deem harmful to football such as touchdown dances and improper socks, can we see some fines levied against Philadelphia and Tampa Bay for that glorified exhibition game they played Sunday night? I understand wanting to play it safe for the playoffs, but I was just a Keanu Reeves sighting away from declaring this match-up a strike game. I actually saw an on-screen graphic that referred to Rod (He Hate Me) Smart's rushing totals in the XFL. This marks the first time I've ever seen a statistic involving the XFL that didn't mention television ratings.
Jim Mora announced in his tearful press conference he was "not going to quit." Hey, when did we let 6-10 coaches make the call on whether or not to continue? Try that one at work, kids. Announce to your boss and anyone else listening that your work has dropped off 25% from last year, but you're not going to quit. Let me know how that works for you, I think I'll just stick to "O'Leary-ing" my resume, thanks.
In the NBA, Kenyon Martin has discovered how to make friends and influence people, eh? Young players have to realize that the NBA rules have a good bit of fluidity to them. There are certain things you can't do to the game's stars. And there are certain things you can only get away with doing to Karl Malone.
In college basketball this week, eleven of the top twenty-five teams in the nation lost. America now officially takes a nap, and sets the snooze for March Madness.
In baseball, David Wells is poised to return to the Yankees. Reportedly all that keeps the deal from being completed is a delay in Wells taking a physical exam. There's no worry about any injuries, rather it's just hard finding someone who doesn't mind seeing David Wells naked.
The Minnesota Twins have taken the bold step of offering a two-year contract to new manager Ron Gardenhire, which for Gardenhire, appears to be a situation as risky as allowing a Backstreet Boy to purchase something on long-term credit. The Twins have also scheduled their spring training games, starting February 27 against the Cincinnati Reds, followed by games against the California Bears, Springfield Isotopes, and Charlie Brown's team.
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