Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

By Any Other Name

An Illinois judge has ruled that a Chicago Bears fan who lost a Super Bowl bet to change his name cannot legally become "Peyton Manning." Scott Weise lost the bet after signing a pledge in front of a bar full of people. However, Judge Katherine McCarthy says a name change to the same moniker as the Super Bowl MVP would be too confusing.

So for now, lucky Bears fan Scott Weise can go back to the name his friends know him by, "Joe Dumbass."

Labels: Colts, NFL

Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI Timeline

Your official Super Bowl XLI timeline:

1:00pm - The pregame for Super Bowl XLI begins, brought to you by Chrysler, a CBS show that won't last long, and yet another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all of the characters.

1:01pm - CBS analysts reveal the gametime forecast for Miami calls for "intermittent showers". "Intermittent" in this case meaning more like "begin assembling two of each animal."

2:31pm - A pregame feature on the quarterbacks of Super Bowl XLI shows that at his current pace, Colts QB Peyton Manning will reach the NFL Hall of Fame. Conversely, Bears QB Rex Grossman is currently on pace to have a lousy day, miss the playoffs next year, and be out of football and working at a Hardee's in Jackson, Tennessee by 2009.

2:48pm - Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, who was arrested during the season for having six unlicensed handguns and more than 500 rounds of ammunition, begins his two-hour trip through security.

3:15pm - Former Colts running back Edgerrin James does a pregame interview where he says he's happy for his former teammates, then weeps quietly into his perpetually 5-and-11 official Arizona Cardinals crying towel.

3:48pm - The festivities begin on the field, introduced by Gloria Estefan. As far as Miami cultural icons go, she's right up there with Dan Marino, Elian Gonzalez, and Al Pacino in "Scarface".

5:17pm - New York's piano man Billy Joel sings the national anthem, proving my earlier point about Miami not having any icons.

5:27pm - On the opening kickoff, Bears rookie Devin Hester returns the kick for a touchdown. Tony Dungy becomes the first black coach ever in the Super Bowl to bite through his own tongue.

5:31pm - Miami Police detain Tank Johnson during his player introduction.

5:34pm - CBS analyst Phil Simms gives his keys to the game. Surprisingly, one of them is "Don't kick the ball to Devin Hester, because he'll run it back for a touchdown."

5:36pm - Colts QB Peyton Manning throws a pass that's intercepted.

5:39pm - Bears QB Rex Grossman throws a pass that's almost intercepted, leading analysts to point out that Manning is far more accurate with his throws.

5:43pm - Phil Simms uses the telestrator to show how Chicago is trying to deny Peyton Manning the long pass. The Bears are lining up their safeties deep, one in the end zone and the other lined up six rows deep in the stands shielded by a beer vendor.

5:47pm - Peyton Manning throws a 53 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne.

5:49pm - In a marketing tie-in, the Colts elect to Fed Ex the ball to the Bears, rather than kick off.

5:52pm - Thomas Jones runs for 52 yards to set up a touchdown for Chicago.

5:56pm - A new ad campaign for Snickers tells you it's okay for a man to kiss another man for a Snickers bar. It sure seems to be an ad for homosexual prostitution, and not so much for the candy.

6:04pm - The Colts recover the fourth turnover of the quarter. It appears to be raining butter in Miami, from the way they're dropping the ball.

6:32pm - CBS's Jim Nantz mentions flunking out of meteorology school, to which Phil Simms replies, "You should have given the teacher an apple to get her to pass you." Millions of Americans start to wonder what the Hell decade Phil Simms grew up in, since nobody's brought their teacher an apple since "Leave It To Beaver" went off the air.

6:50pm - The Colts fumble again. Not to be outdone, the Bears regift the ball back on the next play.

6:56pm - Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal, sending us to halftime with Indianapolis up 16-14.

7:06pm - The Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show begins, brought to you by Pepsi, the NFL Network, and Prince's hair wrap.

7:07pm - Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his "Purple Rain" soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.

7:13pm - The halftime show features Prince playing songs by Prince, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, and the Foo Fighters. Is this Prince, or Stars on 45?

7:21pm - Millions of sports fans wonder why if Prince and his dancers can perform on a wet stage in high heels without slipping, their team just can't hang on to the damn ball.

7:47pm - Rex Grossman falls down in the backfield for a sack, then fumbles the next snap. The Bears take second down and one, and turn it into fourth down and twelve, thus proving the old adage, "When life gives you crap, make crap-ade out of it."

7:59pm - Kevin Federline appears in the most memorable commercial of the night, for something or other.

8:21pm - Rex Grossman makes the worst pass in a Super Bowl since Steven Tyler tried to pick up Britney Spears at halftime of Super Bowl XXXV. The Colts score.

8:31pm - With the lead 29-17 for Indianapolis, Rex Grossman responds to the pressure by finding an open receiver deep, then throwing a pass so high it wounds a bird. The Colts can't help but make an interception.

8:46pm - The Bears fail to complete a fourth down situation, thus ending the competitive portion of our game.

8:58pm - Colts win, 29-17. Peyton Manning is MVP of the game, his team, and the Manning family.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: Bears, Colts, NFL, Super Bowl Timelines

The Edge Of Nowhere

Running back Edgerrin James has left the Indianapolis Colts to sign a four-year, 30 million dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals. Edge sounded happy about the change, saying he'd be playing with an MVP quarterback, two-timer Kurt Warner. Not sure if Edge noticed he was also leaving a two-time MVP quarterback to toil in the valley of the sun, where running backs go to rush for 800 yards a year.

James has carried 2,188 times for 9,226 yards and 64 touchdowns and is the leading rusher in Colts history. Expect him to become the leading rusher in Cardinals history in week eight of next season.

In Arizona's defense, Warner is a two-time MVP. Of course, since his last MVP season, Warner has thrown for 25 interceptions, and just 21 touchdowns. Warner is an MVP in the same sense that Cuba Gooding Jr. and Marisa Tomei are Oscar winners. Yes, but not so you could tell it lately.

Labels: Cardinals, Colts, NFL

Indy Carved

Well, the oddsmakers took a beating again. The Indianapolis Colts fell in the playoffs to the superb tackling skills of Ben Roethlisberger.

A couple of NFL coaching vacancies really intrigue me. To begin with, Jim Haslett was fired as head coach of the Saints, which has to be like getting fired and thrown out of Devil's Island.

The other one is Bills coach Mike Mularkey resigning. It certainly says a lot about your franchise when someone is willing to give up and walk away from a job where only 32 of them exist on the planet.

Labels: Bills, Colts, NFL, Saints, Steelers

No Further Questions

As seen on The Sporting News website! Published there December 7, 2002.

Congratulations to the University of Miami on their National Championship season. The last two years have shown us the BCS system works fine, as long as there is only one undefeated team at the end of the season. We need polls, surveys, and computer programmers to tell us this? A survey this inefficient usually comes with government funding. Over the last two years, it seems like we're finally getting momentum for a national playoff series. The thing is, people want the playoff to determine who's the number two team in the nation.

Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #1: Spurrier left the University of Florida because he knew he'd get the Minnesota job after Dennis Green orchestrated his own firing so he could join Destiny's Child.

Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #2: Spurrier left the University of Florida to take over in San Diego, where he will put offensive coordinator Norv Turner out of a job. This is all part of Turner's master plan, however, as Turner then goes to Las Vegas with eleven pals to rob three casinos in one night.

Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #3: Spurrier leaving the University of Florida to go to the NFL is just a ruse to hide his true intentions. Spurrier, Dennis Green, Mike Riley, and George Seifert will be traveling across the country protecting a magic ring from evil forces.

Congratulations to Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, for gift-wrapping the NFL quarterback sack record and handing it to Michael Strahan. With all due respect to Strahan, that sack record couldn't have been more of a set-up if the LAPD was involved. And weren't you a little bit surprised to see Mark Gastineau on the sidelines without a state trooper chained to him?

While the NFL is busy handing out fines for things they deem harmful to football such as touchdown dances and improper socks, can we see some fines levied against Philadelphia and Tampa Bay for that glorified exhibition game they played Sunday night? I understand wanting to play it safe for the playoffs, but I was just a Keanu Reeves sighting away from declaring this match-up a strike game. I actually saw an on-screen graphic that referred to Rod (He Hate Me) Smart's rushing totals in the XFL. This marks the first time I've ever seen a statistic involving the XFL that didn't mention television ratings.

Jim Mora announced in his tearful press conference he was "not going to quit." Hey, when did we let 6-10 coaches make the call on whether or not to continue? Try that one at work, kids. Announce to your boss and anyone else listening that your work has dropped off 25% from last year, but you're not going to quit. Let me know how that works for you, I think I'll just stick to "O'Leary-ing" my resume, thanks.

In the NBA, Kenyon Martin has discovered how to make friends and influence people, eh? Young players have to realize that the NBA rules have a good bit of fluidity to them. There are certain things you can't do to the game's stars. And there are certain things you can only get away with doing to Karl Malone.

In college basketball this week, eleven of the top twenty-five teams in the nation lost. America now officially takes a nap, and sets the snooze for March Madness.

In baseball, David Wells is poised to return to the Yankees. Reportedly all that keeps the deal from being completed is a delay in Wells taking a physical exam. There's no worry about any injuries, rather it's just hard finding someone who doesn't mind seeing David Wells naked.

The Minnesota Twins have taken the bold step of offering a two-year contract to new manager Ron Gardenhire, which for Gardenhire, appears to be a situation as risky as allowing a Backstreet Boy to purchase something on long-term credit. The Twins have also scheduled their spring training games, starting February 27 against the Cincinnati Reds, followed by games against the California Bears, Springfield Isotopes, and Charlie Brown's team.

Labels: CFB, Colts, MLB, NBA, Packers

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By Any Other Name

Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI Timeline

The Edge Of Nowhere

Indy Carved

No Further Questions