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1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Dallas Cowboys In The Hood
That's something I love about living in Texas. You never know when you're going to run into two guys in a pickup truck shopping for clothes dressed as the Dallas Cowboys.
"You know how I know you're gay? I know you're gay because when I picked you up in my truck wearing my Terrell Owens jersey, you went and changed into your Tony Romo jersey so we'd match."
Okay, one day after the mess began with Terrell Owens, I think I've been able to piece together what happened.
Distraught over his non-inclusion in the second season of "Dancing With The Stars", Terrell Owens decided to rehab his broken finger by taking his pain medication, along with an entire bottle of "Miracle Gro" plant food. His agent saw him collapse under the strain of the medication, and the weight of his own ego, and immediately began to calculate the total worth of his contract and called 911. The Dallas media showed up, began to interview each other, and speculated that Owens must have been trying to kill himself, since TO must hate TO the same way the media hates TO. During this time, ESPN reported that Terrell Owens has committed suicide, and quoted him as "dying for our sins." TO went to the hospital, where he made a brief guest-appearance on "Grey's Anatomy" and checked himself out. The entire event was so jarring, Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentioned Owens by name for the first time, and TO actually showed up for practice.
TO's status for this week's game at Tennessee has been upgraded from "Suicidal" to "Probable".
Wide receiver Terrell Owens has reportedly signed a three-year deal to come to Dallas, thus setting off angry Cowboys fans everywhere swearing that Jerry Jones has again ruined their team and they'll never watch a game.
Please. Since the Dallas Cowboys drafted Michael Irvin in 1988, they've drafted a steady string of gazelle-like wideouts. That means guys who run really well, and have hooves for hands.
Do Alexander Wright, Alvin Harper, or Kevin Williams show up very often on NFL Films? Ed Hervey, Stepfret Williams, and Macey Brooks were more likely to wind up in the XFL than a three-receiver set in Dallas. Wane McGarrity and MarTay Jenkins didn't make anybody forget Dupree or Pearson, and Antonio Bryant was only noteworthy when he was crazy.
Like, antisocial crazy. Like, bad enough for Cleveland to give up on him crazy, which indicates you ain't long for the league. When you look at your roster and say, "We don't need Bryant, we've got...uh...Joe Jurevicius and Dennis Northcutt. Together, they caught as many as he did last year. We'll be fine, Antonio. You just go ahead and keep throwing towels at coaches and talking to squirrels, we got this over here."
Anyway, Cowboys fans will boo Owens all they like, until the first time he makes a touchdown against Philadelphia, or even better yet, the Redskins. Then, all will be forgotten. He could score the TD that makes Dallas a playoff team, run into the endzone, pull out Tom Landry's hat and take a crap in it, and he'd still get cheered.
Just like they did against the hated spawn of Satan and MTV, Deion Sanders. Everybody hated him for pushing the 49ers over the Cowboys in 1995, but when he came to town and clog-danced in the silver star, he was a folk hero. Nobody wants to give back Super Bowl XXX because Prime Time was a part of that team, do they?
And Owens will be fine in Dallas. For exactly fourteen months. My over/under is May 26, 2007 for the moment when the TO/Cowboys relationship cracks open under the pressure like an Arizona sidewalk. Any takers?
With the NFL season beginning tonight, and a new season of the Fistful of Sports starting as well, time for a few questions on what to expect.
Which Randy Moss are we getting? Can we count on the odd-year Moss that goes deep every time he's on the field and punishes every team that failed to draft him? Or is this an even-year Moss, where he sulks and takes plays off and gives cops free rides on the hood of his car?
If and when Vinny Testaverde goes down, are the Dallas Cowboys prepared to replace him with a quarterback of similar ability, like say Steve Deberg or Dave Kreig?
Is this the year Marvin Harrison gets the respect he deserves, or will he have to make an ass of himself in the endzone before we recognize him? And speaking of that, how's Joe Horn's mom?
Would most football fans allow Terrell Owens to call them gay if it meant they could date a Playboy Playmate just like Jeff Garcia?
Will Terrell Owens be upset when Donovan McNabb spikes the football to stop the clock, even though McNabb knew TO was open?
Does Rush Limbaugh think the media wants us all to draft McNabb for our fantasy football leagues?
In the crowd shots at Niners games, what percentage of San Francisco fans will be wearing outdated jerseys?
If Ray Lewis asked you to come back and play cornerback with the Ravens, would you do it? If Ray Lewis asked you to drive off and not talk to the cops, would you do it?
Will Jamal Lewis go to trial, and if so, does that count as an audition for season two of "Playmakers?"
Will the Redskins tire of Joe Gibbs breaking practice early every afternoon so he can make the Early Bird Special at Denny's?
Is this the year we finally know the name of somebody who plays offense for Chicago?
By the end of the year, who will hate Kellen Winslow Jr. more, his AFC rivals or his Cleveland teammates?
After putting Emmitt Smith down two years ago and then being unable to outrush him last year, is this season a special kind of hell for new Arizona backup running back Troy Hambrick?
Would you go to a party thrown by Ricky Williams and Quincy Carter? And if so, would you remember to designate a driver for your late-night munchies run to Taco Bell?
Who will Miami unsuccessfully try and replace Jay Fiedler with next year? And for that matter, has any NFL player fallen back down the ladder as fast as Brian Griese?
Will David Boston still roll up his sleeves and oil his biceps in street clothes on the sidelines?
Would anyone blame Dave Wannstedt if he started drinking out of a paper bag on the Dolphins sidelines?
Is Joe Nedney ever going to outlive the curse put on him by Steelers fans after he faked that roughing the kicker penalty in the playoffs two years ago?
Would Archie Manning refuse to allow Eli to be drafted by Alex Spanos' fantasy football team?
Will Falcons quarterback Michael Vick show us it doesn't matter how many snaps you take in preseason? Or really that it doesn't matter what play you call, what routes they run, or what the defense stunts?
The Rush Limbaugh era on ESPN lasted all of four weeks. Limbaugh has resigned from ESPN Countdown after making remarks about Donovan McNabb being overrated by the media because he is a "black quarterback." This means we'll miss Limbaugh's scheduled diatribe, "Why The Liberal Sports Media Is Biased In Favor Of Tony Gonzalez."
Limbaugh's resignation is a tough break for ESPN. Where will they ever find somebody who never played sports, but is willing to shout out their uninformed opinions on the NFL? I mean, besides five million sports-talk radio callers.
Limbaugh railed about how McNabb was overrated, then McNabb went out and carved up the Buffalo defense for Philly's first win. Things couldn't have looked worse for Rush if McNabb had thrown 3 TD passes to Bill Clinton.
I, for one, am staggered by the sheer amount of celestial irony in Limbaugh complaining about how the media has taken something out of context and blown it up. That's like Larry Flynt calling something "tasteless," or Joan Rivers telling us who's had too much plastic surgery.
All in all, it's been a fun season in the NFL so far. Baltimore's Jamal Lewis set the single-game rushing record against the Browns. After the game, Ray Lewis threw him a party that all of the other Ravens were too terrified to attend.
Terrell Owens exploded during the Niners loss to Minnesota. After the game, coach Dennis Erickson said he had spoken to Owens. "He knows where I'm coming from," Erickson said. To be specific, that location is 1-3, 32-36 overall, and way over his head in San Francisco.
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady threw three interceptions against the Redskins. The Patriots lost, but luckily, he had benched himself on his fantasy football team.
Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski missed the first game of his sixteen-year career because of a concussion. It's hard to believe with all of the supplements Romo takes, he couldn't find something for a headache, eh? Maybe Rush Limbaugh could share.
Bill Parcells returned to Giants Stadium Sunday for the first time in two weeks, and the Cowboys beat the Jets. With the Cowboys 2-0 in Giant Stadium while the Giants and Jets are just 1-3, maybe the New York teams should think about some kind of "Trading Spaces" arrangement. The way things are going, it may be safer for the Jets to play their home games somewhere else anyway.
Even though he's still three sacks shy of Reggie White's all-time record, Bruce Smith has already been paid for it. Thanks to a reworked contract, Smith has already been paid his bonus for breaking the record. I guess everyone figures if Smith gets close enough to the record, Brett Favre will just fall down three times and give it to him.
The Atlanta Falcons have suspended cornerback Tyrone Williams after a tirade against one of his coaches. He was punished for "conduct detrimental to the team." Hey, the Falcons are 1-3, whose conduct is really helping all that much?
The NFL set an attendance record for a single weekend when 1.09 million tickets were sold opening weekend. Of course, there are more teams than ever before. Also, on opening weekend fans aren't aware the Jets and Bears have already been mathematically eliminated.
Albert Pujols won the closest National League batting title ever by beating Todd Helton by .00022. Coincidentally enough, that same figure was Jermaine's Dye's batting average.
Police arrested a woman who was stealing a toilet seat from Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. The woman apparently wanted a souvenir from the stadium following the last Phillies game at the Vet. Philadelphia sports fans have always shown that kind of ingenuity. Why just buy a license plate frame when you can steal a more authentic keepsake, preferably something with urine all over it? Why just throw a snowball, when you can hurl a frozen D battery? Why just rough up an out-of-town fan when you can break Santa Claus' leg? Philly is just another level of sports fan.
Converse has brought out a new line of sneaker called the "Loaded Weapon." Critics are condemning the shoes as glorifying violence. Thank goodness Converse didn't go through with their initial plans to call it the "Jayson Williams Party Shoe."
The ACC is adding a few members next season, but it's not doing its current members any favors. The football schedule drawn up will require Wake Forest, North Carolina, NC State, and Virginia to play Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State for the next two years. That's nice hospitality, eh? That's like staging a housewarming party and letting your new neighbors take turns kicking you in the groin and tracking mud all over your house.
There are just a few days remaining until baseball attempts the suicide squeeze. Collect those Montreal Expos souvenirs now, sports fans.
The two sides have made some progress, agreeing on drug testing for the players for the next two years. Of course, this is only a stopgap measure. By next season, the Tigers and Royals will be complaining that the Yankees players are testing positive for more expensive drugs than their players.
One of the problems people have is identifying the problems, as watching Baseball Tonight has suddenly become as tedious as lip- reading C-SPAN. I watched a debate on the luxury tax and revenue sharing the other day. Both sides were well-informed and backed up their position very eloquently. I guess. I mean, within the first three minutes, I was bored out of my mind and scanning to see if "South Park" or "Jackass" was on. The leisurely pace of the negotiations seems to really frustrate baseball fans. If Bud Selig had directed "Field Of Dreams," the guys would have died of old age again by the time they came out of the cornfield.
For the first time ever, Major League baseball streamed an entire game on the internet, showing the Rangers and Yankees this past week. The broadcast reportedly went well, although people with slow internet connections complained the Rangers' pitches didn't appear to be moving at all. Bud Selig said the experiment was a success, then announced plans to contract the internet in 2003.
A jury decided this week that the Florida Marlins were not liable for an eye injury suffered by a fan struck by a flying T-shirt at one of their games. Of course, it probably didn't help that the poor guy was the only guy sitting in left field, and had to lie there for an hour until someone else wandered into his section.
Insert your own joke here: The Texas Rangers announced this week that pitcher John Rocker, who is on the disabled list, would have a nerve test this week. Who's got more nerve than John Rocker? That's like testing Barry Bonds for ego.
The NBA has signed a deal to televise its games in Spanish for the next three years. The agreement calls for Telemundo to receive 15 regular season games, a weekly talk show, and three Laker victory parades.
College football is underway, and this year there's more to play for in Florida than just the National Championship. Florida, Florida State, and Miami are playing for the Florida Cup, a state trophy that sounds like it's taken from Anita Bryant's closet. Like Florida schools needed anything else to hate each other? Giving the team that beats their two biggest rivals a trophy is like presenting the Super Bowl winners with a twenty-dollar Wal- Mart gift certificate. Sometimes the joy is in the winning. And if it's not, it's certainly in the trash talking, gloating, and recruiting advantages.
In other college football news, the Big 12 Conference has announced a tie-in with the Humanitarian Bowl, giving the conference an unprecedented eight Bowl spots for twelve teams. Since pretty much everybody that beats Baylor will get a Bowl game if they're eligible, look for the Big 12 preconference schedules to continue to be easier to get through than Byron Hanspard's last semester at Texas Tech.
The Denver Broncos wound up having to pay for damages resulting from a prank on their rookies. After rookies were covered with flour and maple syrup, they sprayed a fire extinguisher into Shannon Sharpe's dorm room, causing up to three thousand dollars in damages. The team announced they would pay for all damages, as well as any others resulting from someone trying to shut Shannon Sharpe up.
Former Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton was sentenced this week to thirty months in prison on a federal drug trafficking charge after getting caught twice this past year hauling marijuana. Nate pled guilty as part of a plea bargain, which also granted him immunity for fifteen years of holding penalties. Former Falcon/Niner/ Cowboy/Redskin/Member of Hammer's Posse Deion Sanders was a character witness for Newton, saying afterwards that he felt financial pressures led Newton to the illegal activity. You know, it doesn't say much for Newton's agent that he could play in the USFL and fifteen years in the NFL and still not have enough cash to pay his bills without having to make "Smokey and the Bandit Meets Cheech and Chong" pot runs across the lower forty-eight. After sixteen years of pro football, I would hope retirement is more relaxation and less "Midnight Express," wouldn't you?
And finally, Gus Frerotte has won the starting quarterback job with the Cincinnati Bengals. Frerotte (7-8 as a starter, 0-1 vs. stadiums) proved all of his critics wrong when they said he'd never be a starting quarterback in the NFL again. You know, it's not the first time that people have underestimated Jon Kitna.
In baseball news this week, the Seattle Mariners, who are more than fifty games over .500, received official permission from Major League Baseball to start selling postseason tickets. In other news, the New York Yankees have received permission from Major League Baseball to start planning their victory parade.
Former L.A. Xtreme and current Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Damon Gibson was quoted this week as saying XFL officials have told their players they'll have to buy their own championship rings. I guess that makes it official, everyone wants to forget the XFL. League management had the same long-term commitment to quality that you normally see from sweatshop owners.
Cleveland Browns defensive back Corey Fuller allegedly tried to bribe a police officer this past week after Fuller pulled into a Cleveland intersection and refused to move until the officers let him turn the way he wanted. Reports claim Fuller blocked traffic for about eight minutes, and refused several requests to move. Because of the bribery charge, this case has been turned over to the police department's intelligence unit, where they will certainly return a finding of "none here whatsoever."
The Tony Banks era in Dallas lasted exactly two preseason games, as the Cowboys cut him last week. Cowboys fans may astutely point out it only took the Cowboys a few weeks to determine what it took Baltimore half a season to learn. Of course, the Redskins haven't learned the lesson yet. How does the old parable go? "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who signed Tony Banks."
True story from this week. Vanity Fair magazine has a scathing tell-all story on baseball's hit king Pete Rose, while ESPN Sports Center interviewed "Hollywood heart throb" Freddie Prinze Jr. The lines of power have shifted, folks. Next week, expect to see Julia Roberts profiled in Sports Illustrated and Don Zimmer on the cover of Cosmo.
And finally, a sad note from the Fistful this week. It seems as if Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Bobby Clarke and Eric Lindros will finally part ways, thus returning Lindros to the NHL and robbing the Fistful of a reliable punch-line. You know, if Darryl Strawberry ever cleans up and Scott Mitchell loses weight, I'll have nothing left for the column.
Tiger Woods won the Masters this past Sunday, becoming the first golfer of the modern era to win the Grand Slam. This also officially begins the new era of "Tiger Being Expected to Win Everything." Purists will argue that Tiger's Grand Slam is not a true one, since it didn't occur in a single calendar year. This is like complaining the numbers on your winning lottery ticket are out of order.
The NBA made news last week, with the Dallas Mavericks signing the first-ever Chinese player in the NBA. Fans witnessed history in the making when Wang Zhizhi came in for Dirk Nowitzki, guarded Hanno Mottola, and made the basket that put the Mavs over 100 and gave every fan in attendance a free chalupa. In other words, the Chinese guy subbed for the German, D'ed up the guy from Finland, and won a bunch of Texans some Mexican food. What is this, basketball or "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"
In the NFL, the San Diego Chargers have been on the clock for the first draft pick since last November, and they're now admitting that Virginia Tech quarterback Michael Vick is their man. Vick worked out for San Diego and everyone was thrilled with him. Bear in mind, of course, that San Diego has no basis of comparison when it comes to quarterback talent, since they haven't had a regular signal-caller since they dragged Stan Humphries off the field for the last time.
Carl Pickens signed with Dallas this week after rejecting their first offer and saying he wanted to hear from some other teams ("You have...zero...messages"). This gives Dallas a good three-receiver tandem for next year. In a related story, Troy Aikman has finally realized the ringing in his ears is from the broadcast networks, and not just in his head for a change.
At a ceremony at the New England Patriots new stadium, a reporter was injured by falling construction equipment. The Patriots seem to be snakebitten, don't they? Forget protecting their players on the field, now the curse is beginning to strike at the support staff. Remember, this is a team who lost a starting running back to a career-ending beach volleyball injury. Working for the Patriots is beginning to be like playing drums for Spinal Tap.
No matter how you look at it, it seems like the Rangers overspent and haven't gotten their money's worth so far this season. Sports fans may wonder here if I'm talking hockey or baseball. Yes.
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That's something I love about living in Texas. You never know when you're going to run into two guys in a pickup truck shopping for clothes dressed as the Dallas Cowboys.
