Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Un-Daunte-d

Daunte Culpepper has finally been granted his release after six weeks of open warfare with the Miami Dolphins. I like the way the article says Culpepper "became expendable once the Dolphins made a trade six weeks ago with Kansas City for Trent Green, who'll be Miami's starter entering this season."

Forgive my faulty memory, but it seems more like Culpepper became expendable shortly after arriving in Miami and embarking on that frantic "touchdown-every-other-week" pace. If not that, then right about the time Randy Moss left Minnesota.

Labels: Dolphins, NFL, Vikings

Mad Props From The Peeps

Special thanks to our old buddy Whit Watson over at Sun Sports Florida, Whit mentioned the Fistful in his blog today over there. Whit's blog is always a must-read for me, too, check it out here.

Whit's just as funny as me, but with a lot more actual sports knowledge and insight. He can write something like "NBA Commissioner David Stern, who I consider to be utterly brilliant and potentially lethal, has been oddly obtuse when speculating on the cause of the low ratings," and actually know what he's talking about. I write things like "As Daunte Culpepper was being escorted from the Dolphins practice field, he threw his helmet in anger, severly underthrowing the ground by ten yards."

For new readers, thanks for dropping in at the Fistful, and check out the non-sports funny stuff over at Reid About it.com, too. Enjoy the blog!

Labels: Dolphins, NBA

Daunte's Inferno

Alleged Miami quarterback Daunte Culpepper says in spite of the fact he missed the last dozen games of the year, and was so scared about losing his job to a trade or the draft that he released his own press statement saying he was fine, now has said that he'll be ready for training camp. Dolphin fans will be stunned by this, since last year Culpepper not only wasn't ready for training camp, he wasn't ready for the season, the playbook, the snap, the pass rush, or the coaching staff. In fact, at one point I think he lost the ability to lace his own pads up and had to have a trainer stitch him into his pants.

Dolphins fans have to be pretty pleased to be getting Culpepper back, and his frantic every-other-week touchdown pace. No need for Trent Green or some rookie to come in. Culpepper can take them back to the glory days of Jay Feidler.

Labels: Dolphins, NFL

The Great Broken QB Rush Of '06

Daunte Culpepper has won the "Damaged Goods Quarterback Sweepstakes," taking his severely damaged knee and going to the Miami Dolphins. This leaves Drew Brees and his barely-functional shoulder to go to the similarly barely-functional Saints. The Lions responded by signing Jon Kitna, who is handicapped by being Jon Kitna.

Labels: Dolphins, Lions, NFL, Saints

Twenty-One Questions

With the NFL season beginning tonight, and a new season of the Fistful of Sports starting as well, time for a few questions on what to expect.

Which Randy Moss are we getting? Can we count on the odd-year Moss that goes deep every time he's on the field and punishes every team that failed to draft him? Or is this an even-year Moss, where he sulks and takes plays off and gives cops free
rides on the hood of his car?

If and when Vinny Testaverde goes down, are the Dallas Cowboys prepared to replace him with a quarterback of similar ability, like say Steve Deberg or Dave Kreig?

Is this the year Marvin Harrison gets the respect he deserves,
or will he have to make an ass of himself in the endzone
before we recognize him? And speaking of that, how's Joe
Horn's mom?

Would most football fans allow Terrell Owens to call them gay
if it meant they could date a Playboy Playmate just like Jeff
Garcia?

Will Terrell Owens be upset when Donovan McNabb spikes the
football to stop the clock, even though McNabb knew TO was
open?

Does Rush Limbaugh think the media wants us all to draft
McNabb for our fantasy football leagues?

In the crowd shots at Niners games, what percentage of San
Francisco fans will be wearing outdated jerseys?

If Ray Lewis asked you to come back and play cornerback with
the Ravens, would you do it? If Ray Lewis asked you to drive
off and not talk to the cops, would you do it?

Will Jamal Lewis go to trial, and if so, does that count as
an audition for season two of "Playmakers?"

Will the Redskins tire of Joe Gibbs breaking practice early
every afternoon so he can make the Early Bird Special at
Denny's?

Is this the year we finally know the name of somebody who
plays offense for Chicago?

By the end of the year, who will hate Kellen Winslow Jr. more,
his AFC rivals or his Cleveland teammates?

After putting Emmitt Smith down two years ago and then being
unable to outrush him last year, is this season a special kind
of hell for new Arizona backup running back Troy Hambrick?

Would you go to a party thrown by Ricky Williams and Quincy
Carter? And if so, would you remember to designate a driver
for your late-night munchies run to Taco Bell?

Who will Miami unsuccessfully try and replace Jay Fiedler
with next year? And for that matter, has any NFL player fallen
back down the ladder as fast as Brian Griese?

Will David Boston still roll up his sleeves and oil his biceps
in street clothes on the sidelines?

Would anyone blame Dave Wannstedt if he started drinking out
of a paper bag on the Dolphins sidelines?

Is Joe Nedney ever going to outlive the curse put on him by
Steelers fans after he faked that roughing the kicker penalty
in the playoffs two years ago?

Would Archie Manning refuse to allow Eli to be drafted by Alex
Spanos' fantasy football team?

Will Falcons quarterback Michael Vick show us it doesn't
matter how many snaps you take in preseason? Or really that
it doesn't matter what play you call, what routes they run,
or what the defense stunts?

Is Doug Flutie still in the league? Really?

Labels: Cowboys, Dolphins, Falcons, NFL, Redskins, TO

The Unbearable Lightness of Being Ricky

The Ricky Williams era has ended in the NFL. In spite of his on-field accomplishments, I will remember Ricky more for being the NFL albatross, signifying the eternal torment of every head coach foolish enough to deal with him. Mike Ditka went from legendary head coach to legendary erectile dysfunction sufferer, and Dave Wannstedt is probably headed for every drop of disgrace entitled to a coach who followed Don Shula and Jimmy Johnson. Who knew Ricky had personal problems? I mean other than anybody who saw him in the wedding dress.

Everybody talks about Ricky Williams being so durable, and how he carried the ball more in the last two years than any other running back. Is that supposed to be some kind of incentive for him to come back? "Gee, Ricky, we were really counting on you again this year. We're planning another quarterback controversy between the guy we never liked and the guy who's never been a starter before, and we went out and signed a professional bodybuilder masquerading as a wide receiver to help us. Why wouldn't you want to come back?"

Ricky has admitted to failing an NFL drug test, and also to being friends with Snoop Dogg. Actually, just being in the same car with Snoop Dogg is enough to register positive for drugs. Hangin' with Snoop is usually a sign things are about to go Sizz-outh.

And speaking of Miami, Shaquille O'Neal is going there. First thought: Great, can he play running back?

The best thing about the Shaq signing was the entrance. He comes into town in a black eighteen wheel truck with thousands of people cheering him, with "SHAQ IN BLACK" logos everywhere. Wow. Ric Flair never had that good of an entrance. My favorite part of the opening press conference was when the NBA went ahead and gave Shaq the starting center position for the Eastern Conference All-Star team for the next five years.

Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant resigns with the Lakers, lending them enough star power to attract players like...uh...help me out here. Gary Payton? Vlade Divac? Signing Gary Payton is like getting a really good prize in a box of Cracker Jacks, except the box is from 1996. And Vlade Divac is the kind of signing you don't really want to call a press conference to announce. You normally find that transaction on the back page of the sports section, underneath "Tank McNamara" and the bowling beer-league pictures.

Signing Vlade Divac should serve notice to the Los Angeles Lakers they are no longer Hollywood "A-List" material. When the Lakers throw a party, they will no longer get Jack Nicholson and Brad Pitt. Now, courtside shots will feature Greg Evigan and various ex-reality TV stars.

Seriously, Vlade Divac? Really? Vlade has reached the point where he's not an upgrade, or even a grade of any sort. They showed footage of when the Lakers originally drafted Vlade, and the footage was in black and white. Now he's just a giant hundred-year-old clone of Yakov Smirnoff, stumbling around the court, making some nice passes and tripping on things. I swear I saw him smoking at the free throw line last season.

Lance Armstrong has won yet another Tour De France. It's a shame it's over, because I was really enjoying talking to hundreds of people at work who follow bicycle racing religiously, even though they haven't ridden a bike since they were twelve. Tell me again, oh overweight office manager, about how Lance saves his strength to excel in the mountain stages. Please, share with me your insight on Lance's strategy in the time trial, you chain-smoking car salesman. Use words like "peloton" correctly, I dare you.

Armstrong has had to face accusations of steroid use this year, even though he has never failed a drug test and his accusers have no evidence. Even with the French media harassing him at every turn and convicting him without benefit of trial or evidence, Armstrong remains a gentleman in his rebuttals. Unlike that Barry Bonds jerk, who we all know is juicing.

Florida State's two national championship trophies were stolen a few weeks ago. I don't know who took them, but I did bet Adrian McPherson $100 that they'd turn up by the start of the season.

The Dallas Mavericks have made a trade for Christian Laettner, and NBA experts predict the Mavs aren't finished trading. Of course not. Any time you make a trade for Christian Laettner, you have ulterior motives.

Labels: CFB, Dolphins, NBA

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