I'd like to start this column with apologies to all my readers. Last week, I tried to make my jokes a bit longer than usual, but apparently my attempts to "Tiger-proof" the Fistful of Sports were unsuccessful. With his third Masters victory, Tiger Woods now has more green jackets than a color-blind used car salesman.
The Masters started badly, as Sam Snead teed off the ceremonial first shot into the gallery. A spectator was hit squarely in the face by the teeshot. The man then placed his face up for auction at www.SamSneadHitMeInTheFace.com, and made enough money to pay off his student loan.
Speaking of the merchandising outbreak, a piece of gum chewed by Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez has become a national obsession, with bidding reaching $4,000. At one point the Topps company was among the bidders, but they backed out when a question arose as to the authenticity of the gum. Yeah, four grand for Gonzo's chewed gum is completely understandable, but they got squeamish when they felt like they were getting ripped off.
I would actually think for their own good, a company like Topps would want to step in and establish firmly that used gum is not a collectible item. If you're in doubt, just apply this simple rule: Anything that has been inside someone else's mouth is not collectible. No wait, let's expand that, I'd hate to see somebody selling a "World Series Tumor" or "All-Star Appendix" on eBay. Let's just make the simple rule that anything that's been inside the skin is out of the question as merchandising.
New York Yankees fans have filed a lawsuit to try and resolve a dispute between the team's network and a cable company so they can watch the Yankees games. In a related story, thousands of Florida baseball fans are suing a Miami cable company, seeking to get the Marlins games off their televisions.
In the National Basketball Association, the Hornets have reportedly violated league policy by using falsified attendance numbers to try and influence the league to let them move from Charlotte. Come to find out, the Hornets have also been underestimating the size of their locker rooms, jumbo dogs, and Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
The regular season is over for the National Hockey League, and the Detroit Red Wings won the President's Cup for the most regular season points. Actually, the Red Wings clinched home ice advantage sometime while "Rollerball" was still showing in theatres, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Vancouver is a dangerous first-round opponent though, especially for a team as old as the Red Wings. Games in the Pacific time zone begin right about the time that people the age of the Red Wings are wrapping up dinner, turning off "Matlock" and going to bed.
And finally, a New Orleans newspaper is reporting LSU illegally tutored a player last semester. The NCAA rules state prospective student-athletes are prohibited from receiving tutoring from the athletic department. Why is this even a rule? Apparently the NCAA wants to make sure the dumb guys you recruited are the same dumb guys who show up for school.
Labels: CFB, Golf, MLB, NBA, NHL, Yankees
