1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Ike Slaps Around The Astros
Even though Minute Maid Park wasn't damaged by Hurricane Ike, the Houston Astros are somehow still losing out.
The Astros have won fourteen of their last fifteen, and are making a mad dash towards the Wild Card. However, instead of getting the division-leading Chicago Cubs at home, the conditions have led Major League baseball to reschedule the games for Milwaukee's Miller Park.
This may sound a bit goofy, but if you'll perform a little experiment, you'll clearly see the logic. Get out a map of the United States. Put your finger on Houston, Texas, and move it slowly North. You'll quickly see that there's nowhere else with a baseball field that these teams could use to play on Sunday and Monday. There's not one in Dallas, or St. Louis, or Kansas City, or a really nice triple-A stadium that could get the series of a lifetime, or even a cornfield in Nebraska where the teams could throw down a couple of bases and play old-school-style.
See? MLB had no choice but to move this home series away from Houston. The Astros will still be the home team, even though they're eleven hundred miles away from their dressing rooms. Just because MLB took the game out of Texas and plopped it down in a stadium in Wisconsin that's ninety miles away from Chicago, that won't give the Cubs any kind of advantage.
Is there anything better than an All-Star Game? Fans love getting the chance to see their favorite stars from the American League and National League square off in the mid-summer classic.
Is there anything worse than an All-Star Game in extra innings? Good Lord, it’s after one o’clock in New York. Everybody just wants to go home. They’re already risking death by riding the subways so late, let’s let them at least get a running start.
This year’s game went fifteen innings, and almost five hours. There’s no other sporting event that goes five hours, unless you count a NASCAR race with multiple crashes and car fires.
The problem is with the pitching, fans want to see their favorite pitcher in the All-Star Game, but nobody wants to see him throw more than 50-60 pitches. After nine innings, most of the pitchers have been used. After thirteen innings, even the guys who didn’t deserve their All-Star spots have been used.
Here’s my idea, each league brings one emergency starter. He will be the pitcher in the league with the absolute worst ERA. After nine innings, both teams have to pitch him, and leave him on the mound until somebody scores.
After twelve innings, batters should get to hit off of a tee.
"When the American and National League face off in Tuesday's Major League Baseball All-Star Game in New York, there will be fewer people watching than there were the last time Yankee Stadium was the host in 1977."
Let me get this straight, the All-Star Game is such a failure that they can write about the disappointing rating of the broadcast two full days before the game is played? Wow. That's pretty impressive, Yahoo Nostradamus. I felt pretty good because I was able to predict that "Meet Dave" was going to suck, but that's even better.
I'm sure you've seen about Alex Rodriguez and his wife getting divorced, since it's the top story on every sports page, entertainment page, gossip page, and every other conceivable page. I read about it in this week's Highlights For Children, even.
A-Rod is reportedly seeing Madonna, for either sexual or Kaballah-related reasons, whichever is funnier. Meanwhile, his wife reportedly shacked up with Lenny Kravitz in France.
I understand that they're committed to nailing the celebrities of the 80's and 90's, but couldn't they sleep with somebody who's had hits more recently? Christina Aguilera? Usher? Lil' John? Amy Winehouse?
Strike that last one. Winehouse could give both of them diseases that not even the Yankees medical plan could handle.
By the way, A-Rod has hired Shaquille O'Neal's attorney, who was unavailable for comment because he was vacationing on a yacht in Turkey. Just for future reference, if your lawyer vacations on a yacht in Turkey, he's probably pretty good, and you're probably going to be paying for his next yacht somewhere down the line.
So, let's divide it up here and take sides. One is playing "Papa Don't Preach" with the Material Girl, the other is the "American Woman" for Helen Willis' baby boy. Who's the winner here?
The Major League Baseball draft was today, and the Texas Rangers passed on their glaring, decades-old pitching deficiency once again. Even though it's difficult to remember a Rangers pitcher that was a household name for any reason other than being a Medic-Alert spokesman, Texas decided to go instead with a fielder.
Texas drafted Justin Smoak, a switch-hitting first baseman that experts compare to Mark Teixeira. Perhaps they should just set their sites a bit lower and look for a guy that is similar to Teixeira, but not quite as good. Tex stayed in Arlington just long enough to get his value up and become the face of the franchise, then Texas couldn't pay him and had to trade him for a catcher and a bag of dirt.
Maybe if he had tweaked a hamstring somewhere along the way, he'd still be living in the Lone Star state.
Man, that sure seems to be one exciting World Series we've got going, eh? I tuned in last night to find the Red Sox had scored 13 runs, 6 goals, 3 touchdowns, and a Yahtzee on the Rockies.
Doesn't exactly seem like an epic struggle. When the biggest threat to a sweep isn't a player, it's snow, it doesn't seem like too much of a nail-biter.
My theory is with the Yankees down, once Boston wins this World Series everyone will notice they're almost as bad as New York in terms of unfair competitive advantage and media bias, and turn on the Red Sox. Any thoughts?
When asked whether Mark McGwire should be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame, President and former Texas Rangers owner George Bush said "I don't have a vote." He then went on to say that while he couldn't vote on the honor, he did have the power to have McGwire's phone tapped, place him on a "no fly" list, or award him a no-bid multimilion dollar contract for cleanup in Iraq.
Bored with steroids, we've now gone on to speculating what other chemicals Barry Bonds has been using. A USA Today report says Bonds tested positive for amphetamines last year. Players Association Chief Operating Officer Gene Orza said "I don't comment on the drug program at all. It's confidential."
Well, apparently not. And that sure seems to be the problem, eh? If it were any less confidential, we'd have pictures of Bonds shooting up on the front page of People Magazine.
New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter now has his own fragrance, "Driven". Jeter was reportedly involved in the development.
"I knew what I wanted. I didn't want it to overtake a room," said Jeter. But if the cologne were to happen to overtake the shortstop position, that would be fine.
The fragrance is a blend of black pepper, chilled grapefruit, rhubarb, tobacco spit, dirt, day-old hot dog, and small fragments of Randy Johnson's mustache.
Not to be outdone, Yankee third baseman Alex Rodriguez has announced plans for a signature line of air fresheners, called "All Gone Soon!"
Keith Hernandez has come under fire for his comments as part of the Mets broadcast team about how women should not be in the dugout. What did you expect, people? Hernandez endorses a product called "Just For Men", and takes pride in wearing the worst mustache since Gabe Kaplan left the airwaves. Perhaps we shouldn't expect the highest level of cultural sensitivity from Hernandez.
And besides, he knows exactly what a highly trained professional athlete requires in the dugout, that's here he used to smoke during games.
Baseball has chosen the man to finally investigate the problem of steroids, it will be George Mitchell. Mitchell is a former U.S. Senate Majority leader, and currently is the director of the Boston Red Sox, and chairman of the board of Walt Disney, which owns ESPN.
I applaud baseball for thinking outside the box, and getting someone who obviously has no ties to baseball and no vested interest in making sure things continue the way they are. Mitchell barely won the job over the other main candidate, Barry Bonds.
Former Rangers Kenny Rogers, now with Detroit, has been told he won't face jail time for assaulting a cameraman last year if he completes an anger management class.
To begin with, I hope it's not like defensive driving where you can just rent the tapes, because if the video has examples of people losing their minds in it, there's a pretty good chance that Kenny will be one of the first faces on the screen. And I pity the guy who has to put that tape back together.
And more importantly, the guy is in Detroit now. Hasn't he suffered enough? You expect him to get over all of his anger when he's in Detroit for two years? That's like sending a guy with a sex addiction problem to the Kennedy Compound to get better.
Well, Alfonso Soriano has finally ended our long national nightmare, jogging into the outfield for the Washington Nationals after refusing to take the field when he was moved from second base. As much as we'd all like to blame Soriano for being another spoiled millionaire athlete, the questions that went through my mind were about the Nationals. They knew he didn't want to play outfield, why trade for him and spring it on him like that?
You know, if you've got Paul McCartney in your band, you let him do what he wants. You don't make him play drums. I mean, unless you're sure that Ringo won't catch on.
And while I'm talking about the Beatles, is it fair that we only have 2 of the Beatles and 2 of the Who left, but we still have all 4 Monkees?
And the Beatles have lost their guitarists, the Who their rhythm section. Can't we put these bands together, and make one last supergroup? You know, "One Night Only! The Whootles!" That kind of stuff?
What was I talking about? Oh yeah, the Nationals. Anyway, after a couple of times of filling out a lineup card and only having eight men jog onto the field, the team realized something was wrong. That's pretty good, it took the Mets a whole month to figure that out in the mid 90s.
Well, we're into football season. My newspaper's "Stats At A Glance" section says Vinny Testaverde, Curtis Martin, and Jerome Bettis all had great games. That led me to check to see if I hadn't thrown out the trash for six years, and see if I was reading a sports section from 1998.
Tampa Bay receiver Joey Galloway dropped a touchdown pass, and knocked himself out for several weeks with an injury. As Dallas fans can verify, this means Galloway is already in mid- season form.
Fistful Fantasy Football Tip: Try and trade for Daunte Culpepper. Offer Jay Fiedler, Rex Grossman, a player to be named later, a kidney, naming rights to your house, a free ride on Boardwalk, and whatever else you can find.
I watched the first episode of "The Benefactor," the reality TV show where Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban makes people do weird stunts. He cut a girl for refusing to play air guitar, then another because she lost a game of Jenga. Finally, he challenged them to play defense, and wound up cutting Christian Laettner.
It's a very strange show where for a million dollars, sixteen people put themselves at the whim of Cuban. I can see why he wanted to do this, though. For a relatively small investment, he gets to toy with reality. It's like Cuban's own personal SIMS game.
Just in case any of you were locked in a bio-dome for the last few months, ESPN celebrated it's twenty-fifth anniversary. In honor of itself, the network announced the greatest everythings of the last twenty-five years. See, that's what's wrong with America. ESPN is only paying attention to things that occurred during its lifetime. What kind of attitude is that? "If it happened before I was born, dude, it doesn't matter." Super Bowl III? Never happened. Lou Gehrig and Babe Ruth? Their records are history, brother. Muhammad Ali who?
This kind of lack of attention to history is why our kids are so stupid, and they think Henry Kissinger would make a great name for an emo band. High school students not only don't remember Vietnam, they haven't even watched "Platoon."
Texas Rangers reliever Frank Francisco was arrested last night in Oakland after throwing a chair at a fan, and accidentally breaking another woman's nose in the crowd. That's just par for the course for the Rangers bullpen. They've struggled with their accuracy all season.
Mets manager Art Howe wants to be fired immediately. At least Mets fans and management have all found something they can agree on.
Reports say Howe will be let go at the end of the season, and he says he doesn't want to wait. The Mets have finished last in the NL East the last two years, and lead last-place Montreal by two and a half games this season. While that kind of improvement gets noticed in Kansas City, it will get you canned in New York.
And speaking of Montreal, the hurricanes caused Major League Baseball to move the Expos-Marlins series to Chicago. That settles it, baseball must be performing top-secret stress tests on the Expos on behalf of the Pentagon. They play their home games in two different countries, neither of them America. Now they're even playing their road games in randomly selected cities. Next, they'll make them travel to away games in the van from "Bad News Bears In Breaking Training."
It's a new tradition for NASCAR. This year, the top ten points leaders will compete for the Nextel Cup in the "Chase For The Championship." While they go for the prize, the other drivers will be competing in the "Detroit Tigers Invitational."
Congratulations to the Detroit Pistons on breaking the tyranny of Western oppression. Congratulations also for grabbing the national headlines for all of eleven seconds before the media returned to talking about the Lakers.
In the playoffs, the Lakers were 4-0 when Kobe flew in from his Colorado rape trial. That's a great statistic, eh? That's like pointing out what the unemployment rate was while the President was having oral sex in the Oval Office. My favorite part of the series was watching Kobe Bryant so utterly driven to frustration by the Pistons defense that he eventually was jacking up three pointers from the bench during time outs.
And now that the playoffs are finished, there are some questions we have to ask, America. Why did the entire country suddenly develop a profound awe for Kobe, and demand everyone give him credit for playing so well in the playoffs? It's not like Kobe was shaking off the flu, or rehabbing an injury, or spending his days in a soup kitchen feeding the homeless. He's fending off rape charges during the day, and playing basketball at night. He's like the opposite of Batman.
Quite frankly, I refuse to open my "Athletic Memories Hall Of Fame" for a player splitting time between a sport and a full-court press to avoid federal prison. Kobe's a hero? Sure. In fact, Kobe may be the greatest hero of all. Imagine how much bigger Joe Montana would be if he'd been up on sexual assault charges the night before Super Bowl XXIII. Think of how the legend of Kirk Gibson would have been elevated if the week before his World Series pinch-hit home run, he had beaten a nun to death with a sock full of pennies in front of an orphanage. I guess it's all in the context.
By the way, Kobe's official stance is that he is an adulterer, but not a rapist. He also admits to killing the sheriff, but staunchly denies shooting the deputy.
I don't want it to seem like I'm down on Kobe. In fact, I wish the NBA had used him more. I wanted to see Kobe in one of those promos where players talk about what they'd do with the NBA Trophy. Can't you picture a promo with Kobe and the trophy sitting on a bed in a hotel room, with him saying he wasn't going to take no for an answer?
In spite of all this, I enjoyed the series, especially the two games in Los Angeles. There's just something about L.A., the city so shallow that x-ray technicians refere to themselves as "filmmakers." My favorite part of the entire Championship? The enormous pair of Los Angeles breasts on the woman sitting over Phil Jackson's right shoulder in every bench shot. In L.A., it's okay to use the Finals as a resume tape.
In horse racing, something big happened. I know this because people were pretending to be interested in horse racing for a couple of weeks, and then it all went away. You know my favorite part about horse racing? When you hear about a good horse, you never find out that his dad is his manager, and he's trying to hold out for more money.
I love the overanalysis of horse racing. One analyst, with a straight face, said Smarty Jones was ready for his big day. Really? How does that happen, does the horse keep a day planner? He comes out and runs on Friday, nobody's there. He runs on Saturday, two hundred thousand people are cheering him on. He comes back on Sunday, nobody's there. I doubt the horse cared too much, especially once he got the concept of "stud."
Lebron James is going to the Olympics. Great. I hope he took some shop classes in high school, because right now Athens needs a team of carpenters and construction workers a lot more than it needs a team of athletes.
It was a fun first few months of the baseball season. Roger Clemens is pitching pretty well for a forty-year old retiree. Every time I call a Barry Bonds home run, it's all I can do to keep from yelling "The needle...and the damage done." And the Yankees early season struggles had Derek Jeter's career expectation going from the Hall Of Fame to dying alone on the soiled floor of an opium den with a needle in his arm, surrounded by overdue library books. Nice of Yankees fans not to jump the gun.
Yankee Alex Rodriguez accepted the Babe Ruth award for hitting the most home runs in baseball last year. Coincidentally, the Babe was another player the Yankees bought from somebody who was strapped for cash.
Cubs outfielder Moises Alou has revealed rather than wear batting gloves, he urinates on his hands to toughen them up. Sadly, Alou is the only quality reliever Chicago has right now.
The average baseball player's salary has fallen to 2.49 million this year. That probably means we'll see them in the offseason at farmer's markets, selling their autographs for quick cash. And not just Darryl Strawberry this time.
I'd like to start this column with apologies to all my readers. Last week, I tried to make my jokes a bit longer than usual, but apparently my attempts to "Tiger-proof" the Fistful of Sports were unsuccessful. With his third Masters victory, Tiger Woods now has more green jackets than a color-blind used car salesman.
The Masters started badly, as Sam Snead teed off the ceremonial first shot into the gallery. A spectator was hit squarely in the face by the teeshot. The man then placed his face up for auction at www.SamSneadHitMeInTheFace.com, and made enough money to pay off his student loan.
Speaking of the merchandising outbreak, a piece of gum chewed by Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez has become a national obsession, with bidding reaching $4,000. At one point the Topps company was among the bidders, but they backed out when a question arose as to the authenticity of the gum. Yeah, four grand for Gonzo's chewed gum is completely understandable, but they got squeamish when they felt like they were getting ripped off.
I would actually think for their own good, a company like Topps would want to step in and establish firmly that used gum is not a collectible item. If you're in doubt, just apply this simple rule: Anything that has been inside someone else's mouth is not collectible. No wait, let's expand that, I'd hate to see somebody selling a "World Series Tumor" or "All-Star Appendix" on eBay. Let's just make the simple rule that anything that's been inside the skin is out of the question as merchandising.
New York Yankees fans have filed a lawsuit to try and resolve a dispute between the team's network and a cable company so they can watch the Yankees games. In a related story, thousands of Florida baseball fans are suing a Miami cable company, seeking to get the Marlins games off their televisions.
In the National Basketball Association, the Hornets have reportedly violated league policy by using falsified attendance numbers to try and influence the league to let them move from Charlotte. Come to find out, the Hornets have also been underestimating the size of their locker rooms, jumbo dogs, and Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
The regular season is over for the National Hockey League, and the Detroit Red Wings won the President's Cup for the most regular season points. Actually, the Red Wings clinched home ice advantage sometime while "Rollerball" was still showing in theatres, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Vancouver is a dangerous first-round opponent though, especially for a team as old as the Red Wings. Games in the Pacific time zone begin right about the time that people the age of the Red Wings are wrapping up dinner, turning off "Matlock" and going to bed.
And finally, a New Orleans newspaper is reporting LSU illegally tutored a player last semester. The NCAA rules state prospective student-athletes are prohibited from receiving tutoring from the athletic department. Why is this even a rule? Apparently the NCAA wants to make sure the dumb guys you recruited are the same dumb guys who show up for school.
The meaningless exhibition season is now officially over. We've finished the NBA All-Star Game, NHL All-Star Game, NFL Pro Bowl, and Cincinnati Bengals 2001 season. Now things start to matter again.
NBA All-Star game MVP Kobe Bryant seemed surprised to be booed in his hometown of Philadelphia. Didn't he pay attention growing up in Philly? If the Philly fans have no compunctions about cheering injuries and booing Santa Claus, why would they hold back on a guy who's been living two time zones away for the last six years? Clearly I think the sentiment here was if Kobe were a true Philadelphia soul, he'd boo himself.
The real All-Star hero is turning out to be Minnesota forward Kevin Garnett. Garnett is giving ten thousand fans at the next Timberwolves game a free soda or beer to celebrate his All-Star appearance. By the way, Garnett has also just been elected to next year's Pro Bowl, U.S. Hockey team, Real World cast, WNBA All-Star game, IROC, and Minnesota legislature.
It appears that baseball contraction is about as dead as plans to remove the American League pennant from the Yankees clubhouse. The Montreal Expos have now been sold to the other 29 baseball owners, thus giving them the exact same motivation to win as the Washington Generals. And in spite of begging for the Kervorkian treatment, the Minnesota Twins have been forced to play this year by their Metrodome landlord. Savor, if you will, the exquisite irony of the best-laid plans of Bud Selig being undone by Stanley Roper. In this offseason, Selig has been outsmarted by both an ex-professional wrestler and an inanimate object. It doesn't take an act of Congress to determine the weakest link. Although come to think of it, that might happen, too.
The 2001-2002 NFL season is now over, as the Pro Bowl is in the books. The Pro Bowl is traditionally the weakest of the All-Star games, a game where everybody just lines up and doesn't try too hard. Or as Randy Moss calls it, "Sunday."
Oakland Raiders defensive tackle Darrell Russell is disputing the claims of a woman who said he raped her, saying among other things, the woman bragged about posing for Playboy Magazine. I know this is a serious issue, but if the American legal system agrees being naked in Playboy is a suitable defense for rape, this country is going to be thrown into anarchy so fast it'll make your head spin. Hefner's mansion is going to look like the last days of the Alamo.
And finally, why does everything weird in America seem to happen in Florida? Voter controversy, immigrant problems, soccer contraction, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and now the Buccaneers coaching search. Since firing the only coach to ever make the franchise a consistent winner, the Bucs have missed on hiring their top three choices to replace him. Usually top-level decisions this bad are proceeded by many hours of document shredding. Tampa Bay wanted a new coach to take them in a different direction, unfortunately that direction turned out to be similar to that of a skydiving rhinoceros.
As seen on The Sporting News website! Published there December 7, 2002.
Congratulations to the University of Miami on their National Championship season. The last two years have shown us the BCS system works fine, as long as there is only one undefeated team at the end of the season. We need polls, surveys, and computer programmers to tell us this? A survey this inefficient usually comes with government funding. Over the last two years, it seems like we're finally getting momentum for a national playoff series. The thing is, people want the playoff to determine who's the number two team in the nation.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #1: Spurrier left the University of Florida because he knew he'd get the Minnesota job after Dennis Green orchestrated his own firing so he could join Destiny's Child.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #2: Spurrier left the University of Florida to take over in San Diego, where he will put offensive coordinator Norv Turner out of a job. This is all part of Turner's master plan, however, as Turner then goes to Las Vegas with eleven pals to rob three casinos in one night.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #3: Spurrier leaving the University of Florida to go to the NFL is just a ruse to hide his true intentions. Spurrier, Dennis Green, Mike Riley, and George Seifert will be traveling across the country protecting a magic ring from evil forces.
Congratulations to Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, for gift-wrapping the NFL quarterback sack record and handing it to Michael Strahan. With all due respect to Strahan, that sack record couldn't have been more of a set-up if the LAPD was involved. And weren't you a little bit surprised to see Mark Gastineau on the sidelines without a state trooper chained to him?
While the NFL is busy handing out fines for things they deem harmful to football such as touchdown dances and improper socks, can we see some fines levied against Philadelphia and Tampa Bay for that glorified exhibition game they played Sunday night? I understand wanting to play it safe for the playoffs, but I was just a Keanu Reeves sighting away from declaring this match-up a strike game. I actually saw an on-screen graphic that referred to Rod (He Hate Me) Smart's rushing totals in the XFL. This marks the first time I've ever seen a statistic involving the XFL that didn't mention television ratings.
Jim Mora announced in his tearful press conference he was "not going to quit." Hey, when did we let 6-10 coaches make the call on whether or not to continue? Try that one at work, kids. Announce to your boss and anyone else listening that your work has dropped off 25% from last year, but you're not going to quit. Let me know how that works for you, I think I'll just stick to "O'Leary-ing" my resume, thanks.
In the NBA, Kenyon Martin has discovered how to make friends and influence people, eh? Young players have to realize that the NBA rules have a good bit of fluidity to them. There are certain things you can't do to the game's stars. And there are certain things you can only get away with doing to Karl Malone.
In college basketball this week, eleven of the top twenty-five teams in the nation lost. America now officially takes a nap, and sets the snooze for March Madness.
In baseball, David Wells is poised to return to the Yankees. Reportedly all that keeps the deal from being completed is a delay in Wells taking a physical exam. There's no worry about any injuries, rather it's just hard finding someone who doesn't mind seeing David Wells naked.
The Minnesota Twins have taken the bold step of offering a two-year contract to new manager Ron Gardenhire, which for Gardenhire, appears to be a situation as risky as allowing a Backstreet Boy to purchase something on long-term credit. The Twins have also scheduled their spring training games, starting February 27 against the Cincinnati Reds, followed by games against the California Bears, Springfield Isotopes, and Charlie Brown's team.
In baseball news this week, the Seattle Mariners, who are more than fifty games over .500, received official permission from Major League Baseball to start selling postseason tickets. In other news, the New York Yankees have received permission from Major League Baseball to start planning their victory parade.
Former L.A. Xtreme and current Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Damon Gibson was quoted this week as saying XFL officials have told their players they'll have to buy their own championship rings. I guess that makes it official, everyone wants to forget the XFL. League management had the same long-term commitment to quality that you normally see from sweatshop owners.
Cleveland Browns defensive back Corey Fuller allegedly tried to bribe a police officer this past week after Fuller pulled into a Cleveland intersection and refused to move until the officers let him turn the way he wanted. Reports claim Fuller blocked traffic for about eight minutes, and refused several requests to move. Because of the bribery charge, this case has been turned over to the police department's intelligence unit, where they will certainly return a finding of "none here whatsoever."
The Tony Banks era in Dallas lasted exactly two preseason games, as the Cowboys cut him last week. Cowboys fans may astutely point out it only took the Cowboys a few weeks to determine what it took Baltimore half a season to learn. Of course, the Redskins haven't learned the lesson yet. How does the old parable go? "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who signed Tony Banks."
True story from this week. Vanity Fair magazine has a scathing tell-all story on baseball's hit king Pete Rose, while ESPN Sports Center interviewed "Hollywood heart throb" Freddie Prinze Jr. The lines of power have shifted, folks. Next week, expect to see Julia Roberts profiled in Sports Illustrated and Don Zimmer on the cover of Cosmo.
And finally, a sad note from the Fistful this week. It seems as if Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Bobby Clarke and Eric Lindros will finally part ways, thus returning Lindros to the NHL and robbing the Fistful of a reliable punch-line. You know, if Darryl Strawberry ever cleans up and Scott Mitchell loses weight, I'll have nothing left for the column.
The Toronto Raptors turned NBA heads this week by signing Vince Carter to a contract extension and luring Hakeem Olajuwon across the border from Houston. Well, actually across several borders, but you know what I mean. Olajuwon goes from South Texas to Canada? And they said NAFTA would never work.
In other NBA news, Philadelphia has decided not to match a New Jersey offer sheet to Todd MacCulloch. The offer sheet was for a six-year, thirty million dollar contract. The Sixers have declined to match because MacCulloch is, in the words of several analysts, "just a big ol' white guy." Philly plans to make up MacCulloch's 4 points per game by letting Allen Iverson take three more shots.
Ruben Patterson, who entered a modified guilty plea to attempted rape last May, has signed with the Portland Trail Blazers in hopes of cleaning up his image. With the Trail Blazers? The Trail Blazers have a recent history of mental stability like Mariah Carey. What is Patterson going to do, stand next to Rasheed Wallace and look sane in comparison?
An Orioles game at Camden Yard was delayed this week when a streaker came out of the crowd wearing nothing but sneakers and a floppy orange giveaway hat. Sadly, that's the second half season highlight so far for the Orioles. Seriously though, why is it that the people you get to see naked are never the people you want to see naked? You know, Angelina Jolie never drops trou at a Braves game and runs the bases. It's always some naked fat guy with an orange hat and a blood alcohol content above the Mendoza line doing donuts in the outfield. And enough delay of the game. I think law enforcement officials will agree this is what tasers were created for. Tag him, bag him, and put his naked carcass on display in the outfield, where we can laugh and throw peanuts at him during the seventh-inning stretch. It's the American way.
Maybe that's just me, but I am very much against nudity, or at least the nudity of fat guys. On a similar note, I also feel they shouldn't be allowed to make leather pants above a certain size, either. At some point, it's less a fashion statement and more just a wholesale slaughter of cows.
The satellite TV folks have trotted out this year's commercial package, showing guys like Peyton Manning and Javon Kearse signing up for the Sunday Ticket to see all of the NFL games. Sorry to ask the obvious question here, but won't both those guys be a little too busy during the NFL games to be watching TV? Wouldn't Mark Chmura make a better endorser?
This week, former NFL wide receiver Mark Ingram, arrested for carrying $3290 in counterfeit cash, received six months in jail and a quizzical look from the judge for bothering to counterfeit ten dollar bills. Sometimes, you've got to think big, Mark.
And finally, a question to ponder. Which is more proof of sexual bias, the sports media not covering things like the WNBA or WUSA, or the sports media's fanatical fascination with Anna Kournikova's ring finger? I hate to burst everyone's bubble here, fellas, but whether she's spoken for or not, she's got a thing for Russian hockey players. Unless you own a fur-lined trench coat and a last name that ends in "-ov", you're not even in the running.
Congratulations to Lance Armstrong on his Tour de France victory. This marks his third consecutive victory, and also marks the last time we'll see a bicycle used correctly on ESPN until next year's race. Which is more "extreme", flipping a bike upside down off a ramp while wearing enough piercings to work part-time as a jewelry rack at Gadzooks, or winning three straight 2100-mile races after cancer treatments? You make the call.
Deion Sanders announced his retirement this week, from whichever sports he happens to currently be playing. Sanders retired from the NFL and was then cut by his triple-A baseball club. It is a sad day for sports, unlike when he retired from his music career.
The "Ripken Farewell Tour" continued this week, as Cal Ripken played his last game at the Ballpark in Arlington against the Texas Rangers. The Rangers then enclosed the locker Ripken used in glass, building a shrine to him with his uniform and other equipment. Is this not a little bit ridiculous? Will teams cordon off urinals and showers, and auction off his used ankle-wrap on eBay? Meanwhile, one of the greatest hitters of all time is retiring, and nobody seems to make a big deal out of Tony Gwynn's last year. At least have the candy machine outside the locker room bronzed or something, guys. There's two Hall of Famers riding off into the sunset. Don't make Gwynn into a historical footnote like he's a vice president or something.
And speaking of future Hall of Famers, Ricky Henderson continues to make friends on the way to Cooperstown, with Milwaukee Brewers manager Davey Lopes openly threatening to bean Henderson if he tried to steal again after taking second with a seven run lead. Expect the commissioner's office to step in and fine Lopes for his actions. League rules clearly state you can't instruct a pitcher to hit Henderson unless he mentions Lou Brock again.
Three questions that strike fear into the heart of an athlete: 1) "So, you ever been to the Gold Club?" 2) "Do you think Tony Banks can get this team into the playoffs?" 3) "Hey, can you give Mr. Tyson a ride home from the party?" Hey, whatever I was saying about Fred McGriff, never mind. McGriff finally decided this week to accept the trade to Chicago that was made almost three weeks ago. McGriff took longer to make his travel plans than Derek Jeter takes to pick out a suit.
The American Olympic hockey team was named this past week. For the 2002 games, Team USA is looking for players with different qualifications to avoid another embarrassing showing like the team from Nagano in 1998. They're looking for players who can play both ends of the ice, who are strong leaders, and who can pass a credit check and put up a hotel room security deposit.
Congratulations to David Duval for winning his first Major at this year's British Open. And condolences go out to Ian Woosnam, whose great round as well as his confidence were undone by a two-stroke penalty for having an extra driver in his bag. Apparently, his caddie keeps track of clubs like a drunken Charlie Sheen.
The PGA Tour also negotiated a great deal this week, selling their broadcast rights for 850 million dollars. That's an increase of almost 45% over their current deal. And not only is the money better, under the new deal Tiger Woods only has to work on Sundays.
Even as NFL training camps begin to open, the saga of Ray Lewis continues. Lewis appealed his $250,000 fine from the Commissioner's Office for his involvement in a double-murder two Super Bowls ago. The Commissioner's Office refused to lower the fine, correctly pointing out that only comes to 125K for each dead body.
Fred McGriff turned down a trade this week that would have sent him from league-worst Tampa Bay to the NL Central-leading Chicago Cubs. In fact, on the Devil Rays last road trip, McGriff also elected not to receive a complimentary cup of coffee, spurned an offer for a flight upgrade, and became abusive when asked if he would like to "Supersize" his Big Mac combo. The guy just doesn't like change, I guess.
It was announced this week that the RJR Tobacco Company would drop its sponsorship of the National Hot Rod Association. Under the terms of the Master Settlement Agreement, RJR had to choose only one venue of advertising, and chose to go with NASCAR over the NHRA. This is something for NASCAR to be proud of, I suppose, although it seems a bit like being thankful for all the jobs provided by that nuclear reactor next door. Meanwhile, in a bid to replace tobacco as a sponsor, NHRA is looking at the manufacturers of alcohol, raw bacon, and radiation.
In hockey news, Eric Lindros said Monday he was invited to Canada's pre-Olympic camp. Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke immediately demanded compensation from the Canadian Olympic team, seeking the rights to two downhill skiers, Celine Dion, and Michael J. Fox. Team Canada executive director Wayne Gretzky then made a counter offer for a curler to be named later, Chilliwack, and Tom Green. Don't keep your hopes up, hockey fans.
For the first time ever, the basketball season in Canada has extended past hockey season. Hey, at least Canada has one sport. Right now, the only thing worth watching in Florida is last year's college football tapes.
As the NBA playoffs continue, the Western Conference appears to be heading toward the inevitable Spurs-Lakers matchup. Kobe Bryant missed practice with the Lakers on Saturday, causing the media to ask everyone even remotely involved with the team if he was causing a distraction. Well, according to McDonalds commercials, Kobe doesn't even show up for pregame warmups, so you'd have to think missing practice probably won't affect him. Without practice, Kobe still scores forty-eight and the Lakers sweep out the Kings in four games.
Adding insult to injury after the sweep, Shaquille O'Neal mentioned in his postgame comments he didn't think Chris Webber would return to Sacramento next year and the Kings would be "going back to the expansionism." Dubya jokes aside here, it does seem Shaq harbors some kind of grudge against Sacramento. Did he film "Kazaam" there or something?
Charles Barkley announced this past week he will be moving in with Michael Jordan in the offseason as the two players work out for a possible comeback. Let's see, Jordan and Barkley living together for a month. If one of the networks is interested, I think we've found the middle ground between "Reality TV" and sitcom. I see it as "Boot Camp" meets "The Odd Couple" with a little bit of "Hoop Dreams" thrown in. Check out the hijinks that occur on this week's "Just Hoopin' It" when Scottie Pippen shows up to ask about a sign-and-trade deal, but accidentally gets stuck in Mr. Roper's bathroom.
Speaking of old Bulls, former occasional NBA player Dennis Rodman celebrated his fortieth birthday this week with a celebration involving two live rock concerts and an illegal helicopter landing at his Newport Beach home. Police in riot gear responded, apparently fearing that Rodman had invited his old friend Bill Lambeer over again. Really, though, at forty, Rodman should realize his life is way past "MTV Spring Break" and is perilously approaching "The E! True Hollywood Story."
Was it only two weeks ago when the world of heavyweight boxing was turned upside-down by Hasim Rahman's surprise win over Lennox Lewis? The upset win and unheralded new champion threatened to bring new excitement to boxing, until Don King once again stepped in to return the heavyweight division to normalcy. King signed Rahman, and the discussion about Rahman's next opponent ended. Tyson? Lewis? Holyfield? Some big white guy? Bet on answer "d", fight fans, pass on the next pay-per-view, and we'll get back to you next year.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays called a press conference this week to deny reports of a dispute among team owners that could threaten employee paychecks this month. They would have simply issued a press release, but no one had any change for the copy machine.
In the Dallas Morning News this past week, NFL Players Association executive director Gene Upshaw defended the salary cap, saying it was working in spite of the universal complaints about the system. He also said the salary cap works just as it was supposed to work, and he didn't think it was a bad system. He then left the interview and paid an out-of-work Trent Dilfer five bucks to wash his car.
And finally, the XFL has announced their second season has been cancelled. Experts are warning this may cause another slight drop in the ratings.
Congratulations to Duke on their first national championship in almost ten years, which for Duke must seem like a Demi Moore-esque drought. Thanks for dancing, kids. Last one out of the gym put Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps back in the cage.
Major League Baseball is back, as this past Sunday the Toronto Blue Jays beat Texas 8-1 in the season-opener in Puerto Rico. You know, it's really not a good sign for the Rangers that by the time they get to the continental United States, they're already half a game out of first. Between the Rangers dropping the Intercontinental Title and the Astros struggling to beat their own AA team, it looks like another long season in the Lone Star State.
FBI agents finally closed a case this week involving over a million dollars in autographed baseballs missing from the Hall of Fame. The balls were finally found after it was revealed Rick Ankiel delivered them, so the FBI just looked behind the back wall of the display case.
Darryl Strawberry disappeared after a drug counseling session in Florida and was wanted by the police, which makes exactly one organization still expressing interest in Strawberry. He eventually showed up after rumors came out he was kidnapped. Police are looking for a crime ring specializing in the abduction of athletes who have squandered their careers in off-field incidents. They've also doubled security at the homes of Lawrence Phillips, Steve Howe, and Tony Mandarich.
After an off-season that saw two of their players accused of murder, the National Football League responded decisively by banning bandanas worn around the players' heads. I very rarely get to write about an organization this far out of touch with reality that's not involved with the federal government. A player could take a bus full of hostages this summer and the league would ban earrings.
My vote for the most consistent player in the NBA would have to be Rasheed Wallace. Wallace has smashed his old record for technical fouls in a season with forty, and seven ejections just for giggles. Wallace is living proof of the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, it's the #%$@^& refs fault, you piece of #%$@."
Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi was fined this week for squirting water onto Philadelphia fans, including a friendly fellow who fell through the back wall of the penalty box trying to get to him. Domi was fined a thousand dollars, which appeared to be about two dollars a pound for his admirer. Say what you will about professional athletes but hockey players remain grounded in the way they treat their fans, always there to give them an autograph or impromptu rinse.
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Even though Minute Maid Park wasn't damaged by Hurricane Ike, the Houston Astros are somehow still losing out.
