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1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Joakim On Sunshine
The Chicago Bulls have benched rookie Joakim Noah. Not the Bulls management, the actual team has benched him.
By a unanimous vote, the players suspended Noah for a second game after he got involved in a throwdown with a Bulls assistant coach.
Well, at 14-21 the Bulls might think it through before offering a night off in exchange for bad behavior. If their season gets any worse, Noah might show his remorse by sticking up a liquor store.
The wife of gambling NBA ref Tim Donaghy knows when to hold 'em, apparently. She left a note for the media camped out at their house that said "We have no comment. Period. Please do not knock on our door, ring the bell or wave at us as if we intend to give you the comment that may improve your chances of 'moving up on the food chain.'"
Yeah, God forbid she help anyone do better at work who doesn't deserve it. That seems to be her husband's job.
ESPN is reporting an NBA referee bet on games he worked over the past two years. They're saying the ref made calls to affect the point spreads to win money on the games.
I know there's supposed to be outrage here, but somewhere the NBA has to be pleased that at least people are still paying attention to the games. Wonder if they can train refs to make calls to affect the general excitement level of the NBA? I think having crooked refs could make the games more interesting, at least. It would be fun to try and figure out who's crooked, as opposed to just who hates Stephon Marbury.
Special thanks to our old buddy Whit Watson over at Sun Sports Florida, Whit mentioned the Fistful in his blog today over there. Whit's blog is always a must-read for me, too, check it out here.
Whit's just as funny as me, but with a lot more actual sports knowledge and insight. He can write something like "NBA Commissioner David Stern, who I consider to be utterly brilliant and potentially lethal, has been oddly obtuse when speculating on the cause of the low ratings," and actually know what he's talking about. I write things like "As Daunte Culpepper was being escorted from the Dolphins practice field, he threw his helmet in anger, severly underthrowing the ground by ten yards."
For new readers, thanks for dropping in at the Fistful, and check out the non-sports funny stuff over at Reid About it.com, too. Enjoy the blog!
Now that he's been knocked out of the playoffs in the first round again, Kobe Bryant implored the Lakers to get him some help, so he's not the only star on his team anymore. I've got a great plan to get Kobe the help he needs and make the Lakers the team to be in the NBA again. He can get the best big man in the game, a clutch shooter, and the most respected coach of the modern era. All the Lakers need to make it work is trade two draft picks and Lamar Odom to some team in exchange for a working time machine.
According to Forbes magazine, the New York Knicks are the most valuable team in the NBA. The Knicks lead the league in value at $592 million dollars. Coincidentally, they also lead the league in the valuable commodity of shoot-first-point guards.
The Knicks and Nuggets got into basketball's semi-annual embarassing bench clearing brawl and general tag team assault on Saturday. The Nuggets were winning with a few minutes left and still had their starters in, so the Knicks decided to teach them a lesson by somehow making it even more humilating to be a Knicks fan, and starting a melee with a cheap shot takedown on a breakaway.
After the game finished with ten ejections, Knicks General Insult To Respectability Isiah Thomas blamed the whole thing on the Nuggets for beating them so badly. Honestly. Then to add even more idiocy to the fire, Knick Nate Robinson made a few quotes that left me so awash in stupidity I had to write them down.
"It's basically like a slap in the face, you know to the team. Saying We're going to embarass you guys like that. At the same time, we've got to keep fighting and play through it."
To begin with, it's not basically a slap in the face, there were guys literally getting slapped in the face out there. And more importantly, which one of those things is more important, Nate? Do you want to keep fighting, or to play through it? Because honestly, you guys made a better showing of yourselves in the fight. At least it looks like the Knicks were familiar with the concept of fighting, as opposed to that whole basketball things.
And while I'm at it, if Carmelo Anthony is going to be an idol of men, he needs to learn how to throw a decent punch. That open fist/slapping crap was the worst punch I've seen since Sid Justice was in the WWF.
And speaking of that, if the Knicks are going to be this upset about getting beaten badly, they might as well hook up the ring ropes around the court at Madison Square Garden and start Wrestlemania early. It's going to happen a lot.
Initial Thought: Is it Constitutional to force millionaires not to dress like crack addicts?
The NBA players are up in diamond-and-platinum-encrusted-arms about it, calling the new rule racist. Pacers guard Stephen Jackson responded by wearing every single one of his long, diamond-encrusted chains in protest.
Not just one. Every one that he owned. That's right, an NBA athlete thinks a suitable way to protest against racism is to dress like Mr. T on purpose.
Alleged Nuggets center Marcus Camby said he didn't see players doing it unless the NBA offered to buy their clothes for them. Camby makes more than 7 million dollars this year after taxes and weed. Make your own jokes here, folks.
This weekend was a historic moment for me. For the first time in my lifetime, a professional athlete has stepped up and delivered a promise based not on performance, but rather on his league's desire to have officials lengthen the series. Rasheed Wallace stepped into history when, after his Pistons lost game five to Miami, he said the NBA's referees would make sure Detroit won game six, so there would be a game seven.
I'll always remember where I was when I heard Rasheed say that. It's a special moment for me, just like when Willis Reed limped out onto the court because he was sure the refs wouldn't call him for a charge. It's like Mark Messier guaranteeing the Rangers would win game six against the Devils, because he knew the ref would give them the power play. Rasheed is Babe Ruth, but instead of pointing to the outfield, he's drawing his own postcard-sized strike zone for the umps.
You know, if Rasheed was so certain the NBA was going to ensure a seven game series, why didn't he just stay in Miami and wait for game seven to come back to him? You know why I don't listen to Rasheed Wallce's thoughts on game six? Because Rasheed scored just two more points than I did in game five.
Speaking of idiots, how about Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Junior The Second? Winslow tore his ACL on his motorcycle, riding around a parking lot in circles in the dark. In spite of what happened, you have to appreciate Winslow acting out the perfect metaphor for the Cleveland Browns.
Winslow was also wearing a helmet, but he didn't have it buckled. If he ever plays again, expect the NFL to fine him for a uniform violation.
The big story of this past weekend revolved around the Indy 500, and female driver Danica Patrick. She performed better than any female driver had ever done, and for the moment, silenced a throng of morning DJ's "woman driver" jokes.
Several other Indy drivers were complaining about Patrick after the race, saying she has an unfair advantage because of her lower weight. That's all we need, for a wave of bulimia to sweep through IRL. Can't you see racing teams signing up diuretic sponsorships? Pit crews handing over barf buckets? Midgets brought in to pinch-drive the cars in the final laps?
I'll say this, I'm not a big NASCAR race fan, I don't usually watch IRL, or F1, or Cart or any of the other racing. But when I heard Danica Patrick was going to be racing in the Indy 500...I didn't watch that either. A lot has been made about Patrick, and the ratings her appearance delivered. C'mon, she's not the next Jordan. She's the next Lance Armstrong. She's a standout athlete in a sport that no one pays attention to unless she's in it. Seven out of ten people don't remember who won the Indy 500 last year, and the other three think David Letterman was the winning driver.
Due to some kind of conversational power outage a few weeks ago, every sports talk radio show host in the country was talking about a new study that indicates sports teams who wear red have a better chance of winning. That's nothing new to me, I read it last year in "The Dumbest Things You've Ever Heard Magazine." Come on, did somebody actually get a government grant for this? I'm sure Example A was the Boston Red Sox. Unfortunately, they didn't get to Examples W-Z, which were the Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Reds, Atlanta Hawks, and Chicago Blackhawks.
The hits keep coming for the oversized men of baseball. Former Yankees monolith Jason Giambi has lost most of his endorsements, including his deals for soft drinks, deodorant, and shoes. Luckily for him, he still has his deals with "Dead Weight" brand barbells.
Giant Giants slugger Barry Bonds decided not to speak to the media anymore, and began to only issue statements through his website. Within a few weeks of that announcement, his website had become bloated and oversized, stuffed with information, and very confrontational.
Remember all of that hype and excitement about the Phoenix Suns? Never mind. In spite of having the MVP, Executive of the Year, and Coach Of The Year, the Suns still turned into the Mountain Time version of the Mavericks. Steve Nash is determined to prove that it takes more than just boundless energy and flyaway hair to win a championship.
ESPN has decided to decline their option on the National Hockey League's imaginary games next season. This not only ends the network's long-term relationship with the league, but also ends the league's long-term refusal to accept reality. When the network of poker, Playmakers, and the National Spelling Bee turns down your option, it may be time to rethink your battle plan. When you can't bump the thousandth rerun of that Dale Earnhardt movie, and you're less valuable than a television show featuring newspaper writers yelling at each other, you've got some self-evaluation to do.
And speaking of movies, for the first time ever, an NFL Franchise has made a film more exciting than their franchise. Trust me, by week six, Niners fans will be begging them to turn off the game and put the training video on the Jumbotron.
The Ricky Williams era has ended in the NFL. In spite of his on-field accomplishments, I will remember Ricky more for being the NFL albatross, signifying the eternal torment of every head coach foolish enough to deal with him. Mike Ditka went from legendary head coach to legendary erectile dysfunction sufferer, and Dave Wannstedt is probably headed for every drop of disgrace entitled to a coach who followed Don Shula and Jimmy Johnson. Who knew Ricky had personal problems? I mean other than anybody who saw him in the wedding dress.
Everybody talks about Ricky Williams being so durable, and how he carried the ball more in the last two years than any other running back. Is that supposed to be some kind of incentive for him to come back? "Gee, Ricky, we were really counting on you again this year. We're planning another quarterback controversy between the guy we never liked and the guy who's never been a starter before, and we went out and signed a professional bodybuilder masquerading as a wide receiver to help us. Why wouldn't you want to come back?"
Ricky has admitted to failing an NFL drug test, and also to being friends with Snoop Dogg. Actually, just being in the same car with Snoop Dogg is enough to register positive for drugs. Hangin' with Snoop is usually a sign things are about to go Sizz-outh.
And speaking of Miami, Shaquille O'Neal is going there. First thought: Great, can he play running back?
The best thing about the Shaq signing was the entrance. He comes into town in a black eighteen wheel truck with thousands of people cheering him, with "SHAQ IN BLACK" logos everywhere. Wow. Ric Flair never had that good of an entrance. My favorite part of the opening press conference was when the NBA went ahead and gave Shaq the starting center position for the Eastern Conference All-Star team for the next five years.
Meanwhile, Kobe Bryant resigns with the Lakers, lending them enough star power to attract players like...uh...help me out here. Gary Payton? Vlade Divac? Signing Gary Payton is like getting a really good prize in a box of Cracker Jacks, except the box is from 1996. And Vlade Divac is the kind of signing you don't really want to call a press conference to announce. You normally find that transaction on the back page of the sports section, underneath "Tank McNamara" and the bowling beer-league pictures.
Signing Vlade Divac should serve notice to the Los Angeles Lakers they are no longer Hollywood "A-List" material. When the Lakers throw a party, they will no longer get Jack Nicholson and Brad Pitt. Now, courtside shots will feature Greg Evigan and various ex-reality TV stars.
Seriously, Vlade Divac? Really? Vlade has reached the point where he's not an upgrade, or even a grade of any sort. They showed footage of when the Lakers originally drafted Vlade, and the footage was in black and white. Now he's just a giant hundred-year-old clone of Yakov Smirnoff, stumbling around the court, making some nice passes and tripping on things. I swear I saw him smoking at the free throw line last season.
Lance Armstrong has won yet another Tour De France. It's a shame it's over, because I was really enjoying talking to hundreds of people at work who follow bicycle racing religiously, even though they haven't ridden a bike since they were twelve. Tell me again, oh overweight office manager, about how Lance saves his strength to excel in the mountain stages. Please, share with me your insight on Lance's strategy in the time trial, you chain-smoking car salesman. Use words like "peloton" correctly, I dare you.
Armstrong has had to face accusations of steroid use this year, even though he has never failed a drug test and his accusers have no evidence. Even with the French media harassing him at every turn and convicting him without benefit of trial or evidence, Armstrong remains a gentleman in his rebuttals. Unlike that Barry Bonds jerk, who we all know is juicing.
Florida State's two national championship trophies were stolen a few weeks ago. I don't know who took them, but I did bet Adrian McPherson $100 that they'd turn up by the start of the season.
The Dallas Mavericks have made a trade for Christian Laettner, and NBA experts predict the Mavs aren't finished trading. Of course not. Any time you make a trade for Christian Laettner, you have ulterior motives.
Congratulations to the Detroit Pistons on breaking the tyranny of Western oppression. Congratulations also for grabbing the national headlines for all of eleven seconds before the media returned to talking about the Lakers.
In the playoffs, the Lakers were 4-0 when Kobe flew in from his Colorado rape trial. That's a great statistic, eh? That's like pointing out what the unemployment rate was while the President was having oral sex in the Oval Office. My favorite part of the series was watching Kobe Bryant so utterly driven to frustration by the Pistons defense that he eventually was jacking up three pointers from the bench during time outs.
And now that the playoffs are finished, there are some questions we have to ask, America. Why did the entire country suddenly develop a profound awe for Kobe, and demand everyone give him credit for playing so well in the playoffs? It's not like Kobe was shaking off the flu, or rehabbing an injury, or spending his days in a soup kitchen feeding the homeless. He's fending off rape charges during the day, and playing basketball at night. He's like the opposite of Batman.
Quite frankly, I refuse to open my "Athletic Memories Hall Of Fame" for a player splitting time between a sport and a full-court press to avoid federal prison. Kobe's a hero? Sure. In fact, Kobe may be the greatest hero of all. Imagine how much bigger Joe Montana would be if he'd been up on sexual assault charges the night before Super Bowl XXIII. Think of how the legend of Kirk Gibson would have been elevated if the week before his World Series pinch-hit home run, he had beaten a nun to death with a sock full of pennies in front of an orphanage. I guess it's all in the context.
By the way, Kobe's official stance is that he is an adulterer, but not a rapist. He also admits to killing the sheriff, but staunchly denies shooting the deputy.
I don't want it to seem like I'm down on Kobe. In fact, I wish the NBA had used him more. I wanted to see Kobe in one of those promos where players talk about what they'd do with the NBA Trophy. Can't you picture a promo with Kobe and the trophy sitting on a bed in a hotel room, with him saying he wasn't going to take no for an answer?
In spite of all this, I enjoyed the series, especially the two games in Los Angeles. There's just something about L.A., the city so shallow that x-ray technicians refere to themselves as "filmmakers." My favorite part of the entire Championship? The enormous pair of Los Angeles breasts on the woman sitting over Phil Jackson's right shoulder in every bench shot. In L.A., it's okay to use the Finals as a resume tape.
In horse racing, something big happened. I know this because people were pretending to be interested in horse racing for a couple of weeks, and then it all went away. You know my favorite part about horse racing? When you hear about a good horse, you never find out that his dad is his manager, and he's trying to hold out for more money.
I love the overanalysis of horse racing. One analyst, with a straight face, said Smarty Jones was ready for his big day. Really? How does that happen, does the horse keep a day planner? He comes out and runs on Friday, nobody's there. He runs on Saturday, two hundred thousand people are cheering him on. He comes back on Sunday, nobody's there. I doubt the horse cared too much, especially once he got the concept of "stud."
Lebron James is going to the Olympics. Great. I hope he took some shop classes in high school, because right now Athens needs a team of carpenters and construction workers a lot more than it needs a team of athletes.
It was a fun first few months of the baseball season. Roger Clemens is pitching pretty well for a forty-year old retiree. Every time I call a Barry Bonds home run, it's all I can do to keep from yelling "The needle...and the damage done." And the Yankees early season struggles had Derek Jeter's career expectation going from the Hall Of Fame to dying alone on the soiled floor of an opium den with a needle in his arm, surrounded by overdue library books. Nice of Yankees fans not to jump the gun.
Yankee Alex Rodriguez accepted the Babe Ruth award for hitting the most home runs in baseball last year. Coincidentally, the Babe was another player the Yankees bought from somebody who was strapped for cash.
Cubs outfielder Moises Alou has revealed rather than wear batting gloves, he urinates on his hands to toughen them up. Sadly, Alou is the only quality reliever Chicago has right now.
The average baseball player's salary has fallen to 2.49 million this year. That probably means we'll see them in the offseason at farmer's markets, selling their autographs for quick cash. And not just Darryl Strawberry this time.
There are just a few days remaining until baseball attempts the suicide squeeze. Collect those Montreal Expos souvenirs now, sports fans.
The two sides have made some progress, agreeing on drug testing for the players for the next two years. Of course, this is only a stopgap measure. By next season, the Tigers and Royals will be complaining that the Yankees players are testing positive for more expensive drugs than their players.
One of the problems people have is identifying the problems, as watching Baseball Tonight has suddenly become as tedious as lip- reading C-SPAN. I watched a debate on the luxury tax and revenue sharing the other day. Both sides were well-informed and backed up their position very eloquently. I guess. I mean, within the first three minutes, I was bored out of my mind and scanning to see if "South Park" or "Jackass" was on. The leisurely pace of the negotiations seems to really frustrate baseball fans. If Bud Selig had directed "Field Of Dreams," the guys would have died of old age again by the time they came out of the cornfield.
For the first time ever, Major League baseball streamed an entire game on the internet, showing the Rangers and Yankees this past week. The broadcast reportedly went well, although people with slow internet connections complained the Rangers' pitches didn't appear to be moving at all. Bud Selig said the experiment was a success, then announced plans to contract the internet in 2003.
A jury decided this week that the Florida Marlins were not liable for an eye injury suffered by a fan struck by a flying T-shirt at one of their games. Of course, it probably didn't help that the poor guy was the only guy sitting in left field, and had to lie there for an hour until someone else wandered into his section.
Insert your own joke here: The Texas Rangers announced this week that pitcher John Rocker, who is on the disabled list, would have a nerve test this week. Who's got more nerve than John Rocker? That's like testing Barry Bonds for ego.
The NBA has signed a deal to televise its games in Spanish for the next three years. The agreement calls for Telemundo to receive 15 regular season games, a weekly talk show, and three Laker victory parades.
College football is underway, and this year there's more to play for in Florida than just the National Championship. Florida, Florida State, and Miami are playing for the Florida Cup, a state trophy that sounds like it's taken from Anita Bryant's closet. Like Florida schools needed anything else to hate each other? Giving the team that beats their two biggest rivals a trophy is like presenting the Super Bowl winners with a twenty-dollar Wal- Mart gift certificate. Sometimes the joy is in the winning. And if it's not, it's certainly in the trash talking, gloating, and recruiting advantages.
In other college football news, the Big 12 Conference has announced a tie-in with the Humanitarian Bowl, giving the conference an unprecedented eight Bowl spots for twelve teams. Since pretty much everybody that beats Baylor will get a Bowl game if they're eligible, look for the Big 12 preconference schedules to continue to be easier to get through than Byron Hanspard's last semester at Texas Tech.
The Denver Broncos wound up having to pay for damages resulting from a prank on their rookies. After rookies were covered with flour and maple syrup, they sprayed a fire extinguisher into Shannon Sharpe's dorm room, causing up to three thousand dollars in damages. The team announced they would pay for all damages, as well as any others resulting from someone trying to shut Shannon Sharpe up.
Former Dallas Cowboy Nate Newton was sentenced this week to thirty months in prison on a federal drug trafficking charge after getting caught twice this past year hauling marijuana. Nate pled guilty as part of a plea bargain, which also granted him immunity for fifteen years of holding penalties. Former Falcon/Niner/ Cowboy/Redskin/Member of Hammer's Posse Deion Sanders was a character witness for Newton, saying afterwards that he felt financial pressures led Newton to the illegal activity. You know, it doesn't say much for Newton's agent that he could play in the USFL and fifteen years in the NFL and still not have enough cash to pay his bills without having to make "Smokey and the Bandit Meets Cheech and Chong" pot runs across the lower forty-eight. After sixteen years of pro football, I would hope retirement is more relaxation and less "Midnight Express," wouldn't you?
And finally, Gus Frerotte has won the starting quarterback job with the Cincinnati Bengals. Frerotte (7-8 as a starter, 0-1 vs. stadiums) proved all of his critics wrong when they said he'd never be a starting quarterback in the NFL again. You know, it's not the first time that people have underestimated Jon Kitna.
I'd like to start this column with apologies to all my readers. Last week, I tried to make my jokes a bit longer than usual, but apparently my attempts to "Tiger-proof" the Fistful of Sports were unsuccessful. With his third Masters victory, Tiger Woods now has more green jackets than a color-blind used car salesman.
The Masters started badly, as Sam Snead teed off the ceremonial first shot into the gallery. A spectator was hit squarely in the face by the teeshot. The man then placed his face up for auction at www.SamSneadHitMeInTheFace.com, and made enough money to pay off his student loan.
Speaking of the merchandising outbreak, a piece of gum chewed by Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez has become a national obsession, with bidding reaching $4,000. At one point the Topps company was among the bidders, but they backed out when a question arose as to the authenticity of the gum. Yeah, four grand for Gonzo's chewed gum is completely understandable, but they got squeamish when they felt like they were getting ripped off.
I would actually think for their own good, a company like Topps would want to step in and establish firmly that used gum is not a collectible item. If you're in doubt, just apply this simple rule: Anything that has been inside someone else's mouth is not collectible. No wait, let's expand that, I'd hate to see somebody selling a "World Series Tumor" or "All-Star Appendix" on eBay. Let's just make the simple rule that anything that's been inside the skin is out of the question as merchandising.
New York Yankees fans have filed a lawsuit to try and resolve a dispute between the team's network and a cable company so they can watch the Yankees games. In a related story, thousands of Florida baseball fans are suing a Miami cable company, seeking to get the Marlins games off their televisions.
In the National Basketball Association, the Hornets have reportedly violated league policy by using falsified attendance numbers to try and influence the league to let them move from Charlotte. Come to find out, the Hornets have also been underestimating the size of their locker rooms, jumbo dogs, and Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
The regular season is over for the National Hockey League, and the Detroit Red Wings won the President's Cup for the most regular season points. Actually, the Red Wings clinched home ice advantage sometime while "Rollerball" was still showing in theatres, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Vancouver is a dangerous first-round opponent though, especially for a team as old as the Red Wings. Games in the Pacific time zone begin right about the time that people the age of the Red Wings are wrapping up dinner, turning off "Matlock" and going to bed.
And finally, a New Orleans newspaper is reporting LSU illegally tutored a player last semester. The NCAA rules state prospective student-athletes are prohibited from receiving tutoring from the athletic department. Why is this even a rule? Apparently the NCAA wants to make sure the dumb guys you recruited are the same dumb guys who show up for school.
Well, the NBA has certainly showed Mark Cuban, eh? For his comments about officiating, the Mavericks owner received a fine, a reprimand, and free television time on every news and sports show from "SportsCenter" to "Wake Up Waukegan". Cuban's smiling face serving up soft-serve ice cream to fans was on every major and minor media outlet across the country. That'll show Cuban the NBA means business. With his next infraction, they should tattoo his face just below Britney Spears' navel.
The playoffs are over in Chicago. The Bears lost to Philadelphia, and the closest the Bulls will get to the playoffs was playing on the same day as the Bears. During the season, a lot of people wondered why playoff-bound Chicago would be mentioned as a possible destination for quarterback Drew Bledsoe. The names "Miller and Matthews" would be the answer to their unasked questions. It doesn't matter if your quarterbacks are Jim and Shane or Steve and Dave, when you're down by nine late in the fourth quarter and still running on first down, you need to keep looking.
Meanwhile across town, the Bulls put on a shooting display so awful, they were very nearly outscored by Michael Jordan's statue. With Jordan playing in his first game back, the Bulls welcomed him by missing their first thirteen shots and shooting worse than any NBA team in almost fifty years. The Bulls did put a lot of pressure on Jordan, however, especially in the postgame press conference where he had to be polite in his remarks about them.
So here are the final point spreads for this weekend's games: Brett Favre's interceptions by three over Elvis Grbac. Michael Jordan over the Baltimore Ravens by six. Bears over Michael Jordan by three. Rams defense over Green Bay by four. Rams over the Bulls (through three) by eight. Allen Iverson over the Rams by thirteen.
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers received a helping of Tuna Surprise this week, as Bill Parcells announced he would not be coming out of retirement to coach the Bucs. This leaves the Bucs with no leadership and no game plan for next season. In the NFL, this situation normally calls for George Seifert to be fired.
In other news from the NBA, the Hornets are expected to bolt from Charlotte in the offseason, becoming the New Orleans Hornets. Sounds like some kind of venereal disease you bring back from Mardi Gras, doesn't it?
Major League Baseball has been quiet lately, as plans for contraction are on hold. In the one move this past week of note, Commissioner Bud Selig announced that the next franchise move should go to Washington, thus causing Orioles owner Peter Angelos convulsions similar to the 1989 quake. Stay tuned to this one, sports fans, and warm up the lawyers.
Mike Tyson's wife is divorcing him because of alleged infidelity. Tyson's lawyers will try and show that his wife was mentally incompetent because, hey, she married Mike Tyson, didn't she?
Hey, did anybody else forget to bring their "A-Game" to the Australian Open? I haven't seen this many seeds lost since Marcus Camby's last car accident.
And finally, seven years after the death of Howard Cosell, ABC is canceling his famous "Speaking of Sports" commentaries. That's probably a good thing, since no one will ever replace Cosell. For evidence, check out John Turturro's performance in "Monday Night Mayhem". How can Turturro be the only man in America who doesn't do a Howard Cosell impersonation?
As seen on The Sporting News website! Published there December 7, 2002.
Congratulations to the University of Miami on their National Championship season. The last two years have shown us the BCS system works fine, as long as there is only one undefeated team at the end of the season. We need polls, surveys, and computer programmers to tell us this? A survey this inefficient usually comes with government funding. Over the last two years, it seems like we're finally getting momentum for a national playoff series. The thing is, people want the playoff to determine who's the number two team in the nation.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #1: Spurrier left the University of Florida because he knew he'd get the Minnesota job after Dennis Green orchestrated his own firing so he could join Destiny's Child.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #2: Spurrier left the University of Florida to take over in San Diego, where he will put offensive coordinator Norv Turner out of a job. This is all part of Turner's master plan, however, as Turner then goes to Las Vegas with eleven pals to rob three casinos in one night.
Steve Spurrier Conspiracy Theory #3: Spurrier leaving the University of Florida to go to the NFL is just a ruse to hide his true intentions. Spurrier, Dennis Green, Mike Riley, and George Seifert will be traveling across the country protecting a magic ring from evil forces.
Congratulations to Green Bay Packers quarterback Brett Favre, for gift-wrapping the NFL quarterback sack record and handing it to Michael Strahan. With all due respect to Strahan, that sack record couldn't have been more of a set-up if the LAPD was involved. And weren't you a little bit surprised to see Mark Gastineau on the sidelines without a state trooper chained to him?
While the NFL is busy handing out fines for things they deem harmful to football such as touchdown dances and improper socks, can we see some fines levied against Philadelphia and Tampa Bay for that glorified exhibition game they played Sunday night? I understand wanting to play it safe for the playoffs, but I was just a Keanu Reeves sighting away from declaring this match-up a strike game. I actually saw an on-screen graphic that referred to Rod (He Hate Me) Smart's rushing totals in the XFL. This marks the first time I've ever seen a statistic involving the XFL that didn't mention television ratings.
Jim Mora announced in his tearful press conference he was "not going to quit." Hey, when did we let 6-10 coaches make the call on whether or not to continue? Try that one at work, kids. Announce to your boss and anyone else listening that your work has dropped off 25% from last year, but you're not going to quit. Let me know how that works for you, I think I'll just stick to "O'Leary-ing" my resume, thanks.
In the NBA, Kenyon Martin has discovered how to make friends and influence people, eh? Young players have to realize that the NBA rules have a good bit of fluidity to them. There are certain things you can't do to the game's stars. And there are certain things you can only get away with doing to Karl Malone.
In college basketball this week, eleven of the top twenty-five teams in the nation lost. America now officially takes a nap, and sets the snooze for March Madness.
In baseball, David Wells is poised to return to the Yankees. Reportedly all that keeps the deal from being completed is a delay in Wells taking a physical exam. There's no worry about any injuries, rather it's just hard finding someone who doesn't mind seeing David Wells naked.
The Minnesota Twins have taken the bold step of offering a two-year contract to new manager Ron Gardenhire, which for Gardenhire, appears to be a situation as risky as allowing a Backstreet Boy to purchase something on long-term credit. The Twins have also scheduled their spring training games, starting February 27 against the Cincinnati Reds, followed by games against the California Bears, Springfield Isotopes, and Charlie Brown's team.
The Toronto Raptors turned NBA heads this week by signing Vince Carter to a contract extension and luring Hakeem Olajuwon across the border from Houston. Well, actually across several borders, but you know what I mean. Olajuwon goes from South Texas to Canada? And they said NAFTA would never work.
In other NBA news, Philadelphia has decided not to match a New Jersey offer sheet to Todd MacCulloch. The offer sheet was for a six-year, thirty million dollar contract. The Sixers have declined to match because MacCulloch is, in the words of several analysts, "just a big ol' white guy." Philly plans to make up MacCulloch's 4 points per game by letting Allen Iverson take three more shots.
Ruben Patterson, who entered a modified guilty plea to attempted rape last May, has signed with the Portland Trail Blazers in hopes of cleaning up his image. With the Trail Blazers? The Trail Blazers have a recent history of mental stability like Mariah Carey. What is Patterson going to do, stand next to Rasheed Wallace and look sane in comparison?
An Orioles game at Camden Yard was delayed this week when a streaker came out of the crowd wearing nothing but sneakers and a floppy orange giveaway hat. Sadly, that's the second half season highlight so far for the Orioles. Seriously though, why is it that the people you get to see naked are never the people you want to see naked? You know, Angelina Jolie never drops trou at a Braves game and runs the bases. It's always some naked fat guy with an orange hat and a blood alcohol content above the Mendoza line doing donuts in the outfield. And enough delay of the game. I think law enforcement officials will agree this is what tasers were created for. Tag him, bag him, and put his naked carcass on display in the outfield, where we can laugh and throw peanuts at him during the seventh-inning stretch. It's the American way.
Maybe that's just me, but I am very much against nudity, or at least the nudity of fat guys. On a similar note, I also feel they shouldn't be allowed to make leather pants above a certain size, either. At some point, it's less a fashion statement and more just a wholesale slaughter of cows.
The satellite TV folks have trotted out this year's commercial package, showing guys like Peyton Manning and Javon Kearse signing up for the Sunday Ticket to see all of the NFL games. Sorry to ask the obvious question here, but won't both those guys be a little too busy during the NFL games to be watching TV? Wouldn't Mark Chmura make a better endorser?
This week, former NFL wide receiver Mark Ingram, arrested for carrying $3290 in counterfeit cash, received six months in jail and a quizzical look from the judge for bothering to counterfeit ten dollar bills. Sometimes, you've got to think big, Mark.
And finally, a question to ponder. Which is more proof of sexual bias, the sports media not covering things like the WNBA or WUSA, or the sports media's fanatical fascination with Anna Kournikova's ring finger? I hate to burst everyone's bubble here, fellas, but whether she's spoken for or not, she's got a thing for Russian hockey players. Unless you own a fur-lined trench coat and a last name that ends in "-ov", you're not even in the running.
The NBA pre-free agent market continues to move right along, as Patrick Ewing has made his decision about where to play next season. His final two choices were Orlando and Miami. I'm just assuming here, but I think that officially makes Florida the "Strip Club Capitol of the World." Ewing eventually chose Orlando. He'll offer Alonzo Mourning his kidney, but he won't play ball with him? Must be some kind of Georgetown thing.
In Toronto, the Raptors have agreed to terms with Jerome Williams and Antonio Davis. The Raptors signings were the second-best received sports news in Toronto this week, right behind David Wells having year-ending surgery.
In other NBA news, David Robinson will stay with San Antonio, Eddie Robinson will go to the Bulls, and Clarence Weatherspoon will become a Knick. Of course, even though these deals are announced, none of them will become official until Wednesday. Which is more ridiculous, that the NBA won't admit until Wednesday any of the dozen deals that have already gone down, or that the daily top story from the NBA still involves Wizards practice sessions?
New Detroit Red Wing Dominik Hasek has been hospitalized in the Czech Republic with a mysterious illness. Red Wings owner Mike Ilitch has sent his own personal physician overseas to help with the diagnosis. Boy, nothing says "I certainly do respect your culture, Dom, but I think your physicians are still using leeches" like sending your own family's Trapper John M.D. on a jet plane, does it?
According to her father, two-time Wimbledon champion Venus Williams may quit tennis soon to concentrate on her many endorsement deals. Historically speaking, that's like David Caruso quitting "NYPD Blue" to concentrate on all the movie offers he was getting at the time. Sometimes, it's better to stay busy, kids.
Although NFL training camps won't open for a few weeks, it seems as if the rookies are already starting to learn their lessons. Giants rookie Will Allen was sprayed with gasoline and robbed this past week. Allen was coming home from partying at 4:40 a.m. Sunday when three armed robbers made off with $150,000 of his jewelry. I don't want to shift blame here, but isn't walking around drunk in the middle of the morning with 150 grand of easily pocketed items on your person something the players union should be teaching them not to do? Shouldn't they have a speaker on "Security and Your Bling-Bling: How Not To Get Set On Fire"?
And finally, ignoring China's appalling human rights record, the IOC awarded the 2008 Summer Olympics to Beijing. The announcement was greeted with fireworks, songs, and a celebration capped off by a rousing 21-gun salute into the crowd. No word on whether or not the Summer Games will coincide with the annual "Running of the Tanks." That's covered by ESPN2, I believe.
For the first time ever, the basketball season in Canada has extended past hockey season. Hey, at least Canada has one sport. Right now, the only thing worth watching in Florida is last year's college football tapes.
As the NBA playoffs continue, the Western Conference appears to be heading toward the inevitable Spurs-Lakers matchup. Kobe Bryant missed practice with the Lakers on Saturday, causing the media to ask everyone even remotely involved with the team if he was causing a distraction. Well, according to McDonalds commercials, Kobe doesn't even show up for pregame warmups, so you'd have to think missing practice probably won't affect him. Without practice, Kobe still scores forty-eight and the Lakers sweep out the Kings in four games.
Adding insult to injury after the sweep, Shaquille O'Neal mentioned in his postgame comments he didn't think Chris Webber would return to Sacramento next year and the Kings would be "going back to the expansionism." Dubya jokes aside here, it does seem Shaq harbors some kind of grudge against Sacramento. Did he film "Kazaam" there or something?
Charles Barkley announced this past week he will be moving in with Michael Jordan in the offseason as the two players work out for a possible comeback. Let's see, Jordan and Barkley living together for a month. If one of the networks is interested, I think we've found the middle ground between "Reality TV" and sitcom. I see it as "Boot Camp" meets "The Odd Couple" with a little bit of "Hoop Dreams" thrown in. Check out the hijinks that occur on this week's "Just Hoopin' It" when Scottie Pippen shows up to ask about a sign-and-trade deal, but accidentally gets stuck in Mr. Roper's bathroom.
Speaking of old Bulls, former occasional NBA player Dennis Rodman celebrated his fortieth birthday this week with a celebration involving two live rock concerts and an illegal helicopter landing at his Newport Beach home. Police in riot gear responded, apparently fearing that Rodman had invited his old friend Bill Lambeer over again. Really, though, at forty, Rodman should realize his life is way past "MTV Spring Break" and is perilously approaching "The E! True Hollywood Story."
Was it only two weeks ago when the world of heavyweight boxing was turned upside-down by Hasim Rahman's surprise win over Lennox Lewis? The upset win and unheralded new champion threatened to bring new excitement to boxing, until Don King once again stepped in to return the heavyweight division to normalcy. King signed Rahman, and the discussion about Rahman's next opponent ended. Tyson? Lewis? Holyfield? Some big white guy? Bet on answer "d", fight fans, pass on the next pay-per-view, and we'll get back to you next year.
The Tampa Bay Devil Rays called a press conference this week to deny reports of a dispute among team owners that could threaten employee paychecks this month. They would have simply issued a press release, but no one had any change for the copy machine.
In the Dallas Morning News this past week, NFL Players Association executive director Gene Upshaw defended the salary cap, saying it was working in spite of the universal complaints about the system. He also said the salary cap works just as it was supposed to work, and he didn't think it was a bad system. He then left the interview and paid an out-of-work Trent Dilfer five bucks to wash his car.
And finally, the XFL has announced their second season has been cancelled. Experts are warning this may cause another slight drop in the ratings.
Congratulations to Duke on their first national championship in almost ten years, which for Duke must seem like a Demi Moore-esque drought. Thanks for dancing, kids. Last one out of the gym put Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps back in the cage.
Major League Baseball is back, as this past Sunday the Toronto Blue Jays beat Texas 8-1 in the season-opener in Puerto Rico. You know, it's really not a good sign for the Rangers that by the time they get to the continental United States, they're already half a game out of first. Between the Rangers dropping the Intercontinental Title and the Astros struggling to beat their own AA team, it looks like another long season in the Lone Star State.
FBI agents finally closed a case this week involving over a million dollars in autographed baseballs missing from the Hall of Fame. The balls were finally found after it was revealed Rick Ankiel delivered them, so the FBI just looked behind the back wall of the display case.
Darryl Strawberry disappeared after a drug counseling session in Florida and was wanted by the police, which makes exactly one organization still expressing interest in Strawberry. He eventually showed up after rumors came out he was kidnapped. Police are looking for a crime ring specializing in the abduction of athletes who have squandered their careers in off-field incidents. They've also doubled security at the homes of Lawrence Phillips, Steve Howe, and Tony Mandarich.
After an off-season that saw two of their players accused of murder, the National Football League responded decisively by banning bandanas worn around the players' heads. I very rarely get to write about an organization this far out of touch with reality that's not involved with the federal government. A player could take a bus full of hostages this summer and the league would ban earrings.
My vote for the most consistent player in the NBA would have to be Rasheed Wallace. Wallace has smashed his old record for technical fouls in a season with forty, and seven ejections just for giggles. Wallace is living proof of the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, it's the #%$@^& refs fault, you piece of #%$@."
Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi was fined this week for squirting water onto Philadelphia fans, including a friendly fellow who fell through the back wall of the penalty box trying to get to him. Domi was fined a thousand dollars, which appeared to be about two dollars a pound for his admirer. Say what you will about professional athletes but hockey players remain grounded in the way they treat their fans, always there to give them an autograph or impromptu rinse.
Welcome to the NFL of the nineties, as it looks like all six divisions will be won this year by different teams than last year's champions. Some people would look at that, and say the NFL's desire to level the playing field is working. Let's face it, anyone who's a fan of this system is a fan of a bad football team. Take the guy at work who's shown a renewed interest in the NFL, check his closet and you'll probably find a Cardinals or Rams jersey in there somewhere.
Will somebody make the quarterback go-round stop? Over half the teams in the league are experiencing technical difficulties with their signal-callers, and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon. With two more expansion teams soon to enter the fray and further drain the talent pool, is there anything the NFL can do? If it gets any worse, they'll have to start playing rookie quarterbacks and signing guys in their forties who've been retired for years.
Apparently, it took about ten games for the Cincinnati Bengals to learn about quarterback Neil O'Donnell what they could have learned from any scouting report on Pittsburgh or the New York Jets, so they sent him to the bench. Alternately, they could have learned this information by simply asking any Pittsburgh football fan, any New York sports writer, or Larry Brown.
Another week, another free agent signing. Another team forks over a million dollars to buy a player out of his contract, gives him a raise and pins all of their hopes of the future on him. In the hot stove league that includes Bernie Williams, Randy Johnson, and Mo Vaughn, who'd have thought the first big signing would be former ESPN sports anchor Keith Olbermann? Fox Sports shelled out the big dough for their quick-fix free agent, time remains to tell whether he'll be the Mark McGwire that brings everyone to the ballpark, or the Albert Belle that you immediately regret the morning after.
Speaking of the morning after, Dennis Rodman got married to model/singer/actress/Baywatch Babe/Mensa chairperson (just checking to see if you're still with me) Carmen Electra. The happy couple was excited to learn of their nuptials the next day upon awakening and sobering up. Rodman's inebriated marriage to Electra has caused alcohol consumption nationwide to go up, as guys everywhere attempt to buy into a piece of that luck. Remember fellas, not everyone gets to marry a Baywatch babe. You could wind up married to Tommy Lee. Save the receipts on those gifts, everybody. This one'll turn over like fast food counter help.
In spite of the league's best efforts, the NHL still has less scoring than a first date with Kathie Lee Gifford. After a month, the "fastest game in the world" is pulling in viewers like a Mickey Rourke movie, and that's without the distraction of the NBA. Every time a guy goes on a breakaway and picks up a skier, that's another missed chance for the NHL. Luckily, the NHL continues to do one thing well, and that's give itself a black eye. Last week's Bruins-Capitals game had two hundred and seventy penalty minutes, six fights, and twelve ejections. I watched the highlights of the fights the next day on television, which should show you one of the problems the league is having right there.
Meanwhile in the cold stove league of the NBA, the older players are bunkering down for a long fight with the owners, while the younger players are getting ready to regret not staying in college. Several players are contemplating playing overseas, which should thrill the dozen or so people who have already had the foresight to start a Greek Fantasy Basketball League for next year. The rest of us, we're left to sit and wait, and worse still, listen to Karl Malone.
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