1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Dodgin' The Draft '08
Saturday, 7:30 a.m. - - A predraft catastrophe occurs when the hair of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert is damaged in transit. Luckily, a strike team consisting of a stylist, a makeup artist, and an arc welder are on hand to avert the tragedy.
2:00 p.m. - ESPN's official coverage of the draft begins, as opposed to the unofficial coverage they've been immersed in for the last two weeks.
2:01 p.m. - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the the NFL Draft, telling everyone that the new "streamlined" format of the draft will make things go quicker. That's a good thing, since last year's draft finished during the halftime show of Super Bowl XLII.
2:02 p.m. - Goodell launches right in, announcing the Dolphins pick of Jake Long as the number one pick. To show his approval, Miami's Bill Parcells smiles so briefly, it can only be seen in HD.
2:10 p.m. - ESPN analyst Steve Young says the St. Louis Rams lack heart, and says that Jerry Rice brought heart to his 49ers teams of the 90's. Young has now officially crossed the line from thoughtful analyst to the bitter, doddering old "back in my day" guy. He then calls Chris Long "Chris Young," tells a rambling story about George Seifert's driving, and leaves to go take a nap.
2:12 p.m. - The Rams select Chris Long, son of Howie Long.
2:13 p.m. - The Raiders attempt to select Howie Long, father of Chris Long. Raiders owner Al Davis justifies the decision by saying Howie would "look good in black and silver."
2:14 p.m. - A cutaway shot of Chris Long shows him being interviewed by the NFL Network's Deion Sanders. This serves the twofold purpose of a) reminding football fans everywhere that the NFL Network is also providing draft day coverage, and b) reminding football fans that they don't want to watch it, because Deion Sanders is on it.
2:16 p.m. - A video recap of the past year for the Atlanta Falcons airs, leading Falcons fans to weep like they've just watched a double bill of "Steel Magnolias" and "Terms of Endearment."
2:18 p.m. - ESPN provides a close up of analyst Keyshawn Johnson, who is wearing a pinstriped suit, plaid shirt, and pink polka dotted tie. ESPN HD viewers everywhere throw up.
2:19 p.m. - The Falcons select quarterback Matt Ryan. Somewhere, Michael Vick's cellmate offers to cheer him up by shanking a prison guard for him.
2:27 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss running back Darren McFadden's past, including character concerns, nightclub altercations, and paternity suit problems.
2:28 p.m. - Raiders owner Al Davis responds, "You had me at character concerns," and drafts McFadden.
2:35 p.m. - ESPN analyst Wendy Nix in Kansas City announces the Chiefs want to trade their pick, and will take the entire ten minutes before selecting a player.
2:36 p.m. - The Chiefs, who clearly weren't listening, draft Glenn Dorsey less than sixty seconds after Nix makes her report.
2:37 p.m. - Steve Young talks about Dorsey's "heart," then slips away to drink a cup of hot tea with this month's Reader's Digest.
2:44 p.m. - With the Jets on the clock, New York fans in attendance boo. No reason, just warming up.
2:46 p.m. - The Jets take defensive end Vernon Gholston, and Jets fans break out in hearty cheers that last nearly a minute, until they notice New England has the next pick and start booing again.
2:50 p.m. - ESPN has to use on-screen graphics to explain how last year, the New England Patriots somehow wound up trading draft picks for Randy Moss and losing their first round draft pick for cheating, yet somehow still wound up almost undefeated and have the seventh overall pick.
2:52 p.m. - The Patriots make another monster trade, sending their pick to New Orleans. In exchange, evil genius Bill Belichick gets the Saints next pick, a pick next year, and Harry Connick Junior.
2:57 p.m. - A flurry of trade fever breaks out, as the Jaguars trade up to get defensive end Derrick Harvey. Baltimore swaps with them in exchange for four draft picks, Keyshawn Johnson's polka dot tie, and a top secret ABC memo that explains what's happening on "Lost."
3:08 p.m. - Cincinnati goes on the clock, and selects linebacker Keith Rivers. Analyst Ron Jaworski says he's a player that can "blow up the running back," which is one of the few crimes that haven't yet been associated with the Bengals.
3:16 p.m. - An onscreen graphic shows the Buffalo Bills were 30th in the league in offense, and 31st in defense. The Bills top secret draft folder holds a single piece of paper that says "Draft Needs: Everything."
3:37 p.m. - The Chicago Bears select offensive lineman Chris Williams in an attempt to keep their stable of awful quarterbacks conscious.
3:43 p.m. - With their first round pick, the Detroit Lions draft a wide receiver. Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Lions break with tradition, and just trade the pick rather than screw it up.
3:50 p.m. - An on-screen graphic indicates Arizona's 8-8 finish last year was their best season since 1998, thus reminding Cardinal fans their team has completed their decade-long march back to mediocrity.
3:55 p.m. - The Cardinals draft Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, a player who sounds like a top choice in the WNBA.
4:04 p.m. - The Ravens draft quarterback Joe Flacco, who Mel Kiper, Draft Expert refers to as "an athlete." Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen sends an assistant to research whether that's important or not.
4:30 p.m. - The Dallas Cowboys go on the clock. ESPN mentions that the Cowboys trade for frequently arrested cornerback Pacman Jones is complete, thus simultaneously exciting fans and terrifying strippers all over the Dallas area.
4:39 p.m. - With the loss of running back Julius Jones, the Cowboys elect to replace him. After considering Davey Jones, Jesus Jones, Quincy Jones, and Blackbelt Jones, Dallas settles on Felix Jones.
5:10 p.m. - The Texans make their pick, which they obtained from Baltimore, who got it from Jacksonville, who won it on "Deal or No Deal."
5:35 p.m. - The first round ends with the perfect storm of NFL fanship, as the New York Jets and Giants have back-to-back picks. When the crowd realizes New York gets the final two selections because the Patriots forfeited their pick for cheating, the fans begin what can be described as the world's most overweight, alcoholic victory dance.
Previous NFL Draft Timelines: 2007: Brady Quinn goes into lockdown. 2006: Reggie becomes New Orleans' favorite Bush. 2005: Funny nicknames and falling QBs. 2004: The Great Manning controversy. 2003: The Bengals remain on the clock. 2002: David Carr's biomechanics are questioned. 2001: Ryan Leaf makes Michael Vick a Falcon. 2000: Janikowski, baby. 1999: The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect, eh?
7:00 a.m., Central Standard Time - Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, finishes his ranking of Tom Brady's unborn fetus as one of the "Top Draft Prospects of 2029," and leaves for work.
11:00 a.m. - ESPN's coverage begins. NFL Commissioner and disciplinarian Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the 2007 NFL Draft. Then he warns the Jets fans that if they get too rowdy, he'll "come down there and break some fingers."
11:08 a.m. - New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush appears in a commercial mocking the Houston Texans for not picking him first last year. You get the feeling this will be a theme until Bush reaches the Hall of fame or the Texans reach the playoffs, whichever comes first.
11:11 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. An on-screen graphic indicates they were 32nd in the league last season in offense, and their key offseason loss was quarterback Aaron Brooks. How is that a bad thing? Seems like a good thing to me. The Raiders could have dragged George Blanda out of retirement and stuck him under center, and not finished any worse in the league than 32nd.
11:12 a.m. - ESPN analyst Ed Werder points out the Raiders are the only NFL team over the last ten years to not use a first round pick on a quarterback, running back, receiver, or tight end. Strangely enough, they also have no offensive team meetings, have no audibles, and their offensive playbook is merely the instruction manual from the 1989 video game "Tecmo Bowl."
11:17 a.m. - ESPN shows footage of prospect JaMarcus Russell throwing a football 64 yards while on his knees, as if that's something football fans care about, and the NFL is some kind of Jackass-meets-Punt, Pass, and Kick league.
11:18 a.m. - We get our first camera shot of ESPN analyst Steve Young, who appears to either have had a face lift, or had some scientific experiment to take all the moisture out of his body.
11:20 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders select quarterback JaMarcus Russell. ESPN points out Raiders owner Al Davis admitted not taking quarterback Matt Leinart last year has set the Raiders back for years. And if anybody knows anything about setting the Raiders back for years, it's Al Davis.
11:31 a.m. - Detroit does what Detroit does, which is draft a wide receiver. The Lions have used their first pick on receivers three of the last four years, netting an entire 1401 yards out of those picks last season. General manager Matt Millen makes worse decisions than a drunken sorority girl.
11:41 a.m. - Steve Young describes the Browns upcoming pick of quarterback Brady Quinn as "making a huge statement."
11:42 a.m. - Cleveland selects offensive tackle Joe Thomas instead, leading Browns fans to make the huge statement of "@$%^@!".
11:47 a.m. - While talking about the quarterback's status, somehow the ESPN analysts find themselves in a discussion about what Brady Quinn looks like with his shirt off. Awkward silence ensues.
11:51 a.m. - Discussing Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden's distrust of quarterbacks, the ESPN analysts refer to Rich Gannon as the only quarterback Gruden has ever "been in love with." Again, a moment of realization and awkward silence.
11:54 a.m. - Tampa Bay picks defensive end Gaines Adams, thus mercifully ending the Queer As Folk portion of the NFL Draft.
12:07 p.m. - In an obvious attempt to keep last year's top pick Matt Leinart conscious, the Arizona Cardinals pick lineman Levi Brown.
12:28 p.m. - Minnesota drafts Adrian Peterson to replace their stable of well known running backs they've used in the last few years, including that guy with the funny name, whatsisname that can't stay healthy, and that dude with the whizzinator.
12:29 p.m. - With Atlanta on the clock, ESPN treats it as a foregone conclusion that Brady Quinn will go with the following pick to Miami after the Dolphins two quarterbacks they picked up last year both failed horribly.
12:39 p.m. - The Falcons select Jamaal Anderson, which briefly reminds NFL fans that once upon a time, long long ago, Atlanta actually did play in a Super Bowl with a guy named Jamal Anderson running the ball for them. And...dancing, perhaps? No one seems sure.
12:40 p.m. - Michael Vick gets a text message about his team's draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.
12:46 p.m. - ESPN shows a graphic of the Dolphins starting quarterbacks since the retirement of Dan Marino, including several players so obscure, Chris Berman does not have a joke for them.
12:51 p.m. - Steve Young finishes a five-minute testimonial for quarterback Brady Quinn, including highlights of his best throws, graphics of his abilities, and a haiku about his calm demeanor.
12:52 p.m. - A rare moment of unity is observed, as the Dolphins select receiver Ted Ginn instead of Quinn, and every sports fan in America loses their mind.
1:05 p.m. - Houston drafts defensive tackle nineteen year-old Amobi Okoye, who entered college as a sixteen year-old. How smart is Okoye? Last year, he performed scientific experiments to statistically prove that if the Houston Texans did not draft Reggie Bush, they'd feel stupid about it for years.
1:07 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss the admission of several highly ranked players in this draft have smoked marijuana in college. They also discuss the equally relevant possibilities that some of the players have tasted alcohol, skipped class, or seen R-rated movies.
1:14 p.m. - ESPN's Suzy Kolber reveals that Brady Quinn has been taken away by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to a private suite, away from the television cameras broadcasting his disappointment.
1:15 p.m. - ESPN analysts Chris Berman and the frighteningly taut Steve Young both say that removing Quinn is "exactly the right thing to do," in spite of the fact that a) the only cameras broadcasting his sorrow belong to ESPN, and b) they just finished showing us a two-minute highlight reel of previously disappointed quarterbacks and their long, agonizing waits in front of a worldwide audience.
1:44 p.m. - New York trades up in the draft, and Jets fans let out a deafening cheer that forms a wind steeped in cheap beer and old cheese.
2:12 p.m. - ESPN spends two interview segments and ten minutes talking about how good Brady Quinn is, leading me to wonder why they don't just give him a job.
2:18 p.m. - A mere three hours and seventeen minutes into the draft, Chris Berman announces that we're halfway done with the first round.
2:48 p.m. - We get back-to-back selections from the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, who have to hope that at no point next week their selections both get high and shoot each other in a nightclub.
3:17 p.m. - Dallas Cowboys owner and riverboat gambler Jerry T. Jones, millionaire, swaps up a deal with Cleveland. The Browns get the pick to finally select quarterback Brady Quinn. Jones gets next year's pick from Cleveland, a second-round pick, an assistant coach, a '99 Ford Explorer, and two passes to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
3:25 p.m. - ESPN analysts talk about what a great story the ongoing torment of Brady Quinn has been, and how happy everybody is to see him drafted and on his way to a successful career. Everyone except Miami Dolphins fans, of course.
4:01 p.m. - Dallas and Philadelphia trade picks, which is somewhat akin to the Sunnis and the Shiites sitting down and sharing a ham sandwich.
4:17 p.m. - The Saints choose 29th, after showing last year how a team could turn their season around by selecting the right quarterback in free agency and making the right first draft pick. Sadly, the Dolphins and Texans aren't paying attention, choosing instead to use this time to vote for their favorite "American Idol" contestants.
5:20 p.m. - The first round ends with a running time of six hours and twenty minutes, which causes it to run into the pregame coverage of Super Bowl XLII.
5:15 p.m. - ESPN announces former third pick, can't-miss-franchise-quarterback Akili Smith has just signed a contract to play in the CFL, thus reminding football fans everywhere that as much fun as today is, nothing is guaranteed.
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is going to be a babydaddy. His former girlfriend, alleged actress Bridget Moynahan, is pregnant with his child. I read about it in Mel Kiper's analysis of the upcoming NFL 2028 Draft, and the top fetus prospects.
January, 2006: The Houston Texans go on the clock, with the first pick in the NFL Draft. They publicly resist pressure to draft hometown hero quarterback Vince Young, and say they're determined to sign running back Reggie Bush. Everyone who covers the draft writes Bush's name in ink at the top of their draft boards, ignoring the fact that the Texans have also been "determined" to protect the quarterback, have a winning record, and make the playoffs, and none of these things have successfully happened either.
Sunday: The story breaks that Reggie Bush's family allegedly lived rent-free in an expensive house while he was a student-athlete for USC.
Late Friday night: The Houston Texans announce they have reached a contract agreement, not with Bush, but instead with defensive end Mario Williams. ESPN springs into action, summoning Mel Kiper, Draft Expert by spotlighting a silhouette of his rigid hairline into the skies over Gotham city.
11:00am: The 2006 NFL Draft begins, brought to you by beer, snacks, and other things that are currently keeping sports fans alive all over the country.
11:03am: Chris Mortensen runs down the events of the past week in the life of Reggie Bush. In a two-minute explanation, he uses the word "allegedly" two dozen times.
11:05am: Watching from their rent-free luxury mansion, Bush's father is so distraught, he chooses to relax by taking a dip in their champagne-filled swimming pool.
11:14am: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announces the first pick, with Williams going to the Texans. Jets fans boo the pick, setting the precedent for the draft, the day, and their attitudes for the rest of their lives.
11:18am: FEMA announces they will be making the draft pick for New Orleans. However, they will not be ready to make the decision until October.
11:21am: Reggie Bush's father tries to calm his nerves by taking his solid gold dog for a walk.
11:27am: The Saints take Bush. His family celebrates, figuring with his first contract, they can continue to live rent-free for the rest of their lives.
11:29am: Bush is referred to as a player who can help rebuild the franchise. If he can also help rebuild bridges, homes, and schools, the city has their man.
11:33am: A commercial airs from the state of Louisiana, thanking America for coming back, and the Houston Texans for passing on Reggie Bush.
11:36am: The Titans are up, and draft Vince Young, in spite of the fact that USC quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart is still on the board. And Titans coach Jeff Fisher in a USC graduate. And Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow coached Leinart in college. Leinart checks his horoscope for the day, which reads "Taurus: The stars are aligning against you. Keep your wits about you, and don't worry, it's a dry heat."
11:38am: A graphic indicates that Young is the third quarterback taken third overall since 1996, putting Young in a group with Akili Smith and Joey Harrington. Young's agent promptly sues ESPN for defamation of character.
11:46am: The New York Jets pass on Leinart, and take tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson. In another bad omen for Leinart, for the first time ever, Jets fans don't boo their team's first draft choice.
12:01pm: Already having a quarterback on the roster who's not ready to play in the NFL, Green Bay drafts linebacker A.J. Hawk. Nick Lachey stops returning Leinart's phone calls.
12:06pm: Tight end Vernon Davis is shown crying as San Francisco drafts him. ESPN analysts quickly point out that lots of people cry when they join the 49ers.
12:15pm: Analyst Ron Jaworski devotes five full minutes to raving about Leinart's qualifications, giving the impression that ESPN is about to draft him.
12:25pm: Relying on the combined 342 years of football experience of owner Ralph Wilson and general manager Marv Levy, Buffalo drafts a guy nobody has ever heard of.
12:31pm: Detroit selects linebacker Ernie Sims, ending a six-year run of first-round offensive selections that got them all the way to the 27th best offense in the league.
12:34pm: The Arizona Cardinals respond to their pressing need of having the worst pass defense in the league by finally drafting quarterback Matt Leinart.
12:35pm: Leinart realizes Arizona hasn't had a winning record in seven years, and Howie Mandel comes out to thank him for playing "Deal, No Deal, or the Cardinals".
1:04pm: Cleveland and Baltimore work a trade, which is the equivalent of Jennifer Anniston holding a parking space open for Angelina Jolie.
2:44pm: The Miami Dolphins draft defensive back Jason Allen. Meanwhile, former Miami running back Ricky Williams is courted by a Canadian Football League team, finally giving him an option to play in a country where marijuana is legal.
3:31pm: Chicago goes on the clock. Seizing the opportunity, Buffalo trades up in the draft to grab another player no one has ever heard of. The Bills then shut down the war room to hit the early bird special at Luby's Cafeteria.
4:01pm: The first round ends with New Orleans thrilled, USC disappointed, and Buffalo stunned into a suicide watch.
The new York jets, who have the fourth pick in the draft, have dealt a draft pick for Redskins quarterback Patrick Ramsey. Prior to that, they were also in contention to pick up Falcons quarterback Matt Schaub.
Let's see, New Orleans signed Drew Brees, Detroit went out and got Jon Kitna and Josh McCown, Miami traded for Daunte Cuklpepper, and the Rams signed Gus Frerotte.
Good Lord, doesn't anybody want one of the three quarterbacks coming out in this year's draft? You've got people lining up and signing Jon Kitna just so they don't have to go out and risk their careers on Leinart, Cutler, and Young like they were Leaf, Mirer, and...I'm going to have to say Leaf again. I can't think of anybody else that scary to NFL GMs.
8:00am, Central Time - Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, begins his day by finishing his newsletter on the fifty highest rated prospects for the next Pope. He describes Pope Benedict XVI as a "Papal steal, with plenty of upside."
11:00am - ESPN's coverage of the 2005 NFL Draft begins, featuring six hosts, twelve analysts, three different ESPN networks, a well-dressed Torry Holt auditioning for a broadcasting job, and a reporter standing by at the Michael Jackson trial.
11:05am - NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue informs us that the San Francisco 49ers are on the clock for this year, and probably next year as well.
11:16am - The 49ers select quarterback Alex Smith from Utah.
11:17am - The Miami Dolphins go on the clock, adhering to the draft philosophy "A quarterback...any quarterback."
11:21am - White smoke from a van in the Dolphins parking lot alerts the media that Ricky Williams has placed his vote for next Pope.
11:25am - Miami selects running back Ronnie Brown of Auburn, leaving Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers still on the board. When ESPN goes to their reporter in the Dolphins war room, the Miami jerseys on the wall behind him are numbered 00, and say "Your Name Here".
11:30am - With the 3rd pick, the Cleveland Browns once again try and draft LeBron James. Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert attempts to fire the entire Browns staff.
11:41am - Tampa Bay selects running back Carnell "Cadillac" Williams, starting a run on players with funny nicknames.
11:52am - Tennessee selects cornerback Adam "Pac-Man" Jones.
12:52pm - Washington selects Carlos "Please Don't Make Me Play For The Redskins" Rogers.
1:12pm - ESPN begins to ignore current picks, and concentrate on why Aaron Rodgers has not yet been selected.
1:20pm - For the second draft in a row, Detroit selects a wide receiver named Williams with their first pick. Sunday morning, the Lions staff will realize they've been drafting off of last year's notes.
1:24pm - While discussing the Lions' quarterback situation, ESPN's Chris Berman says backup Jeff Garcia has "won at every level he's been at." The fact that the two teams he's played for in the last two years have two of the first three picks in the draft does not come up.
1:27pm - Dallas makes their first selection. Since neither the Jets nor the Giants have a first round pick, New York fans stay in shape by booing the Cowboys.
1:35pm - ESPN goes live to the Chargers War Room, which appears to be in a darkened grotto.
1:37pm - ESPN interviews Aaron Rodgers, and Suzy Kolber reminds him that Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger was drafted late, too. She does not bring up the wonderful careers of other late-drafted quarterbacks, such as Charlie Batch, Danny Kanell, Stoney Case, or Chris Weinke.
1:42pm - For more analysis, ESPN goes to Trey Wingo, whose name, translated directly from the French, means "very Wingo."
1:58pm - ESPN reminds us the NFL is going to Mexico this year, with San Francisco and Arizona playing a regular season game in Mexico City for the first time. Experts estimate this move will set international relations back twenty years. The NFL will also open up theaters in Mexico, and only show double features of "Gigli" and "Glitter."
2:15pm - ESPN officially starts the Aaron Rodgers suicide watch. Rodgers' mom is shown in the crowd being comforted by Donovan McNabb's mom, who has brought her a fresh bowl of Chunky Soup.
2:46pm - In a programming coup, ESPN announces it has obtained the rights to "Monday Night Football," "Desperate Housewives," and "Meet The Press."
2:52pm - Back in the ESPNXYZ studios, Andrea Kramer leads a discussion about former Vikings receiver Randy Moss which almost ends up in fistfight between Trent Green and Mike Vrabel. This proves conclusively that Moss is a troublemaker, since he was able to stir up problems on two other teams in the middle of the offseason without even being in the room.
3:06pm - Dallas uses Buffalo's first round pick. In short, Buffalo gave Dallas a first round pick and Drew Bledsoe, and the Bills still walked away feeling like they got the better end of the deal.
3:30pm - The Oakland Raiders draft a defensive back in the first round for the fourth time in five years. A commercial airs for a new movie called "No Idea," featuring Drew Barrymore and Jimmy Fallon in the story of a man obsessed with the Oakland Raiders draft. The reviews refer to it as "non-start fun."
3:52pm - Green Bay selects Cal quarterback Aaron Rodgers, ending our long national nightmare. Rodgers thanks the Division Champion Packers for selecting him. Rodgers says he has no pressure now, and can progress at his own rate, learn the game behind Brett Favre, and not have to start until he's ready.
3:53pm - New San Francisco quarterback Alex Smith asks Rodgers if he'd like to swap jerseys with him.
4:09pm - Seattle picks an offensive lineman, in spite of the fact that least year's receiving corps dropped more balls than a drunken juggler in a centrifuge.
4:42pm - Indianapolis drafts defensive back Marlin Jackson, thus confounding Colts fans who are unfamiliar with the concept of "defense."
4:20pm - ESPN pitches to another entire network, ESPNU, for more commentary. Coverage will also spill over onto ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPN News, BET, HGTV, Nickelodeon, and the TV Guide channel.
4:51pm - Philadelphia selects defensive tackle Mike Patterson, then sends him over to Terrell Owens' house to rough him up.
5:02pm - The New England Patriots make their pick, guard Logan Mankins. As has become Boston tradition, Mankins is handed a Red Sox jersey and makes a victory lap around Fenway Park.
5:03pm - The NFL Draft's longest first round ever finally ends. The ESPN crew breaks for snacks, drinks, and a quick re-oiling of the computer parts of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert's brain.
9:52pm - Long known as a man who can lead any running back to a thousand yard season, Denver Broncos coach Mike Shanahan selects Maurice Clarett with the final pick of the third round, thus setting himself up for a risk that would make David Blaine shudder.
Tuesday - A higher court reverses an earlier decision, ruling underclassman running back Maurice Clarett ineligible for the NFL Draft. Clarett's options are now to either appeal, or to try to go back to Ohio State. Since it appears Clarett stopped going to class about a year ago, he opts to appeal.
Wednesday - Archie Manning tells San Diego management he doesn't want the Chargers to draft his son. San Diego is amazed that anyone wouldn't want to be the next choice in their never-ending series of top five draft picks.
Thursday, 9:00AM - Maurice Clarett makes an emergency appeal of his case to Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg. She tells him to get off her lawn.
11:00AM - Archie Manning petitions the NFL to use the karma points he stored up from eleven seasons with the New Orleans Saints to free his son from the burden of San Diego football.
1:00PM - Maurice Clarett makes another emergency appeal to Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens. He denies the appeal. Maurice Clarett's agent realizes that at no point during Clarett's career as a student-athlete at Ohio State did he attend a class in civics, since he appears to think the Supreme Court of the United States functions the same way as an all-night laundromat.
4:00PM - Maurice Clarett appeals his case to Judge Wapner. Rusty the bailiff escorts Clarett out.
Saturday, 8:15AM - From his suburban Batcave, Mel Kiper, Draft Expert finishes his list of the top fifteen prospective suitors for Jesse Palmer.
11:00AM - ESPN begins their 2004 draft coverage. This year's team includes four broadcasters on the desk, Michael Irvin dressed like a giant burnt umber Crayola, eighteen reporters at different teams' draft rooms, Suzy Kolber following the Manning family, two reporters following Suzy Kolber, a current players' panel, a retired players' panel, an overweight players'panel, and Merril Hoge and Ron Jaworski in an isolated underground studio in case of terrorist attack.
11:04AM - The fans at the NFL Draft boo the Manning family when Archie and Eli appear on screen. They would boo the San Diego Chargers, except none of the fans can recognize any Charger except Doug Flutie, who they've seen on ESPN Classic.
11:12AM - Jets fans follow a moment of silence for Pat Tillman with a "U-S-A" cheer. Energized, they follow it up with an "Osama Sucks" chant.
11:25AM - The San Diego Chargers select Eli Manning with the first draft pick. Manning has a look on his face like he's been invited to the Academy Awards as Rosie O'Donnell's date.
11:26AM - Manning holds up a Chargers #1 jersey, but politely declines to put on the customary team cap. The camera shifts to a shot of a 400-pound Chargers fan in a much -too-tight jersey chanting "Wear The Hat." In thousands of homes across America, viewers simultaneously yell at the fan to "Wear A Bra."
11:28AM - Eli Manning gives a post-draft interview where he is so vague and unemotional, he receives electoral votes for the Presidential nomination.
11:35AM - Oakland selects offensive tackle Robert Gallery. His draft status was improved by the fact he appears to be wearing a custom-made suit containing enough material to serve as a tarp for Fenway park.
11:39AM - A commercial airs for the NFL's new product, draft day hats. Their slogan is "As not worn by Eli Manning!"
11:45AM - The Arizona Cardinals select wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald. Analyst Michael Irvin says Fitzgerald will be a Hall Of Famer. Mel Kiper, Draft Expert counters by saying that Fitzgerald will one day be selected Pope.
11:58AM - The New York Giants select quarterback Philip Rivers. Since Rivers is the player San Diego originally targeted, most analysts speculate they are selecting him to trade to the Chargers. This means San Diego used the first pick in the draft to select a player they not only didn't have as the best player on their boards, but a player who also hates them.
11:59AM - Paul Tagliabue goes ahead and writes the words "San Diego" at the top of his notes for the 2005 Draft.
12:07PM - While at the podium announcing the Redskins pick of safety Sean Taylor, Tagliabue announces that New York and San Diego have swapped their picks this year. New York also gives up a third round pick this year, a first and fifth round pick next year, and a lovely fruit basket.
12:18PM - Everyone suddenly remembers that Sean Taylor was drafted eleven minutes ago.
12:20PM - Cleveland trades up one slot to take tight end Kellen Winslow II: Return of the King.
12:28PM - Detroit selects receiver Roy Williams. Michael Irvin chides Williams for staying in college for his senior season. Mel Kiper, Draft Expert counters by knocking Williams for brushing after meals.
12:49PM - Jacksonville selects wide receiver Reggie Williams. This leads to a rare occurence, as the Draft crowd is momentarily too stunned to boo.
12:57PM - Pittsburgh selects quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Tommy Maddox realizes he'll soon be eligible to win the "Comeback Player Of The Year" award again.
1:15PM - The first misspelled "Rothlisberger" jerseys hit the stores in Pittsburgh.
1:50PM - Philadelphia trades up to select offensive tackle Shawn Andrews, even though they already have Tra Thomas and Jon Runyan at tackle. In an interview, Eagles coach Andy Reid admits he also buys his shoes in sets of three.
2:05PM - New Orleans selects defensive tackle Will Smith. Eight seconds later, Smith is the recipient of his first professional "Fresh Prince" joke.
2:48PM - Although Dallas is in severe need of a running back, they pass on Oregon State's Steven Jackson and give their pick to Buffalo, trading out of the first round completely.
4:36PM - The first round ends. In Washington D.C., Vice President Dick Cheney awards a no-bid contract to Halliburton to clean up the mess left by Dallas's draft pick.
5:15PM - Maurice Clarett ponders becoming the best-known running back the Arena Football League has ever known.
Tuesday: Mel Kiper Draft Expert finishes his column examining the diluted urine of Charles Rogers, comparing it to the urine samples of every top ten wide receiver from the last ten years.
Wednesday: The Cincinnati Bengals, who've been on the clock since last September, come to terms with USC QB Carson Palmer on a contract similar to Akili Smith's. This means Palmer gets a back-loaded deal that calls for him to begin his rookie year on the bench, then be jammed into the starting lineup later in a fit of panic, thus ruining his confidence and sending the Bengals back into the draft for a QB again in 2007.
Friday: The New York Jets trade their two first round picks for Chicago's pick. Jets fans are immediately called to full alert to begin booing. Chicago plans to select two disappointing first-round draft picks instead of one.
Saturday, 11:01am - ESPN begins their broadcast, featuring live coverage and analysts from ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN The Magazine, ESPN.com, ESPN Radio, ESPN Classic, ESPN the Breakfast Cereal, and the ESPN Political Caucus.
11:07am - The Oakland Raiders sue Mel Kiper Draft Expert for copyright infringement, claiming the tar-like substance in his hair is too similar to the stickum used by Raiders DB Lester Hayes.
11:09am - The Bengals officially draft Palmer, making him the fifth quarterback on their roster who's not ready to start an NFL game.
11:10am - The Detroit Lions go on the clock. When one of their scouts suggests deciding their pick with a "coin flip," Matt Millen punches him in the throat.
11:12am - In an interview, Palmer refers to current Bengals QB Jon Kitna as a "great quarterback." Mel Kiper Draft Expert immediately points out Palmer will need to improve his reads.
11:13am - Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis is interviewed. He seems to be ready for Cincinnati's season, because he does not smile during the entire exchange.
11:17am - ESPN shows the Detroit Lions draft party at the Silverdome, where thousands of Lions fans are officially giving up on the Tigers.
11:18am - The Lions pick WR Charles Rogers. Chris Mortenson personally analyzes Rogers' urine sample, and pronounces him free of drugs, steroids, SARS, and Dutch Elm Disease.
11:20am - Dennis Green describes Rogers as a "home run hitter." Again, Tigers fans have no idea what he's talking about.
11:27am - The Houston Texans select Miami WR Andre Johnson. Chris Mortenson describes Johnson as a cross between David Boston and Terrell Owens. This paints him as a big, strong receiver who's not afraid to go over the middle, drive drunk, or celebrate excessively.
11:30am - ESPN goes to Merrill Hoge, who has apparently lost a bet and been forced to dress as Dr. Evil.
11:31am - Chris Berman says with a straight face the Jets crowd is "buzzing." The Jets pick Dewayne Robertson, DT from Kentucky. Jets fans cheer, proving conclusively that they are drunk.
11:32am - The Washington Redskins attempt to sign Robertson to an offer sheet.
11:36am - Commercials announce Jim Rome is returning to ESPN. A rider in Rome's new contract prevents anyone from making Jim Everett jokes.
11:40am - Dallas Cowboys pick Terence Newman, a cornerback from Kansas State who is sitting in the crowd with a cell phone stuck in his ear. Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentally makes a note to fine Newman.
11:41pm - In celebration of their draft pick, Cowboys fans in Dallas overturn and destroy a statue of Mel Kiper Draft Expert.
11:54am - Arizona trades their pick to New Orleans, who selects Georgia DT Johnathan Sullivan. It's a questionable move, but really the only way the Cardinals could prevent making another bad top ten pick.
12:10pm - For the second year in a row, the Vikings let the clock run out on them. Jacksonville jumps in front and picks Marshall QB Byron Leftwich. A shot of the Vikings draft party in Minnesota shows a bunch of silent, confused people sitting in what appears to be a barn.
12:11pm - Carolina beats Minnesota to the podium and drafts Jordan Gross, OT from Utah. Donald Rumsfeld announces Vikings fans now officially experiencing "shock and awe."
12:12pm - On-screen graphics illustrate that upwards of two dozen ESPN analysts have no idea what the Vikings are doing.
12:13pm - The Vikings finally select DT Kevin Williams. Almost immediately, the Ravens pick DE Terrell Suggs and Seattle grabs DB Marcus Trufant. ESPN analysts call these defensive additions good picks, even though no one can name even a single offensive player for either team.
12:17pm - An on-screen graphic notes Byron Leftwich is the first QB taken by Jacksonville since Rob Johnson. Somewhere in California, Johnson breaks his collarbone making himself a ham sandwich.
12:21pm - Vikings coach Mike Tice says jokingly his draft problems will get him used to the anxiety level for the regular season. Dennis Green wets himself with laughter.
12:37pm - The New England Patriots draft Texas A & M DT Ty Warren.
12:38pm - While onstage in London, Natalie Maines of the Dixie Chicks expresses shame Ty Warren is from Texas A & M.
12:43pm - Chicago, who rushed for a league-low 85 yards a game last year, drafts DB Michael Haynes of Penn State. The first-round pick is so questionable, the Oakland Raiders sue them for copyright infringement.
12:47pm - The Eagles trade with San Diego for the fifteenth pick. A flustered Chris Berman calls for a commercial break, and interns come out to hose down the crew.
12:52pm - On screen graphics show eight of the top fifteen picks have been defensive linemen. It seems as if either everyone is upgrading their d-lines, or they're unconcerned because they're only playing against Chicago next year.
1:16pm - Arizona selects WR Bryant Johnson from Penn State, then takes DE Calvin Pace out of Wake Forest. The Cardinals have taken 23 minutes to make their picks, which marks the longest they've ever been on national television.
2:02pm - The Cleveland Browns attempt to draft LeBron James.
2:14pm - The Chicago Bears, who signed QB Kordell Stewart in the offseason, pick QB Rex Grossman from Florida. Say what you will about the Bears, this shows they've done their scouting on Stewart.
2:26pm - The Buffalo Bills draft RB Willis McGahee of Miami, in spite of his injured knee. The last time they reached for an injured RB, it was Thurman Thomas. Of course, the last time other teams reached for perfectly healthy running backs, they came up with Lawrence Phillips, James Avery, and Rashaan Salaam. Caveat emptor.
2:50pm - Kansas City, who gave up almost four hundred yards a game last year, picks RB Larry Johnson of Penn State, even though they still have sixteen-hundred-yard-rusher Priest Holmes on staff. Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil is happy, having finally filled out his perfect fantasy football team.
3:48pm - With the final pick of the first round, the Oakland Raiders draft Colorado DE Tyler Brayton, then sue the Tampa Bay Bucs for giving them such a lousy pick in the Jon Gruden deal.
Wednesday, 1:00pm: The Houston Texans announce they will be taking Fresno State quarterback David Carr with the number one pick. Jets fans worldwide boo, just to get into shape for next week's draft day.
Saturday, 5:45am: Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, awakens to find neighborhood youths have broken into his house, and are attempting to chisel off pieces of his hair for sale at an online auction.
11:00am: NFL Draft 2002 coverage gets underway. ESPN's live broadcast team includes twelve people at the draft site, nine anchors, six analysts, a steel cage containing two draft experts and a rabid wolverine, fifteen reporters at NFL sites nationwide, a biomechanics expert, a phone hook-up to Barcelona, one reporter dispatched into the Thunderdome-like crowd, two members of Ozzy Osbourne's family, and Jimmy Johnson.
11:08am: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue welcomes everyone to the draft.
11:15am: In spite of being on the clock since 1999 and already having their choice under contract, the Houston Texans still take seven minutes to announce their pick. Jets fans boo, which to them is the equivalent of pregame stretching.
11:17am: A debate sparks over David Carr's sidearm delivery and its possible effect on his NFL career. Rams coach Mike Martz, who holds a degree in biomechanics, says Carr's delivery will not be a problem, while ESPN analyst Ron Jaworski says Carr will have to change his style of play to make it in the NFL.
11:20am: As the debate intensifies, Jaworski claims Carr "couldn't sling peanuts in the cheap seats with that sidearm junk." ESPN anchor Suzi Kolber slips out for a beverage, leaving Jaworski ranting at the camera like Hulk Hogan before a title match.
11:23am: Carolina selects North Carolina defensive end Julius Peppers. Jaworski offers to take Martz outside in the parking lot, and "compare delivery styles, fathead."
11:26am: In an interview, Texan David Carr calls for peace at the draft. An on-screen graphic indicates the over-under for mentions of the word "biomechanics" is twelve.
11:35am: Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, announces that if the Detroit Lions do not select Oregon quarterback Joey Harrington with the next pick, the terrorists have won.
11:38am: The Lions select Harrington. An on-screen graphic indicates that Harrington is the first Oregon quarterback taken in the first round since Akili Smith, and the first quarterback taken in the first round by Detroit since Andre Ware. Hearing his name mentioned with Smith and Ware, Harrington is visibly frightened.
11:46am: Buffalo makes their first pick, Texas lineman Mike Williams. Buffalo also makes New England an offer for quarterback Drew Bledsoe involving a draft pick next year. An insulted New England counter-offers a Drew Bledsoe bobble-head doll for that trade. Buffalo asks for time to consider the offer.
11:58am: San Diego selects Texas cornerback Quentin Jammer, putting the Dallas Cowboys on the clock. Coverage shifts to the Cowboys draft room, featuring Jerry Jones stalking the room, working the phones like the ghoulish specter of bad drafts past.
12:15pm: The draft clock expires on the Cowboys, leaving every single person in attendance puzzled as to what happens next. The Cowboys War Room becomes the Panic Room. Anarchy briefly breaks out in the crowd, until Jets fans unite everyone in a chant of "Eagles suck."
12:16pm: It is revealed the Chiefs are working out a trade with Dallas to select defensive tackle Ryan Sims, and for a moment the draft skips the Cowboys and turns to the next pick, held by Minnesota. The Vikings, who also want to draft Sims, try to reach the Commissioner to make their pick. In a situation that serves as a metaphor for the Vikings defensive line problems, a Chiefs assistant equipment manager blocks their representative out of the play. Kansas City gets the deal, and drafts Sims.
12:20pm: The problem surrounding the last draft pick is unraveled. Minnesota claims to have had their pick written down, but Kansas City claims to have made the trade before Minnesota's pick. ESPN Classic announces the sixth pick is now an "instant classic," and it will be reshown Saturday night at nine after Bernie Mac in "The Dennis Green Story."
12:37pm: After successfully trading down, Dallas selects Oklahoma safety Roy Williams. Jerry Jones and Jimmy Johnson do interviews where they speak of each other in vague terms.
12:39pm: Unable to draft a disappointing player at this point, the Raiders attempt to trade for one.
12:50pm: Redskins owner Daniel Snyder unsuccessfully attempts to move up in the draft by offering to trade two tickets to the next "Star Wars" movie.
1:03pm: The Cincinnati Bengals turn down offers to trade down, and take Arizona State tackle Levi Jones in spite of the fact he would still be available later in the draft. Bengals coach Dick LeBeau announces Jones is the missing ingredient for the Bengals offense. Somewhere, Bengals quarterback Jon Kitna ponders the phrase "Jon Kitna Ford Lincoln Mercury."
2:31pm: Daniel Snyder trades the Redskins first round pick for a date with newly single Tawny Kitaen.
2:36pm: The Atlanta Falcons, in a surprise move, select Michigan State running back T.J. Duckett. Current Falcons running back Jamal Anderson is reached by phone in Barcelona, where he is covering an NFL Europe game. During the post-game interviews, Anderson slips each coach a copy of his resume.
3:04pm: The Packers and Seahawks trade picks. The ESPN graphics are now featuring six different things moving on the television screen at the same time, not including Mel Kiper, Draft Expert's hair.
3:27pm: In a tradition as old as the draft itself, New York fans greet the first Jets draft pick with a reaction usually reserved for the "Fear Factor Coffin Full O' Spiders." Jets fans decide to protest the pick with a hunger strike which, by the size of most of the fans, could still be going on during next year's draft.
3:50pm: Seattle, who traded down in hopes tight end Daniel Graham would be available, is forced to take Jerramy Stevens instead. Stevens has a character issue to debate, and a hit-and-run incident on his record. Analysts agree the hit-and-run shouldn't hurt his NFL career, nor will it hurt his chances for winning an Oscar.
4:15pm: Redskins coach Steve Spurrier makes his first-round pick, then leaves the draft room for a draft-watching party, which is a lot like Steven Tyler wandering into the crowd to see how the Aerosmith concert is going.
6:00pm: Draft coverage finishes on ESPN, as everyone loosens up their ties except Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, who will not leave his chair for the next forty-eight hours for any reason short of sarin gas.
Saturday, 6:30am, Central Standard Time: Mel Kiper, draft expert, walks out onto his front porch, where his newspaper delivery boy throws his morning paper at his feet. Kiper makes a mental note to downgrade the lad on his Draft Board for 2009.
11:00am: The television coverage begins on ESPN, as the Cleveland Browns go on the clock. In spite of basically being "on the clock" since October of last season, it still takes them ten minutes to select defensive lineman Courtney Brown of Penn State. Penn State fans everywhere cheer at producing the first draft pick for the first time since 1995. Somewhere, Ki-Jana Carter trips over a black cat and falls through a mirror.
11:15am: The Washington Redskins draft the next two players, giving the NFC East Division Champions two impact players for this coming season. In the Redskins War Room, Skins owner Daniel Snyder informs head coach Norv Turner that Norv is now on the clock.
11:45am: A pizza delivery boy arrives, calling out that he's got a large hamburger and anchovy for "Mel Kiper, draft expert." Kiper asks the boy to repeat that loudly, then tips the guy twenty bucks.
12:25pm: Chicago has the ninth pick, and announces that they'd like to use a lifeline.
12:45pm: ESPN's coverage shifts to San Francisco, where after much analysis, reporter Sean Salisbury is finally able to identify the 49ers display jerseys on the broadcast set.
1:00pm: The New York Jets are frustrated because they cannot trade Tampa Bay's first round picks they acquired for Keyshawn Johnson to move up and draft a receiver. Amazingly enough, Tampa Bay is not at all surprised by this.
1:25pm: Jets fans in attendance at the draft are treated to their second-favorite occurrence, as the Jets make the expected pick of defensive lineman Shaun Ellis. Jets fans cheer. The Jets fans are then treated to their favorite occurrence, as the Jets use the very next pick on someone Jets fans weren't expecting to be drafted so high. Jets fans look at the television cameras and scream cries of disgust.
1:45pm: Green Bay drafts tight end Bubba Franks as a possible replacement to Mark Chmura, thus providing protection to Bret Favre and also to babysitters everywhere.
2:10pm: The Raiders continue a draft tradition by making a first-round pick greeted with stunned silence. The Raiders pick kicker Sebastian Janikowski, saying that he will add another element to their team. Analysts agree, since the Raiders don't currently have a Polish kicker on their team who's been arrested for bribery and is in danger of being deported.
2:20pm: A UPS man arrives with a package for "Mel Kiper, draft expert." Kiper asks the man to repeat that loudly, then tips him twenty bucks.
2:45pm: Seattle takes running back Shaun Alexander, two picks before divisional rival Kansas City plans to select him to fill the Chiefs glaring backfield needs.
2:47pm: Kansas City dispatches an intern to place a flaming bag of dog poop outside the door of the Seahawks War Room, then ring the doorbell and run off.
3:00pm: San Diego, having no first round pick, makes a personnel decision by inquiring about a quarterback currently working as a backup on an Arena League expansion team. Chargers fans hope that last line was a joke. Unfortunately, Todd Marinovich's phone is ringing, people.
3:15pm: The draft really starts to get defensive, as Vikings head coach Dennis Green is interviewed. While defending his draft choices of the past two years, Green displays a level of paranoia you normally see associated with people in the Witness Relocation Program. Green reaffirms his draft logic, including last year's first round attempted suicide who is currently on his third NFL roster.
4:45pm: A bondsman arrives with a summons for "Mel Kiper, draft expert." Kiper asks the man to repeat that over the intercom, then tips him fifty bucks.
Saturday, 6:00am, Central Standard Time: Saints coach Mike Ditka calls Indianapolis, offers entire draft of 1999 for Ricky Williams. Colts put him on hold, accidentally hang up.
7:00am: Mel Kiper, draft expert, arrives for the draft after finishing his newsletter on the 100 best eighth-grade football players in the nation.
11:00am: Official television and radio pregame coverage of the draft begins. Analysts are paid thousands of dollars to judge the upcoming careers of young men who haven't played any more professional football than you or I.
11:30am: Ditka calls Colts back, offers to throw in last year's number one pick and next year's number one for Williams. Colts promise to think it over.
11:35am: Cleveland Browns make the first overall selection in the 1999 draft, Tim Couch of Kentucky. Couch receives a handshake from Paul Tagliabue and a soul-kiss from "Big Dawg."
11:36am: Philadelphia Eagles fans begin chanting "We want Ricky" as their team goes on the clock.
11:40am: Eagles fans begin chanting "Eagles suck" as the Eagles select quarterback Donovan McNabb from Syracuse. Other football fans in the crowd who try to assure Eagles fans that McNabb will be a great NFL QB are dragged into the aisles and beaten to death.
11:45am: Ditka calls Colts, throws in two pitchers of margaritas and lifetime supply of Mardi Gras beads. Colts become tempted.
11:55am: Cincinnati selects QB Akili Smith of Oregon with the third pick. Smith talks about taking the summer to learn the Bengals offense. Somewhere in Ohio, Neil O'Donnell thinks about taking the summer to learn the lucrative art of television repair.
11:56am: Ditka calls Colts, offers Mrs. Ditka. Colts hang up.
12:03pm: The Colts select running back Edgerrin James of Miami. The city of Indianapolis suddenly requires one giant Heimlich maneuver. In New Orleans, Mike Ditka opens mouth, drops burning cigar onto Mardi Gras shirt. He will not notice until Sunday morning.
12:04pm: Saints coach Mike Ditka calls Redskins, offers big package of draft picks for Ricky Williams. Redskins general manager Charlie Casserly replies "You had me at hello." Ditka doesn't get it.
12:05pm: Ricky Williams becomes the first and only pick in the 1999 draft for the New Orleans Saints. Ditka, shirt now completely ablaze, takes the phone off the hook and everybody goes out for cold ones.
12:20pm: With Marshall Faulk as their new running back, coach Dick Vermeil feels comfortable enough with his backfield to select wide receiver Torry Holt of North Carolina State. This is called foreshadowing, as Marshall Faulk announces later this day that he won't play for the Rams without a new contract.
12:24pm: Mel Kiper, draft expert, slugs an intern who refuses to refer to him as "Mel Kiper, draft expert."
12:30pm: Washington, who traded their own pick to Minnesota and traded the draft pick they received from Carolina to New Orleans, takes Chicago's pick in exchange for the former pick of New Orleans to move back up one spot below their original pick. ESPN draft gurus all agree this is a bold move, although none of them can remember why.
12:45pm: Arizona uses the draft pick they received from San Diego that allowed the Chargers to get Ryan Leaf last year. The Cardinals take big play receiver David Boston out of Ohio State. The Cardinals try to call the Chargers war room to offer them thanks, but get no answer since San Diego won't be drafting for 52 more picks. However, Chargers management's first big decision of the day is coming up, and after much consideration, they elect to go with Chinese food.
1:30pm: In spite of having the best record in the NFL last year, the Minnesota Vikings are able to select the player they had top-rated in this year's draft, QB Daunte Culpepper of Central Florida. Everyone begins to hate Minnesota.
1:40pm: On ESPN's draft coverage, Chris Berman mentions the retirement of Wayne Gretzky, and Mel Kiper, draft expert, refers to him as a "prospect with good vision, lots of upside, but too small to contribute immediately." When he suggests Gretzky may go as a late round pick to New England, Berman has to slap him.
1:45pm: Chicago, who traded down to get New Orleans' pick from Washington, is awoken from a brief nap to select Cade McNown of UCLA, thus ending the biggest run on quarterbacks ever. Five signal-callers have gone in the first twelve picks, making this possibly the best QB draft ever, or at least since 1983. Owners beam with pride, hoping they just hit the lottery and didn't draft 1999's version of Tony Eason.
2:33pm: The Oakland Raiders, who appear to be drafting with the aid of darts, select offensive lineman Matt Stinchcomb of Georgia. Mel Kiper, draft expert, begins a scathing indictment of the Raiders that only culminates when Chris Berman has him sedated.
2:35pm: Helpful Eagles fans actually stop yelling "Eagles suck," and switch to "Giants suck" after New York selects offensive lineman Luke Petitgout of Notre Dame.
2:45pm: The Dallas Cowboys trade up two places to grab defensive lineman Ebenezer Ekuban of North Carolina, for no apparent reason other than his name is "Ebenezer."
3:15pm: The first round winds up with Denver's pick of Tennessee linebacker Al Wilson. Analysts start talking about the second and subsequent rounds as being important in terms of potential. Sports fans start talking to their families again.
Sunday morning, 2:30am: The first sighting of a drunken New Orleans reveler passed out unconscious in a Ricky Williams Saints jersey was reported. Remember where you were when it happened, kids.
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Saturday, 7:30 a.m. - - A predraft catastrophe occurs when the hair of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert is damaged in transit. Luckily, a strike team consisting of a stylist, a makeup artist, and an arc welder are on hand to avert the tragedy.
