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Well, the football gods have spoken. Deion Sanders questioning someone's toughness is like Magic Johnson questioning someone's grasp of the English language. You just have to listen, because it's the funniest thing you've heard since the glory days of Mike Tyson press conferences.
Hey, remember the time that Deion Sanders made a tackle? I remember that day.
ESPN - Source: NFL tells ref actions against Barnett 'over the line' - NFL
Green Bay linebacker Nick Barnett will file a grievance against NFL official Jim Quirk for wrestling him to the ground during a skirmish in the Bears game last Sunday.
Good idea. While you're at it, why don't you sue NFL Films for the footage of the takedown, so you're not immortalized to future generation as "the linebacker who got taken down by a grandpa?"
Or worse, the first victim on "Don Zimmer's Smackdown."
The Oakland Raiders are writing off this season, just like last season, and the season before that, and the season before that, etcetera. THey've announced that their top pick JaMarcus Russell will start at quarterback this week against San Diego.
Man, nothing says "must see TV" like Oakland starting a rookie with a 24 QB rating against a playoff team that hates them.
Say what you want about the Oakland Raiders, but they do lead the league in quarterbacks who can throw a three interception game at a moment's notice. At least when Josh McCown is in there, they can run more than four different plays. With Culpepper back there, figuring out their offensive gameplan was about as complicated as Tecmo Bowl.
Former Steelers coach Bill Cowher told the Atlanta Falcons that he wasn't interested in being their next head coach, and was going to stay as an analyst. Nice call, Bill. Stay away from accepting jobs that have no future. In the same day, he also turned down the chance to star in the next "Jackass" movie, serve as Gary Busey's AA sponsor, and be John McCain's running mate.
I'm telling you, the Falcons are cursed. They might as well take the Falcon off of their helmet and replace it with an albatross, because that franchise is doomed to wander the league forever. They've never had back-to-back winning seasons, the most popular player they've ever had is now in federal prison, and their coach fled under cover of darkness to live in Arkansas.
There is never a silver lining, just another impending storm.
It's not like they're trying to sneak up on people with some last minute change. The Atlanta Falcons have become the witness protection program of the NFL. They may not even put names on the jerseys. After Michael Vick was suspended, the NFL shop's top selling personalized Falcons jersey was "Sample."
According to ESPN, Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson has a broken finger on his throwing hand. Considering at one point in the third quarter, Jackson had a whopping twelve yards passing, that shouldn't affect his game too much.
This actually might be good for his career. Maybe if his hand is injured, he'll lose that zip on the ball that makes his interceptions so easy to pick out of the air.
Raiders coach Lane Kiffen has said that in spite of his passing game being "embarrassing," he's going to stick with quarterback Josh McCown.
Forget the personal insult to McCown, a quarterback who can't seem to make a connection with any of the dozens of talented players the Raiders have on offense like...uh...Something Porter? Dave Casper? Is Tim Brown still there?
Anyway, this is actually insulting to Daunte Culpepper. What Kiffen is saying is "We suck. We're awful. We're less offensive than PBS."
"However, I think this can still get worse if I put Culpepper in as my quarterback. I would rather put a bag of snails in as my signal caller than Culpepper, because that would increase my chances to win a football game."
I like how the article refers to Culpepper as a "former Pro Bowl player." That's like referring to Britney Spears as a "former entertainer." It's technically true, but it's been quite a while since it was applicable.
Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna says his sudden return from a concussion was "a miracle."
People tuning into this space expecting some kind of "Lions winning two must be divine intervention" joke will be disappointed. The Lions have barely beaten the Raiders, then played an awful game against the Vikings and won after both teams pretty much refused to make field goals to win it in regulation. Two games, seven turnovers.
Don't look skyward to explain the Detroit Lions. Heaven ain't got nothing to do with it. Watching a Lions game in the Matt Millen era is still pure Hell, and for Catholic fans, will count as time served in Purgatory.
That's something I love about living in Texas. You never know when you're going to run into two guys in a pickup truck shopping for clothes dressed as the Dallas Cowboys.
"You know how I know you're gay? I know you're gay because when I picked you up in my truck wearing my Terrell Owens jersey, you went and changed into your Tony Romo jersey so we'd match."
Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports is on vacation this week, and will return next week. For those of you who are curious, that's why I haven't raged against Michael Vick this week.
Seriously, though, have the Atlanta Falcons ever done anything right? This franchise is just cursed. Think of this, they've never had back-to-back winning seasons. Never. Never ever. Even when they won the NFC and went to the Super Bowl, they still found a way to pull it out and go 5-11 the next season.
They've had the most exciting man in pro football (and in dog fighting, apparently) for four years, and have somehow managed to parlay that into absolutely nothing, and are winding it up by losing him in a scandal so disgusting, even in the sometimes horrifying nature of the sports world, it is totally unique.
If the Falcons were a movie, they'd be "Major League 2." They'd do the exact same thing that worked last time, and fail horribly at it.
The dog-fightingest NFL quarterback Michael Vick won't be recognized by the Southern Christian Leadership Convention at their convention this week.
I'm a bit confused. Isn't Vick pretty much already a leader, just of dogfighters? If you were going to try and help out the youth of America, wouldn't it be better to bring in their diabolical leader and try and convince him to stop building dogfighting rings?
If you had the chance to save Lex Luthor, don't you think it might wind up helping the whole Legion of Doom?
Word has come down that a scheduled match at WWE's Summerslam Pay-Per-View featuring the guys from Jackass has been cancelled. That's certainly not a good sign for professional wrestling, is it? When grown men who make their livings stapling things to themselves and defecating in public don't want to sully their good name by associating with the industry of pro wrestling, the future ain't looking too bright. When porn stars won't take free tickets because they don't want to appear low-rent, you're in trouble.
Worse still, another professional wrestling organization has reportedly signed Titans ne'er-do-well Pac-Man Jones. I can't wait for his first "Strip-Club Shootout Match." Better yet, bring in Michael Vick for a dog-collar match. Or how about a battle royal between Pac-Man, Vick, and the entire Cincinatti Bengals team that only ends when Tank Johnson drunkenly drives his SUV through the ring, then gets out and opens fire on the survivors to make sure there were no witnesses? Then when he's done, out of nowhere Barry Bonds repels down into the ring and cleans house with a baseball bat, then his head explodes.
Daunte Culpepper has finally been granted his release after six weeks of open warfare with the Miami Dolphins. I like the way the article says Culpepper "became expendable once the Dolphins made a trade six weeks ago with Kansas City for Trent Green, who'll be Miami's starter entering this season."
Forgive my faulty memory, but it seems more like Culpepper became expendable shortly after arriving in Miami and embarking on that frantic "touchdown-every-other-week" pace. If not that, then right about the time Randy Moss left Minnesota.
Times are tough for everybody it seems. I saw today that Falcons quarterback Michael Vick's benefit event for Virginia Tech had to be postponed because of all the bad publicity he's been getting. No word on when "Dog-Fight-A-Palooza" will be rescheduled. Hopefully it's not on the same night as Pac-Man Jones' "Strip Club Shootout For Seniors" benefit or the "Cincinnati Bengals Drunk-Drivers For Christ Jamboree." I'd hate to have to choose between the events.
Now, after all the trouble that Michael Vick has gone to to thoroughly self-destruct his career (dog fighting, drugs, herpes), leave it to Clinton Portis to throw a monkey wrench in it.
"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, it's his dog," Redskins running back Portis said. "If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business."
Thanks for making a relevant point, CP. People should stick to their own houses, and leave felony criminals alone. Rapists, murders, arms dealers, all of whom should be left to their own devices in Clinton Portis's America.
Redskins offensive lineman Chris Samuels wisely said "You can't accuse this man of something and go ahead and throw the book at him right now. He's got to be convicted first, and I don't think that's fair."
That's completely true. Vick hasn't been proven guilty of anything yet. However, Portis has gone the extra mile to let us know he's proud of his roots as a animal cruelty-loving fucktard.
Alleged Miami quarterback Daunte Culpepper says in spite of the fact he missed the last dozen games of the year, and was so scared about losing his job to a trade or the draft that he released his own press statement saying he was fine, now has said that he'll be ready for training camp. Dolphin fans will be stunned by this, since last year Culpepper not only wasn't ready for training camp, he wasn't ready for the season, the playbook, the snap, the pass rush, or the coaching staff. In fact, at one point I think he lost the ability to lace his own pads up and had to have a trainer stitch him into his pants.
Dolphins fans have to be pretty pleased to be getting Culpepper back, and his frantic every-other-week touchdown pace. No need for Trent Green or some rookie to come in. Culpepper can take them back to the glory days of Jay Feidler.
7:00 a.m., Central Standard Time - Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, finishes his ranking of Tom Brady's unborn fetus as one of the "Top Draft Prospects of 2029," and leaves for work.
11:00 a.m. - ESPN's coverage begins. NFL Commissioner and disciplinarian Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the 2007 NFL Draft. Then he warns the Jets fans that if they get too rowdy, he'll "come down there and break some fingers."
11:08 a.m. - New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush appears in a commercial mocking the Houston Texans for not picking him first last year. You get the feeling this will be a theme until Bush reaches the Hall of fame or the Texans reach the playoffs, whichever comes first.
11:11 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. An on-screen graphic indicates they were 32nd in the league last season in offense, and their key offseason loss was quarterback Aaron Brooks. How is that a bad thing? Seems like a good thing to me. The Raiders could have dragged George Blanda out of retirement and stuck him under center, and not finished any worse in the league than 32nd.
11:12 a.m. - ESPN analyst Ed Werder points out the Raiders are the only NFL team over the last ten years to not use a first round pick on a quarterback, running back, receiver, or tight end. Strangely enough, they also have no offensive team meetings, have no audibles, and their offensive playbook is merely the instruction manual from the 1989 video game "Tecmo Bowl."
11:17 a.m. - ESPN shows footage of prospect JaMarcus Russell throwing a football 64 yards while on his knees, as if that's something football fans care about, and the NFL is some kind of Jackass-meets-Punt, Pass, and Kick league.
11:18 a.m. - We get our first camera shot of ESPN analyst Steve Young, who appears to either have had a face lift, or had some scientific experiment to take all the moisture out of his body.
11:20 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders select quarterback JaMarcus Russell. ESPN points out Raiders owner Al Davis admitted not taking quarterback Matt Leinart last year has set the Raiders back for years. And if anybody knows anything about setting the Raiders back for years, it's Al Davis.
11:31 a.m. - Detroit does what Detroit does, which is draft a wide receiver. The Lions have used their first pick on receivers three of the last four years, netting an entire 1401 yards out of those picks last season. General manager Matt Millen makes worse decisions than a drunken sorority girl.
11:41 a.m. - Steve Young describes the Browns upcoming pick of quarterback Brady Quinn as "making a huge statement."
11:42 a.m. - Cleveland selects offensive tackle Joe Thomas instead, leading Browns fans to make the huge statement of "@$%^@!".
11:47 a.m. - While talking about the quarterback's status, somehow the ESPN analysts find themselves in a discussion about what Brady Quinn looks like with his shirt off. Awkward silence ensues.
11:51 a.m. - Discussing Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden's distrust of quarterbacks, the ESPN analysts refer to Rich Gannon as the only quarterback Gruden has ever "been in love with." Again, a moment of realization and awkward silence.
11:54 a.m. - Tampa Bay picks defensive end Gaines Adams, thus mercifully ending the Queer As Folk portion of the NFL Draft.
12:07 p.m. - In an obvious attempt to keep last year's top pick Matt Leinart conscious, the Arizona Cardinals pick lineman Levi Brown.
12:28 p.m. - Minnesota drafts Adrian Peterson to replace their stable of well known running backs they've used in the last few years, including that guy with the funny name, whatsisname that can't stay healthy, and that dude with the whizzinator.
12:29 p.m. - With Atlanta on the clock, ESPN treats it as a foregone conclusion that Brady Quinn will go with the following pick to Miami after the Dolphins two quarterbacks they picked up last year both failed horribly.
12:39 p.m. - The Falcons select Jamaal Anderson, which briefly reminds NFL fans that once upon a time, long long ago, Atlanta actually did play in a Super Bowl with a guy named Jamal Anderson running the ball for them. And...dancing, perhaps? No one seems sure.
12:40 p.m. - Michael Vick gets a text message about his team's draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.
12:46 p.m. - ESPN shows a graphic of the Dolphins starting quarterbacks since the retirement of Dan Marino, including several players so obscure, Chris Berman does not have a joke for them.
12:51 p.m. - Steve Young finishes a five-minute testimonial for quarterback Brady Quinn, including highlights of his best throws, graphics of his abilities, and a haiku about his calm demeanor.
12:52 p.m. - A rare moment of unity is observed, as the Dolphins select receiver Ted Ginn instead of Quinn, and every sports fan in America loses their mind.
1:05 p.m. - Houston drafts defensive tackle nineteen year-old Amobi Okoye, who entered college as a sixteen year-old. How smart is Okoye? Last year, he performed scientific experiments to statistically prove that if the Houston Texans did not draft Reggie Bush, they'd feel stupid about it for years.
1:07 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss the admission of several highly ranked players in this draft have smoked marijuana in college. They also discuss the equally relevant possibilities that some of the players have tasted alcohol, skipped class, or seen R-rated movies.
1:14 p.m. - ESPN's Suzy Kolber reveals that Brady Quinn has been taken away by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to a private suite, away from the television cameras broadcasting his disappointment.
1:15 p.m. - ESPN analysts Chris Berman and the frighteningly taut Steve Young both say that removing Quinn is "exactly the right thing to do," in spite of the fact that a) the only cameras broadcasting his sorrow belong to ESPN, and b) they just finished showing us a two-minute highlight reel of previously disappointed quarterbacks and their long, agonizing waits in front of a worldwide audience.
1:44 p.m. - New York trades up in the draft, and Jets fans let out a deafening cheer that forms a wind steeped in cheap beer and old cheese.
2:12 p.m. - ESPN spends two interview segments and ten minutes talking about how good Brady Quinn is, leading me to wonder why they don't just give him a job.
2:18 p.m. - A mere three hours and seventeen minutes into the draft, Chris Berman announces that we're halfway done with the first round.
2:48 p.m. - We get back-to-back selections from the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, who have to hope that at no point next week their selections both get high and shoot each other in a nightclub.
3:17 p.m. - Dallas Cowboys owner and riverboat gambler Jerry T. Jones, millionaire, swaps up a deal with Cleveland. The Browns get the pick to finally select quarterback Brady Quinn. Jones gets next year's pick from Cleveland, a second-round pick, an assistant coach, a '99 Ford Explorer, and two passes to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
3:25 p.m. - ESPN analysts talk about what a great story the ongoing torment of Brady Quinn has been, and how happy everybody is to see him drafted and on his way to a successful career. Everyone except Miami Dolphins fans, of course.
4:01 p.m. - Dallas and Philadelphia trade picks, which is somewhat akin to the Sunnis and the Shiites sitting down and sharing a ham sandwich.
4:17 p.m. - The Saints choose 29th, after showing last year how a team could turn their season around by selecting the right quarterback in free agency and making the right first draft pick. Sadly, the Dolphins and Texans aren't paying attention, choosing instead to use this time to vote for their favorite "American Idol" contestants.
5:20 p.m. - The first round ends with a running time of six hours and twenty minutes, which causes it to run into the pregame coverage of Super Bowl XLII.
5:15 p.m. - ESPN announces former third pick, can't-miss-franchise-quarterback Akili Smith has just signed a contract to play in the CFL, thus reminding football fans everywhere that as much fun as today is, nothing is guaranteed.
A bit of embarassment for Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick. The Falcons signal-caller missed a flight to Washington DC to try and lobby Capitol Hill to persuade lawmakers to increase funding for after-school programs.
Rough morning for him, but you know the way the words "Michael Vick" and "airport" normally go together in a wire story, this isn't that bad of an outcome. There was no searching, or throwing away of contraband, or arrests or detentions. Nobody got in the papers for anything monumentally stupid, such as trying to take weed on an airplane in a bottle that you can't take on a plane in any circumstances anyway.
His mom made the appearance on his behalf, and Vick went home of his own free will. Everybody's a winner here, folks.
An Illinois judge has ruled that a Chicago Bears fan who lost a Super Bowl bet to change his name cannot legally become "Peyton Manning." Scott Weise lost the bet after signing a pledge in front of a bar full of people. However, Judge Katherine McCarthy says a name change to the same moniker as the Super Bowl MVP would be too confusing.
So for now, lucky Bears fan Scott Weise can go back to the name his friends know him by, "Joe Dumbass."
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is going to be a babydaddy. His former girlfriend, alleged actress Bridget Moynahan, is pregnant with his child. I read about it in Mel Kiper's analysis of the upcoming NFL 2028 Draft, and the top fetus prospects.
1:00pm - The pregame for Super Bowl XLI begins, brought to you by Chrysler, a CBS show that won't last long, and yet another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all of the characters.
1:01pm - CBS analysts reveal the gametime forecast for Miami calls for "intermittent showers". "Intermittent" in this case meaning more like "begin assembling two of each animal."
2:31pm - A pregame feature on the quarterbacks of Super Bowl XLI shows that at his current pace, Colts QB Peyton Manning will reach the NFL Hall of Fame. Conversely, Bears QB Rex Grossman is currently on pace to have a lousy day, miss the playoffs next year, and be out of football and working at a Hardee's in Jackson, Tennessee by 2009.
2:48pm - Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, who was arrested during the season for having six unlicensed handguns and more than 500 rounds of ammunition, begins his two-hour trip through security.
3:15pm - Former Colts running back Edgerrin James does a pregame interview where he says he's happy for his former teammates, then weeps quietly into his perpetually 5-and-11 official Arizona Cardinals crying towel.
3:48pm - The festivities begin on the field, introduced by Gloria Estefan. As far as Miami cultural icons go, she's right up there with Dan Marino, Elian Gonzalez, and Al Pacino in "Scarface".
5:17pm - New York's piano man Billy Joel sings the national anthem, proving my earlier point about Miami not having any icons.
5:27pm - On the opening kickoff, Bears rookie Devin Hester returns the kick for a touchdown. Tony Dungy becomes the first black coach ever in the Super Bowl to bite through his own tongue.
5:31pm - Miami Police detain Tank Johnson during his player introduction.
5:34pm - CBS analyst Phil Simms gives his keys to the game. Surprisingly, one of them is "Don't kick the ball to Devin Hester, because he'll run it back for a touchdown."
5:39pm - Bears QB Rex Grossman throws a pass that's almost intercepted, leading analysts to point out that Manning is far more accurate with his throws.
5:43pm - Phil Simms uses the telestrator to show how Chicago is trying to deny Peyton Manning the long pass. The Bears are lining up their safeties deep, one in the end zone and the other lined up six rows deep in the stands shielded by a beer vendor.
5:47pm - Peyton Manning throws a 53 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne.
5:49pm - In a marketing tie-in, the Colts elect to Fed Ex the ball to the Bears, rather than kick off.
5:52pm - Thomas Jones runs for 52 yards to set up a touchdown for Chicago.
5:56pm - A new ad campaign for Snickers tells you it's okay for a man to kiss another man for a Snickers bar. It sure seems to be an ad for homosexual prostitution, and not so much for the candy.
6:04pm - The Colts recover the fourth turnover of the quarter. It appears to be raining butter in Miami, from the way they're dropping the ball.
6:32pm - CBS's Jim Nantz mentions flunking out of meteorology school, to which Phil Simms replies, "You should have given the teacher an apple to get her to pass you." Millions of Americans start to wonder what the Hell decade Phil Simms grew up in, since nobody's brought their teacher an apple since "Leave It To Beaver" went off the air.
6:50pm - The Colts fumble again. Not to be outdone, the Bears regift the ball back on the next play.
6:56pm - Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal, sending us to halftime with Indianapolis up 16-14.
7:06pm - The Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show begins, brought to you by Pepsi, the NFL Network, and Prince's hair wrap.
7:07pm - Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his "Purple Rain" soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.
7:13pm - The halftime show features Prince playing songs by Prince, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, and the Foo Fighters. Is this Prince, or Stars on 45?
7:21pm - Millions of sports fans wonder why if Prince and his dancers can perform on a wet stage in high heels without slipping, their team just can't hang on to the damn ball.
7:47pm - Rex Grossman falls down in the backfield for a sack, then fumbles the next snap. The Bears take second down and one, and turn it into fourth down and twelve, thus proving the old adage, "When life gives you crap, make crap-ade out of it."
7:59pm - Kevin Federline appears in the most memorable commercial of the night, for something or other.
8:21pm - Rex Grossman makes the worst pass in a Super Bowl since Steven Tyler tried to pick up Britney Spears at halftime of Super Bowl XXXV. The Colts score.
8:31pm - With the lead 29-17 for Indianapolis, Rex Grossman responds to the pressure by finding an open receiver deep, then throwing a pass so high it wounds a bird. The Colts can't help but make an interception.
8:46pm - The Bears fail to complete a fourth down situation, thus ending the competitive portion of our game.
8:58pm - Colts win, 29-17. Peyton Manning is MVP of the game, his team, and the Manning family.
USC assistant coach Steve Sarkasian withdrew from the coaching race to take over the Oakland Raiders over the weekend, even though he had not yet been offered the job. Good job! Sarkasian also turned down the chance to run Enron, watch a recent Robin Williams movie, and to have a midget punch him repeatedly in the crotch.
A sad day at the Fistful of Sports offices. Bill Cowher has stepped down from the Pittsburgh Steelers after 15 years on the job. On the brighter side of things, Nick Saban has now been coach of Alabama for a whole 48 hours without leaving, so I guess when God closes a door, he opens a window.
I also read that Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen is interviewed in interviewing Bill Cowher's mustache for the Lions head coaching job.
Fans of the Detroit Lions have planned a protest against their horrible, horrible team. I can understand why they're upset, under general mismanager Matt Millen they've been unflinchingly awful since 2001. His firm committment to drafting a wide receiver in the first round every year just hasn't translated into wins.
Lions fans are going to walk out on the last game with 8:57 left in the second quarter. However, just like the Lions plans, this doesn't make any sense.
Let me make sure I've got this. If I'm going to protest the Lions, I have to spend a hundred bucks on a ticket, get up early, buy gas and drive downtown to Ford Field, pay to park, sit there for a few hours, buy a hot dog and soda while I'm waiting, and then wait for halfway through with the second quarter so I can get up, walk out, go home, and watch the game on television?
I've got a better idea, why don't you just mail the Lions a check for two hundred dollars and sleep late on Sunday? It'll serve the same purpose.
So now, a few weeks after his own dad calls QB Michael Vick a "coach-killer", Atlanta Falcons coach Jim Mora, JR. tells a radio show he'd love to go back to his alma mater, and if the job came open at the University of Washington, he'd leave the Falcons even if they were "in the middle of a playoff run." Not exactly the kind of commitment to long-term planning that you want from your executives, I guess, but at least Mora was honest. Until he started backtracking, I mean, and making it sound like he'd never leave the Falcons until they fire him soon.
And that's the enigma of Michael Vick. Any game plan that protects him, limits him. You have to have a system that takes advantage of his skills, but can be used by a regular human quarterback when Vick is out with his annual injuries. He's a supremely talented athlete, not a guy who fits into any system and may never live up to the flashes of potential you see from him. He's big hits and big misses, he's Kevin Costner with better wheels.
And finally, if you're going to call Vick a "coach-killer," shouldn't somebody ask Dan Reeves about that? That's like saying Kevin Federline is a lousy husband, and just restrictying yourself to only one of his baby-mommas.
Let's see, ESPN paid about a billion dollars to secure the rights to Monday Night Football. This year, they've had to carry two Oakland games where not only did the Raiders refuse to score, but the only thing offensive in the entire game was a knee to the groin.
And what kind of piece of crap is Jerramy Stevens that he can get Ro-Sham-Bo'ed on Monday Night Football, and the NFL figures he deserves it and it's not even worth a suspension?
Well, it seems the Dallas Cowboys have given up on Drew Bledsoe and responded to the crowd's cheers for Tony Romo. Cowboys fans will always be able to tell the legend of the quarterback who got his first NFL tackle before he got his first completion.
People are asking "Is Romo a worse option than Bledsoe?" which I don't think is fair. I think they should be asking, "What the Hell has happened to the state of quarterbacking in Dallas since the last time they carted Troy Aikman's concussed body off the field?" Romo, Bledsoe, Quincy Carter, Vinny Testaverde, Ryan Leaf, Randall Cunningham, Anthony Wright, Drew Henson, Chad Hutchinson, Clint Stoerner...these guys ain't exactly the QB Class of 1983.
The Feds have downplayed a reported threat against NFL Stadiums this week, when a website gave a report that dirty bombs would be used against seven stadiums on Sunday. Skeptics say this just gives the NFL an excuse in case home games don't sell out. Face it though, people aren't staying home because they're afraid of a terorist attack. They're staying home because they're afraid they'll have to watch a Raiders game.
Well, after watching the Monday Night Football game this week, I feel vindicated. I threw a party in honor of this being the fifth straight year everyone picked the Arizona Cardinals to not suck, and everyone coming up snake-eyes. S'mores are on me, everybody!
Okay, one day after the mess began with Terrell Owens, I think I've been able to piece together what happened.
Distraught over his non-inclusion in the second season of "Dancing With The Stars", Terrell Owens decided to rehab his broken finger by taking his pain medication, along with an entire bottle of "Miracle Gro" plant food. His agent saw him collapse under the strain of the medication, and the weight of his own ego, and immediately began to calculate the total worth of his contract and called 911. The Dallas media showed up, began to interview each other, and speculated that Owens must have been trying to kill himself, since TO must hate TO the same way the media hates TO. During this time, ESPN reported that Terrell Owens has committed suicide, and quoted him as "dying for our sins." TO went to the hospital, where he made a brief guest-appearance on "Grey's Anatomy" and checked himself out. The entire event was so jarring, Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentioned Owens by name for the first time, and TO actually showed up for practice.
TO's status for this week's game at Tennessee has been upgraded from "Suicidal" to "Probable".
Former NFL Linebacker Bill Romanowski has gotten in trouble for scolding a 12-year-old in a flag football league for dirty play. Romanowski had a well-founded reputation as a dirty player, doing everything from steroids and cheap shots, to spitting on players and sucker-punching one of his own teammates.
Romanowski chided the child, then told him to go back to the huddle and think about what he had done. Then as he turned around, Romo gave him a forearm shot to the kidneys.
In other news, Little League coach Daryl Strawberry has chastized one of his players for "not being able to handle his high".
Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens may or may not have tried to commit suicide. Not sure of what exactly happened, but I know it was serious because Bill Parcells actually referred to him by name.
