1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
Dallas Cowboys: Pinkie Swear
Tony Romo, broken pinkie finger and all, has been upgraded from "No Freakin' Way" to "Questionable" for Sunday's game against St. Louis. Apparently playing against the Rams is so much fun, he doesn't want to let anything come between him and a big day.
Also, the Cowboys have been fined for suspending Pacman Jones. Apparently due to a new rule, teams who have more than one player suspended by the league have to pay part of their salary back to the NFL. Pacman is the second Cowboy to get tossed, so Jerry Jones has to write the league a check.
This seems like another weird rule that's only in place because of the Oakland Raiders. You know how until Oakland came along, nobody ever thought to fumble a ball forward at the end of a game to try and keep a play alive, or figured out that if you covered your whole body in Stickum, you could catch the ball by merely touching it? This seems like another one of those experiences where somewhere along the way, an owner decided it would be easier to get his players suspended than to have to pay their salaries.
It might not have been Al Davis, but that certainly seems to be how Al treats his coaches.
After last week's wins by the Rams and Browns over the Redskins and Giants, I'm thoroughly convinced that no one in the NFL is as good or as bad as they seem to be. When Atlanta and Arizona are suddenly division-leading powers, you can't count on anything to make sense. The Dolphins could come out this week in the Wishbone and the Patriots could start punting on first down, and it wouldn't surprise me. As Henrik Ibsen said, "These are crazy crazy crazy crazy crazy nights."
Actually come to think of it, that might have been Paul Stanley. I'll look it up later.
Anyway, here are the NFL picks for week seven. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind, especially if I have another week like last week. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK SEVEN:
San Diego at Buffalo - After Sunday's Chargers win over New England, I can honestly say I haven't seen someone enjoy a long-awaited beatdown of a hated rival like that since Mel Gibson stuck that evil Redcoat guy at the end of "The Patriot." Pick: Chargers
New Orleans at Carolina - Whose bright idea was it to take the team that gets run out of town by hurricanes and make them play away from home for five weeks and go overseas to London in the middle of the season? That's just cruel. Pick: Saints
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati - Cincinnati Bengals tickets are now officially as hard to unload as Tony Danza autographs. Pick: Steelers
San Francisco at NY Giants - The Giants went almost ten months between defeats, while the Niners have found they're not bothered at all by getting knocked off every seven days. In pure propaganda terms, San Fran should have the edge here since they're on familiar ground. Pick: Giants
Baltimore at Miami - This is a real mismatch. The Dolphins have two offenses, and the Ravens have none. Pick: Ravens
Dallas at St. Louis - Brett Favre called Tony Romo to encourage him about his pinkie finger injury. Apparently, he called him a big sissy, because the next thing you know he was talking about playing, broken finger and all. The question here shouldn't be "Is Romo healthy?" It should be "If we need Romo to beat the Rams, why aren't we panicking more?" Pick: Cowboys
Detroit at Houston - Things are finally looking up for Lions fans. After this week, at least you can get their old jerseys cheap on EBay. Pick: Lions
NY Jets at Oakland - What's up with those blue uniforms the Jets wore last week? It should be a law that your throwback unis actually are from your team, and not a throwback to when you didn't have the same colors and name. It's an homage, it's not the NFL witness protection program. It would be like the Ravens wearing their old Browns uniforms. It's just wrong. Pick: Jets
Indianapolis at Green Bay - Peyton Manning was afraid to mention he had a second knee surgery because it might give his opponents information they could use as an advantage. For this same reason, the Giants once went an entire season without putting Ron Dayne's name on the back of his jersey. Pick: Packers
Seattle at Tampa Bay - The Seahawks offense is beginning to look like an NFL team from one of those commercials where they don't actually buy the rights to use the actual players' names on the jerseys. Pick: Bucs
Also, I'll take the Broncos over the Pats, Skins over Browns, Titans over Chiefs, and the Bears over the Vikings. Feel free to chastise, encourage, or leave your own upset pick of the week in the comments section.
Well, that was certainly fun. The Pacman Jones era in Dallas is now over, or at least on hold. NFL Sheriff Roger Goodell has suspended Pacman indefinitely, with the punishment to last at least four weeks.
The strange thing here is that the suspension actually helps the Cowboys out in one way. Because of Pacman's "Gin Up & Riot" weekend, Dallas now doesn't have to send Tennessee a sixth round pick, and actually gets a fifth round pick back from the Titans next year.
It seems like for his entire career, Pacman Jones has been the kind of athlete that only helps his team by not playing. Perhaps if he were sent to federal prison, Dallas would get a backup quarterback, a player to be named later, and a really nice set of steak knives.
After watching far too many political debates, I can't help but think that polling is the equivalent of the halftime stats. It does tell a story, true, but not one that really matters when it's all over. You can mention them and try and make a case with them, but if the final score doesn't line up with them, who cares?
Unless you're playing some kind of political fantasy football, I suppose. I always figured Karl Rove was doing that.
So here goes with the NFL picks for Week Six. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK SIX:
Cincinnati at NY Jets - Going into what was basically a job interview in Dallas, Bengals wide receiver Chad Ocho Cinco Johnson Mellencamp responded with a jaw-dropping forty-three yards in catches against the Cowboys. No offense, but Kenny Stabler used to gain that much ground with a fumble. Pick: Jets
Baltimore at Indianapolis - The Baltimore Ravens offense lead the league in time of possession, and are in the bottom five in scoring points. This makes them the equivalent of "The English Patient." Long, and very hard to watch. Pick: Colts
Detroit at Minnesota - How can you trust the special teams of the Vikings when their punter couldn't hit out-of-bounds against the Saints? That's worse than not hitting the broad side of the barn, because there's two sidelines. Pick: Vikings
Oakland vs. New Orleans - Al Davis might not be screwing up his team by calling his own defenses, but he's certainly not helping by telling the offensive coordinator to throw it to Biletnikoff. Pick: Saints
St. Louis at Washington - Two coaches, two quarterback changes, still 0-4. The Rams are 13.5 point underdogs in this one, which is still slightly better than the ten point underdogs they were last Sunday during their bye week. Pick: Redskins
Jacksonville at Denver - How could Jacksonville not know the Steelers were going to throw the touchdown pass to Hines Ward inside of the last two minutes of their Sunday night game? In the program, it clearly says "Hines Ward, Ht: 6'0", Wt: 205, Pos: WR who catches TD passes inside of the last two minutes." Pick: Denver
Dallas at Arizona - Kurt Warner has indicated he's thinking about retiring. Show of hands, how many of you thought this had already happened at least once? Pick: Cowboys
Green Bay at Seattle - The Packers are underdogs to a one-win team. That's like people thinking Corey Haim could beat you up. Pick: Packers
Miami at Houston - The evacuation has been lifted in the wake of last week's Rosenfels collapse. Pick: Texans
New England at San Diego - This is definitely a battle between the two best teams in the AFC, unless you want to point out that they've both been beaten by the Dolphins. I don't want to do that, it's like pointing out that Marisa Tomei has an Oscar. Once you accept it, nothing else makes sense. Pick: Patriots
Also, I'll take the Giants over the Browns, Panthers over Bucs, Bears over Falcons, and the Eagles over the Niners.
Houston Texans quarterback Matt Schaub is expected to play this week against the Dolphins. That's probably good news, since Reliant Stadium barely escaped damage in last week's historic Rosenfels collapse.
Think about it. Sage Rosenfels was three-and-a-half quarters into a game that could have earned him a starting job in the league. Instead, he'll go down as the second coming of Joe Pisarcik.
There's an article up on ESPN about the Dallas Cowboys "needing a reality check" because they only beat the Bengals by nine.
This is what happens when writers have to turn in a column, and there's no controversy. In the NFL, you win or you lose. As Bill Parcells said, "Your record is what it is." There's no style points. Beating someone, anyone by nine points is plenty.
I'm constantly amused by people who say "Jimmie Johnson wouldn't let that happen." Really? Like Jimmie wouldn't let his Cowboys lose to a last-place LA Rams team in 1992, when Dallas won their first Super Bowl? Or perhaps in 1993, when the Cowboys dropped a game to the 6-10 Falcons on the way to Super Bowl win number two?
Reality check? Reality, please. No one wins them all, even with Tom Brady, Randy Moss, and all the power of Bill Belicheck crack team of superspies working nonstop.
Really, 4-1 is 4-1. If you're having trouble finding controversies to write about, become a political writer, or investigate why my 401(k) account is shrinking like wet cotton candy.
It seems like we're on pace for one "shocker" every week this NFL season. First it was Miami over New England, then Kansas City beating Denver. Then Britney won a VMA, and Howie Mandel got to host the Emmys, and somebody greenlit a Bill Maher movie, and the next thing you know the whole financial system is crumbling around us. Hopefully this week, we'll get back to sanity.
Anyway, here goes for Week Five. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK FIVE:
Kansas City at Carolina - Tony Gonzalez is displeased with the Chiefs for not throwing him a three-yard pass at the end of the game to set a receiving record. When your team is so bad you can keep track of your own fantasy stats during the game, it might be time for a change. Pick: Panthers
San Diego at Miami - The Dolphins surprised New England with the Single-Wing offense for a win. This week, look for them to bring back the wishbone, the dropkick, the jump pass, and the single-bar helmet. Pick: Chargers
Seattle at NY Giants - For the purposes of discussion, let's just agree that chances are Plaxico Burress isn't a really good guy. The man has a name like an over-the-counter fluoride rinse, so he's probably had to deal with rage issues his whole life. Pick: Giants
Buffalo at Arizona - People keep pointing out this is Buffalo's first 4-0 start since 1992, like that's something they want to remember. That season didn't exactly end as well as Bills fans would hope. It's like reminding Tom Brady how well the Chiefs game was going right up until the point Bernard Pollard parked his helmet on Tom's knee. Pick: Cardinals
Cincinnati at Dallas - Carson Palmer says he'll be ready for the Cowboys, which based on what the Bengals have shown us this year is almost humorous to consider. Factoring in Palmer, Matt Leinart, and Matt Cassel, you have to figure USC quarterbacks are to NFL success as Dane Cook is to watchable movies. Pick: Cowboys
Tennessee at Baltimore - The Titans are the best team in eight years to not have a single marketable offensive star. Not since the 2000 Giants, also led by Kerry Collins, have we had a team simultaneously so good and so nondescript. If you were going to buy a Titans jersey, whose number would you get? Pick: Titans
Atlanta at Green Bay - Aaron Rodgers says he's going to play in this game, which will put him on pace to overcome Favre's record of consecutive starts as soon as the 2024 season rolls around. Pick: Packers
Chicago at Detroit - Without GM Matt Millen, Detroit will need to change the way they do things, beginning with selecting a new starting scapegoat. Pick: Lions
Indianapolis at Houston - The Texans already have that "New Orleans Saints in 2005" vibe to them, where we'll love them next year when we realize what they've already had to overcome since they're completely screwed this year. Pick: Colts
Also I'll take New England over the Niners, Jags over Steelers, Vikings over Saints, Eagles over Skins, and the Broncos over the Bucs.
This is a new one. Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has been fined twenty-five thousand dollars for comments about a referee that wasn't even working his games.
"I stepped out of bounds," Jones told ESPN. "Roger [Goodell] is doing his job."
Translation: "I found twenty-five thousand dollars in loose bills in an old pair of pants I wear to clean out my solid gold pool, so I don't give a crap. I've made my point, so I'll pretend to care."
Here's a quick memo to the suits at FOX. Stop showing us highlights of baseball during the football games. I tune in to watch the Cowboys and the Redskins play, not to see Milwaukee Brewers highlights. In fact, if you're wondering just exactly when I'd like to watch Milwaukee Brewers higlights, the answer is almost never. They fall somewhere on the list after "According to Jim" reruns, that awful new 90210 show, the video game channel, the furniture refinishing channel, and anything with Star Jones.
For future reference, you're paying 712 million dollars a year to have the rights to the NFL, even the Detroit Lions. Baseball coverage costs you about forty-eight bucks a week, plus expenses. Don't ask us to pretend to care, especially in Texas. Baseball season has been over since Cowboys Camp opened. Show us the game.
As part of my duties here at the Examiner, every week it falls upon me to sift through the internet chatter and tell you who's going to win this week's NFL games. Of course, for some reason I'm also responsible for taking the trash to the dumpster, refilling the water cooler, and opening Dan Telvock's mail to weed out junk mail and catalogs, for some reason. It stinks being the new guy.
Anyway, here are the picks for Week Three. As always, these are merely the opinions of one man and should not be used as the basis for any financial investment of any kind. Your mileage may vary. If rash develops, discontinue usage.
WEEK THREE:
Cincinnati at NY Giants - Is this a good time to complain about having too many Bengals on my fantasy football team? How many is too many, you ask? One. Pick: Giants
Tampa Bay at Chicago - I love the way Jon Gruden runs things. "Jeff Garcia is out with an ankle injury." "Hey, I'm not hurt!" "Oh. Then you're out because you suck." Pick: Bucs
NY Jets at San Diego - Norv Turner couldn't get a big call if he had one of those giant phones from Sharper Image. Pick: Chargers
Kansas City at Atlanta - Somewhere, someone will have to watch this game. Hopefully, next week we'll have a telethon for them. Pick: Falcons
Oakland at Buffalo - Al Davis threatens to fire Lane Kiffen, the Raiders win a big game. This week Al is quietly under sedation, so the Raiders don't even bother to bring all of their pads. Pick: Bills
Carolina at Minnesota - The Vikings have benched Tarvaris Jackson for Gus Frerotte, who hasn't been a starting quarterback since he lost a head-butt fight with Jack Kent Cooke Stadium. Calling Tarvaris Jackson a "quarterback" is like calling a schnauzer a Senator. I don't even think he's aware of the job requirements. Pick: Panthers
New Orleans at Denver - Look for Mike Shanahan to try and go for two if he wins the coin-flip. Pick: Broncos
St. Louis at Seattle - Statistically speaking, one of these teams will probably win this game. At this point, I have had as many plays inside the opponent's twenty yard line as the Rams. Pick: Seahawks
Cleveland at Baltimore - Remember when this was supposed to be a rivalry? Me either. Pick: Ravens
Miami at New England - New England after Tom Brady is still the Patriots. Unfortunately, Miami after Dan Marino is still the Dolphins. Pick: Patriots
Other Picks: Tennessee over Houston, Cardinals over Washington, Lions over 49ers, Colts over Jags, Eagles over Jags, and Cowboys over Packers.
At this point, is that bad news? They tried to get Kiffen to resign back in January, but he wouldn't take the hint. At this point, getting cut loose from the Raiders is like getting a day pass out of Hell. If I'm in the Kiffen family, I'm hanging streamers and happily updating my resume. This isn't a franchise with a long history of anything except front office insanity.
That's one thing about being a head coach in the NFL, there's only 32 jobs available. If you want one, you have to put up with crazy stuff sometimes like overbearing owners, absentee owners, and owners who don't even know who you are.
Al Davis was quoted in the article as saying "He's not the guy I hired." That begs the question, exactly who does Davis think he hired? Did he greenlight the hire based on seeing the name "Lane," and think he was hiring Bobby Layne? Dick "Night Train" Lane? Lois Lane?
Bengals wide receiver Chad Johnson has finally gone over the bend. He has now legally changed his name to his nickname. Johnson will now get paychecks made out to "Chad Ocho Cinco."
It's a good thing he didn't pick his other common nickname, or the PA would be announcing "And at number eighty-five for Cincinnati, Chad Dumbass..."
Three months ago, Brett Favre is retiring. People are crying. The Packers are making plans to retire his jersey at the very first game of the season. Wisconsin people make plans to attend his ceremony in Canton in five years.
Fast forward to now. I think I can state with confidence right now that nobody knows what's going on.
Favre wants to play, the Packers don't want him (or maybe they do), fans are confused, Aaron Rodgers is laughed at, the commissioner is involved, and the Vikings are salivating.
Seriously, is there any other way that Green Bay could have fallen so quickly, so painfully? They went from 13-3 and hosting the NFC Championship game, to hosting a public relations nightmare that perhaps only Enron can sympathize with.
If the unliving corpse of Vince Lombardi had risen from the grave and started eating tailgaters in the Lambeau Field parking lot, it wouldn't have all turned this quickly.
Newly signed Oakland Raiders wide receiver Javon Walker was found in Las Vegas unconscious, after apparently getting knocked out during a robbery. Vegas police are looking for suspects, but have already ruled out the Raiders quarterbacking staff, because they haven't been able to hit an open receiver in years.
Ba-DUM-bum.
Anyway, good luck with finding who robbed Walker. It's probably the same guy who shot Tupac back in 1996, judging from the wonderful job they've done finding him.
Saturday, 7:30 a.m. - - A predraft catastrophe occurs when the hair of Mel Kiper, Draft Expert is damaged in transit. Luckily, a strike team consisting of a stylist, a makeup artist, and an arc welder are on hand to avert the tragedy.
2:00 p.m. - ESPN's official coverage of the draft begins, as opposed to the unofficial coverage they've been immersed in for the last two weeks.
2:01 p.m. - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the the NFL Draft, telling everyone that the new "streamlined" format of the draft will make things go quicker. That's a good thing, since last year's draft finished during the halftime show of Super Bowl XLII.
2:02 p.m. - Goodell launches right in, announcing the Dolphins pick of Jake Long as the number one pick. To show his approval, Miami's Bill Parcells smiles so briefly, it can only be seen in HD.
2:10 p.m. - ESPN analyst Steve Young says the St. Louis Rams lack heart, and says that Jerry Rice brought heart to his 49ers teams of the 90's. Young has now officially crossed the line from thoughtful analyst to the bitter, doddering old "back in my day" guy. He then calls Chris Long "Chris Young," tells a rambling story about George Seifert's driving, and leaves to go take a nap.
2:12 p.m. - The Rams select Chris Long, son of Howie Long.
2:13 p.m. - The Raiders attempt to select Howie Long, father of Chris Long. Raiders owner Al Davis justifies the decision by saying Howie would "look good in black and silver."
2:14 p.m. - A cutaway shot of Chris Long shows him being interviewed by the NFL Network's Deion Sanders. This serves the twofold purpose of a) reminding football fans everywhere that the NFL Network is also providing draft day coverage, and b) reminding football fans that they don't want to watch it, because Deion Sanders is on it.
2:16 p.m. - A video recap of the past year for the Atlanta Falcons airs, leading Falcons fans to weep like they've just watched a double bill of "Steel Magnolias" and "Terms of Endearment."
2:18 p.m. - ESPN provides a close up of analyst Keyshawn Johnson, who is wearing a pinstriped suit, plaid shirt, and pink polka dotted tie. ESPN HD viewers everywhere throw up.
2:19 p.m. - The Falcons select quarterback Matt Ryan. Somewhere, Michael Vick's cellmate offers to cheer him up by shanking a prison guard for him.
2:27 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss running back Darren McFadden's past, including character concerns, nightclub altercations, and paternity suit problems.
2:28 p.m. - Raiders owner Al Davis responds, "You had me at character concerns," and drafts McFadden.
2:35 p.m. - ESPN analyst Wendy Nix in Kansas City announces the Chiefs want to trade their pick, and will take the entire ten minutes before selecting a player.
2:36 p.m. - The Chiefs, who clearly weren't listening, draft Glenn Dorsey less than sixty seconds after Nix makes her report.
2:37 p.m. - Steve Young talks about Dorsey's "heart," then slips away to drink a cup of hot tea with this month's Reader's Digest.
2:44 p.m. - With the Jets on the clock, New York fans in attendance boo. No reason, just warming up.
2:46 p.m. - The Jets take defensive end Vernon Gholston, and Jets fans break out in hearty cheers that last nearly a minute, until they notice New England has the next pick and start booing again.
2:50 p.m. - ESPN has to use on-screen graphics to explain how last year, the New England Patriots somehow wound up trading draft picks for Randy Moss and losing their first round draft pick for cheating, yet somehow still wound up almost undefeated and have the seventh overall pick.
2:52 p.m. - The Patriots make another monster trade, sending their pick to New Orleans. In exchange, evil genius Bill Belichick gets the Saints next pick, a pick next year, and Harry Connick Junior.
2:57 p.m. - A flurry of trade fever breaks out, as the Jaguars trade up to get defensive end Derrick Harvey. Baltimore swaps with them in exchange for four draft picks, Keyshawn Johnson's polka dot tie, and a top secret ABC memo that explains what's happening on "Lost."
3:08 p.m. - Cincinnati goes on the clock, and selects linebacker Keith Rivers. Analyst Ron Jaworski says he's a player that can "blow up the running back," which is one of the few crimes that haven't yet been associated with the Bengals.
3:16 p.m. - An onscreen graphic shows the Buffalo Bills were 30th in the league in offense, and 31st in defense. The Bills top secret draft folder holds a single piece of paper that says "Draft Needs: Everything."
3:37 p.m. - The Chicago Bears select offensive lineman Chris Williams in an attempt to keep their stable of awful quarterbacks conscious.
3:43 p.m. - With their first round pick, the Detroit Lions draft a wide receiver. Ha-HA! Just kidding. The Lions break with tradition, and just trade the pick rather than screw it up.
3:50 p.m. - An on-screen graphic indicates Arizona's 8-8 finish last year was their best season since 1998, thus reminding Cardinal fans their team has completed their decade-long march back to mediocrity.
3:55 p.m. - The Cardinals draft Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, a player who sounds like a top choice in the WNBA.
4:04 p.m. - The Ravens draft quarterback Joe Flacco, who Mel Kiper, Draft Expert refers to as "an athlete." Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen sends an assistant to research whether that's important or not.
4:30 p.m. - The Dallas Cowboys go on the clock. ESPN mentions that the Cowboys trade for frequently arrested cornerback Pacman Jones is complete, thus simultaneously exciting fans and terrifying strippers all over the Dallas area.
4:39 p.m. - With the loss of running back Julius Jones, the Cowboys elect to replace him. After considering Davey Jones, Jesus Jones, Quincy Jones, and Blackbelt Jones, Dallas settles on Felix Jones.
5:10 p.m. - The Texans make their pick, which they obtained from Baltimore, who got it from Jacksonville, who won it on "Deal or No Deal."
5:35 p.m. - The first round ends with the perfect storm of NFL fanship, as the New York Jets and Giants have back-to-back picks. When the crowd realizes New York gets the final two selections because the Patriots forfeited their pick for cheating, the fans begin what can be described as the world's most overweight, alcoholic victory dance.
Previous NFL Draft Timelines: 2007: Brady Quinn goes into lockdown. 2006: Reggie becomes New Orleans' favorite Bush. 2005: Funny nicknames and falling QBs. 2004: The Great Manning controversy. 2003: The Bengals remain on the clock. 2002: David Carr's biomechanics are questioned. 2001: Ryan Leaf makes Michael Vick a Falcon. 2000: Janikowski, baby. 1999: The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect, eh?
The trade of strip club legend and alleged football player Pacman Jones has hit a snag, sources said. The Cowboys have offered Tennessee Frogger Johnson and a draft pick. The Titans are holding out for a higher pick and the rights to Dig-Dug Jackson.
Good Lord, how many bad QBs does Tampa Bay need? The Bucs traded for Brian Greise, giving them roughly thirty-one quarterbacks under contract.
Generally speaking, if the Bears give up on a quarterback, there's not much talent left there. Picking up a signal caller from Chicago is like picking an accountant out of the Thrifty Nickel. The best you can hope for is that he'll only take your money without doing you serious harm.
Even worse, Greise spent time with Miami. Post-Dan Marino, Dolphin quarterbacks have a track record like Robert Downey, Jr.
Sunday, January 27, 5:30pm - The New England Patriots defeat the San Diego Chargers to advance to the Super Bowl, and continue their undefeated season. Bookies make the Patriots fourteen-point favorites to win the Super Bowl.
8:30pm - The New York Giants defeat Green Bay in overtime, earning the NFC Championship as a Wild Card team. Oddsmakers adjust, making the Patriots six-hundred-point favorites to win the Super Bowl.
Tuesday, January 29 - Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is seen in New York, visiting his supermodel girlfriend, Gisele Bundchen. On the way, he stops and buys a winning lottery ticket, finds a rare coin in his pocket, and strikes oil in her front yard.
Friday, February 1 - Patriots coach Bill Belichick stops off at Fotomat to pick up his pictures, then by force of habit takes the photos of six other people home with him.
Saturday, February 2 - Mercury Morris, member of the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins team, admits he's rooting for the Giants. He also admits he'd like a shot at Bundchen, if that doesn't work out for Brady.
Sunday, February 3, 5:00pm - The Super Bowl coverage begins, live from University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona. The irony here is that the University of Phoenix doesn't even have a football team, and yet they can get closer to a Super Bowl than the Arizona Cardinals.
5:10pm - The Giants take the field, accompanied by a video package entitled "Resiliency."
5:15pm - The Patriots take the field, accompanied by a video package entitled "The Importance of Beating The Point Spread."
5:18pm - American Idol winner Jordin Sparks lip-synchs the heck out of the national anthem.
5:25pm - In a surprise standout defensive performance, the Giants keep the Patriots from scoring during the opening coin flip.
5:30pm - The game officially begins, brought to you by beer, trucks, and commercials containing the only new writing on television in the last six months.
5:44pm - The Giants score a field goal on their opening possession. We celebrate with a Diet Pepsi Max commercial based on a twelve year-old Saturday Night Live skit. Forget what I just said about new writing for the commercials.
6:02pm - Lawrence Maroney scores, giving the Patriots the lead. Fans everywhere assume we're seeing the start of an onslaught of points. Unfortunately, they also assume the new season of "Lost" will clear everything up.
6:08pm - In a marketing tie-in, Tom Brady appears on American Idol, where he brings Simon to tears with a perfect rendition of "I Will Always Love You."
6:10pm - The Giants get a big catch from Amani Toomer, a receiver whose name sounds like a well-dressed polyp.
6:11pm - The Giants get a delay of game penalty. In a commercial, Peyton Manning yells at his brother Eli.
6:13pm - The Patriots go three-and-out, and have to call a time-out to see if they remembered to pack a punter.
6:54pm - Halftime, Patriots lead 7-3. Anyone who bet the "under" is very happy.
7:01pm - The Fox halftime hosts tell us to go to our computers and vote on whether or not we think the Patriots are the greatest dynasty ever. Considering the outcome of the game is still very much in doubt, that seems a bit premature. That's like asking if that's the best burger you've ever eaten while you're still sitting in the drive-through lane.
7:05pm - The halftime show begins, with Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers performing. They lead with "American Girl," from their 1976 debut album. It's always good to open a show at a sporting event with a song so old, some of the players might have been conceived to it.
7:06pm - Bill Belichick sends an assistant coach to videotape Tom Petty's performance, just in case.
7:25pm - The second half begins, brought to you by punters, animated bugs, and killer robots from the future.
7:35pm - Belichick challenges a call, saying the Giants had twelve men on the field. For further evidence, he shows the refs the footage shot by his hidden cameraman.
8:01pm - The third quarter ends with no score, leaving us with either the tightest, most thrilling Super Bowl ever, or a game with less offense than France in a major conflict.
8:04pm - Fittingly, the fourth quarter begins with a punt. In a commercial, a Terminator unit from the future informs Sarah Conner that this Super Bowl is the beginning of the end.
8:08pm - A camera shot shows injured tight end Jeremy Shockey in the crowd, watching his Giants and drinking beer. This leads to the question "If you're on the team and injured, how big of a jackass do you have to be to not even be invited onto the field?"
8:11pm - The Giants throw a touchdown pass, breaking what feels like a week and a half drought since our last points. Our long national nightmare is over.
8:12pm - Somewhere in a darkened nightclub, Pacman Jones celebrates by punching a stripper in the face.
8:23pm - An on-screen graphic indicates both quarterbacks have a QB rating of right around 77. That's always something you want in the biggest game of the year, two guys running right about room temperature.
8:39pm - Brady hits Randy Moss for the go-ahead touchdown, reminding us all that "Hey, Randy Moss plays for the Patriots!"
8:56pm - Eli Manning throws a touchdown pass to give the Giants the lead. Brother Peyton pumps his fist, and promises to honor his brother in yet another series of television commercials. 9:03pm - A final heave for the Patriots is tipped away, and the Giants win 17-14. Bill Belichick leaves the field with one second remaining on the clock. The perfect season is broken, and somewhere, Miami Dolphins fans are happy for the first time in more than twenty years.
Well, the football gods have spoken. Deion Sanders questioning someone's toughness is like Magic Johnson questioning someone's grasp of the English language. You just have to listen, because it's the funniest thing you've heard since the glory days of Mike Tyson press conferences.
Hey, remember the time that Deion Sanders made a tackle? I remember that day.
ESPN - Source: NFL tells ref actions against Barnett 'over the line' - NFL
Green Bay linebacker Nick Barnett will file a grievance against NFL official Jim Quirk for wrestling him to the ground during a skirmish in the Bears game last Sunday.
Good idea. While you're at it, why don't you sue NFL Films for the footage of the takedown, so you're not immortalized to future generation as "the linebacker who got taken down by a grandpa?"
Or worse, the first victim on "Don Zimmer's Smackdown."
The Oakland Raiders are writing off this season, just like last season, and the season before that, and the season before that, etcetera. THey've announced that their top pick JaMarcus Russell will start at quarterback this week against San Diego.
Man, nothing says "must see TV" like Oakland starting a rookie with a 24 QB rating against a playoff team that hates them.
Say what you want about the Oakland Raiders, but they do lead the league in quarterbacks who can throw a three interception game at a moment's notice. At least when Josh McCown is in there, they can run more than four different plays. With Culpepper back there, figuring out their offensive gameplan was about as complicated as Tecmo Bowl.
Former Steelers coach Bill Cowher told the Atlanta Falcons that he wasn't interested in being their next head coach, and was going to stay as an analyst. Nice call, Bill. Stay away from accepting jobs that have no future. In the same day, he also turned down the chance to star in the next "Jackass" movie, serve as Gary Busey's AA sponsor, and be John McCain's running mate.
I'm telling you, the Falcons are cursed. They might as well take the Falcon off of their helmet and replace it with an albatross, because that franchise is doomed to wander the league forever. They've never had back-to-back winning seasons, the most popular player they've ever had is now in federal prison, and their coach fled under cover of darkness to live in Arkansas.
There is never a silver lining, just another impending storm.
It's not like they're trying to sneak up on people with some last minute change. The Atlanta Falcons have become the witness protection program of the NFL. They may not even put names on the jerseys. After Michael Vick was suspended, the NFL shop's top selling personalized Falcons jersey was "Sample."
According to ESPN, Vikings quarterback Tarvaris Jackson has a broken finger on his throwing hand. Considering at one point in the third quarter, Jackson had a whopping twelve yards passing, that shouldn't affect his game too much.
This actually might be good for his career. Maybe if his hand is injured, he'll lose that zip on the ball that makes his interceptions so easy to pick out of the air.
Raiders coach Lane Kiffen has said that in spite of his passing game being "embarrassing," he's going to stick with quarterback Josh McCown.
Forget the personal insult to McCown, a quarterback who can't seem to make a connection with any of the dozens of talented players the Raiders have on offense like...uh...Something Porter? Dave Casper? Is Tim Brown still there?
Anyway, this is actually insulting to Daunte Culpepper. What Kiffen is saying is "We suck. We're awful. We're less offensive than PBS."
"However, I think this can still get worse if I put Culpepper in as my quarterback. I would rather put a bag of snails in as my signal caller than Culpepper, because that would increase my chances to win a football game."
I like how the article refers to Culpepper as a "former Pro Bowl player." That's like referring to Britney Spears as a "former entertainer." It's technically true, but it's been quite a while since it was applicable.
Detroit Lions quarterback Jon Kitna says his sudden return from a concussion was "a miracle."
People tuning into this space expecting some kind of "Lions winning two must be divine intervention" joke will be disappointed. The Lions have barely beaten the Raiders, then played an awful game against the Vikings and won after both teams pretty much refused to make field goals to win it in regulation. Two games, seven turnovers.
Don't look skyward to explain the Detroit Lions. Heaven ain't got nothing to do with it. Watching a Lions game in the Matt Millen era is still pure Hell, and for Catholic fans, will count as time served in Purgatory.
That's something I love about living in Texas. You never know when you're going to run into two guys in a pickup truck shopping for clothes dressed as the Dallas Cowboys.
"You know how I know you're gay? I know you're gay because when I picked you up in my truck wearing my Terrell Owens jersey, you went and changed into your Tony Romo jersey so we'd match."
Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports is on vacation this week, and will return next week. For those of you who are curious, that's why I haven't raged against Michael Vick this week.
Seriously, though, have the Atlanta Falcons ever done anything right? This franchise is just cursed. Think of this, they've never had back-to-back winning seasons. Never. Never ever. Even when they won the NFC and went to the Super Bowl, they still found a way to pull it out and go 5-11 the next season.
They've had the most exciting man in pro football (and in dog fighting, apparently) for four years, and have somehow managed to parlay that into absolutely nothing, and are winding it up by losing him in a scandal so disgusting, even in the sometimes horrifying nature of the sports world, it is totally unique.
If the Falcons were a movie, they'd be "Major League 2." They'd do the exact same thing that worked last time, and fail horribly at it.
The dog-fightingest NFL quarterback Michael Vick won't be recognized by the Southern Christian Leadership Convention at their convention this week.
I'm a bit confused. Isn't Vick pretty much already a leader, just of dogfighters? If you were going to try and help out the youth of America, wouldn't it be better to bring in their diabolical leader and try and convince him to stop building dogfighting rings?
If you had the chance to save Lex Luthor, don't you think it might wind up helping the whole Legion of Doom?
Word has come down that a scheduled match at WWE's Summerslam Pay-Per-View featuring the guys from Jackass has been cancelled. That's certainly not a good sign for professional wrestling, is it? When grown men who make their livings stapling things to themselves and defecating in public don't want to sully their good name by associating with the industry of pro wrestling, the future ain't looking too bright. When porn stars won't take free tickets because they don't want to appear low-rent, you're in trouble.
Worse still, another professional wrestling organization has reportedly signed Titans ne'er-do-well Pac-Man Jones. I can't wait for his first "Strip-Club Shootout Match." Better yet, bring in Michael Vick for a dog-collar match. Or how about a battle royal between Pac-Man, Vick, and the entire Cincinatti Bengals team that only ends when Tank Johnson drunkenly drives his SUV through the ring, then gets out and opens fire on the survivors to make sure there were no witnesses? Then when he's done, out of nowhere Barry Bonds repels down into the ring and cleans house with a baseball bat, then his head explodes.
Daunte Culpepper has finally been granted his release after six weeks of open warfare with the Miami Dolphins. I like the way the article says Culpepper "became expendable once the Dolphins made a trade six weeks ago with Kansas City for Trent Green, who'll be Miami's starter entering this season."
Forgive my faulty memory, but it seems more like Culpepper became expendable shortly after arriving in Miami and embarking on that frantic "touchdown-every-other-week" pace. If not that, then right about the time Randy Moss left Minnesota.
Times are tough for everybody it seems. I saw today that Falcons quarterback Michael Vick's benefit event for Virginia Tech had to be postponed because of all the bad publicity he's been getting. No word on when "Dog-Fight-A-Palooza" will be rescheduled. Hopefully it's not on the same night as Pac-Man Jones' "Strip Club Shootout For Seniors" benefit or the "Cincinnati Bengals Drunk-Drivers For Christ Jamboree." I'd hate to have to choose between the events.
Now, after all the trouble that Michael Vick has gone to to thoroughly self-destruct his career (dog fighting, drugs, herpes), leave it to Clinton Portis to throw a monkey wrench in it.
"I don't know if he was fighting dogs or not, but it's his property, it's his dog," Redskins running back Portis said. "If that's what he wants to do, do it. I think people should mind their business."
Thanks for making a relevant point, CP. People should stick to their own houses, and leave felony criminals alone. Rapists, murders, arms dealers, all of whom should be left to their own devices in Clinton Portis's America.
Redskins offensive lineman Chris Samuels wisely said "You can't accuse this man of something and go ahead and throw the book at him right now. He's got to be convicted first, and I don't think that's fair."
That's completely true. Vick hasn't been proven guilty of anything yet. However, Portis has gone the extra mile to let us know he's proud of his roots as a animal cruelty-loving fucktard.
Alleged Miami quarterback Daunte Culpepper says in spite of the fact he missed the last dozen games of the year, and was so scared about losing his job to a trade or the draft that he released his own press statement saying he was fine, now has said that he'll be ready for training camp. Dolphin fans will be stunned by this, since last year Culpepper not only wasn't ready for training camp, he wasn't ready for the season, the playbook, the snap, the pass rush, or the coaching staff. In fact, at one point I think he lost the ability to lace his own pads up and had to have a trainer stitch him into his pants.
Dolphins fans have to be pretty pleased to be getting Culpepper back, and his frantic every-other-week touchdown pace. No need for Trent Green or some rookie to come in. Culpepper can take them back to the glory days of Jay Feidler.
7:00 a.m., Central Standard Time - Mel Kiper, Draft Expert, finishes his ranking of Tom Brady's unborn fetus as one of the "Top Draft Prospects of 2029," and leaves for work.
11:00 a.m. - ESPN's coverage begins. NFL Commissioner and disciplinarian Roger Goodell welcomes us all to the 2007 NFL Draft. Then he warns the Jets fans that if they get too rowdy, he'll "come down there and break some fingers."
11:08 a.m. - New Orleans Saint Reggie Bush appears in a commercial mocking the Houston Texans for not picking him first last year. You get the feeling this will be a theme until Bush reaches the Hall of fame or the Texans reach the playoffs, whichever comes first.
11:11 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders are on the clock. An on-screen graphic indicates they were 32nd in the league last season in offense, and their key offseason loss was quarterback Aaron Brooks. How is that a bad thing? Seems like a good thing to me. The Raiders could have dragged George Blanda out of retirement and stuck him under center, and not finished any worse in the league than 32nd.
11:12 a.m. - ESPN analyst Ed Werder points out the Raiders are the only NFL team over the last ten years to not use a first round pick on a quarterback, running back, receiver, or tight end. Strangely enough, they also have no offensive team meetings, have no audibles, and their offensive playbook is merely the instruction manual from the 1989 video game "Tecmo Bowl."
11:17 a.m. - ESPN shows footage of prospect JaMarcus Russell throwing a football 64 yards while on his knees, as if that's something football fans care about, and the NFL is some kind of Jackass-meets-Punt, Pass, and Kick league.
11:18 a.m. - We get our first camera shot of ESPN analyst Steve Young, who appears to either have had a face lift, or had some scientific experiment to take all the moisture out of his body.
11:20 a.m. - The Oakland Raiders select quarterback JaMarcus Russell. ESPN points out Raiders owner Al Davis admitted not taking quarterback Matt Leinart last year has set the Raiders back for years. And if anybody knows anything about setting the Raiders back for years, it's Al Davis.
11:31 a.m. - Detroit does what Detroit does, which is draft a wide receiver. The Lions have used their first pick on receivers three of the last four years, netting an entire 1401 yards out of those picks last season. General manager Matt Millen makes worse decisions than a drunken sorority girl.
11:41 a.m. - Steve Young describes the Browns upcoming pick of quarterback Brady Quinn as "making a huge statement."
11:42 a.m. - Cleveland selects offensive tackle Joe Thomas instead, leading Browns fans to make the huge statement of "@$%^@!".
11:47 a.m. - While talking about the quarterback's status, somehow the ESPN analysts find themselves in a discussion about what Brady Quinn looks like with his shirt off. Awkward silence ensues.
11:51 a.m. - Discussing Tampa Bay coach Jon Gruden's distrust of quarterbacks, the ESPN analysts refer to Rich Gannon as the only quarterback Gruden has ever "been in love with." Again, a moment of realization and awkward silence.
11:54 a.m. - Tampa Bay picks defensive end Gaines Adams, thus mercifully ending the Queer As Folk portion of the NFL Draft.
12:07 p.m. - In an obvious attempt to keep last year's top pick Matt Leinart conscious, the Arizona Cardinals pick lineman Levi Brown.
12:28 p.m. - Minnesota drafts Adrian Peterson to replace their stable of well known running backs they've used in the last few years, including that guy with the funny name, whatsisname that can't stay healthy, and that dude with the whizzinator.
12:29 p.m. - With Atlanta on the clock, ESPN treats it as a foregone conclusion that Brady Quinn will go with the following pick to Miami after the Dolphins two quarterbacks they picked up last year both failed horribly.
12:39 p.m. - The Falcons select Jamaal Anderson, which briefly reminds NFL fans that once upon a time, long long ago, Atlanta actually did play in a Super Bowl with a guy named Jamal Anderson running the ball for them. And...dancing, perhaps? No one seems sure.
12:40 p.m. - Michael Vick gets a text message about his team's draft pick while waiting in line to buy a giant bag of pet food, herpes medication, and a new water bottle.
12:46 p.m. - ESPN shows a graphic of the Dolphins starting quarterbacks since the retirement of Dan Marino, including several players so obscure, Chris Berman does not have a joke for them.
12:51 p.m. - Steve Young finishes a five-minute testimonial for quarterback Brady Quinn, including highlights of his best throws, graphics of his abilities, and a haiku about his calm demeanor.
12:52 p.m. - A rare moment of unity is observed, as the Dolphins select receiver Ted Ginn instead of Quinn, and every sports fan in America loses their mind.
1:05 p.m. - Houston drafts defensive tackle nineteen year-old Amobi Okoye, who entered college as a sixteen year-old. How smart is Okoye? Last year, he performed scientific experiments to statistically prove that if the Houston Texans did not draft Reggie Bush, they'd feel stupid about it for years.
1:07 p.m. - ESPN analysts discuss the admission of several highly ranked players in this draft have smoked marijuana in college. They also discuss the equally relevant possibilities that some of the players have tasted alcohol, skipped class, or seen R-rated movies.
1:14 p.m. - ESPN's Suzy Kolber reveals that Brady Quinn has been taken away by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell to a private suite, away from the television cameras broadcasting his disappointment.
1:15 p.m. - ESPN analysts Chris Berman and the frighteningly taut Steve Young both say that removing Quinn is "exactly the right thing to do," in spite of the fact that a) the only cameras broadcasting his sorrow belong to ESPN, and b) they just finished showing us a two-minute highlight reel of previously disappointed quarterbacks and their long, agonizing waits in front of a worldwide audience.
1:44 p.m. - New York trades up in the draft, and Jets fans let out a deafening cheer that forms a wind steeped in cheap beer and old cheese.
2:12 p.m. - ESPN spends two interview segments and ten minutes talking about how good Brady Quinn is, leading me to wonder why they don't just give him a job.
2:18 p.m. - A mere three hours and seventeen minutes into the draft, Chris Berman announces that we're halfway done with the first round.
2:48 p.m. - We get back-to-back selections from the Cincinnati Bengals and the Tennessee Titans, who have to hope that at no point next week their selections both get high and shoot each other in a nightclub.
3:17 p.m. - Dallas Cowboys owner and riverboat gambler Jerry T. Jones, millionaire, swaps up a deal with Cleveland. The Browns get the pick to finally select quarterback Brady Quinn. Jones gets next year's pick from Cleveland, a second-round pick, an assistant coach, a '99 Ford Explorer, and two passes to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
3:25 p.m. - ESPN analysts talk about what a great story the ongoing torment of Brady Quinn has been, and how happy everybody is to see him drafted and on his way to a successful career. Everyone except Miami Dolphins fans, of course.
4:01 p.m. - Dallas and Philadelphia trade picks, which is somewhat akin to the Sunnis and the Shiites sitting down and sharing a ham sandwich.
4:17 p.m. - The Saints choose 29th, after showing last year how a team could turn their season around by selecting the right quarterback in free agency and making the right first draft pick. Sadly, the Dolphins and Texans aren't paying attention, choosing instead to use this time to vote for their favorite "American Idol" contestants.
5:20 p.m. - The first round ends with a running time of six hours and twenty minutes, which causes it to run into the pregame coverage of Super Bowl XLII.
5:15 p.m. - ESPN announces former third pick, can't-miss-franchise-quarterback Akili Smith has just signed a contract to play in the CFL, thus reminding football fans everywhere that as much fun as today is, nothing is guaranteed.
A bit of embarassment for Atlanta quarterback Michael Vick. The Falcons signal-caller missed a flight to Washington DC to try and lobby Capitol Hill to persuade lawmakers to increase funding for after-school programs.
Rough morning for him, but you know the way the words "Michael Vick" and "airport" normally go together in a wire story, this isn't that bad of an outcome. There was no searching, or throwing away of contraband, or arrests or detentions. Nobody got in the papers for anything monumentally stupid, such as trying to take weed on an airplane in a bottle that you can't take on a plane in any circumstances anyway.
His mom made the appearance on his behalf, and Vick went home of his own free will. Everybody's a winner here, folks.
An Illinois judge has ruled that a Chicago Bears fan who lost a Super Bowl bet to change his name cannot legally become "Peyton Manning." Scott Weise lost the bet after signing a pledge in front of a bar full of people. However, Judge Katherine McCarthy says a name change to the same moniker as the Super Bowl MVP would be too confusing.
So for now, lucky Bears fan Scott Weise can go back to the name his friends know him by, "Joe Dumbass."
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is going to be a babydaddy. His former girlfriend, alleged actress Bridget Moynahan, is pregnant with his child. I read about it in Mel Kiper's analysis of the upcoming NFL 2028 Draft, and the top fetus prospects.
1:00pm - The pregame for Super Bowl XLI begins, brought to you by Chrysler, a CBS show that won't last long, and yet another Eddie Murphy movie where he plays all of the characters.
1:01pm - CBS analysts reveal the gametime forecast for Miami calls for "intermittent showers". "Intermittent" in this case meaning more like "begin assembling two of each animal."
2:31pm - A pregame feature on the quarterbacks of Super Bowl XLI shows that at his current pace, Colts QB Peyton Manning will reach the NFL Hall of Fame. Conversely, Bears QB Rex Grossman is currently on pace to have a lousy day, miss the playoffs next year, and be out of football and working at a Hardee's in Jackson, Tennessee by 2009.
2:48pm - Bears defensive lineman Tank Johnson, who was arrested during the season for having six unlicensed handguns and more than 500 rounds of ammunition, begins his two-hour trip through security.
3:15pm - Former Colts running back Edgerrin James does a pregame interview where he says he's happy for his former teammates, then weeps quietly into his perpetually 5-and-11 official Arizona Cardinals crying towel.
3:48pm - The festivities begin on the field, introduced by Gloria Estefan. As far as Miami cultural icons go, she's right up there with Dan Marino, Elian Gonzalez, and Al Pacino in "Scarface".
5:17pm - New York's piano man Billy Joel sings the national anthem, proving my earlier point about Miami not having any icons.
5:27pm - On the opening kickoff, Bears rookie Devin Hester returns the kick for a touchdown. Tony Dungy becomes the first black coach ever in the Super Bowl to bite through his own tongue.
5:31pm - Miami Police detain Tank Johnson during his player introduction.
5:34pm - CBS analyst Phil Simms gives his keys to the game. Surprisingly, one of them is "Don't kick the ball to Devin Hester, because he'll run it back for a touchdown."
5:39pm - Bears QB Rex Grossman throws a pass that's almost intercepted, leading analysts to point out that Manning is far more accurate with his throws.
5:43pm - Phil Simms uses the telestrator to show how Chicago is trying to deny Peyton Manning the long pass. The Bears are lining up their safeties deep, one in the end zone and the other lined up six rows deep in the stands shielded by a beer vendor.
5:47pm - Peyton Manning throws a 53 yard touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne.
5:49pm - In a marketing tie-in, the Colts elect to Fed Ex the ball to the Bears, rather than kick off.
5:52pm - Thomas Jones runs for 52 yards to set up a touchdown for Chicago.
5:56pm - A new ad campaign for Snickers tells you it's okay for a man to kiss another man for a Snickers bar. It sure seems to be an ad for homosexual prostitution, and not so much for the candy.
6:04pm - The Colts recover the fourth turnover of the quarter. It appears to be raining butter in Miami, from the way they're dropping the ball.
6:32pm - CBS's Jim Nantz mentions flunking out of meteorology school, to which Phil Simms replies, "You should have given the teacher an apple to get her to pass you." Millions of Americans start to wonder what the Hell decade Phil Simms grew up in, since nobody's brought their teacher an apple since "Leave It To Beaver" went off the air.
6:50pm - The Colts fumble again. Not to be outdone, the Bears regift the ball back on the next play.
6:56pm - Colts kicker Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal, sending us to halftime with Indianapolis up 16-14.
7:06pm - The Super Bowl XLI Halftime Show begins, brought to you by Pepsi, the NFL Network, and Prince's hair wrap.
7:07pm - Prince performs at halftime of the Super Bowl, marking him as a legitimate American music icon trusted to provide entertainment to millions of families. He celebrates by only playing songs from his "Purple Rain" soundtrack album, which was the album singled out in the mid-80s as profane and began music censorship as we know it. If there were a Super Bowl of Irony, Prince would be the MVP.
7:13pm - The halftime show features Prince playing songs by Prince, Tina Turner, Jimi Hendrix, and the Foo Fighters. Is this Prince, or Stars on 45?
7:21pm - Millions of sports fans wonder why if Prince and his dancers can perform on a wet stage in high heels without slipping, their team just can't hang on to the damn ball.
7:47pm - Rex Grossman falls down in the backfield for a sack, then fumbles the next snap. The Bears take second down and one, and turn it into fourth down and twelve, thus proving the old adage, "When life gives you crap, make crap-ade out of it."
7:59pm - Kevin Federline appears in the most memorable commercial of the night, for something or other.
8:21pm - Rex Grossman makes the worst pass in a Super Bowl since Steven Tyler tried to pick up Britney Spears at halftime of Super Bowl XXXV. The Colts score.
8:31pm - With the lead 29-17 for Indianapolis, Rex Grossman responds to the pressure by finding an open receiver deep, then throwing a pass so high it wounds a bird. The Colts can't help but make an interception.
8:46pm - The Bears fail to complete a fourth down situation, thus ending the competitive portion of our game.
8:58pm - Colts win, 29-17. Peyton Manning is MVP of the game, his team, and the Manning family.
USC assistant coach Steve Sarkasian withdrew from the coaching race to take over the Oakland Raiders over the weekend, even though he had not yet been offered the job. Good job! Sarkasian also turned down the chance to run Enron, watch a recent Robin Williams movie, and to have a midget punch him repeatedly in the crotch.
A sad day at the Fistful of Sports offices. Bill Cowher has stepped down from the Pittsburgh Steelers after 15 years on the job. On the brighter side of things, Nick Saban has now been coach of Alabama for a whole 48 hours without leaving, so I guess when God closes a door, he opens a window.
I also read that Detroit Lions general manager Matt Millen is interviewed in interviewing Bill Cowher's mustache for the Lions head coaching job.
Fans of the Detroit Lions have planned a protest against their horrible, horrible team. I can understand why they're upset, under general mismanager Matt Millen they've been unflinchingly awful since 2001. His firm committment to drafting a wide receiver in the first round every year just hasn't translated into wins.
Lions fans are going to walk out on the last game with 8:57 left in the second quarter. However, just like the Lions plans, this doesn't make any sense.
Let me make sure I've got this. If I'm going to protest the Lions, I have to spend a hundred bucks on a ticket, get up early, buy gas and drive downtown to Ford Field, pay to park, sit there for a few hours, buy a hot dog and soda while I'm waiting, and then wait for halfway through with the second quarter so I can get up, walk out, go home, and watch the game on television?
I've got a better idea, why don't you just mail the Lions a check for two hundred dollars and sleep late on Sunday? It'll serve the same purpose.
So now, a few weeks after his own dad calls QB Michael Vick a "coach-killer", Atlanta Falcons coach Jim Mora, JR. tells a radio show he'd love to go back to his alma mater, and if the job came open at the University of Washington, he'd leave the Falcons even if they were "in the middle of a playoff run." Not exactly the kind of commitment to long-term planning that you want from your executives, I guess, but at least Mora was honest. Until he started backtracking, I mean, and making it sound like he'd never leave the Falcons until they fire him soon.
And that's the enigma of Michael Vick. Any game plan that protects him, limits him. You have to have a system that takes advantage of his skills, but can be used by a regular human quarterback when Vick is out with his annual injuries. He's a supremely talented athlete, not a guy who fits into any system and may never live up to the flashes of potential you see from him. He's big hits and big misses, he's Kevin Costner with better wheels.
And finally, if you're going to call Vick a "coach-killer," shouldn't somebody ask Dan Reeves about that? That's like saying Kevin Federline is a lousy husband, and just restrictying yourself to only one of his baby-mommas.
Let's see, ESPN paid about a billion dollars to secure the rights to Monday Night Football. This year, they've had to carry two Oakland games where not only did the Raiders refuse to score, but the only thing offensive in the entire game was a knee to the groin.
And what kind of piece of crap is Jerramy Stevens that he can get Ro-Sham-Bo'ed on Monday Night Football, and the NFL figures he deserves it and it's not even worth a suspension?
Well, it seems the Dallas Cowboys have given up on Drew Bledsoe and responded to the crowd's cheers for Tony Romo. Cowboys fans will always be able to tell the legend of the quarterback who got his first NFL tackle before he got his first completion.
People are asking "Is Romo a worse option than Bledsoe?" which I don't think is fair. I think they should be asking, "What the Hell has happened to the state of quarterbacking in Dallas since the last time they carted Troy Aikman's concussed body off the field?" Romo, Bledsoe, Quincy Carter, Vinny Testaverde, Ryan Leaf, Randall Cunningham, Anthony Wright, Drew Henson, Chad Hutchinson, Clint Stoerner...these guys ain't exactly the QB Class of 1983.
The Feds have downplayed a reported threat against NFL Stadiums this week, when a website gave a report that dirty bombs would be used against seven stadiums on Sunday. Skeptics say this just gives the NFL an excuse in case home games don't sell out. Face it though, people aren't staying home because they're afraid of a terorist attack. They're staying home because they're afraid they'll have to watch a Raiders game.
Well, after watching the Monday Night Football game this week, I feel vindicated. I threw a party in honor of this being the fifth straight year everyone picked the Arizona Cardinals to not suck, and everyone coming up snake-eyes. S'mores are on me, everybody!
Okay, one day after the mess began with Terrell Owens, I think I've been able to piece together what happened.
Distraught over his non-inclusion in the second season of "Dancing With The Stars", Terrell Owens decided to rehab his broken finger by taking his pain medication, along with an entire bottle of "Miracle Gro" plant food. His agent saw him collapse under the strain of the medication, and the weight of his own ego, and immediately began to calculate the total worth of his contract and called 911. The Dallas media showed up, began to interview each other, and speculated that Owens must have been trying to kill himself, since TO must hate TO the same way the media hates TO. During this time, ESPN reported that Terrell Owens has committed suicide, and quoted him as "dying for our sins." TO went to the hospital, where he made a brief guest-appearance on "Grey's Anatomy" and checked himself out. The entire event was so jarring, Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentioned Owens by name for the first time, and TO actually showed up for practice.
TO's status for this week's game at Tennessee has been upgraded from "Suicidal" to "Probable".
Former NFL Linebacker Bill Romanowski has gotten in trouble for scolding a 12-year-old in a flag football league for dirty play. Romanowski had a well-founded reputation as a dirty player, doing everything from steroids and cheap shots, to spitting on players and sucker-punching one of his own teammates.
Romanowski chided the child, then told him to go back to the huddle and think about what he had done. Then as he turned around, Romo gave him a forearm shot to the kidneys.
In other news, Little League coach Daryl Strawberry has chastized one of his players for "not being able to handle his high".
Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens may or may not have tried to commit suicide. Not sure of what exactly happened, but I know it was serious because Bill Parcells actually referred to him by name.
The Tennessee Titans have announced they will be retiring Warren Moon's number on Sunday. No Titan will ever wear Moon's #1 again, which is kind of impressive since Moon never wore a jersey for the Titans. Moon played eighteen years, but never played a game on the home side in Tennessee, since Bud Adams took the worst hairpiece ever (and the Oilers) and skipped out of Houston long after he had already traded Moon away. That's like the Ravens retiring Johnny Unitas's number, or the Raiders feeling like they can honor any athlete who ever played in California.
Philadelphia Eagle defensive lineman Mike Patterson had the slowest 98 yard touchdown return for a touchdown in the history of mankind. The 292 pound behemoth scooped up a fumble at the two, beat 49ers quarterback Alex Smith, and ran the distance for the score. What's most telling to me is the way the tank-like Patterson had to beat Smith, and not a single other player from San Francisco. That's the kind of "always-say-die" attitude we've come to expect from the Niners. Come on, he's almost three bills. You could have given him a ten yard headstart and caught him with a Segway.
I'm watching the Seahawks pummel the New York Giants (42-3 after 3). They keep showing NY alleged wide receiver Plaxico Burress on the sidelines, and they keep quoting the team as saying "it's not a back issue" as the reason why he's out of the game. Apparently the Giants have placed Burress on the "Physically Unable To Catch A Damn Thing" list.
Congratulations to the Super Bowl Champion Pittsburgh Steelers on winning their week one game. Congratulations also to the NFL marketing department for surviving the horror that could have been "World Champion Opening Day Starter Charlie Batch."
The defending NFC Champion Seattle Seahawks beat Detroit in a game with five field goals, no touchdowns, and luckily no drunken nudity from a Lions coach.
Apparently, a couple of Archie Manning's kids played each other in a game this weekend. Not sure, nobody in the media seemed to mention it. With all due sarcasm, okay, the game's over. Let's please stop talking about the Manning brothers like putting them on the same field is splitting the atom.
The Bills lost to the Patriots on a safety. Say what you want about the Buffalo Bills, but at least they're committed to finding new ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.
One-time pain in the NFL's backside Maurice Clarett was arrested yesterday, after cops tasered and pepper sprayed him. Clarett is obviously not used to people wanting to talk to him anymore.
Officers had to Mace Clarett when they found out he was wearing a bulletproof vest, and he had four loaded guns in his vehicle. The most embarrasing thing for Clarett was the officers had no idea who he was. They thought they were arresting Bobby Brown.
New Orleans Saints rookie Reggie Bush is finally in training camp. he said it was great to finally get his "feet wet" at practice today.
Attaway to show 'em you're a sensitive guy, Reggie! Nobody in Louisiana could possibly disagree with you wanting to get your feet wet. Hell, if you'd been here a few months ago in the Superdome, you could have gotten your whole body wet.
Why not tell them you can't wait to storm the city, flood the stadium with points, and knock out the power to opposing defenses? Tell 'em you're hungry for wins, you're going to destroy the rest of the division, and you can't wait to tear the house down.
You're already New Orleans' favorite Bush. Don't screw it up.
Cincinnati Bengals defensive tackle Matthias Askew pled not guilty to charges of resisting arrest, obstructing official business and two parking violations after getting in trouble with cops after pulling his SUV onto a sidewalk to buy CDs from a street vendor, and then refusing to move.
My question here is not related to his parking abilities, or belligerence. What's an NFL player doing buying bootleg CDs from a street vendor? Come on, you've got a six-figure income, Matthias. It won't kill you to pay full price once in a while, will it? Unlike most of us, you can actually afford to join the Columbia CD Club, and not default on your obligations. Don't buy it used, don't steal it off the internet, walk right into a store and pay full retail price for it, Mr. Bengal. Do your part to stimulate the economy, and the cops won't have to taser you, you selfish bastard.
The article says the "Bengals generally do not comment on players' pending legal matters," which means the Bengals don't say much these days.
It just came to my attention that parts of one of my columns ran in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette after Super Bowl XL, without my knowledge. Check it out here.
They did link to one of my mirror sites, so I'm okay with it, but in the future if you use some of my columns (past or current), please link to the main Fistful Of Sports site. Thanks!
More information comes out about the injuries to Steelers quarterback and uneasy rider Ben Roethlisberger. An ESPN article says "According to Roethlisberger's agent, Leigh Steinberg, the Steelers' quarterback was scheduled to shoot a soup commercial with his stepmother, Brenda, and several Pittsburgh teammates."
So now we now what happened. It's the first ever preemptive strike of the Curse Of Chunky Soup.
That soup is some mean stuff, man. I've been saying it since 2000. Don't jack with the Chunky. It's the soup that eats like a meal, and hungers for revenge.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger crashed his motorcycle Monday, injuring himself. Doctor's say they became concerned he was injured badly when he had trouble spelling his own name.
According to the article, "the accident happened at about 11:30 a.m. and a pool of blood was still visible there by early afternoon." Expect vials of his blood to show up on EBay by this evening. And you might want to use the "Buy It Now" option, if he dies on the table, they'll go through the roof.
He seems to be okay, his doctor said "He was talking to me before he left for the operating room...He's coherent. He's making sense. He knows what happened. He knows where he is. From that standpoint, he's very stable."
I'm not sure if "stable" is the right word to use for an NFL quarterback who likes to ride his motorcycle without a helmet. Perhaps "awake and stupid" would be a better term.
We should have expected this. The man plays in a division with Kellen Winslow Jr., the patron saint of idiot alpha male motorcycle riders who rode around without helmets and cost their teams and themselves millions of dollars. And yet, he found the courage and fortitude to continue his hobby. Isn't one peer crippling a career and his cashflow enough to teach you a lesson? That's like being in the same cell block with Daryl Strawberry, and still getting high. Sell Straw your smokes, and get out of there and learn from his example.
In their defense, I guess it can be hard to wear a motorcycle helmet with your head firmly wedged in your ass.
Dallas Cowboys coach Bill Parcells says now that he's glad the team signed Terrell Owens, way way back a few months ago. And you know he's sincere, since it only took him 48 days to come to a decision.
Try that sometime, guys. When your woman asks you if you love her, just refuse to answer for a few weeks. Don't give an answer, maybe have one of your friends/representatives explain that you'll talk eventually, but you don't want to overshadow the other events going on. Then, after a month and a half, tell her that you'll gove her an answer this weekend, and finally spill the details on it.
Yeah. That'll make her think you really mean what you're saying.
January, 2006: The Houston Texans go on the clock, with the first pick in the NFL Draft. They publicly resist pressure to draft hometown hero quarterback Vince Young, and say they're determined to sign running back Reggie Bush. Everyone who covers the draft writes Bush's name in ink at the top of their draft boards, ignoring the fact that the Texans have also been "determined" to protect the quarterback, have a winning record, and make the playoffs, and none of these things have successfully happened either.
Sunday: The story breaks that Reggie Bush's family allegedly lived rent-free in an expensive house while he was a student-athlete for USC.
Late Friday night: The Houston Texans announce they have reached a contract agreement, not with Bush, but instead with defensive end Mario Williams. ESPN springs into action, summoning Mel Kiper, Draft Expert by spotlighting a silhouette of his rigid hairline into the skies over Gotham city.
11:00am: The 2006 NFL Draft begins, brought to you by beer, snacks, and other things that are currently keeping sports fans alive all over the country.
11:03am: Chris Mortensen runs down the events of the past week in the life of Reggie Bush. In a two-minute explanation, he uses the word "allegedly" two dozen times.
11:05am: Watching from their rent-free luxury mansion, Bush's father is so distraught, he chooses to relax by taking a dip in their champagne-filled swimming pool.
11:14am: NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue announces the first pick, with Williams going to the Texans. Jets fans boo the pick, setting the precedent for the draft, the day, and their attitudes for the rest of their lives.
11:18am: FEMA announces they will be making the draft pick for New Orleans. However, they will not be ready to make the decision until October.
11:21am: Reggie Bush's father tries to calm his nerves by taking his solid gold dog for a walk.
11:27am: The Saints take Bush. His family celebrates, figuring with his first contract, they can continue to live rent-free for the rest of their lives.
11:29am: Bush is referred to as a player who can help rebuild the franchise. If he can also help rebuild bridges, homes, and schools, the city has their man.
11:33am: A commercial airs from the state of Louisiana, thanking America for coming back, and the Houston Texans for passing on Reggie Bush.
11:36am: The Titans are up, and draft Vince Young, in spite of the fact that USC quarterback and Heisman Trophy winner Matt Leinart is still on the board. And Titans coach Jeff Fisher in a USC graduate. And Titans offensive coordinator Norm Chow coached Leinart in college. Leinart checks his horoscope for the day, which reads "Taurus: The stars are aligning against you. Keep your wits about you, and don't worry, it's a dry heat."
11:38am: A graphic indicates that Young is the third quarterback taken third overall since 1996, putting Young in a group with Akili Smith and Joey Harrington. Young's agent promptly sues ESPN for defamation of character.
11:46am: The New York Jets pass on Leinart, and take tackle D'Brickashaw Ferguson. In another bad omen for Leinart, for the first time ever, Jets fans don't boo their team's first draft choice.
12:01pm: Already having a quarterback on the roster who's not ready to play in the NFL, Green Bay drafts linebacker A.J. Hawk. Nick Lachey stops returning Leinart's phone calls.
12:06pm: Tight end Vernon Davis is shown crying as San Francisco drafts him. ESPN analysts quickly point out that lots of people cry when they join the 49ers.
12:15pm: Analyst Ron Jaworski devotes five full minutes to raving about Leinart's qualifications, giving the impression that ESPN is about to draft him.
12:25pm: Relying on the combined 342 years of football experience of owner Ralph Wilson and general manager Marv Levy, Buffalo drafts a guy nobody has ever heard of.
12:31pm: Detroit selects linebacker Ernie Sims, ending a six-year run of first-round offensive selections that got them all the way to the 27th best offense in the league.
12:34pm: The Arizona Cardinals respond to their pressing need of having the worst pass defense in the league by finally drafting quarterback Matt Leinart.
12:35pm: Leinart realizes Arizona hasn't had a winning record in seven years, and Howie Mandel comes out to thank him for playing "Deal, No Deal, or the Cardinals".
1:04pm: Cleveland and Baltimore work a trade, which is the equivalent of Jennifer Anniston holding a parking space open for Angelina Jolie.
2:44pm: The Miami Dolphins draft defensive back Jason Allen. Meanwhile, former Miami running back Ricky Williams is courted by a Canadian Football League team, finally giving him an option to play in a country where marijuana is legal.
3:31pm: Chicago goes on the clock. Seizing the opportunity, Buffalo trades up in the draft to grab another player no one has ever heard of. The Bills then shut down the war room to hit the early bird special at Luby's Cafeteria.
4:01pm: The first round ends with New Orleans thrilled, USC disappointed, and Buffalo stunned into a suicide watch.
The Detroit Lions say if their season were to start today, Jon Kitna would be their starter at quarterback. I think I see some of the problems they've been having for the last decade. The Lions seem way too interested in getting ready to win those all-important March NFL games. You guys go ahead and relax for a while, and don't even worry about washing the jerseys and shining the helmets for another couple of months. Don't stress announcing a starting lineup for the April opener.
Lions coach Rod Marinelli also says with five QBs current on the roster, he doesn't see Detroit taking another quarterback in the upcoming NFL Draft. Whew, that's a stunner. Thank goodness the Lions aren't going to panic, and will stick to their plan of drafting wide receivers every first round until they make the playoffs again.
Wide receiver Terrell Owens has reportedly signed a three-year deal to come to Dallas, thus setting off angry Cowboys fans everywhere swearing that Jerry Jones has again ruined their team and they'll never watch a game.
Please. Since the Dallas Cowboys drafted Michael Irvin in 1988, they've drafted a steady string of gazelle-like wideouts. That means guys who run really well, and have hooves for hands.
Do Alexander Wright, Alvin Harper, or Kevin Williams show up very often on NFL Films? Ed Hervey, Stepfret Williams, and Macey Brooks were more likely to wind up in the XFL than a three-receiver set in Dallas. Wane McGarrity and MarTay Jenkins didn't make anybody forget Dupree or Pearson, and Antonio Bryant was only noteworthy when he was crazy.
Like, antisocial crazy. Like, bad enough for Cleveland to give up on him crazy, which indicates you ain't long for the league. When you look at your roster and say, "We don't need Bryant, we've got...uh...Joe Jurevicius and Dennis Northcutt. Together, they caught as many as he did last year. We'll be fine, Antonio. You just go ahead and keep throwing towels at coaches and talking to squirrels, we got this over here."
Anyway, Cowboys fans will boo Owens all they like, until the first time he makes a touchdown against Philadelphia, or even better yet, the Redskins. Then, all will be forgotten. He could score the TD that makes Dallas a playoff team, run into the endzone, pull out Tom Landry's hat and take a crap in it, and he'd still get cheered.
Just like they did against the hated spawn of Satan and MTV, Deion Sanders. Everybody hated him for pushing the 49ers over the Cowboys in 1995, but when he came to town and clog-danced in the silver star, he was a folk hero. Nobody wants to give back Super Bowl XXX because Prime Time was a part of that team, do they?
And Owens will be fine in Dallas. For exactly fourteen months. My over/under is May 26, 2007 for the moment when the TO/Cowboys relationship cracks open under the pressure like an Arizona sidewalk. Any takers?
The new York jets, who have the fourth pick in the draft, have dealt a draft pick for Redskins quarterback Patrick Ramsey. Prior to that, they were also in contention to pick up Falcons quarterback Matt Schaub.
Let's see, New Orleans signed Drew Brees, Detroit went out and got Jon Kitna and Josh McCown, Miami traded for Daunte Cuklpepper, and the Rams signed Gus Frerotte.
Good Lord, doesn't anybody want one of the three quarterbacks coming out in this year's draft? You've got people lining up and signing Jon Kitna just so they don't have to go out and risk their careers on Leinart, Cutler, and Young like they were Leaf, Mirer, and...I'm going to have to say Leaf again. I can't think of anybody else that scary to NFL GMs.
Washington has really helped themselves offensively in free agency, getting wide receivers David Patten, Brandon Lloyd, and Antwan Randle El to go along with Santana Moss. This will give them the power to flood the field at any time with multiple receiver sets where no one is any taller than 6'0".
Seriously, why stock up on exactly the same guy over and over again? You've got four guys within two inches and eight pounds of each other. I can only guess they're going to line them all up in a stack, make them wear the same number, and hope defenses get confused as to which midget they're supposed to be covering.
Daunte Culpepper has won the "Damaged Goods Quarterback Sweepstakes," taking his severely damaged knee and going to the Miami Dolphins. This leaves Drew Brees and his barely-functional shoulder to go to the similarly barely-functional Saints. The Lions responded by signing Jon Kitna, who is handicapped by being Jon Kitna.
Bills wide receiver Eric Moulds has asked Buffalo to trade him or release him. He had a rough year last year, getting suspended from the team at one point for a sideline argument with an assistant coach. While it would seem to be an easy choice for Buffalo, they still need Moulds. To put things in perspective, the week he was suspended he was still only nine yards away from being the Bills' third-leading receiver on the game.
Running back Edgerrin James has left the Indianapolis Colts to sign a four-year, 30 million dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals. Edge sounded happy about the change, saying he'd be playing with an MVP quarterback, two-timer Kurt Warner. Not sure if Edge noticed he was also leaving a two-time MVP quarterback to toil in the valley of the sun, where running backs go to rush for 800 yards a year.
James has carried 2,188 times for 9,226 yards and 64 touchdowns and is the leading rusher in Colts history. Expect him to become the leading rusher in Cardinals history in week eight of next season.
In Arizona's defense, Warner is a two-time MVP. Of course, since his last MVP season, Warner has thrown for 25 interceptions, and just 21 touchdowns. Warner is an MVP in the same sense that Cuba Gooding Jr. and Marisa Tomei are Oscar winners. Yes, but not so you could tell it lately.
Minnesota quarterback Daunte Culpepper is demanding a trade from the perpetual burning ship that is the Vikings. Apparently the team sent him an email that upset him, and now he wants out.
Well, DC isn't exactly riding out of town on the shoulders of the masses, is he? Of course, there is one good thing about coming off of a season that saw you post career-worst numbers, tear three knee ligaments, and get charged in connection with the legendary Minnesota Vikings Sex Boat Scandal of '05. Now, Culpepper has some leverage with the team.
I know some people will think it goes the other way, but look at it like this, now Culpepper has nothing to lose. He's gone from a quality NFL quarterback to a legitimate menace to society. If you don't trade him, Lord knows what he'll do. If you want to keep him in Vikings purple next year, you run the risk of him sticking up liquor stores all over the Twin Cities.
And how bad was that email? I get a thousand forwarded messages a day about Amber alerts and cookie recipes, and it never drives me over the edge.
March 23, 1867 - Super Bowl XL halftime performer Keith Richards is born.
January 22, 2006 - Pittsburgh and Seattle win their Championship Games, earning a trip to Super Bowl XL at Detroit's Ford Field.
January 23 - Ford Motor Co. announces the layoff of 25,000 employees in honor of the big event.
January 30 - Detroit is named America's "Poorest Big City." The Detroit Chamber of Commerce commits hari kari.
1:30pm, February 5 - The pregame begins for Super Bowl XL, brought to you by Blockbuster, Tostitos, and Stevie Wonder's dreams of universal peace.
2:45pm - ESPN reports Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb's comments from eariler this week about Terrell Owens, likening TO's actions to "black-on-black crime." ESPN then goes to their expert on black-on-black crime, Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.
3:52pm - Tom Jackson does a pregame story on Jerome Bettis' rough childhood in Detroit. The background footage used in the story makes it look like they're holding the Super Bowl in 8 Mile.
4:34pm - While talking about the rise of the Seahawks, Steve Young points out that five years ago, you never would have expected Seattle and Pittsburgh to be playing in the Super Bowl. He is correct, since five years ago Seattle and Pittsburgh were both in the AFC.
5:05pm - We are welcomed to Super Bowl XL by all of the previous Super Bowl MVPs, Harrison Ford, and Dr. Seuss.
5:06pm - All over America, dumb guys at parties start talking about how cool next year's "Super Bowl XXL" will be.
5:08pm - McDonald's has a commercial where a giant hamster is talking to Ronald McDonald. I didn't get the exact point of the ad, but I feel a strange craving for a McRib.
5:10pm - Energy drink "Full Throttle" unveils their new marketing campaign, including the slogan "Let Your Man Out." The fine print on the ad cautions that doing so may result in a jail stay, and registration as a sex offender.
5:18pm - The National Anthem is played, featuring Aretha Franklin singing while wearing a coat that looks like she's had a sled dog team put to death.
5:27pm - The kickoff begins Super Bowl XL.
5:36pm - In a marketing tie-in, Matt Hasselbeck completes a fifteen yard pass to the Burger King.
5:55pm - Seahawks receiver Darrell Jackson catches his fifth pass of the first quarter, tying with Buffalo's Andre Reed. No one points out that matching the Super Bowl accomplishments of the Buffalo Bills is not historically a good thing.
5:56pm - As if to prove my point, Jackson catches a touchdown pass in the end zone, which is called back because of an interference penalty against him.
6:07pm - Trailing 3-0, Pittsburgh punts again, ending their third straight possession going three-and-out. Trash-talking Seattle tight end Jerramy Stevens takes advantage of the opportunity by dropping a wide open deep pass.
6:34pm - Pittsburgh completes a pass for a first down on 3rd and 28, which is quite surprising because usually that only happens against Green Bay.
6:40pm - Roethlisberger's dive to the goal line appears to score a touchdown for Pittsburgh. Al Michaels is so excited to finally see some points, he completely forgets the rules of instant replay.
6:43pm - The play stands, Pittsburgh takes the lead, and Seahawks fans begin to get really sick of those gold towels.
6:53pm - Matt Hasselbeck completes his second straight pass out of bounds, including one in the end zone.
6:54pm - Seattle misses a field goal. In anger, Hasselbeck throws his helmet at the ground, missing by four yards.
6:55pm - Halftime at the Super Bowl, Pittsburgh leads Seattle 7-3. Analyst Tom Jackson says the Seahawks have to feel good, since they took some of the swagger away from the Steelers. Strangely enough, his assurance, coupled with the fact that they've had two touchdown passes called back and a missed field goal does not make Seahawks fans very jovial.
7:06pm - The Rolling Stones perform. At the sight of Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, Stones fans in the audience start throwing their support hose and Depends undergarments on stage.
7:17pm - The Minnesota Vikings party barge arrives to the game an hour late, and completely lacking any pants.
7:19pm - The Rolling Stones finish their set, brought to you by Viagra, Geritol, and every Stones album in the last twenty years that no one remembers.
7:32pm - "Fast Willie" Parker goes for 75 yards and a touchdown. Guys everywhere giggle at the fact that "Fast Willie Parker" would make an excellent name for an adult film star.
7:36pm - Seattle running back Max Strong carries the ball. Guys everywhere keep giggling.
7:41pm - Just to stay in practice, Seattle misses another field goal.
7:54pm - In a stunner, Jerramy Stevens breaks his string of three consecutive pass drops and catches a touchdown.
8:22pm - Matt Hasselbeck is picked off by Ike Taylor inside the Pittsburgh ten, and then is called for a fifteen yard penalty on the return. To make matters worse, when he reaches the sideline he realizes Taylor also swiped his wallet, and hacked into his MySpace account to make "Brokeback Mountain" his favorite movie.
8:40pm - The Steelers throw a reverse pass from Roethlisberger to Antwan Randle El to Hines Ward for a touchdown. Cleveland Browns fans complain that the Steelers have two wide receivers who can throw touchdown passes, and yet they haven't had a quarterback since Bernie Kosar left.
8:45pm - Matt Hasselbeck nearly turns the game around by making a hard tackle and causing a fumble on himself.
9:02pm - Super Bowl XL ends with the only constant in the game, a dropped pass from Jerramy Stevens. Pittsburgh wins their fifth Super Bowl. Hometown hero Jerome Bettis announces his retirement on the podium after the game, and thousands of Detroit fans make plans to drive to Pittsburgh for the victory parade, since they no longer have jobs to worry about missing.
============================ Headlines At The Fistful Of Sports: - Al Michaels, John Madden To Divorce - Survey: Mick Jagger Singing Satisfaction "Creepy" - Stevie Wonder Under Impression He Was Playing At Grammys - Ceremonial SBXL Coin Used To Buy Ceremonial Dr. Pepper - Mike Holmgren: "I Am The Eggman"
Seattle Seahawks starting offensive lineman Sean Locklear was jailed Monday for investigation of domestic violence assault. He remained in jail awaiting an appearance before a judge, which wouldn't happen until after the Martin Luther King Jr. Holiday. Officers say Locklear was upset with his girlfriend for dancing with another man, and grabbed her around the neck.
Well, the oddsmakers took a beating again. The Indianapolis Colts fell in the playoffs to the superb tackling skills of Ben Roethlisberger.
A couple of NFL coaching vacancies really intrigue me. To begin with, Jim Haslett was fired as head coach of the Saints, which has to be like getting fired and thrown out of Devil's Island.
The other one is Bills coach Mike Mularkey resigning. It certainly says a lot about your franchise when someone is willing to give up and walk away from a job where only 32 of them exist on the planet.
Tony Romo, broken pinkie finger and all, has been upgraded from "No Freakin' Way" to "Questionable" for Sunday's game against St. Louis. Apparently playing against the Rams is so much fun, he doesn't want to let anything come between him and a big day.
