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1999:
The Saints give it all for Ricky. Even funnier in retrospect,
eh?
The Heat And The Moment
This weekend was a historic moment for me. For the first time in my lifetime, a professional athlete has stepped up and delivered a promise based not on performance, but rather on his league's desire to have officials lengthen the series. Rasheed Wallace stepped into history when, after his Pistons lost game five to Miami, he said the NBA's referees would make sure Detroit won game six, so there would be a game seven.
I'll always remember where I was when I heard Rasheed say that. It's a special moment for me, just like when Willis Reed limped out onto the court because he was sure the refs wouldn't call him for a charge. It's like Mark Messier guaranteeing the Rangers would win game six against the Devils, because he knew the ref would give them the power play. Rasheed is Babe Ruth, but instead of pointing to the outfield, he's drawing his own postcard-sized strike zone for the umps.
You know, if Rasheed was so certain the NBA was going to ensure a seven game series, why didn't he just stay in Miami and wait for game seven to come back to him? You know why I don't listen to Rasheed Wallce's thoughts on game six? Because Rasheed scored just two more points than I did in game five.
Speaking of idiots, how about Browns tight end Kellen Winslow Junior The Second? Winslow tore his ACL on his motorcycle, riding around a parking lot in circles in the dark. In spite of what happened, you have to appreciate Winslow acting out the perfect metaphor for the Cleveland Browns.
Winslow was also wearing a helmet, but he didn't have it buckled. If he ever plays again, expect the NFL to fine him for a uniform violation.
The big story of this past weekend revolved around the Indy 500, and female driver Danica Patrick. She performed better than any female driver had ever done, and for the moment, silenced a throng of morning DJ's "woman driver" jokes.
Several other Indy drivers were complaining about Patrick after the race, saying she has an unfair advantage because of her lower weight. That's all we need, for a wave of bulimia to sweep through IRL. Can't you see racing teams signing up diuretic sponsorships? Pit crews handing over barf buckets? Midgets brought in to pinch-drive the cars in the final laps?
I'll say this, I'm not a big NASCAR race fan, I don't usually watch IRL, or F1, or Cart or any of the other racing. But when I heard Danica Patrick was going to be racing in the Indy 500...I didn't watch that either. A lot has been made about Patrick, and the ratings her appearance delivered. C'mon, she's not the next Jordan. She's the next Lance Armstrong. She's a standout athlete in a sport that no one pays attention to unless she's in it. Seven out of ten people don't remember who won the Indy 500 last year, and the other three think David Letterman was the winning driver.
Due to some kind of conversational power outage a few weeks ago, every sports talk radio show host in the country was talking about a new study that indicates sports teams who wear red have a better chance of winning. That's nothing new to me, I read it last year in "The Dumbest Things You've Ever Heard Magazine." Come on, did somebody actually get a government grant for this? I'm sure Example A was the Boston Red Sox. Unfortunately, they didn't get to Examples W-Z, which were the Arizona Cardinals, Cincinnati Reds, Atlanta Hawks, and Chicago Blackhawks.
The hits keep coming for the oversized men of baseball. Former Yankees monolith Jason Giambi has lost most of his endorsements, including his deals for soft drinks, deodorant, and shoes. Luckily for him, he still has his deals with "Dead Weight" brand barbells.
Giant Giants slugger Barry Bonds decided not to speak to the media anymore, and began to only issue statements through his website. Within a few weeks of that announcement, his website had become bloated and oversized, stuffed with information, and very confrontational.
Remember all of that hype and excitement about the Phoenix Suns? Never mind. In spite of having the MVP, Executive of the Year, and Coach Of The Year, the Suns still turned into the Mountain Time version of the Mavericks. Steve Nash is determined to prove that it takes more than just boundless energy and flyaway hair to win a championship.
ESPN has decided to decline their option on the National Hockey League's imaginary games next season. This not only ends the network's long-term relationship with the league, but also ends the league's long-term refusal to accept reality. When the network of poker, Playmakers, and the National Spelling Bee turns down your option, it may be time to rethink your battle plan. When you can't bump the thousandth rerun of that Dale Earnhardt movie, and you're less valuable than a television show featuring newspaper writers yelling at each other, you've got some self-evaluation to do.
And speaking of movies, for the first time ever, an NFL Franchise has made a film more exciting than their franchise. Trust me, by week six, Niners fans will be begging them to turn off the game and put the training video on the Jumbotron.
I'd like to start this column with apologies to all my readers. Last week, I tried to make my jokes a bit longer than usual, but apparently my attempts to "Tiger-proof" the Fistful of Sports were unsuccessful. With his third Masters victory, Tiger Woods now has more green jackets than a color-blind used car salesman.
The Masters started badly, as Sam Snead teed off the ceremonial first shot into the gallery. A spectator was hit squarely in the face by the teeshot. The man then placed his face up for auction at www.SamSneadHitMeInTheFace.com, and made enough money to pay off his student loan.
Speaking of the merchandising outbreak, a piece of gum chewed by Arizona outfielder Luis Gonzalez has become a national obsession, with bidding reaching $4,000. At one point the Topps company was among the bidders, but they backed out when a question arose as to the authenticity of the gum. Yeah, four grand for Gonzo's chewed gum is completely understandable, but they got squeamish when they felt like they were getting ripped off.
I would actually think for their own good, a company like Topps would want to step in and establish firmly that used gum is not a collectible item. If you're in doubt, just apply this simple rule: Anything that has been inside someone else's mouth is not collectible. No wait, let's expand that, I'd hate to see somebody selling a "World Series Tumor" or "All-Star Appendix" on eBay. Let's just make the simple rule that anything that's been inside the skin is out of the question as merchandising.
New York Yankees fans have filed a lawsuit to try and resolve a dispute between the team's network and a cable company so they can watch the Yankees games. In a related story, thousands of Florida baseball fans are suing a Miami cable company, seeking to get the Marlins games off their televisions.
In the National Basketball Association, the Hornets have reportedly violated league policy by using falsified attendance numbers to try and influence the league to let them move from Charlotte. Come to find out, the Hornets have also been underestimating the size of their locker rooms, jumbo dogs, and Robert "Tractor" Traylor.
The regular season is over for the National Hockey League, and the Detroit Red Wings won the President's Cup for the most regular season points. Actually, the Red Wings clinched home ice advantage sometime while "Rollerball" was still showing in theatres, so it wasn't that big of a deal. Vancouver is a dangerous first-round opponent though, especially for a team as old as the Red Wings. Games in the Pacific time zone begin right about the time that people the age of the Red Wings are wrapping up dinner, turning off "Matlock" and going to bed.
And finally, a New Orleans newspaper is reporting LSU illegally tutored a player last semester. The NCAA rules state prospective student-athletes are prohibited from receiving tutoring from the athletic department. Why is this even a rule? Apparently the NCAA wants to make sure the dumb guys you recruited are the same dumb guys who show up for school.
In baseball news this week, the Seattle Mariners, who are more than fifty games over .500, received official permission from Major League Baseball to start selling postseason tickets. In other news, the New York Yankees have received permission from Major League Baseball to start planning their victory parade.
Former L.A. Xtreme and current Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Damon Gibson was quoted this week as saying XFL officials have told their players they'll have to buy their own championship rings. I guess that makes it official, everyone wants to forget the XFL. League management had the same long-term commitment to quality that you normally see from sweatshop owners.
Cleveland Browns defensive back Corey Fuller allegedly tried to bribe a police officer this past week after Fuller pulled into a Cleveland intersection and refused to move until the officers let him turn the way he wanted. Reports claim Fuller blocked traffic for about eight minutes, and refused several requests to move. Because of the bribery charge, this case has been turned over to the police department's intelligence unit, where they will certainly return a finding of "none here whatsoever."
The Tony Banks era in Dallas lasted exactly two preseason games, as the Cowboys cut him last week. Cowboys fans may astutely point out it only took the Cowboys a few weeks to determine what it took Baltimore half a season to learn. Of course, the Redskins haven't learned the lesson yet. How does the old parable go? "I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who signed Tony Banks."
True story from this week. Vanity Fair magazine has a scathing tell-all story on baseball's hit king Pete Rose, while ESPN Sports Center interviewed "Hollywood heart throb" Freddie Prinze Jr. The lines of power have shifted, folks. Next week, expect to see Julia Roberts profiled in Sports Illustrated and Don Zimmer on the cover of Cosmo.
And finally, a sad note from the Fistful this week. It seems as if Philadelphia Flyers General Manager Bobby Clarke and Eric Lindros will finally part ways, thus returning Lindros to the NHL and robbing the Fistful of a reliable punch-line. You know, if Darryl Strawberry ever cleans up and Scott Mitchell loses weight, I'll have nothing left for the column.
Congratulations to David Duval for winning his first Major at this year's British Open. And condolences go out to Ian Woosnam, whose great round as well as his confidence were undone by a two-stroke penalty for having an extra driver in his bag. Apparently, his caddie keeps track of clubs like a drunken Charlie Sheen.
The PGA Tour also negotiated a great deal this week, selling their broadcast rights for 850 million dollars. That's an increase of almost 45% over their current deal. And not only is the money better, under the new deal Tiger Woods only has to work on Sundays.
Even as NFL training camps begin to open, the saga of Ray Lewis continues. Lewis appealed his $250,000 fine from the Commissioner's Office for his involvement in a double-murder two Super Bowls ago. The Commissioner's Office refused to lower the fine, correctly pointing out that only comes to 125K for each dead body.
Fred McGriff turned down a trade this week that would have sent him from league-worst Tampa Bay to the NL Central-leading Chicago Cubs. In fact, on the Devil Rays last road trip, McGriff also elected not to receive a complimentary cup of coffee, spurned an offer for a flight upgrade, and became abusive when asked if he would like to "Supersize" his Big Mac combo. The guy just doesn't like change, I guess.
It was announced this week that the RJR Tobacco Company would drop its sponsorship of the National Hot Rod Association. Under the terms of the Master Settlement Agreement, RJR had to choose only one venue of advertising, and chose to go with NASCAR over the NHRA. This is something for NASCAR to be proud of, I suppose, although it seems a bit like being thankful for all the jobs provided by that nuclear reactor next door. Meanwhile, in a bid to replace tobacco as a sponsor, NHRA is looking at the manufacturers of alcohol, raw bacon, and radiation.
In hockey news, Eric Lindros said Monday he was invited to Canada's pre-Olympic camp. Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke immediately demanded compensation from the Canadian Olympic team, seeking the rights to two downhill skiers, Celine Dion, and Michael J. Fox. Team Canada executive director Wayne Gretzky then made a counter offer for a curler to be named later, Chilliwack, and Tom Green. Don't keep your hopes up, hockey fans.
The NBA pre-free agent market continues to move right along, as Patrick Ewing has made his decision about where to play next season. His final two choices were Orlando and Miami. I'm just assuming here, but I think that officially makes Florida the "Strip Club Capitol of the World." Ewing eventually chose Orlando. He'll offer Alonzo Mourning his kidney, but he won't play ball with him? Must be some kind of Georgetown thing.
In Toronto, the Raptors have agreed to terms with Jerome Williams and Antonio Davis. The Raptors signings were the second-best received sports news in Toronto this week, right behind David Wells having year-ending surgery.
In other NBA news, David Robinson will stay with San Antonio, Eddie Robinson will go to the Bulls, and Clarence Weatherspoon will become a Knick. Of course, even though these deals are announced, none of them will become official until Wednesday. Which is more ridiculous, that the NBA won't admit until Wednesday any of the dozen deals that have already gone down, or that the daily top story from the NBA still involves Wizards practice sessions?
New Detroit Red Wing Dominik Hasek has been hospitalized in the Czech Republic with a mysterious illness. Red Wings owner Mike Ilitch has sent his own personal physician overseas to help with the diagnosis. Boy, nothing says "I certainly do respect your culture, Dom, but I think your physicians are still using leeches" like sending your own family's Trapper John M.D. on a jet plane, does it?
According to her father, two-time Wimbledon champion Venus Williams may quit tennis soon to concentrate on her many endorsement deals. Historically speaking, that's like David Caruso quitting "NYPD Blue" to concentrate on all the movie offers he was getting at the time. Sometimes, it's better to stay busy, kids.
Although NFL training camps won't open for a few weeks, it seems as if the rookies are already starting to learn their lessons. Giants rookie Will Allen was sprayed with gasoline and robbed this past week. Allen was coming home from partying at 4:40 a.m. Sunday when three armed robbers made off with $150,000 of his jewelry. I don't want to shift blame here, but isn't walking around drunk in the middle of the morning with 150 grand of easily pocketed items on your person something the players union should be teaching them not to do? Shouldn't they have a speaker on "Security and Your Bling-Bling: How Not To Get Set On Fire"?
And finally, ignoring China's appalling human rights record, the IOC awarded the 2008 Summer Olympics to Beijing. The announcement was greeted with fireworks, songs, and a celebration capped off by a rousing 21-gun salute into the crowd. No word on whether or not the Summer Games will coincide with the annual "Running of the Tanks." That's covered by ESPN2, I believe.
It's the best time of the year for hockey fans, as the NHL Playoffs have begun. I don't get excited about the NHL Playoffs until Scott Stevens throws out the first body. Keep your head up in the neutral zone, sports fans, here we go.
Familiarity breeds boredom in the first round for Dallas and Edmonton, who have had a standing appointment for the last four years now. The Stars hold the advantage here, but the games are always close. These two teams have played more one-point games than Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee on Scrabble Night.
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, the Kings are in the midst of a losing streak so severe, it makes France look like the 1960's Boston Celtics. The Kings haven't won a playoff game since Wayne Gretzky was with LA, Patrick Roy was with Montreal, and Hootie was with the Blowfish.
This week in Philadelphia, Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke accused Eric Lindros of "quitting" on his team. That's nice, Bob. It's good to see Flyers management still has enough focus to ignore a 2-0 playoff deficit and complain about the real issue, a player who hasn't touched NHL ice in a year who you refused to trade. Hey Bobby, while you're moving the lounge chair over by the rail, you might want to check out that big iceberg you just ran into.
Troy Aikman retired from football a week ago when no team showed interest in him. Since that time he's been courted by the major networks, offered a job in the XFL and approached about running for public office in Oklahoma. Well, Troy wanted interest. It just goes to show you have to be careful what you wish for.
The NBA's Vancouver Grizzlies finished what will probably be their last game north of the border by blowing a nineteen-point second half lead to Houston. Say what you will about the franchise, they certainly tried to make leaving easy on their fans.
Dave Winfield will go into the Hall of Fame as a San Diego Padre, thus proving what I've always said. Real men wear brown and yellow. Take that however you'd like.
The Texas Rangers, with new shortstop and former Mariner Alex Rodriguez, will play their first game in Seattle this week. Just to make sure the crowd is good and angry, a letter has been made public from A-Rod to the Boeing Company, which he invited to move their operations out of Seattle and to Texas. In a delightful bit of celestial irony, it's also "Boeing Employees Credit Union Night" at Safeco Field. Expect A-Rod to get a reception in Seattle much like the one they gave the World Trade Organization a while back.
Congratulations to Duke on their first national championship in almost ten years, which for Duke must seem like a Demi Moore-esque drought. Thanks for dancing, kids. Last one out of the gym put Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps back in the cage.
Major League Baseball is back, as this past Sunday the Toronto Blue Jays beat Texas 8-1 in the season-opener in Puerto Rico. You know, it's really not a good sign for the Rangers that by the time they get to the continental United States, they're already half a game out of first. Between the Rangers dropping the Intercontinental Title and the Astros struggling to beat their own AA team, it looks like another long season in the Lone Star State.
FBI agents finally closed a case this week involving over a million dollars in autographed baseballs missing from the Hall of Fame. The balls were finally found after it was revealed Rick Ankiel delivered them, so the FBI just looked behind the back wall of the display case.
Darryl Strawberry disappeared after a drug counseling session in Florida and was wanted by the police, which makes exactly one organization still expressing interest in Strawberry. He eventually showed up after rumors came out he was kidnapped. Police are looking for a crime ring specializing in the abduction of athletes who have squandered their careers in off-field incidents. They've also doubled security at the homes of Lawrence Phillips, Steve Howe, and Tony Mandarich.
After an off-season that saw two of their players accused of murder, the National Football League responded decisively by banning bandanas worn around the players' heads. I very rarely get to write about an organization this far out of touch with reality that's not involved with the federal government. A player could take a bus full of hostages this summer and the league would ban earrings.
My vote for the most consistent player in the NBA would have to be Rasheed Wallace. Wallace has smashed his old record for technical fouls in a season with forty, and seven ejections just for giggles. Wallace is living proof of the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, it's the #%$@^& refs fault, you piece of #%$@."
Toronto Maple Leafs enforcer Tie Domi was fined this week for squirting water onto Philadelphia fans, including a friendly fellow who fell through the back wall of the penalty box trying to get to him. Domi was fined a thousand dollars, which appeared to be about two dollars a pound for his admirer. Say what you will about professional athletes but hockey players remain grounded in the way they treat their fans, always there to give them an autograph or impromptu rinse.
Welcome to the NFL of the nineties, as it looks like all six divisions will be won this year by different teams than last year's champions. Some people would look at that, and say the NFL's desire to level the playing field is working. Let's face it, anyone who's a fan of this system is a fan of a bad football team. Take the guy at work who's shown a renewed interest in the NFL, check his closet and you'll probably find a Cardinals or Rams jersey in there somewhere.
Will somebody make the quarterback go-round stop? Over half the teams in the league are experiencing technical difficulties with their signal-callers, and it doesn't look like it's going to stop anytime soon. With two more expansion teams soon to enter the fray and further drain the talent pool, is there anything the NFL can do? If it gets any worse, they'll have to start playing rookie quarterbacks and signing guys in their forties who've been retired for years.
Apparently, it took about ten games for the Cincinnati Bengals to learn about quarterback Neil O'Donnell what they could have learned from any scouting report on Pittsburgh or the New York Jets, so they sent him to the bench. Alternately, they could have learned this information by simply asking any Pittsburgh football fan, any New York sports writer, or Larry Brown.
Another week, another free agent signing. Another team forks over a million dollars to buy a player out of his contract, gives him a raise and pins all of their hopes of the future on him. In the hot stove league that includes Bernie Williams, Randy Johnson, and Mo Vaughn, who'd have thought the first big signing would be former ESPN sports anchor Keith Olbermann? Fox Sports shelled out the big dough for their quick-fix free agent, time remains to tell whether he'll be the Mark McGwire that brings everyone to the ballpark, or the Albert Belle that you immediately regret the morning after.
Speaking of the morning after, Dennis Rodman got married to model/singer/actress/Baywatch Babe/Mensa chairperson (just checking to see if you're still with me) Carmen Electra. The happy couple was excited to learn of their nuptials the next day upon awakening and sobering up. Rodman's inebriated marriage to Electra has caused alcohol consumption nationwide to go up, as guys everywhere attempt to buy into a piece of that luck. Remember fellas, not everyone gets to marry a Baywatch babe. You could wind up married to Tommy Lee. Save the receipts on those gifts, everybody. This one'll turn over like fast food counter help.
In spite of the league's best efforts, the NHL still has less scoring than a first date with Kathie Lee Gifford. After a month, the "fastest game in the world" is pulling in viewers like a Mickey Rourke movie, and that's without the distraction of the NBA. Every time a guy goes on a breakaway and picks up a skier, that's another missed chance for the NHL. Luckily, the NHL continues to do one thing well, and that's give itself a black eye. Last week's Bruins-Capitals game had two hundred and seventy penalty minutes, six fights, and twelve ejections. I watched the highlights of the fights the next day on television, which should show you one of the problems the league is having right there.
Meanwhile in the cold stove league of the NBA, the older players are bunkering down for a long fight with the owners, while the younger players are getting ready to regret not staying in college. Several players are contemplating playing overseas, which should thrill the dozen or so people who have already had the foresight to start a Greek Fantasy Basketball League for next year. The rest of us, we're left to sit and wait, and worse still, listen to Karl Malone.
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