Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX Timeline

Our Super Bowl XXXIX Timeline:

9:00am Central Standard Time - Sports fans worldwide wake up, and check the internet to make sure no player has been arrested for solicitation, has gone AWOL across the border into Mexico, or has locked themselves in a hotel room with a buffet table full of crack. They are pleasantly surprised, and begin to make breakfast.

12:00pm - In an effort to avoid upsetting anyone, Fox's "Best Damn Sports Show" becomes the "Best Darn Super Bowl Pregame." Also, Tom Arnold is replaced with a cute, computer-generated possum.

12:10pm - The Terrell Owens watch officially begins. It is revealed Owens has brought in his personal doctor, chiropractor, therapist, hyperbaric chamber, voodoo chieftain, acupuncturist, tribal shaman, horn section, and faith healer.

1:04pm - Fox Sports' James Brown says Philadelphia is synonymous with the movie "Rocky," leaving out the obvious connections with cheesesteaks and fat guys hurling snow-covered batteries.

1:30pm - A feature airs on the city of Jacksonville, which bears the slogan "Jacksonville...The Other Other Other City In Florida."

1:20pm - Fox provides a security overview in Jacksonville,
which includes full land, air, and sea coverage. Any plane
venturing within fifty miles of Alltel Stadium will be
warned once to change course, then shot down as part of the
halftime show.

4:30pm - The annual unnecessary pregame music begins, with
Gretchen Wilson singing her song about being an easy girl
from the country. Security issues have apparently kept the
crowd on the field down to a few dozen.

4:45pm - Country music legend Charlie Daniels performs "The
Devil Went Down To Georgia." When he arrives at the lyric,
"I done told you once, you son of a..." he is tackled and
detained by outgoing FCC chairman Michael Powell.

4:55pm - Security detains and questions Wilson, several Black
Eyed Peas, and Wind from Earth, Wind, and Fire.

5:27pm - Michael Douglas introduces former Presidents Bush
and Clinton.

5:28pm - Comedians everywhere begin to produce routines about
Clinton asking Douglas about Catherine Zeta-Jones.

5:37pm - Patriot Troy Brown, who will play offense, defense,
and special teams, is also the designated interview before
the game.

5:38pm - The opening kickoff of Super Bowl XXXIX is returned
by the Eagles to the thirty-nine yard line.

5:40pm - Terrell Owens makes his first catch, and follows it
with his first shove of a defender out of bounds.

5:41pm - Donovan McNabb avoids a sack, but fumbles the ball
away to the Patriots. The Eagles challenge the call.

5:44pm - In a FOX marketing tie-in, American Idol judge Simon
Cowell overturns the fumble.

5:46pm - Troy Brown returns a punt for the Patriots.

5:50pm - A commercial airs for LeBron James' new gum, "LeBron's Lightning Lemonade," followed by a promo about Paul McCartney's halftime performence being brought to you by a mortgage company. Marketing has become simple in 2005.

6:04pm - Troy Brown mixes up the Gatorade on the sidelines for the Patriots.

6:11pm - Donovan McNabb throws an interception, which is erased because of a penalty.

6:14pm - On the next play, Donovan McNabb shows his versatility by throwing another interception to the other side of the field.

6:18pm - The Eagles defense responds by forcing the Patriots to go three and out.

6:21pm - The Eagles offense responds by fumbling again.

6:33pm - After a scoreless first quarter, McNabb completes a touchdown pass to L.J. Smith. Eagles lead 7-0.

6:40pm - A Patriots drive is stalled by what could have been a fumble, or a downed player, or something. The refs don't seem to know, and refuse to blow the whistle until the whole thing winds up in a fistfight on the sidelines.

6:45pm - The Patriots protest the fumble call. Simon Cowell overturns the call, then tells Bill Belichick that he's dressed like a vagrant.

6:46pm - Corey Dillon goes on a tremendous twenty-five yard run where he drags several defenders most of the way. Joe Buck quotes from Confucious, "There is no man so desperate as one who has toiled for the Bengals."

6:48pm - Tom Brady fumbles the ball in the backfield. Just like Joe Montana would have, Cris Collinsworth points out.

6:55pm - Troy Brown makes a catch inside the ten yard-line for the Patriots, setting up a game-tying touchdown. Brown then snaps the extra point and retrieves the ball out of the crowd for the refs.

7:14pm - The Super Bowl goes to halftime, score tied at seven, with Paul McCartney scheduled to appear next. People who bet the "under" on points, or nipples, are happy.

7:20pm - McCartney begins his performance. Parents everywhere begin explaining who he is to their children.

7:24pm - The halftime show borders on saucy, as McCartney removes his sport jacket.

7:27pm - Somewhere in California, Latoya Jackson offers to expose her nipples for spare change.

7:30pm - During halftime, Troy Brown takes a moment to negotiate a settlement in the NHL lockout.

7:47pm - The second half begins, brought to you by P Diddy's truck, patriotic alcohol suppliers, and people who work with monkeys.

8:11pm - Inspired by a sideline pep talk and soup break from Donovan McNabb's mom, the Eagles tie the score at fourteen with a touchdown pass to Brian Westbrook.

8:17pm - Troy Brown is called for offsides. He marks the penalty yardage off himself.

8:34pm - In Minnesota, Randy Moss leaves the Vikings Super Bowl party early.

8:58pm - Down by ten points with four minutes to go, the Philadelphia Eagles refuse to use a two-minute offense. They walk around, use the huddle, talk on their cell phones, and have some more Chunky Soup.

9:13pm - After an Eagles touchdown and a Patriot punt, Philadelphia takes over with 46 seconds remaining, down by three on their own four yard line.

9:15pm - Rodney Harrison picks off Donovan McNabb, which gives sportscasters everywhere the right to use the word "dynasty."

9:30pm - On a very special episode of "Desperate Housewives," Nicollete Sheridan snubs Terrell Owens and tries to seduce Bill Belichick.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: Eagles, NFL, Patriots, Super Bowl Timelines

Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline

Our Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline:

Sunday, 3:45pm - The retractable roof at Reliant Stadium is closed. The Houston forecast calls for a 30% chance of rain, and a 100% chance of industrial waste and pollution. Street vendors begin carving out chunks of the Houston air to sell on eBay.

3:30pm - The 989 video game representation of the Super Bowl suddenly grinds to a halt as broadcaster Cyber-Deion Sanders holds out for more money.

4:15pm - Two days after NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue promised to cut down on unsportsmanlike conduct in the league, CBS produces a two-minute special where they put Ty Law and Steve Smith in a room together and they do nothing but trash talk.

4:30pm - Patriots receiver Troy Brown is interviewed on the field, and he talks about how calm New England is before the game. Brown does this in spite of stuttering, shaking and generally fidgeting like a ferret on crystal meth.

4:45pm - Toby Keith and Willie Nelson perform in the pregame show, then immediately leave to go get some munchies.

4:50pm - Thanks to President Bush's new space plan, the members of Aerosmith are launched into orbit to fix the Mars Lander.

5:28pm - The Carolina Panthers win the coin toss. They choose to receive the ball and start the first fistfight of the game.

5:31pm - In a foreshadowing moment, the Carolina player introductions feature running back Stephen Davis walking at the camera, but not going anywhere.

5:33pm - Carolina makes the first punt of the game.

5:40pm - After a Patriots drive, Adam Vinatieri misses a field goal. An angry Don Cheadle heckles him in the next commercial break.

5:43pm - Jessica Simpson does a commercial with the Muppets. Boy, you know there was a rude awakening for her when she got on the set, don't you?

5:44pm - Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme is sacked. Louisiana is sad.

6:11pm - Six punts later, the first quarter ends. Carolina has less than twenty yards of total offense. The Reliant Stadium crowd, which paid an average of $350 per punt so far, is understandably antsy.

6:19pm - Carolina punts again. In a promotional tie-in, the cast of CSI is brought in to do an autopsy on the Panthers offense.

6:20pm - In an interesting twist, Pepsi chooses criminal children to endorse their new music download program. In a related story, AOL seems to be using extras from "Roadhouse" to push the speed of their internet service.

6:26pm - Adam Vinatieri misses another field goal. His attempt is too low and gets blocked.

6:33pm - Another Pizza Hut commercial airs, featuring the Muppets. All the characters want different toppings on their pizza, including some who want pepperoni. Miss Piggy dials 911.

6:37pm - While warming up on the sidelines, Adam Vinatieri misses the broad side of a barn.

6:40pm - Jake Delhomme is sacked and fumbles, giving the Patriots less than twenty yards to go for a touchdown. America sits on the edge of their seats and puts their upcoming bathroom break on hold.

6:46pm - New England scores the first points of the game with a touchdown pass to Deion Branch. Viewers high five each other, figuring they've seen all the points they're going to get in this game.

6:56pm - Samuel L. Jackson does a promotional spot for the NBA about Larry Bird. "You ever been to mother-@#%$^ing French Lick? Winners play on, @#%^er!"

7:02pm - Carolina caps a 95 yard drive with a touchdown pass to Steve Smith. Patriots cornerback Tyrone Poole is taken out of the play when he is run over by Robin Givens.

7:06pm - The Patriots throw a fifty-two yard pass to Deion Branch. In another CBS promotional tie-in, Tom Brady is protected in the pocket by the Survivor Immunity Necklace.

7:11pm - The Patriots score again, stunning Panthers fans and Vegas betters who took the under.

7:14pm - New England goes with a squib kick the Panthers return to midfield. CBS commentator Phil Simms rails against the call.

7:15pm - Carolina closes the half with a field goal. Phil Simms composes a haiku about how much he hates the squib kick.

Why make the squib kick?
How can Belicheck let the
Panthers right back in?

7:19pm - During the Monster.com Super Bowl halftime, Dan Marino considers putting his resume on the internet and backing out of the Dolphins front office job.

7:25pm - MTV presents the Super Bowl halftime show. The show is changed on the fly as five minutes into the program, the network's target audience shifts to a younger demographic.

7:27pm - P Diddy performs at halftime, which means he just plays a tape of last year's halftime show and shouts over it.

7:32pm - Janet Jackson sings "Rhythm Nation." Vegas oddsmakers install Rhythm Nation as four point favorites over Raider Nation.

7:38pm - The MTV halftime show closes with plenty of explosions, lip-synching, and gratuitous nudity.

7:39pm - CBS begins apologizing for the shot of Janet Jackson's right breast that concluded the halftime show. A CBS on-air graphic indicates 74% of the men in America have stopped taping the Super Bowl and have rewound the VCR to watch the end of the halftime show again.

7:43pm - The second half is delayed by an ill-timed streaker. When you're going to try and shock people with nudity, you shouldn't do it five minutes after Janet Jackson's right breast flops out on national TV. That's like bragging about finishing the TV Guide crossword puzzle while Jeopardy's Tournament of Champions is on.

7:46pm - The second half kicks off, sponsored by AOL, Viacom Breakaway Brassieres, and erectile dysfunction.

8:20pm - The third quarter ends with no scores. Both teams, apparently confused by a split-second of Janet Jackson's right breast, are stunned into complacency.

8:22pm - A commercial for the NFL Network catches Rich Eisen checking out what else is on TV.

8:25pm - Antowain Smith scores, giving New England a comfortable eleven point-lead. Boston sports fans begin comparing Tom Brady to Joe Montana.

8:33pm - DeShaun Foster makes a touchdown run. The defensive struggle is pretty much shot. People who took the under begin drinking heavily. The Panthers miss the two-point conversion.

8:45pm - Tom Brady throws an interception in the end zone. The Joe Montana comparisons momentarily stop.

8:53pm - Muhsin Muhammad makes an eighty-five yard touchdown catch, and the Patriots trail in a football game for the first time since the 1986 season. The Panthers miss the two-point conversion.

9:04pm - New England is penalized for illegal touching. Michael Jackson sympathizes.

9:09pm - New England throws a touchdown pass to Mike Vrabel. Just to add insult to injury, they make the two-point conversion.

9:18pm - Ricky Proehl catches the game-tying touchdown for Carolina, because that's what Ricky Proehl always does.

9:28pm - Adam Vinatieri lines up and hits a field goal with four seconds left to give New England a 32-29 lead.

9:31pm - The game ends, New England wins its second championship in three years. Tom Brady is selected as MVP. Boston sports fans pop open the champagne and begin celebrating their first ever football dynasty.

Monday, 9:38am - Boston sports fans go back to complaining about the Red Sox.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: NFL, Panthers, Patriots, Super Bowl Timelines

Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline

Our Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline:

February 3, 2001, 8:15am (Central time) - Patriots quarterback Drew Bledsoe reads his morning paper and checks his horoscope. "Aquarius: Your moon is setting. Today is a big day for you, but in a way that only Bubby Brister can appreciate. Stay patient, and rent a U-Haul."

2:40pm - During the Super Bowl pregame, John Walsh of "America's Most Wanted" hosts a feature on Superdome security measures to keep out terrorists. Apparently, their scheme is based on the way the New England special teams treated Pittsburgh Steeler Troy Edwards in the AFC Championship game.

4:34pm - The pregame show begins, brought to you by the Declaration of Independence, Barry Manilow, and Britney Spears' navel.

4:41pm - The Boston Pops perform. John Madden points out that while the woodwinds are playing straight up, the brass are in a zone.

5:03pm - The members of *NSYNC are now officially halfway through their career arc, having gone from halftime entertainers to pregame commercial endorsers in one year. The next step involves a VH1 "Behind The Music" special.

5:17pm - In a strange occurrence, New England elects to be introduced only as a team, with no individual players recognized. Enron executives begin to consider this strategy.

5:21pm - Mariah Carey lip-syncs the national anthem. Despite her recent problems, Carey does not wander off from the podium even once. Oddsmakers take their first beating of the day.

5:25pm - Terry Glenn wakes up, and tries to remember what he was supposed to be doing today.

5:31pm - Acting on instinct, Aeneas Williams intercepts the pregame coin toss and returns it for a touchdown. After a five-minute review, officials decide the touchdown should not stand.

5:34pm - Seconds before kickoff, Kurt Warner does a sideline interview in which he does not mention either religion or Chunky Soup. He obviously has a lot on his mind.

5:40pm - The Rams punt after their first possession of the game. People who took the Rams and gave points begin to sweat slightly.

5:42pm - Baltimore Raven linebacker Ray Lewis begins to wonder why nobody is showing up for his Super Bowl party.

5:56pm - After a New England punt, St. Louis scores on a Jeff Wilkins field goal to take the lead 3-0.

6:17pm - Another Rams field goal is no good when Mariah Carey wanders back out onto the field and distracts Jeff Wilkins by hitting a "high E."

6:20pm - The "Fox Ticker" comes on, and inexplicably encourages viewers to stop watching the game and go log on to the internet.

6:29pm - Kurt Warner breaks up the offensive malaise Patriot fans are feeling by throwing an interception to Ty Law for a touchdown. To make matters worse, Warner finds out when he reaches the sidelines that he does not have "M-Life," whatever that means.

6:36pm - In a humorous moment, Patriots punt returner Troy Brown calls for a fair catch, even though it appears the Rams coverage team has been delayed by security and is standing on the sidelines barefoot having their shoes examined.

6:42pm - The "Fox Ticker" comes back on. This time, the message reminds us about the Pro Bowl next weekend while showing us players who will all have minor surgery after the Super Bowl and skip the event.

6:51pm - With 1:12 to go in the first half, Pepsi calls a time-out.

6:55pm - Tom Brady completes a touchdown pass to David Patten for a 14-3 halftime lead for New England.

7:09pm - It is announced that Clear Channel Communications has purchased the Super Bowl halftime show, the "First and Ten" stripe, and Pat Summerall's answering machine message.

7:10pm - U2 takes the stage to thousands of screaming, exuberant fans. Oakland Raider Darryl Russell is spotted in the crowd trying to score some X.

7:18pm - U2 completes the first Super Bowl halftime show in recent memory that is neither insulting nor embarrassing. Entertainment organizers immediately make plans for next year's show, involving fireworks, giant papier-mache hands, and trained monkeys.

7:24pm - Paul McCartney visits the Fox set, where he talks about the first half of the Super Bowl. Howie Long responds with a thematic analysis of the Abbey Road album.

7:26pm - Paul McCartney and Terry Bradshaw sing together. Stadium security threatens lethal force, and the duet mercifully stops.

7:30pm - The second half begins. The Rams are down 11 points, 23 from the spread.

8:00pm - Kurt Warner continues his bid for Super Bowl MVP by throwing his second interception, this one to Otis Smith.

8:02pm - While talking about the quarterback situation, Pat Summerall and John Madden remind us there is no "I" in team. Nor is there one in "Bledsoe." Or "Buffalo," for that matter.

8:04pm - After a series where the Patriots called both the halfback pass and the direct shotgun snap, they get a field goal. Mike Martz warns his defense to watch out for other plays from "The Longest Yard."

8:07pm - After the third quarter, New England leads St. Louis 17-3. Anybody who gave points begins to weep uncontrollably.

8:10pm - As the fourth quarter starts, Pat and John begin to reminisce about all the games they've seen and called. In the booth, the "Shut Up, The Game Is Still Going On" light (sponsored by E*TRADE) comes on.

8:19pm - On fourth and goal from the three, the Rams call the "Kurt Warner lopes casually to the right" play. The Patriots stop Warner, cause a fumble, and return it for a touchdown.

8:20pm - A penalty brings back the touchdown and gives the Rams first and goal at the two. Sadly, this call comes too late to keep many minor organized crime figures from jumping out of windows.

8:21pm - After protesting the referee's call from his living room, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban instinctively writes out a check to David Stern.

8:24pm - Kurt Warner scores on a quarterback sneak. Rams trail 17-10, but have now outscored both teams in yesterday's NHL All-Star game.

8:40pm - Just to make things interesting, both teams decide to burn all of their timeouts halfway through the fourth quarter.

8:43pm - New England takes the clock down to the two-minute warning, then punts it away in hopes the Rams offense will continue to be unable to drive on them.

8:50pm - St. Louis drives the ball like Dennis Hopper has strapped a bomb to it, and scores the tying touchdown in three plays and twenty-one seconds. America stops watching "Fear Factor," which is a pretty good idea anyway.

8:52pm - New England gets the ball back at their own seventeen, and John Madden announces he expects the Patriots to take a knee and go to overtime. Tom Brady responds with a fifty-three yard drive to set up a game-winning field goal.

8:57pm - Somewhere, Scott Norwood says a little prayer.

8:58pm - Patriots kicker Adam Vinatieri lines up for a forty-eight yard field goal, connecting with no time left on the clock to win the game.

8:59pm - The word "dynasty" ceases to exist in the NFL lexicon again. Terry Glenn's "clinical depression" gets a little bit worse. Kurt Warner realizes he's just another victim of "The Curse of Chunky Soup."

9:02pm - BCS Computers announce they have selected St. Louis as Super Bowl Champions.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: NFL, Patriots, Rams, Super Bowl Timelines

Grand Slam Dancing

Tiger Woods won the Masters this past Sunday, becoming the first golfer of the modern era to win the Grand Slam. This also officially begins the new era of "Tiger Being Expected to Win Everything." Purists will argue that Tiger's Grand Slam is not a true one, since it didn't occur in a single calendar year. This is like complaining the numbers on your winning lottery ticket are out of order.

The NBA made news last week, with the Dallas Mavericks signing the first-ever Chinese player in the NBA. Fans witnessed history in the making when Wang Zhizhi came in for Dirk Nowitzki, guarded Hanno Mottola, and made the basket that put the Mavs over 100 and gave every fan in attendance a free chalupa. In other words, the Chinese guy subbed for the German, D'ed up the guy from Finland, and won a bunch of Texans some Mexican food. What is this, basketball or "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"

In the NFL, the San Diego Chargers have been on the clock for the first draft pick since last November, and they're now admitting that Virginia Tech quarterback Michael Vick is their man. Vick worked out for San Diego and everyone was thrilled with him. Bear in mind, of course, that San Diego has no basis of comparison when it comes to quarterback talent, since they haven't had a regular signal-caller since they dragged Stan Humphries off the field for the last time.

Carl Pickens signed with Dallas this week after rejecting their first offer and saying he wanted to hear from some other teams ("You have...zero...messages"). This gives Dallas a good three-receiver tandem for next year. In a related story, Troy Aikman has finally realized the ringing in his ears is from the broadcast networks, and not just in his head for a change.

At a ceremony at the New England Patriots new stadium, a reporter was injured by falling construction equipment. The Patriots seem to be snakebitten, don't they? Forget protecting their players on the field, now the curse is beginning to strike at the support staff. Remember, this is a team who lost a starting running back to a career-ending beach volleyball injury. Working for the Patriots is beginning to be like playing drums for Spinal Tap.

No matter how you look at it, it seems like the Rangers overspent and haven't gotten their money's worth so far this season. Sports fans may wonder here if I'm talking hockey or baseball. Yes.

Labels: Chargers, Cowboys, Mavericks, Patriots, Rangers, Tiger Woods

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Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX Timeline

Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII Timeline

Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI Timeline

Grand Slam Dancing