Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Pirate Booty

The Oakland Raiders are writing off this season, just like last season, and the season before that, and the season before that, etcetera. THey've announced that their top pick JaMarcus Russell will start at quarterback this week against San Diego.

Man, nothing says "must see TV" like Oakland starting a rookie with a 24 QB rating against a playoff team that hates them.

Say what you want about the Oakland Raiders, but they do lead the league in quarterbacks who can throw a three interception game at a moment's notice. At least when Josh McCown is in there, they can run more than four different plays. With Culpepper back there, figuring out their offensive gameplan was about as complicated as Tecmo Bowl.

Labels: NFL, Raiders

Raiders of the Lost Art of Passing

Raiders coach Lane Kiffen has said that in spite of his passing game being "embarrassing," he's going to stick with quarterback Josh McCown.

Forget the personal insult to McCown, a quarterback who can't seem to make a connection with any of the dozens of talented players the Raiders have on offense like...uh...Something Porter? Dave Casper? Is Tim Brown still there?

Anyway, this is actually insulting to Daunte Culpepper. What Kiffen is saying is "We suck. We're awful. We're less offensive than PBS."

"However, I think this can still get worse if I put Culpepper in as my quarterback. I would rather put a bag of snails in as my signal caller than Culpepper, because that would increase my chances to win a football game."

I like how the article refers to Culpepper as a "former Pro Bowl player." That's like referring to Britney Spears as a "former entertainer." It's technically true, but it's been quite a while since it was applicable.

Labels: NFL, Raiders

Just Walk, Baby

USC assistant coach Steve Sarkasian withdrew from the coaching race to take over the Oakland Raiders over the weekend, even though he had not yet been offered the job. Good job! Sarkasian also turned down the chance to run Enron, watch a recent Robin Williams movie, and to have a midget punch him repeatedly in the crotch.

Labels: NFL, Raiders

Monday Night's Alright For Fighting, Too

Let's see, ESPN paid about a billion dollars to secure the rights to Monday Night Football. This year, they've had to carry two Oakland games where not only did the Raiders refuse to score, but the only thing offensive in the entire game was a knee to the groin.

And what kind of piece of crap is Jerramy Stevens that he can get Ro-Sham-Bo'ed on Monday Night Football, and the NFL figures he deserves it and it's not even worth a suspension?

Labels: NFL, Raiders

Rush To Judgement

The Rush Limbaugh era on ESPN lasted all of four weeks. Limbaugh has resigned from ESPN Countdown after making remarks about Donovan McNabb being overrated by the media because he is a "black quarterback." This means we'll miss Limbaugh's scheduled diatribe, "Why The Liberal Sports Media Is Biased In Favor Of Tony Gonzalez."

Limbaugh's resignation is a tough break for ESPN. Where will they ever find somebody who never played sports, but is willing to shout out their uninformed opinions on the NFL? I mean, besides five million sports-talk radio callers.

Limbaugh railed about how McNabb was overrated, then McNabb went out and carved up the Buffalo defense for Philly's first win. Things couldn't have looked worse for Rush if McNabb had thrown 3 TD passes to Bill Clinton.

I, for one, am staggered by the sheer amount of celestial irony in Limbaugh complaining about how the media has taken something out of context and blown it up. That's like Larry Flynt calling something "tasteless," or Joan Rivers telling us who's had too much plastic surgery.

All in all, it's been a fun season in the NFL so far. Baltimore's Jamal Lewis set the single-game rushing record against the Browns. After the game, Ray Lewis threw him a party that all of the other Ravens were too terrified to attend.

Terrell Owens exploded during the Niners loss to Minnesota. After the game, coach Dennis Erickson said he had spoken to Owens. "He knows where I'm coming from," Erickson said. To be specific, that location is 1-3, 32-36 overall, and way over his head in San Francisco.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady threw three interceptions against the Redskins. The Patriots lost, but luckily, he had benched himself on his fantasy football team.

Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski missed the first game of his sixteen-year career because of a concussion. It's hard to believe with all of the supplements Romo takes, he couldn't find something for a headache, eh? Maybe Rush Limbaugh could share.

Bill Parcells returned to Giants Stadium Sunday for the first time in two weeks, and the Cowboys beat the Jets. With the Cowboys 2-0 in Giant Stadium while the Giants and Jets are just 1-3, maybe the New York teams should think about some kind of "Trading Spaces" arrangement. The way things are going, it may be safer for the Jets to play their home games somewhere else anyway.

Even though he's still three sacks shy of Reggie White's all-time record, Bruce Smith has already been paid for it. Thanks to a reworked contract, Smith has already been paid his bonus for breaking the record. I guess everyone figures if Smith gets close enough to the record, Brett Favre will just fall down three times and give it to him.

The Atlanta Falcons have suspended cornerback Tyrone Williams after a tirade against one of his coaches. He was punished for "conduct detrimental to the team." Hey, the Falcons are 1-3, whose conduct is really helping all that much?

The NFL set an attendance record for a single weekend when 1.09 million tickets were sold opening weekend. Of course, there are more teams than ever before. Also, on opening weekend fans aren't aware the Jets and Bears have already been mathematically eliminated.

Albert Pujols won the closest National League batting title ever by beating Todd Helton by .00022. Coincidentally enough, that same figure was Jermaine's Dye's batting average.

Police arrested a woman who was stealing a toilet seat from Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. The woman apparently wanted a souvenir from the stadium following the last Phillies game at the Vet. Philadelphia sports fans have always shown that kind of ingenuity. Why just buy a license plate frame when you can steal a more authentic keepsake, preferably something with urine all over it? Why just throw a snowball, when you can hurl a frozen D battery? Why just rough up an out-of-town fan when you can break Santa Claus' leg? Philly is just another level of sports fan.

Converse has brought out a new line of sneaker called the "Loaded Weapon." Critics are condemning the shoes as glorifying violence. Thank goodness Converse didn't go through with their initial plans to call it the "Jayson Williams Party Shoe."

The ACC is adding a few members next season, but it's not doing its current members any favors. The football schedule drawn up will require Wake Forest, North Carolina, NC State, and Virginia to play Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State for the next two years. That's nice hospitality, eh? That's like staging a housewarming party and letting your new neighbors take turns kicking you in the groin and tracking mud all over your house.

Labels: CFB, Cowboys, NFL, Raiders, TO

Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline

Our Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline:

Wednesday - It is announced that due to security concerns, Super Bowl attendees will not be allowed to park in San Diego. They will have to leave their cars parked on the Baja Peninsula and walk across the border.

Thursday - A sweep of the Super Bowl results in the arrest and deportation of sixty-two illegal immigrants, five foreign nationals, and the cast of "The Best Damn Sports Show Period."

Saturday night, 8:30pm (Central Time) - Raiders coach Bill Callahan correctly identifies center Barret Robbins as "The Mole."

Super Bowl Sunday, 7:00am - Raider fans begin trying to pass through security. New rules state no weapons and nothing made of metal can be brought into the stadium. The check-point quickly resembles trying to run security at Thunderdome.

12:58pm - As their pregame show concludes, ESPN analysts give their picks. Sterling Sharpe predicts since the season had a record number of overtime games, this will be the first Super Bowl to go to OT. He picks Tampa Bay to win 13-9 in overtime. This is followed by a moment of stunned silence as everyone wonders how to win a game by four points in overtime.

12:59pm - Shannon Sharpe comes over to the ESPN set to make fun of his brother.

2:47pm - Magicians Penn & Teller are shown making their prediction for Super Bowl score and MVP, which will be suspended from a pole and guarded by U.S. Marines until after the game. Foreign countries watching the Super Bowl are puzzled at America's military strategy, which apparently involves dispatching armed troops to guard a pickle jar in Times Square.

4:58pm - Kid Rock and Hank Williams Jr. ask us if we're ready for some football. By the way, Rock and Williams throw the second-least popular Super Bowl party, trailing only the annual "Ray Lewis Memorial Back Alley Bash."

5:01pm - Melissa Stark informs us that ABC has tracked down Raider center Barret Robbins' whereabouts to either a local hospital, a plane flight home, or "a city that starts with a 'B'."

5:03pm - Arnold Schwarzenegger provides a lame tie-in to the upcoming Terminator sequel. Not to be trivial here, but it just doesn't make any sense. Every time they send a cyborg back through time, the model looks ten years older than the last one. That's why the machines will never win, kids.

5:12pm - Celine Dion, a Canadian, sings "God Bless America." In other news, Lee Greenwood will be performing at this year's CFL Grey Cup.

5:26pm - Super Bowl XXXVII starts with the kickoff, brought to you by Pepsi, the Osbournes, and the letter "d".

5:33pm - Sebastian Janikowski's field goal gives the Raiders the first points of the ballgame.

5:35pm - Raider Nation is officially admitted to the United Nations.

5:36pm - At this point, Al Michaels has already used the words "obligatory," "alacrity," and "consternation." John Madden has used the words "whoomp," "clobber," and "whup."

5:45pm - Martin Gramatica ties the game with a field goal.

5:51pm - In a marketing tie-in, Rich Gannon is sacked by the Incredible Hulk.

6:05pm - Tampa Bay receives their first penalty. An on-screen graphic indicates this illegal shift was brought to you by Budweiser, The Matrix, and Rogaine.

6:18pm - Brad Johnson's thirty yard pass attempt to Keyshawn Johnson is knocked down by the no-fly zone.

6:19pm - Tampa Bay's second field goal makes it 6-3. Bettors who predicted a defensive struggle smile with much the same confidence of people in 2001 who had their life savings in Enron stock.

6:24pm - A commercial airs for next weekend's Pro Bowl and NHL All-Star game, neither of which will feature anyone from today's game.

6:25pm - In an attempt to jump-start their offense, Oakland goes to the no-huddle offense. An on-screen graphic indicates Oakland's lack of huddle is brought to you by Sierra Mist, Charlie's Angels, and long walks in the sunset.

6:40pm - Oakland has had the ball six times and only gained thirty yards. Raider Nation gets uppity.

6:57pm - Tampa Bay scores again, to make it 20-3. The Bucs number one defense looks as good as advertised. The Raiders number one offense, however, looks like Number Two.

7:02pm - The first half ends. MVP Rich Gannon has thrown for 56 yards with two interceptions. The NFL runs a promo where Don Cheadle angrily says 56 yards passing won't win anybody a Super Bowl.

7:11pm - The half-time show begins, brought to you by Cadillac, the klez virus, and Shania Twain's wardrobe.

7:15pm - Shania Twain sings a song with the chorus, "It can only go up from here." She does not mention any of the Oakland Raiders specifically by name.

7:18pm - While on break, Raider Nation conquers France.

7:22pm - Halftime concludes as Sting joins No Doubt on stage for a spirited version of his song, "Message In A Bottle." Who'd have thought that at halftime, the veteran taking advantage of the big stage and giving his most inspired performance in years would be Sting and not one of the Raiders?

7:30pm - A seventeenth promo for "Alias" is interrupted by the second-half kickoff, giving Oakland a chance to make a statement and retake the momentum.

7:49pm - After going three-and-out, the Raiders defense gives up an eighty-nine yard drive for a touchdown. As far as making statements go, the Raiders just said "Take my money, but please don't hurt me."

7:50pm - Martin Gramatica's extra point makes it 27-3, Tampa Bay. America sees what else is on.

8:09pm - After a Tampa Bay interception for a touchdown, millions of Americans lose interest in the game, flipping the TV over to VH1 to watch the Behind The Music special on the Raiders. "They had the league MVP and were favored to win the Super Bowl, but behind the scenes, things were falling apart."

8:13pm - Raider fans arrive at their seats after finally removing all their weapons and metal objects. Sadly, many of them are now naked, wearing only black and silver paint.

8:27pm - Oakland blocks a punt and returns it for a touchdown, ending the possibility of a historically significant Super Bowl butt-whipping.

8:47pm - Jerry Rice scores on the same deep slant pass he's scored on in every Super Bowl.

8:49pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's call on the extra point. The challenge fails.

8:50pm - The Raiders try and challenge the back judge's mother.

9:06pm - A touchdown from Derrick Brooks officially ends the competitive portion of the Super Bowl. The NFL passes out the championship hats and shirts, and makes arrangements to drive Jon Gruden home.

9:12pm - The Bucs add their third defensive touchdown of the night. Oakland's offense now trails Tampa Bay's defense, 21-14.

9:16pm - Super Bowl XXXVII ends. Bon Jovi gets defrosted, while Tim Brown and Rich Gannon go back on ice again.

9:55pm - In Times Square, Penn & Teller reveal they correctly predicted not only the final score and the MVP, but also Rich Gannon's QB Rating and the whereabouts of Barret Robbins.

11:58pm - In his underground bunker, Al Davis vows revenge. Not only did he lose the Super Bowl, he has just realized that next year's first round pick he got for Jon Gruden is now the worst pick in the draft.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: Bucs, NFL, Raiders, Super Bowl Timelines

Stars And Bars

The meaningless exhibition season is now officially over. We've finished the NBA All-Star Game, NHL All-Star Game, NFL Pro Bowl, and Cincinnati Bengals 2001 season. Now things start to matter again.

NBA All-Star game MVP Kobe Bryant seemed surprised to be booed in his hometown of Philadelphia. Didn't he pay attention growing up in Philly? If the Philly fans have no compunctions about cheering injuries and booing Santa Claus, why would they hold back on a guy who's been living two time zones away for the last six years? Clearly I think the sentiment here was if Kobe were a true Philadelphia soul, he'd boo himself.

The real All-Star hero is turning out to be Minnesota forward Kevin Garnett. Garnett is giving ten thousand fans at the next Timberwolves game a free soda or beer to celebrate his All-Star appearance. By the way, Garnett has also just been elected to next year's Pro Bowl, U.S. Hockey team, Real World cast, WNBA All-Star game, IROC, and Minnesota legislature.

It appears that baseball contraction is about as dead as plans to remove the American League pennant from the Yankees clubhouse. The Montreal Expos have now been sold to the other 29 baseball owners, thus giving them the exact same motivation to win as the Washington Generals. And in spite of begging for the Kervorkian treatment, the Minnesota Twins have been forced to play this year by their Metrodome landlord. Savor, if you will, the exquisite irony of the best-laid plans of Bud Selig being undone by Stanley Roper. In this offseason, Selig has been outsmarted by both an ex-professional wrestler and an inanimate object. It doesn't take an act of Congress to determine the weakest link. Although come to think of it, that might happen, too.

The 2001-2002 NFL season is now over, as the Pro Bowl is in the books. The Pro Bowl is traditionally the weakest of the All-Star games, a game where everybody just lines up and doesn't try too hard. Or as Randy Moss calls it, "Sunday."

Oakland Raiders defensive tackle Darrell Russell is disputing the claims of a woman who said he raped her, saying among other things, the woman bragged about posing for Playboy Magazine. I know this is a serious issue, but if the American legal system agrees being naked in Playboy is a suitable defense for rape, this country is going to be thrown into anarchy so fast it'll make your head spin. Hefner's mansion is going to look like the last days of the Alamo.

And finally, why does everything weird in America seem to happen in Florida? Voter controversy, immigrant problems, soccer contraction, the Tampa Bay Lightning, and now the Buccaneers coaching search. Since firing the only coach to ever make the franchise a consistent winner, the Bucs have missed on hiring their top three choices to replace him. Usually top-level decisions this bad are proceeded by many hours of document shredding. Tampa Bay wanted a new coach to take them in a different direction, unfortunately that direction turned out to be similar to that of a skydiving rhinoceros.

Labels: Bucs, MLB, NFL, Raiders

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Pirate Booty

Raiders of the Lost Art of Passing

Just Walk, Baby

Monday Night's Alright For Fighting, Too

Rush To Judgement

Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII Timeline

Stars And Bars