Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Driver 2

Congratulations to David Duval for winning his first Major at this year's British Open. And condolences go out to Ian Woosnam, whose great round as well as his confidence were undone by a two-stroke penalty for having an extra driver in his bag. Apparently, his caddie keeps track of clubs like a drunken Charlie Sheen.

The PGA Tour also negotiated a great deal this week, selling their broadcast rights for 850 million dollars. That's an increase of almost 45% over their current deal. And not only is the money better, under the new deal Tiger Woods only has to work on Sundays.

Even as NFL training camps begin to open, the saga of Ray Lewis continues. Lewis appealed his $250,000 fine from the Commissioner's Office for his involvement in a double-murder two Super Bowls ago. The Commissioner's Office refused to lower the fine, correctly pointing out that only comes to 125K for each dead body.

Fred McGriff turned down a trade this week that would have sent him from league-worst Tampa Bay to the NL Central-leading Chicago Cubs. In fact, on the Devil Rays last road trip, McGriff also elected not to receive a complimentary cup of coffee, spurned an offer for a flight upgrade, and became abusive when asked if he would like to "Supersize" his Big Mac combo. The guy just doesn't like change, I guess.

It was announced this week that the RJR Tobacco Company would drop its sponsorship of the National Hot Rod Association. Under the terms of the Master Settlement Agreement, RJR had to choose only one venue of advertising, and chose to go with NASCAR over the NHRA. This is something for NASCAR to be proud of, I suppose, although it seems a bit like being thankful for all the jobs provided by that nuclear reactor next door. Meanwhile, in a bid to replace tobacco as a sponsor, NHRA is looking at the manufacturers of alcohol, raw bacon, and radiation.

In hockey news, Eric Lindros said Monday he was invited to Canada's pre-Olympic camp. Flyers general manager Bobby Clarke immediately demanded compensation from the Canadian Olympic team, seeking the rights to two downhill skiers, Celine Dion, and Michael J. Fox. Team Canada executive director Wayne Gretzky then made a counter offer for a curler to be named later, Chilliwack, and Tom Green. Don't keep your hopes up, hockey fans.

Labels: Golf, MLB, NASCAR, NHL, Ravens

Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV Timeline

Our Super Bowl XXXV Timeline:

4:55pm (Central Time) - As two weeks of pregame draws to a close, one final performance airs to get the crowd pumped up for the Super Bowl. Unfortunately, Sting chooses a droning number from last year's album, leaving the crowd dazed. Are you ready for some football? How about some Indian chanting?

5:00pm - Player introductions begin for Super Bowl XXXV.

5:01pm - The first player introduced, Tony Siragusa, is clearly heard saying the "f-word" as he runs onto the field. It figures that after XXXV years of doing Super Bowl broadcasts, the networks still don't know which mics to leave open. Here's a hint: None of the ones near Tony Siragusa, folks.

5:04pm - First dance of the game. Ray Lewis does a celebratory jig as his name is called during introductions. NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue immediately enacts an "Excessive Pregame Celebration" penalty for next season.

5:21pm - Backstreet Boys sing the National Anthem.

5:22pm - Twelve-year-old girls worldwide turn the channel to MTV's Super Bowl coverage.

5:25pm - Super Bowl XXXV kicks off.

5:45pm - Ravens make the first 1st down of Super Bowl XXXV. Whoever had "20 minutes" in your office pool wins some cash.

5:48pm - Jermaine Lewis returns a punt 43 yards for the Ravens, electrifying the crowd. A holding call on the play nullifies the yardage, the crowd, and the electricity.

5:49pm - People worldwide are jolted out of their naps as Trent Dilfer connects with Brandon Stokley for a touchdown pass. Jason Sehorn is beaten deep for the touchdown. Angie Harmon is unavailable for comment.

6:01pm - Kyle Richardson continues to garner MVP votes with his fifth punt of the day for the Ravens.

6:03pm - In a confused attempt to evade the Ravens pass rush, Kerry Collins tries to fake intentional grounding.

6:05pm - Jason Sehorn slips down on the coverage, and Ravens wide receiver Patrick Johnson sprints wide open down the sidelines. Trent Dilfer sees the opportunity and throws a perfect spiral four yards out of bounds.

6:06pm - In the broadcast booth, former NFL quarterback and CBS analyst Phil Simms receives a contract offer from Ravens coach Brian Billick.

6:16pm - Baltimore gets a third down completion from Dilfer to Patrick Johnson for eight yards and a first down. CBS gets so excited, they break out the new "Matrix" special effects to show the eight-yard gain. Millions of kids with Playstation 2's everywhere are suitably unimpressed.

6:25pm - Kerry Collins is picked off by Jamie Sharper. Collins seems unfazed by his miscue as he goes to the sidelines, thus providing a recurring theme for the day.

6:27pm - Brian Billick's life passes before his eyes when a Dilfer screen pass is intercepted and returned for a touchdown. A holding penalty nullifies the play, but the nausea persists.

6:28pm - In the press box, former NFL quarterback and radio analyst Boomer Esiason receives a contract offer from Brian Billick.

6:51pm - Giants running back Tiki Barber goes for 27 yards to put the Giants into field goal range with less than two minutes to go until halftime. Giants fans everywhere cheer.

6:52pm - On the next play, Kerry Collins throws his second interception of the day. Giants fans everywhere utter phrases not suitable for print in a family Fistful column.

6:54pm - Halftime arrives, with the Ravens leading 10 to 0. The "under" appears to have been the safe bet. America gets up to go to the bathroom.

7:14pm - The halftime show concludes, with Aerosmith performing their rock classic "Walk This Way" with four current popular musical acts, none of whom were alive when the song was recorded. Steven Tyler of Aerosmith attempts to pick up Britney Spears with the line, "Hey, wasn't my daughter your baby sitter?"

7:20pm - Greg Gumbel, who holds a Masters Degree in Hyperbole, refers to Trent Dilfer's first half performance (7-17, 108 yards) as "superb." Phil Simms, who was 22 for 25 in Super Bowl XXI, bites his tongue so hard he draws blood.

7:24pm - A quick recap of the first half statistics shows 13 punts and 11 penalties. This is not what was intended by the slogan "Show Me Something."

7:33pm - Kerry Collins throws interception number three.

7:34pm - Tony Banks comes in at quarterback for an injured Dilfer, immediately reminding Ravens fans how Dilfer got the starting job. The Ravens schedule one incomplete pass in the middle of five runs, and miss a field goal.

7:42pm - New York responds to the missed field goal by sending in Brad Maynard for the game's fifteenth punt.

7:44pm - In an emotional moment, Trent Dilfer returns to quarterback the Ravens, leading them boldly into three incomplete passes and a record-setting sixteenth punt of the ball game.

7:49pm - Kerry Collins ties a Super Bowl record with his fourth interception, which is returned for a touchdown.

7:50pm - Giants coach Jim Fassel meets Brian Billick at midfield and tries to trade for Trent Dilfer.

7:53pm - Giants return man Ron Dixon returns a kickoff 97 yards for a touchdown, thus saving the Giants from the brink of oblivion.

7:54pm - Ravens return man Jermaine Lewis goes 84 yards for a score. Giants return to their regularly scheduled oblivion. The Super Bowl crowd is stunned by three touchdowns in 36 seconds of clock time. Worldwide, millions of bettors who took the "under" weep inconsolably.

8:18pm - Jamal Lewis scores on a three-yard touchdown run, which is challenged by the Giants.

8:22pm - Taking roughly the same amount of time Aerosmith was given to perform at halftime, the referee rules the touchdown is good. Millions of TV sets worldwide change channels.

8:26pm - The ensuing kickoff is fumbled by the Giants and recovered by Baltimore. Giants fans don't notice, as "The Sopranos" is on.

8:44pm - Ray Lewis is named Super Bowl XXXV MVP. Mickey, Donald, and Goofy make plans to call in sick tomorrow if Lewis gets the Disneyland trip.

8:46pm - Super Bowl XXXV ends with a 34-7 win for the Baltimore Ravens. It turns out the "over" was the correct bet on both points (41) and punts (21).

9:14pm - The second season of "Survivor" starts. Kerry Collins is voted off the island.

Previous Super Bowl Timelines:
Manning Up: Super Bowl XLI (2007, Colts vs. Bears)
Pitt Crew: Super Bowl XL (2006, Steelers vs. Seahawks)
Growing Up Brady: Super Bowl XXXIX (2005, Patriots vs. Eagles)
Patriot Games: Super Bowl XXXVIII (2004, Patriots vs. Panthers)
Jolly Rogered: Super Bowl XXXVII (2003, Buccaneers vs. Raiders)
Lack Of Ram: Super Bowl XXXVI (2002, Patriots vs. Rams)
Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV (2001, Ravens vs. Giants)

Labels: Giants, NFL, Ravens, Super Bowl Timelines

Love Shaq

This just in from the Staples Center in Los Angeles, Shaquille O' Neal is having a pretty good day. For game two, Pacers coach Larry Bird is thinking about using the "McDonald's French Fry" defense that worked so well on Grant Hill.

Pacers guard Reggie Miller, playing in his home state of California, was just awful in this game. Of course, in Hollywood, hitting once out of every sixteen times will still get you a three-picture deal. To help me visualize what happened to Reggie in Tinseltown, I started shouting out the name of a Demi Moore movie every time he took a shot. (The Scarlet Letter! Striptease! The Juror! GI Jane! Passion of Mind!) Turns out Demi came up with a winner about as often as Reggie.

In baseball, where interleague play gives us great natural rivalries like Texas against Los Angeles, the Chicago Cubs are a team in turmoil. With Sammy Sosa and Don Baylor at odds, the Windy City will have to do whatever's necessary to keep the peace. With the Blackhawks, Bulls, and Bears playing the way they have been, Chicago fans don't care if they have to bring in Jimmy Carter to negotiate the settlement. Sosa says "Try to see it my way, only time will tell if I am right or I am wrong." Baylor says "Try to see it your way, there's a chance that we might fall apart before too long." We can work it out.

Meanwhile, Braves reliever John Rocker was demoted to the minors this week after threatening a Sports Illustrated writer. Rocker supporters pointing out that at least now he was picking on a white guy didn't help. And now, Rocker hasn't decided if he'll report to the minors, telling an Atlanta radio station that he'd like to get into a business that's not so stressful, such as becoming a stock broker. Yeah, that's a nice stress-free job, eh? On a larger issue, who's gonna turn their money over to Rocker and hope for a nice return on their investment? What, is the Klan looking to diversify their portfolio? Is Mark Fuhrman wanting to play the market? Of course, John Rocker is a white guy, and therefore he's good at handling money, or at least that's what Reggie White thinks.

In the NFL, Niners quarterback Steve Young is reportedly set to retire. Is this for the best? How many concussions is too many? Of course, it seems like we ask this question of Young every time he takes a shot to the head, and every time he comes back with the same answer. "Thursday."

Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis proved there's always a way to beat the coverage, turning his murder charge into a misdemeanor faster than you can say "Oh, THAT knife." Lewis testified against his two friends in exchange for leniency. I can't believe he'd sell out AC and Kato like that, can you?

Labels: Lakers, Pacers, Ravens

Kicking Habits

Vikings kicker Gary Anderson became the all-time leading scorer in NFL history this week with 2004 points. After the game, he was congratulated by his children, who were both wearing Randy Moss Vikings jerseys. If this doesn't go to show that kickers will never get any respect in the game of football, I don't know what will.

The Baltimore Ravens continue to have more problems scoring than Pat Buchanan at a NOW convention, with the touchdown-less streak standing at sixteen quarters. Brian Billick benched quarterback Tony Banks and went to backup Trent Dilfer in the second half of this game. Isn't that one of the stages of Grief? Denial, anger, Dilfer, acceptance.

In an ironic twist, Bengals running back Corey Dillon, who already owns the rookie single-game rushing record, ran for 278 yards against the Broncos to own the all-time single-game mark as well. The ironic part here is that all Dillon really wants to run is out of Cincinnati. As for Denver, the last team I saw have this much trouble bringing down a running back was the LAPD.

By the way, before Bengals fans become convinced their team is turning things around, check out the quarterbacks in this game. Akili Smith was 2-9 for 34 yards, Scott Mitchell was 0-5 with no touchdowns and five cheeseburgers. Those are numbers that even the propaganda spin doctors at NFL Films will have a hard time turning positive. "The Cincinnati Bengals 2000 Video Yearbook: Every Pass an Adventure!"

After the Cowboys 48-7 win over Arizona, I think we can all agree on two things. It was wrong for the crowd to boo Troy Aikman last week. And, it was pretty much 100% correct for a crowd to boo the Cardinals.

And finally, I know I'm not much for current events, but I think Jim Lehrer did an awful job moderating the President's Cup.

Labels: Bengals, Cardinals, Ravens, Vikings

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Nevermore: Super Bowl XXXV Timeline

Love Shaq

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