Reid Kerr's Fistful of Sports

Dallas Cowboys In The Hood

That's something I love about living in Texas. You never know when you're going to run into two guys in a pickup truck shopping for clothes dressed as the Dallas Cowboys.

"You know how I know you're gay? I know you're gay because when I picked you up in my truck wearing my Terrell Owens jersey, you went and changed into your Tony Romo jersey so we'd match."

Labels: Cowboys, NFL, TO

TO: The Remix

Okay, one day after the mess began with Terrell Owens, I think I've been able to piece together what happened.

Distraught over his non-inclusion in the second season of "Dancing With The Stars", Terrell Owens decided to rehab his broken finger by taking his pain medication, along with an entire bottle of "Miracle Gro" plant food. His agent saw him collapse under the strain of the medication, and the weight of his own ego, and immediately began to calculate the total worth of his contract and called 911. The Dallas media showed up, began to interview each other, and speculated that Owens must have been trying to kill himself, since TO must hate TO the same way the media hates TO. During this time, ESPN reported that Terrell Owens has committed suicide, and quoted him as "dying for our sins." TO went to the hospital, where he made a brief guest-appearance on "Grey's Anatomy" and checked himself out. The entire event was so jarring, Cowboys coach Bill Parcells mentioned Owens by name for the first time, and TO actually showed up for practice.

TO's status for this week's game at Tennessee has been upgraded from "Suicidal" to "Probable".

Labels: Cowboys, NFL, TO

TO-Morrow Never Knows

Wide receiver Terrell Owens has reportedly signed a three-year deal to come to Dallas, thus setting off angry Cowboys fans everywhere swearing that Jerry Jones has again ruined their team and they'll never watch a game.

Please. Since the Dallas Cowboys drafted Michael Irvin in 1988, they've drafted a steady string of gazelle-like wideouts. That means guys who run really well, and have hooves for hands.

Do Alexander Wright, Alvin Harper, or Kevin Williams show up very often on NFL Films? Ed Hervey, Stepfret Williams, and Macey Brooks were more likely to wind up in the XFL than a three-receiver set in Dallas. Wane McGarrity and MarTay Jenkins didn't make anybody forget Dupree or Pearson, and Antonio Bryant was only noteworthy when he was crazy.

Like, antisocial crazy. Like, bad enough for Cleveland to give up on him crazy, which indicates you ain't long for the league. When you look at your roster and say, "We don't need Bryant, we've got...uh...Joe Jurevicius and Dennis Northcutt. Together, they caught as many as he did last year. We'll be fine, Antonio. You just go ahead and keep throwing towels at coaches and talking to squirrels, we got this over here."

Anyway, Cowboys fans will boo Owens all they like, until the first time he makes a touchdown against Philadelphia, or even better yet, the Redskins. Then, all will be forgotten. He could score the TD that makes Dallas a playoff team, run into the endzone, pull out Tom Landry's hat and take a crap in it, and he'd still get cheered.

Just like they did against the hated spawn of Satan and MTV, Deion Sanders. Everybody hated him for pushing the 49ers over the Cowboys in 1995, but when he came to town and clog-danced in the silver star, he was a folk hero. Nobody wants to give back Super Bowl XXX because Prime Time was a part of that team, do they?

And Owens will be fine in Dallas. For exactly fourteen months. My over/under is May 26, 2007 for the moment when the TO/Cowboys relationship cracks open under the pressure like an Arizona sidewalk. Any takers?

Labels: Cowboys, NFL, TO

Twenty-One Questions

With the NFL season beginning tonight, and a new season of the Fistful of Sports starting as well, time for a few questions on what to expect.

Which Randy Moss are we getting? Can we count on the odd-year Moss that goes deep every time he's on the field and punishes every team that failed to draft him? Or is this an even-year Moss, where he sulks and takes plays off and gives cops free
rides on the hood of his car?

If and when Vinny Testaverde goes down, are the Dallas Cowboys prepared to replace him with a quarterback of similar ability, like say Steve Deberg or Dave Kreig?

Is this the year Marvin Harrison gets the respect he deserves,
or will he have to make an ass of himself in the endzone
before we recognize him? And speaking of that, how's Joe
Horn's mom?

Would most football fans allow Terrell Owens to call them gay
if it meant they could date a Playboy Playmate just like Jeff
Garcia?

Will Terrell Owens be upset when Donovan McNabb spikes the
football to stop the clock, even though McNabb knew TO was
open?

Does Rush Limbaugh think the media wants us all to draft
McNabb for our fantasy football leagues?

In the crowd shots at Niners games, what percentage of San
Francisco fans will be wearing outdated jerseys?

If Ray Lewis asked you to come back and play cornerback with
the Ravens, would you do it? If Ray Lewis asked you to drive
off and not talk to the cops, would you do it?

Will Jamal Lewis go to trial, and if so, does that count as
an audition for season two of "Playmakers?"

Will the Redskins tire of Joe Gibbs breaking practice early
every afternoon so he can make the Early Bird Special at
Denny's?

Is this the year we finally know the name of somebody who
plays offense for Chicago?

By the end of the year, who will hate Kellen Winslow Jr. more,
his AFC rivals or his Cleveland teammates?

After putting Emmitt Smith down two years ago and then being
unable to outrush him last year, is this season a special kind
of hell for new Arizona backup running back Troy Hambrick?

Would you go to a party thrown by Ricky Williams and Quincy
Carter? And if so, would you remember to designate a driver
for your late-night munchies run to Taco Bell?

Who will Miami unsuccessfully try and replace Jay Fiedler
with next year? And for that matter, has any NFL player fallen
back down the ladder as fast as Brian Griese?

Will David Boston still roll up his sleeves and oil his biceps
in street clothes on the sidelines?

Would anyone blame Dave Wannstedt if he started drinking out
of a paper bag on the Dolphins sidelines?

Is Joe Nedney ever going to outlive the curse put on him by
Steelers fans after he faked that roughing the kicker penalty
in the playoffs two years ago?

Would Archie Manning refuse to allow Eli to be drafted by Alex
Spanos' fantasy football team?

Will Falcons quarterback Michael Vick show us it doesn't
matter how many snaps you take in preseason? Or really that
it doesn't matter what play you call, what routes they run,
or what the defense stunts?

Is Doug Flutie still in the league? Really?

Labels: Cowboys, Dolphins, Falcons, NFL, Redskins, TO

Rush To Judgement

The Rush Limbaugh era on ESPN lasted all of four weeks. Limbaugh has resigned from ESPN Countdown after making remarks about Donovan McNabb being overrated by the media because he is a "black quarterback." This means we'll miss Limbaugh's scheduled diatribe, "Why The Liberal Sports Media Is Biased In Favor Of Tony Gonzalez."

Limbaugh's resignation is a tough break for ESPN. Where will they ever find somebody who never played sports, but is willing to shout out their uninformed opinions on the NFL? I mean, besides five million sports-talk radio callers.

Limbaugh railed about how McNabb was overrated, then McNabb went out and carved up the Buffalo defense for Philly's first win. Things couldn't have looked worse for Rush if McNabb had thrown 3 TD passes to Bill Clinton.

I, for one, am staggered by the sheer amount of celestial irony in Limbaugh complaining about how the media has taken something out of context and blown it up. That's like Larry Flynt calling something "tasteless," or Joan Rivers telling us who's had too much plastic surgery.

All in all, it's been a fun season in the NFL so far. Baltimore's Jamal Lewis set the single-game rushing record against the Browns. After the game, Ray Lewis threw him a party that all of the other Ravens were too terrified to attend.

Terrell Owens exploded during the Niners loss to Minnesota. After the game, coach Dennis Erickson said he had spoken to Owens. "He knows where I'm coming from," Erickson said. To be specific, that location is 1-3, 32-36 overall, and way over his head in San Francisco.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady threw three interceptions against the Redskins. The Patriots lost, but luckily, he had benched himself on his fantasy football team.

Raiders linebacker Bill Romanowski missed the first game of his sixteen-year career because of a concussion. It's hard to believe with all of the supplements Romo takes, he couldn't find something for a headache, eh? Maybe Rush Limbaugh could share.

Bill Parcells returned to Giants Stadium Sunday for the first time in two weeks, and the Cowboys beat the Jets. With the Cowboys 2-0 in Giant Stadium while the Giants and Jets are just 1-3, maybe the New York teams should think about some kind of "Trading Spaces" arrangement. The way things are going, it may be safer for the Jets to play their home games somewhere else anyway.

Even though he's still three sacks shy of Reggie White's all-time record, Bruce Smith has already been paid for it. Thanks to a reworked contract, Smith has already been paid his bonus for breaking the record. I guess everyone figures if Smith gets close enough to the record, Brett Favre will just fall down three times and give it to him.

The Atlanta Falcons have suspended cornerback Tyrone Williams after a tirade against one of his coaches. He was punished for "conduct detrimental to the team." Hey, the Falcons are 1-3, whose conduct is really helping all that much?

The NFL set an attendance record for a single weekend when 1.09 million tickets were sold opening weekend. Of course, there are more teams than ever before. Also, on opening weekend fans aren't aware the Jets and Bears have already been mathematically eliminated.

Albert Pujols won the closest National League batting title ever by beating Todd Helton by .00022. Coincidentally enough, that same figure was Jermaine's Dye's batting average.

Police arrested a woman who was stealing a toilet seat from Veterans Stadium in Philadelphia. The woman apparently wanted a souvenir from the stadium following the last Phillies game at the Vet. Philadelphia sports fans have always shown that kind of ingenuity. Why just buy a license plate frame when you can steal a more authentic keepsake, preferably something with urine all over it? Why just throw a snowball, when you can hurl a frozen D battery? Why just rough up an out-of-town fan when you can break Santa Claus' leg? Philly is just another level of sports fan.

Converse has brought out a new line of sneaker called the "Loaded Weapon." Critics are condemning the shoes as glorifying violence. Thank goodness Converse didn't go through with their initial plans to call it the "Jayson Williams Party Shoe."

The ACC is adding a few members next season, but it's not doing its current members any favors. The football schedule drawn up will require Wake Forest, North Carolina, NC State, and Virginia to play Miami, Virginia Tech, and Florida State for the next two years. That's nice hospitality, eh? That's like staging a housewarming party and letting your new neighbors take turns kicking you in the groin and tracking mud all over your house.

Labels: CFB, Cowboys, NFL, Raiders, TO

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Dallas Cowboys In The Hood

TO: The Remix

TO-Morrow Never Knows

Twenty-One Questions

Rush To Judgement